Not! - A Highlandish Story by Joanne Madge (j0lander@juno.com) --------------------------------------------- ***SPOILER ALERT!*** ***SPOILER ALERT!*** ***SPOILER ALERT!*** If you have not seen the season six episode, NOT TO BE and do not want it spoiled, stop reading now! This is #2 of two parodies I'm writing based on the series finale. The first - TO BE.... ORIGINAL? - (as well as many other parodies and stories) can be found at my new website at: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Dungeon/9847/hl.html S P O I L E R S ! ! ! ! DISCLAIMER: Highlander and its characters belong to Rysher. No infringement intended, no profit being made. This is a work of parody. -------------------------------------------- "Testa's alive?" Dunkin's face was in 'full pout' mode. Under the bridge where he and his angel/old friend Fits-Throwing were standing, Testa strolled aimlessly along the Parisian street like that girl in the 'Truly Madly Deeply' video, but with better hair. "She'd really be alive without me in her life?" Mac added with a quiver in his voice. Fits looked sadly at his friend. "Well, yes, but...." "Mummy! Mummy!" Two adorable little children ran towards Testa, arms opened wide. "Ugh!" Dunkin' nearly doubled over. "Not only alive, but reproductive as well!" He turned to go, his hands over his face. "Thanks a HEAP, Fits!" Fits put a hand on his shoulder. "Wait just a second, laddie! Things aren't always as they first appear." Dunkin' turned back hopefully. "Y... you mean those aren't really her kids?" "Er...." Fits swallowed uncomfortably. "Well, yes they are, but...." Dunkin' turned away again. "No! Wait.... look. Let's try another angle, shall we?" Suddenly they were standing before an expensive-looking art gallery. The plaque over the door declared, "Testa Nosell's Le Expensive Le Art Gallery". Dunkin' looked up at it, his eyes pools of sorrow. "And successful, too!" "Not really!" Fits answered happily. "Her husband paid for it." Dunkin' shrugged. "So? I paid for everything she had in *my* reality, too! When we met she was the hostess on a tourist boat!" "Let's go inside!" Fits prodded. "Oh.... okay. If you insist." Dunkin' sighed again and entered the gallery.... ....and THERE she was. There -wearing a drab-colored, but deliciously tight gray dress - was Testa. His lost love, the light of his life, the.... "May I help you?" she asked. He stared deeply into the ocean blue depths of her eyes. "Yes." She smiled at him, her dimples perfect. "Yes?" Dunkin' sighed deeply, afraid his heart would burst. "Yes.... please." She looked away for a moment, then back at him, a new awareness in her eyes. "Ah.... yes." He could barely catch his breath. "Yes?" She seemed to consider a moment longer, then nodded. "Yes, all right." He threw his arms open. "Oh.... Testa!" "Will that be cash or credit card?" she asked politely. "Huh?" He asked, mind going blank. "The statue." She pointed to a sculpture of a naked, headless, female body next to him, and he suddenly realized he'd been absent-mindedly stroking it with his hand. "Cash or credit card?" She hesitated, frowning slightly. "You *did* want to buy it, yes?" "Oh!" He pulled his hand away from the statue. "Yes! Uh, I mean no! I mean...." Her frown deepened. He touched Testa's shoulder. "It's wonderful! I mean, you're wonderful! As.... as an artist!" "Oh!" She smiled again. "Are you familiar with my work?" He nodded vigorously. "Oh yes! We.... uh, went to school together. I'm your biggest fan!" Her smile lit up like the sun. "Would you like to have an affair?" He blinked. "What?" "Uh.... drink!" she took a step back from him. "Would you like to go somewhere for a drink?" "Oh...." He gazed lovingly at her. "Yes!" ### In a nearby pub, Testa and Dunkin' sat across from each other at a little round table, leaning close together as Dunkin' lied though his teeth about Testa's art and college life. "Oh, Dunkin'," Testa sighed after awhile. "I don't know why, but I feel like I've known you for years!" Dunkin' just grinned at her with a silly expression on his face. "Imagine that." "Darling!" A proper-looking, nicely dressed English chap suddenly burst into the shop, effectively raining on their parade. "Here you are!" Testa blanched. "Oh...." She waved weakly towards the man without looking up. "Dunkin' meet...." She retched slightly, "my husband." The man shook Dunkin's hand while Testa discretely vomited into her purse. "She always does that when I enter the room, " he explained to a startled Mac. "Isn't it sweet?" "Ah," Dunkin' answered uncommitally. "Say!" the husband added. "Why don't you join Testa and I for dinner tonight?" "Um...." Dunkin' started. "Wonderful! See you at sex! Er... six!" He helped a green Testa to her feet. "Come along, darling." After they'd left, Fits joined Dunkin' at the table, drink in hand. "You're playing with fire, my boy," he said unhelpfully. Dunkin' gave him a dirty look. "Who was it who dragged me into the middle of this?" Fits attempted an innocent look, failed, then took a swig of his black and tan. "Ah well," he said after a moment. "It's just dinner after all. What could go wrong?" ### Five minutes after Dunkin' arrived for dinner, Testa's husband announced that he had to leave on business. "I won't be home for hours.... for the rest of the night, at least. Maybe longer." Testa beamed. Dunkin' gulped. "So sorry," her husband added, giving Dunkin's hand a quick shake. "Please feel free to stay and keep my gorgeous, lonely wife company. Dinner's almost ready. Steamy hot roast chicken, spicy caviar...." "Gee, I'd really...." Dunkin' attempted. "Lots of heady wine...." "That's very kind, but...." "And strawberries and whipped cream for dessert." Dunkin' opened his mouth, shut it. He glanced a Testa. She smiled brilliantly. He jumped up and shoved Testa's husband towards the door. "Well, don't let us keep you, then! Have a great trip!" ***SIX OR SEVEN HOURS LATER...*** Dunkin' woke up and realized Testa was no longer in bed with him. He wrapped a sheet around his naked body and padded across the cold floor until he spotted her in the studio. She was sniffling and wiping her eyes. "Tess!" he exclaimed in alarm. "What's wrong!" "Oh!" she cried. "I feel so.... so.... GUILTY! My husband. My children!" Dunkin' pulled his sheet a little closer around himself. "Well, gee.... you didn't seem to have any problems while you were seducing my bones off for the entire past afternoon, evening, and half the night. *Now* you feel guilty?" She smiled suddenly. "Well, not really, but we don't want to leave the viewers with their final impression of me being a *total* ungrateful slut." She turned away. "Please leave." "But...." "No! It's best this way!" She left the room and shut the door behind her. "But...." Dunkin' said to the empty room. "I need to.... My clothes are still in.... Uh, Testa?" ### "Boy, Fits." Dunkin' knocked back his fifth drink in as many minutes. "I feel like a complete chump. Why'd you put me in the middle of that?" "Ah, laddie...." Fits smiled benevolently at his old friend. "You didn't create the emptiness in her life, you just made her look at it. If she didn't cheat with you, it would have been someone else. You didn't really destroy her life, you.... you merely gave her a bit of relief from it!" Mac beamed through his boozy haze. "Wow.... thanks, Fits. You sure can make a guy feel better." Fits lowered his head humbly. "Oh, it's nothing, really. A fellow learns a lot of shallow rationalizations in several hundred years of philandering." Dunkin's happy look faded a bit. "Oh." "You miserable TART!" Dunkin's head shot up. "Now, that's going a bit too...." Fits stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "Wasn't me, old chap. Look." Dunkin' looked. A few tables over was none other than Meefus. Dunkin' pointed. "It's none other than Meefus!" "Don't echo the narrative, lad." "Huh?" Meefus pounded a fist down onto his table. "What does it take to get some beer around here? Waitress!" Dunkin' grinned. "He hasn't changed a bit." Fits stood, pulling Mac up with him. "Well, let me put it this way...." Suddenly they were standing before the window of a large studio apartment. "Could have let me finish my drink," Dunkin' pouted. "Shh!" Fits pointed though the glass. "Watch." Dunkin' peered obediently. Inside, Meefus was gazing lovingly into a young woman's eyes. Dunkin' looked ack around at Fits. "Why are we hiding? They can't see us unless you want them to, right?" "Shh!" Fits repeated. "If you don't mind, I am *trying* to hear what they are saying!" Mac stuck his tongue out at him. "Voyeur." But he turned back to continue watching. "Meefus," the woman - who, incidentally, bore an amazing resemblance to the girl in the 'Haunted' flashback - said. "If you'd only tell Horrorton and those evil Watchers you were Immortal, I'm sure they'd completely change their philosophy and quit hunting your kind!" Meefus gently cupped her face in his hands. "You are such a complete, naive moron." She smiled blankly at him. "Will you marry me?" he added. Her grin brightened. "Sure!" Just then, the door burst open and Horrorton stepped in, flanked on either side by gun-toting Watchers. Meefus looked at her. "You told them?" She continued to beam. "Too bad." The Watchers opened fire. ### "So, laddie...." Fits and Mac were suddenly standing on a street corner. "The evil Watchers killed Meefus' true love and he teamed up with Kroneold, and...." "Hey!" Dunkin' butt in. "Why do you keep cutting away just when a scene starts getting interesting?" "I am trying to show you how much worse everyone's lives would have been if you were never born! What does interesting have to do with it?" Dunkin' scratched his head. "Where was I?" Fits asked. "Ah, yes, so Meefus became completely bitter and tossed out thousands of years worth of personal growth to become a Horseman again." Dunkin' made a face. "You're stretching credibility here, pal." "They made the Russian Mafia look like the Vienna Boy's Choir." "Stretching.... stretching...." "But they weren't able to kill Horrorton or even put a dent in the evil Watchers." Dunkin' threw his hands up in exasperation. "Okay, now this is just getting silly! And I suppose you're going to tell me that all this heinous yet inconsistent destruction would never have happened if I'd been around?" Fits shrugged. "That is the premise, yes." "Let me get this straight. We spent nearly all of season five showing me come to terms with the fact that I'm far from perfect, I don't know everything there is to know, but I do the best I can, and now I'm the savior of all I meet?!" "Um...." Fits swallowed uncomfortably. "Well, Jimmy Stewart never complained about it." Dunkin' thought a moment. "Point." He perked up. "Okay, so how about Itchie?" "Ah...." Fits shook his head. "Another sad tale." "Of course. What happened?" "Well...." Fits waved a hand and they were standing before a rich Mexican villa. "Itchie remained a thief, then got shot. Meefus adopted him." Dunkin' stared at Fits. "Meefus, Kroneold, and.... Itchie?" "Absolutely! So anyway...." "Look." Dunkin' crossed his arms. "Not only is that utterly unbelievable, it's mondo coincidental." Fits stomped a foot. "Do you have any idea how much this episode is costing already with so many of the regulars appearing? You want us to pay MORE for extras?" "Well.... okay, fine." Mac sighed. "So what happened to Itchie?" Fits lowered his head sadly. "Meefus and Kroneold sent him to kill Joe...." "Why?" Mac interrupted. "Surely Meefus would have known from his time with Jilly that Joe was on his side." "Look!" Fits shot back. "Whose story is this?" "Sorry, sorry...." Mac lifted his hands. "Geez, you're touchy for a dead guy." "So...." Fits continued. "As you can see, Itchie didn't have the heart to shoot Joe." Sure enough, they were suddenly in the room with Itchie and Joe. Itchie's hands shook as he tried to aim at Joe, and finally he gave up altogether. Mac frowned, seemingly unmoved by seeing his dead student re-animated before his eyes. "Gee," he observed. "Joe isn't all un-washed and disheveled in this scene, even though it has to be some time *after* Horrorton and his bunch took over the Watchers - and killed Meefus' girlfriend in that earlier scene." "If you don't mind," Fits said huffily. Mac rolled his eyes. "Go on." "So.... Itchie went crawling back without fulfilling his mission and Meefus took his head, and...." Dunkin' gasped. "Y... you mean, he whacked his own student?" "'Fraid so. Er...." Fits shifted from foot to foot. "Now I know you've probably noticed that this means that Itchie's fate wasn't ultimately all that *different* without you in his life, but...." "That BASTARD!" "Uh.... I mean, considering you did almost exactly the same...." "Where is he?" Mac demanded. "I'll kill him!" "He's, ah...." Fits hesitated. "You're kidding, right?" "No!" Dunkin' stomped his foot. "Take me to him!" "Well...." Fits shrugged. "Okay, what the heck. I suppose it would inject a little action." He waved a hand. ### Mac found himself standing in an abandoned warehouse. Or.... maybe not so abandoned. "Tell us, old man...." Kroneold's voice echoed from around the corner. "Where is Horrorton hiding?" "Yeah," Meefus voice added. "We have to kill him. Word has it the Vienna Boy's Choir is starting to laugh at us." Mac peeked around the aforementioned corner. Joe Duhson - the messy, bummed version - sat in his ancient wheelchair, Meefus and Kroneold towering threateningly over him. "Never!" he spat at them. "I'll never tell you where he is!" "Why?!" Meefus and Kroneold asked in unison. "Well...." Joe hesitated and rubbed his chin. "That's a good question. I'm not sure, really. I mean, he's ruined my life. It would stop him from slaughtering any more Immortals, but.... I won't tell you!" He crossed his arms stubbornly. Kroneold glanced at Meefus. "Kill him." "Right." "No joke," Dunkin' murmured. He blinked. "Hey, wait a second!" "Who's there?" Kroneold called. He drew his sword and headed around the corner. Meefus politely waited for him. Mac whipped Kroneold in ten seconds. (Okay, so maybe without Dunkin' MacClod in his world, Kroneold wasn't as brilliant a swordsman. Who knows?) However, instead of taking his head, Mac just whacked him on the knoggin. Why? Uh.... Anyway, Mac ran around the corner and took-on Meefus. Of course he won. He raised his sword to strike Meefus' neck. "Wait!" Fits called. "I thought you didn't want any more of your friends to die because of you! Just because in *this* reality...." "Au, shaddup," Mac snapped and slashed downwards.... ### "So, anyway," Fits continued in the suddenly empty warehouse. "This is what the world would be like without you. Meefus and Kroneold killed Joe, and...." "Hey!" Mac cut in. "You mean to say that everything I just did in the last scene didn't really happen?" Fits shrugged. "What a GYP!" Dunkin' snorted. "Well, look, laddie...." "Wait...." Mac's face suddenly lit up. "Then does that mean that me and Testa...?" Fits grimaced. "That *did* happen, I'm afraid." "Aw, no fair!" Fits shrugged again. "Sorry, old bean. Anyway, it's time for you to go back." "Thank God." "What's that?" "Uh...." Dunkin' cleared his throat. "I mean, well, if you insist." "More like it." Fits waved both hands in the air. "Now all you have to do is click your heels together and say, 'there's no place like re-runs, there's no place like re-runs....'." "Hah!" Mac snorted. "Didn't you hear? I'm already signed to star in the next movie!" "Oh!" Fits considered for a moment, then grinned hopefully. "And what about all the *other* wonderful characters who made this show so popular?" Mac blinked. "Who?" "Ah.... never mind." Fits clapped. *****POOF!!***** ### Well, Mac woke up back in the abandoned wherever-he-was and proceeded to defeat the bad guy, whatever his name was - I've forgotten - with Meefus' help. Afterwards, the four friends stood around and said nice, warm fuzzy, end-of-the-series things to each other and no one so much as mentioned Itchie. "Oh, Dunkin'," Amoura finally said. "I thought I'd lost you." "Never again," Mac replied and walked off in a swirl of dramatic fog. Music swelled triumphantly, so he was unable to hear Amoura come back with, "Huh? Never again WHAT? You'll never risk your neck for me again, is that it? You BAS...." Anyway, the scene faded out to a montage of clips showing scenes of people over the past six seasons, but skipping over many of the regulars for some contractual reason or another. As the scene faded, Bonny Portmore began to play, only the words were slightly different this time: O, Bonny Highlander, I am starting to scorn Such a woeful destruction of such good characters. For I so loved to watch them in seasons one through five, Till the ep called Archangel, then the show took a dive! Many fans at home watching, they bitterly weep, Saying, "Take back 'New Duncan', his short hair, clothes and jeep! Why have they killed Richie? Where is Joe and Methos? What happened to Amanda? We are feeling quite cross!" O, Bonny Highlander, explain to me, please Why your recycled plotline has more holes than Swiss cheese. If you kept the quality you had once before, I'd be more looking forward to Highlander Four! End