My Kids

I am extremely lucky to have TWO WONDERFUL SONS to live for and give me a major motivation to keep going.

I am responsible to see to it that they have the best mother I can be.

As a parent, there is little room for error - especially when you have a bit of a disadvantage.

And I still remember being a kid living through the hell-world of being "different" and not fitting in; I can see Self Injury from many angles...

...And I still don't, nor do I care to "fit in".

* * * * *

I went from last January to May of 1998 fighting a terrible conflict. I then decided I never wanted to see another birthday.

By July I was starved and shut down like a typical anorexic, although I eat like a truck driver on my good days. But I had no more good days left and my doc said my body was in "famine", like an anorexic. I was happy cuz I knew this meant I was dying...and I literally saw my life pass before me.

My son saw my 78 lb. transparent and jaundice body on the couch one Sunday with my heart pounding through a thin T-shirt to the point where he said, "Mom, I think you better get to a hospital"; and I knew he was right.

But for fear of not having suitable care for my sons and being terrified that the local ER would only transfer me to a hell- like facility, not structured for people like me, I called poison control and they referred me to Falmouth Hospital down the Cape.

They didn't attempt to shove feeding tubes in my body, but enticed me with the best, OMG, diet I actually even tasted since I can remember. I was there 4 days and put on 10 lbs. in a week! I got discharged and continued to gain weight AND NOT TAKE MEDS for 3 months. I have put on 22 lbs and finally look like like a human.

I DECIDED MY KIDS NEED A REAL MOTHER

and although I strongly feel over the years I've been a good "father", (provider, consistent with dicipline - "guy stuff"), I've been the model mom since. All I have is them, (thank God!), and I'm very involved with keeping them busy - Martial Arts, BMX bikes, they're in a great school system and they have very good friends. They're doing a web of their own, as they train these two cute little rodents and hope to be breeding Dusty and Ashes soon.

One of my boys is very artistic, designing video & P.C. games and my left brainer, was recently declared a GENUS after being accessed by the Ross Gifted and Talented Program. I am also extremely proud to announce that after only 5 months of playing, he is also the BEST Flutist in the area, (and this child is partially deaf!)

Other than my sons, work and the internet, I don't have much of a life for "me"...but that's a lot of life, c'mon!

One of the best things I did for myself was buy a wicked high-end bike, like a brat, ("VISA - It's everywhere you want to be!"), and ride it across town twice a day, ...if I can get out of the house. I eat like a good girl most of the time, but if something rattles my world enough I can't swallow. Really sux. An Agoraphobic and Panic thing.

Oh, yeah...I have Joey!...no, I'm not MPD & he IS a little bastard! But there is a lot of credit to be given to service dogs.

I have a major responsibility to my boys and to my ring members...So that means YOU too!

And I still feel sad on my best days, like "wearing my pain on my sleeve", they say. But it's there and a girl like me who never identified herself at the Posting Place said words like "I'm pretty damn good at acting normal...", as I run my own autopilot into the ground.

Just want you to know you're normal and special cuz I feel these things too. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You know God, (and the Goddess), are always watching...

So you know that thing in the Bible that says, "Ask and ye shall receive"? He knows you're "asking" and I'm the most impatient person in the world, but when you least expect it - you will be freed from your prision.

I really believe this -- But I'm still waiting too.

I hope this has helped you.

Much Love, PEACE & Happiness,

St. Jane the Bitchinest

BTW - Do you think the knife is too "graphic"?

It's the REAL one.

(I scanned it with a towel in the dark)

Since December 7, 1998