The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword, A Highlandish Story           
by Joanne  Madge (j0lander@juno.com)

Super-stud, Slam-Dunkin' MacClod tripped happily down the
chilly Paris street.  It was always winter in MacClod's
world, wherever in that world he happened to  be. Never
could explain it, but then no one seemed to ask.... His
faithful, if  impulsive sidekick, Itchie, bounced along at
his side. 

"Whoa, Mac! Checkitout!!"

MacClod glanced in the direction his companion/student was
frantically gesturing. "Yes. It's a woman, Itchie." 

"Wow.... and look, there's another one! Man, I love France!
Think I could...?"

"Now, Itchie...." Mac affectionately smacked him one on the
side of the head....  hard. "As I've told you about sixty
times already, there's *plenty* of women  everywhere in the
world, but that doesn't mean that you have to pursue every
one  that you lay eyes on, and besides, I want you to spend
some time with my good,  old friend Meefus. A little culture
would be good for your training, and  besides...." MacClod
rambled on, completely oblivious to the fact that Itchie 
had ducked away right after, "As I've told you..." 

Meanwhile, not too far down the street, the world's oldest
known Immortal,  Meefus, had just flipped the "Open" sign
outward on the window of his little  shop, "Anachronisms,
Inc." If the bloody French didn't know what "Open" in 
English meant, that wasn't *his* problem! Besides, the total
lack of customers  his shop constantly contained just left
him more time to peruse his beloved  ancient texts and
books, hidden away in the shop's hazardously damp basement.
In  fact, he had just opened the door to the descending
stairs with a contented  sigh, when the BUZZ hit, followed
by the jangling of the rusty bell over the  shop's door.  An
unmistakable, booming tenor voice came crashing into his 
peaceful universe. 

"So as I was saying, Itchie, I'm sure Meefus would be more
than happy to spend  endless hours tutoring you in Latin,
and Greek, and oh, I dunno, just LOTS of  ancient, unused
languages, so you can then be really smart and everything, 
and.... Uh, Itchie?"

Meefus groaned. 

"Eh?" MacClod glanced over at him in annoyance before
glancing with even more  annoyance at the patently empty
space all around him. He stuck his head out the  door and
peered around, before stepping back inside with a shrug.
"So....  Meefus. How goes the peeping Tom business, eh?" 

Meefus suppressed a louder groan and said instead, "My
WATCHER business is just  fine, Mac. In fact, I have LOTS of
research I was just about to get to...." 

"Super! Just fine.... anyway, I was wondering if you'd mind
terribly...."

"Look, Mac, I'm really very busy...." 

Just then, the phone rang. Meefus dove for it with obvious
relief. "Hello? Er,  oui? Oh, whatever the hell you French
people say..." His face suddenly creased  into a dashingly
handsome frown. "Oh." He handed the phone to MacClod. "It's
for  you."

"Really? Well...." MacClod put the receiver to his ear.
"Yes? This isn't  collect, is it, because...." 

A dry, gravely  voice scratched its way into his ear. "My
name is Kanable,  MacClod.... Do you remember ME?" 

Dunkin' scratched at his broad head. "Kanable MacClod?
Hmm.... are you of the  Clan MacClod, or a different
MacClod, MacClod?" 

"What? *No*, you imbecile! I'm *Kanable*.... LECTER Kanable!
We knew each other  a long time ago.... a *very* long time
ago!" 

"Lecter Kanable! Yes, of course...." MacClod's face went
blank as his mind  traveled back.... back....

###

"Hello? HELLO?! Is anyone still there?" 

Meefus woke-up with a start at the noise coming from the
telephone in MacClod's  slack hand. He lifted his head from
the desk and prodded his friend in the  shoulder. "Hey,
Mac.... snap-out-of-it! You're having another flashback!"

"Wha...? Oh." Dunkin' whipped the phone back up to his ear.
"You! What do you  want, you son of a XXXXX*?"  (*all
naughty words thoughtfully blanked out by  your pals at the
USA Network). 

"Your HEAD, MacClod!"

"Hah.... well, hate to disappoint you, Kanable, but I'm
feeling rather attached  to it at the moment." 

"Really? Well, I hope you're not feeling too attached to
your little *student*,  MacClod, because if you ever want to
see him alive again, you'll meet me under  the old bridge at
exactly midnight tonight! So there!"

MacClod slammed his fist down on the table, causing Meefus
to scramble to save a  few precious antiques that wobbled
precariously to the edge of it. "Why of all  the XXXXX! I'll
bust your XXX, you XXXX XXXXXXX!!"

There was an audible "click" from the phone. MacClod stared
at it, steam pouring  from his ears. 

Meefus righted a dusty lamp and casually leaned against the
table, inspecting  his nails. "Itchie get kidnapped again?" 

"Yeah.... Damn! That's the third time this month.  There
goes my plans for the  night." MacClod pouted for a few
moments. "Amoura and I were going to...."

              XXXXXXXXXX SEVERAL   PARAGRAPHS   DELETED
XXXXXXXXXX

Meefus wiped the sweat away from his brow. "Whew! Well, as
it is, I guess you've  got your hands full and I really do
need to get to my research...." 

Just then, the shop door came crashing open. "Mac! Meefus!
I'm so glad you're  both here!" 

"Duhson!" MacClod exclaimed. "What are you doing here in
Paris?" 

Joe Duhson rambled his way into the shop and up to where
Meefus and MacClod were  standing. "There's trouble with the
Watchers, Mac. *Big* trouble." 

"Gee, d'you think it could wait, Duhson? I've already got
this little problem." 

Meefus finished moving his valuables underneath the desk.
"You could always just  get another student, Mac," he
suggested helpfully. "Seem to be coming out of the  woodwork
these days...." 

There was a terrible screeching of tires from outside,
followed by a resounding  "CRASH!". 

"See? There's probably a brand new one waiting for you
outside even now." 

"Well...." 

Just then, MacClod and Meefus experienced the BUZZ and the
shop door flew open,  the little bell crumbling and falling
away (hadn't seen that much use in  centuries). 

"Mac!" 

Three voices in unison. "Amoura!" 

Amoura sashayed into the shop, pausing in the open doorway
to bend over and pick  up her keys which she had just
dropped. There was another cacophony of  interrupted traffic
outside. "Oops." Amoura shut the door and adjusted her 
micro-mini. "Ahem.... Mac, you won't believe what just
happened to me! I really  hate to ask, but I need your
help." 

Meefus stomped a foot. "Okay, *look* everyone! Things are
getting a little  crowded around here and since I'm the only
person in the city not currently  seeking out the services
of one Dunkin' MacClod, I suggest the three of you  adjourn
to someplace roomier and I can just get back to my...." 

MacClod threw a chummy arm around Meefus's shoulders. "Ah,
you know I wouldn't  leave you out of all the fun, Meefus!
C'mon everyone, let's go get some lunch  and take it to the
barge. Then we can all sit down and figure out our agenda
for  the day...." 

###

Amoura held the barge door open for the heavily laden Meefus
and MacClod.  At a  resentful glare from Meefus, she
sniffed, "Well, can I help it if I have a  healthy appetite?
What's a growing girl to do?" She ran a trailing hand 
sensuously down MacClod's arm as he passed and he nearly
dropped his armload of  French cuisine. 

Meefus was thinking up a suitably stinging retort, when a
frightened-looking,  but attractive blonde, female head
peeked into the still-open door. "Excuse  me...."
(Fortunately she spoke perfect English) "...but is one of
you Dunkin'  MacClod? 

Amoura was instantly between the interloper and her man.
"Who wants to know?"  

The woman took a step back, startled, then burst into
pathetic tears. "Oh!  Oh.... I'm so sorry, really.... it's
just.... just that...."

Amoura quick-shifted into "sister mode". "Ohhhh..... poor
thing. Come sit down,  have a croissant, and tell Amoura all
about it!" She put her arms around the  woman's shoulders
and guided her to sit in MacClod's favorite chair. 

A few minutes later, Julia had unloaded her unhappy tale.
"So...." she sniffed,  gulped and gamely continued, "that's
all there is to it, really. If Mac doesn't  challenge my
mother's uncle's cousin's step-father and take his head, my
entire  family will be in ruins!" She burst into a fresh
explosion of sobbing. "Oh,  please, Monsieur MacClod...
you're the only one with the knowledge and skill to  defeat
him!"

Dunkin' knelt down beside her and patted her hand paternally
(under Amoura's  watchful eye). "There, there, Julia.
Everything will be alright. Of course I'll  help you!" 

Meefus checked his watch. "Yes. Well.... Mac, looks like
you've got a full day  ahead of you and I'm pretty sure I
left the kettle on back at the shop, so I'll  just be...."

"Wait, Meefus...." Joe stretched a pleading hand out to him.
"My problem with  the Watchers effects you, too! In fact, it
effects all of us! It's big. Really  BIG." 

Meefus sat back down, defeated. "Oh well, then. Great. Fine.
What do you want me  to do?" 

"What about *my* problem?" Amoura sulked. 

###

Four hours later, MacClod cleared his throat for attention
and indicated the  hastily, but neatly drawn chart on the
wall. "Okay, everyone.... I say we head  straight on out to
find Julia's uncle's, mother's, sister's...." 

Julia shook her head frantically. 

"Well, whatever. We go find this XXXXX, I take his head,
have a quick  Quickening, take a five minute break to
recover, then it's off to Watcher  headquarters to sort-out
Joe's problem...." 

Amoura stood up, her arms tightly crossed.

"Okay...." MacClod continued gamely. "Then we'll discuss
what we can all do for  Amoura, and I suppose I really ought
to try and be under that bridge by  midnight...." 

"Right." Meefus grumbled. "Well, let's get started already
and get it over with  because really, I...." 

MacClod swung the door open with a bang. "Ladies first!"

###

No doubt about it, the afternoon was an unparalleled
disaster. 

For starters, Julia's.... relative was nowhere to be found.
Then, Watcher  headquarters had been moved AGAIN, and no
amount of searching, questioning,  threatening, or bribing
turned the new one up. And to top it all off, Amoura got  a
vicious run in her stockings. It was an unhappy and
exhausted group, to be  sure, who finally piled back into
the barge and collapsed in several tired heaps  on various
expensive pieces of furniture. 

Dunkin' slammed a frustrated fist into a slightly stale loaf
of half-eaten  French bread. "Oh, XXXX! And it's already
half-past-one in the morning!" 

There was a collective moan in the room. 

Just then, the door burst open, and a soaking-wet,
thoroughly pissed-off looking  young man came stomping in. 

"Itchie!!!" 

"Yeah. Hi. Everyone.... Great to see you. Thanks for
SHOWING, Mac!" He sloshed  across the floor to glare down at
MacClod, trying his best to drip on him as  much as
possible.

MacClod waved a hand at him weakly. "It's a long story,
Itchie. Glad you're  okay." 

"But, Itchie!" Meefus managed to raise his head slightly
from the back of the  sofa he'd collapsed on. "How did you
get away from Kanable? Did you take him on  all by
yourself?" 

Itchie shrugged. "Nah.... he got so pissed about Mac not
showing up that he  threw me into the river. Then when he
realized that was a dumb move, he dove in  after me.... then
he remembered he couldn't swim and floundered into a passing
 motorboat. Propeller took his head clean off." He looked
off into the distance,  thoughtfully. "Wonder if there's a
world's record for dumb-luck Quickenings?" 

"Wait!" Julia sprang to her feet. "Did.... did you say
KANABLE?!" 

Itchie shrugged. "Yeah. So?" 

Julia threw her hands up in joy. "That's my mother's uncle's
cousin's step- father's name! You DID it!" She ran across
the room and threw her arms around  Itchie, causing the two
of them to fall over with a wet "thump!". 

Joe looked up from the pastry he was munching. "Kanable?
Lecter Kanable?! He's  the one who was at the center of all
the BIG trouble in the Watchers. Itchie,  you're
incredible!" 

"Umppphhh Umbd", Itchie exclaimed from behind Julia's
passionate kisses. 

"Lecter Kanable!" Amoura dragged herself to a standing
position. "He's the one I  was coming to YOU to take care
of, Mac! Outta my way, mortal!" She shoved Julia  to one
side and planted a big, wet one on Itchie's mouth as well. 

"This calls for a celebration! Drinks on me, everyone...."
Joe led the way to  the door. Itchie was right behind, Julia
and Amoura hanging on to an arm each. 

Meefus sat forward and regarded MacClod, who had declined to
move a muscle.  "Coming, are you?" 

Dunkin' just shook his head wearily. "Nah.... who'd notice
anyway." 

Meefus shrugged. "Well, I'm headed home myself. Er...." 

"Hm?" 

"Well, if you're ever in the mood to brush up on your Latin
or Greek.... I DO  have the best basement in town.... and I
wouldn't be adverse to conveniently  forgetting you were
down there for a few weeks. 

Dunkin' smiled with genuine warmth at him. "Why Meefus,
that's the kindest offer  I've had all day. You're on!" With
renewed energy, he sprang to his feet. "Last  one there's a
rotten egg!" He sprinted out the door. 

Meefus watched him leave, then followed at a slower pace.
"Oh," he added to the  empty room. "Of course, you'll have
to bail the place out, first. It's quite  susceptible to
flooding this time of year...." He headed out into the
night. 

Fin'