Basically, this is a parody of the episode "Haunted". So....

*********SPOILER ALERT!*********  
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PLEASE NOTE!!!!!!!
This story contains sexual themes. Otherwise, the usual disclaimers apply. Highlander characters
copyright Rysher. No infringement intended, no profit made. Comments,
critiques, etc welcome and appreciated. (I'm working on a couple of
"serious" stories.... honest!).  

Hunted - A Highlandish Story  

by Joanne Madge (j0lander@juno.com)

"Phallic?"

Jennifer leaped from her bed and ran around her gigantic, old house as
a raging storm....uh, raged outside. Everywhere she turned, the
ghostly image of her late husband faded into view, then disappeared
again. "Phallic!" she cried as she ran to his reflection in the
mirror. "Phallic, is it you?" she sobbed as he translucently sat at
the piano and started playing that *damn* song again....

She couldn't take it anymore. Jennifer ran out into the night, still
wearing her jammies, got in her car, and roared to the creepy-looking
cemetery he was buried conveniently close to the main road at. The one
without the fences around it.... The one with the HUGE, astronomically
expensive gravestones haphazardly planted around it. The violent storm
had miraculously passed without so much as a mud puddle left to hinder
her way. She flung herself over his particularly large and expensive
looking marker and wept helplessly. "Oh, Phallic, what do you want,
what do you want, what do you waaaaaannnnnnnnt!" 

###

As soon as he'd woken up that morning, Itchie *knew*. It was that time
of year.... that one, special time when forces he couldn't comprehend
decided to smile on him for an all too brief moment. The one time of
year when he, Itchie Lyin', would *get* some. He dressed double quick,
skipped breakfast, and hurried to the dojo just so he could take his
shirt right back off and do a nice, long kata.... The first chick that
  would walk in that door was *his*, Itchie just knew it. He kept his
ultra-tight jeans on, just to be sure, even though it made some of the
moves he was doing rather painful.

"Cowabunga!"

Itchie felt the first smile he'd smiled for a long time blossom on his
sweaty face at the sound of the appreciative female voice behind him.
He turned to look over his shoulder at her. "Hey, babe."

She smiled back. "Hey. I was looking for Dunkin' MacClod."

He felt a momentary moment of doubt.... He mentally ticked off the
number of women Mac had gotten this year already. Amoura, that psychic
chick, that writer chick (well, almost).... no, it was *definitely*
his one single "turn" this time! He felt his smile return. "I'll take
you there." 

Suddenly, Jennifer's husband's face materialized onto Itchie's back,
then his face, and then the man's voice even replaced Itchie's for a
few moments.... Jennifer didn't appear to notice. They entered the
elevator. 

###

Itchie and Jennifer giggled and flirted all the way to the loft.... as
Itchie raised the gate, Jennifer took one look at MacClod, burst into
tears and flung herself into his arms. 

Itchie felt another moment of doubt. 

However, all was well as Jennifer unloaded the story of her recently
deceased, Immortal husband.... Mac hadn't taken advantage of a
situation like that since Annie Devlish, and that had ended up with
Itchie almost getting killed! Nah, Mac knew better. Itchie relaxed and
listened to her unhappy tale. 

"So when Kibble showed up in San Francisco, Phallic just *had* to go
after him...."

"Waitasec...." Itchie frowned at the two of them. "Your late husband's
name was PHALLIC?" 

Mac smiled reminiscently. "Yeah.... it's a nick name his buddies
started calling him, and it just kind of stuck.... but you were
saying, Jen?" 

"But why...?"

"Itchie, Jennifer was speaking."

"Oh, sorry." Itchie crossed his arms and tried not to appear too bored
as Mac and Jennifer talked about Phallic's first love, Jennifun, who
evidently was murdered by this Kibble character, and in a fit of
sympathy, Mac had agreed to kill the S.O.B. should Phallic fail to do
so, and....

"So what you've basically come to ask me, Jen, is if I will hunt down
this Kibble and take his head now that he's killed your husband?"

"Yes, exactly! He's in San Francisco now.... will you do it?"

Dunkin' grabbed a suitcase with one hand and his katana with the
other. "Cool, I'm going hunting! Hey Itch, can you keep an eye on
poor, bereaved Jennifer while I'm gone?" 

*Pay dirt!* Itchie thought.

###

Itchie and Jennifer ogled each other across the candle lit table at
Joe's bar. "So as I was saying, Itchie, it was total love at first
sight with Phallic. I knew we were destined to be together as soon as
I laid eyes on him. So we got married.... it was so almost perfect."
She sighed wistfully.

Itchie quirked his eyebrows at her just to make his big, blue eyes
even bigger and bluer. "Almost perfect?" 

"Well...." She looked away and gave a little embarrassed shrug. "It
would have been nice if we'd had sex once in awhile."

Itchie's eyes got even wider. "You.... you *never*...?"

She nodded sagely. 

"But.... but WHY?"

"He said we had to wait until the soul of his first, dead wife came
and took possession of my body." 

Itchie stared at her for a long moment. "And you were okay with that?"

 She smiled vacantly at him. 

Itchie shrugged and tool a long pull at his drink. In some private
corner of his mind, he realized that she was a lot like Anne Flimsy,
one of Mac's ex-girlfriends.... only even flakier. He took her hand
gently. "Jen, I.... I just want you to know...." He hesitated. 

"Yes, Itchie?" 

"That.... that if you and I.... uh, that is if we ever...."

"Yes, Itchie??"

"If we ever.... um, you know. Like, I dunno, got together or
something...."

"YES, Itchie?!" 

He grinned. "I'd jump your bones in a split second!"

Her face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Oh.... ITCHIE!" 

Suddenly, her dead husband's face superimposed itself over Itchie's.
*This* time she noticed. 

"Oh....Itchie! Ack!!" She jumped up and ran from the room. 

Itchie blinked after her. "Uh.... Jen? Jennifer? Uh...?" 

"Hey, Romeo, trouble in fair Verona?" Joe Duhson rambled up to Itchie
and sat next to him in a chummy manner. 

Itchie blinked around at him. "Eh?" 

"You know, Romeo, Verona, Shakes.... ah, forget it. So did the chick
ditch ya?" 

"Oh...." Itchie looked off in the direction Jennifer had gone.
"Yeah.... I guess so." 

"For the best." 

Itchie frowned. "Gee, thanks, Joe..... at least *you've* gotten to see
some action, already, this year...." 

Joe held his hands up. "Now don't get me wrong, Itchie, it's just that
it might get a tad complicated for the guy who killed someone's
husband to go getting involved with said husband's widow. You
know...."

Itchie's eyes got big again. "Huh?!" 

Joe smirked. "Remember that guy you whacked in San Francisco last
July?"

Itchie thought a moment. "You mean the one who came at me when I was
stranded, called me a kid THREE times, then tried to kill me?" 

"That's the one." 

Itchie stared into space.... the sound of ball bearings dropping down
little holes could faintly be heard. "Oh, no.... you don't mean?" 

Joe shrugged sadly. "'Fraid I do." 

Itchie sighed in mounting frustration and pulled out a cigar, lit it,
and started puffing away. "Say, Joe? Where did Phallic get his nick
name, anyway? Damn strange, if you ask me."

Joe thought for a moment. "Let's see.... I believe it came from the
fact that he was always smoking those big cigars everywhere he
went...."

Itchie doused the cigar in his drink. 

"He used to joke that he bought the biggest cigars.... bigger than
anyone else's." 

"Uh, thanks, Joe" 

Joe smiled, lost in recollection. "The Chronicles say that Mac used to
joke that Phallic's were bigger, but his lasted longer...."

Itchie turned green and dumped the drink in a hapless potted plant.
"That's *really* more than I wanted to know, Joe.... 

Joe shrugged again. "Suit yourself. So what are you going to do about
Jennifer?"

Itchie raised his hand for another drink. "Okay, so maybe Annie
Devlish was a fluke...."

###

MacClod burst into the darkened movie studio. At the sight of so many
cameras he had to fight the urge to whip off some of his clothes.. It
was Itchie's time of year after all, not his.

A scuzzy looking Immortal stepped out of the shadows and faced him.
"Well, Dunkin' MacClod.... come to try out for one of my dance
videos?" He threw back his head and laughed. 

"You!" Dunkin' slapped his head. "You're *that* Kibble! The porn
director?" 

Kibble puffed his chest out. "The very one."

Dunkin whipped out his katana. "Your films SUCK! No one ever takes
their clothes off!"

Kibble pouted. "Can I help it if the censors have gotten so strict?
Hell, you can show more skin in a ....a syndicated T.V. show these
days, for Pete's sake!"

The battle ensued.

###

Itchie answered the plaintive knock on his door. "Jennifer!"

"Oh, Itchie, I just treated you AWFULLY back there in the bar!" She
threw both arms around him and started clawing his shirt off. 

"Uh, Jen? Jen...?" Itchie stumbled backwards as she stared on his
pants. "There's something I really need to...."

"Oh, Itchie, you remind me SO much of Phallic! Your wit, your
kindness, the lingering cigar stench in your clothes...."

"Jen...."

"Oh, look! You've got a.... thing hanging up in your room with little
fishies all over it! Phallic loved those little frozen fish stick
things, so. He said they reminded him of cigars...."

"Jennifer.... WAIT!"

###

The guy was better than MacClod expected.... but he was even better.
"Catch ya on the next blooper reel, pal!" he sneered as he whisked
Kibble's head off. 

The Quickening was long and violent. Dunkin' felt the awesome force
rip in and out of his body. In and out, in and out, in and....

###

Itchie rolled off of Jennifer's naked body with a groan. She and
what's-his-name must have been married for a loooong time for her to
have had THAT much pent up....

"I love you, Phallic...." she whispered. 

Itchie's eyes grew huge and he froze in place. His pride and self
esteem shriveled, among other things. "Jennifer."

"Hmm?"

"Wanna know who whacked your precious Phallic?"

"Mmm?"

"I did."

Her eyes opened. "What." 

He leaned up on one elbow to look down on her. "That's right. Me.
Little Itchie Lyin'. The *kid*. So next time I nearly kill myself
showing *you* a good time, I'd appreciate it if...."

"You.... SICK BASTARD!" 

"Oops...."

###

"You did WHAT?!"

Itchie cringed back from Mac's wrath. "I killed Phallic.... geez, Mac,
the guy was a maniac!"

Mac shook his head. "Oh fine, so what you're telling me is that you
KILLED one of my good friends, then slept with his wife?"

"Uh.... well, yeah. Sorry. If it's any consolation, I don't think
she'll want an encore."

"Itchie.... you have to leave."

Itchie blinked, stunned. "It's that time? Was I wrong about Phallic? I
just never pictured it like this...."

"Itchie, that ploy didn't work the first time I kicked you out. Beat
it."

"Rats."

###

Once he'd had ten minutes to reflect on it (Dunkin's typical guilt
reflex time) he felt bad about the way he'd treated Itchie. "I'll hop
over to his place and bring him some of those nice, little hotel soaps
that I've been collecting. They fit in luggage so well...."

As he pulled up to the Chinese laundry, or restaurant, or whatever the
heck it was, Dunkin' heard gunshots and the sound of Itchie's scream.
He burst in and ran up the stairs to the top floor. 

Jennifer stood over Itchie's still, bloodied form, holding his own
sword to his neck. 

"Jen, no! Please don't!!" 

She lifted the sword high. "I'm gonna do it, I swear! Phallic WANTS me
to do it!" 

"Wait!" Mac stretched his hands out to her pleadingly. "Think about
what you're about to do, Jen. Do you know what it's like to kill
someone? To watch them die? To see the eyes cloud over.... say, didn't
I make this speech just last season? Oh well, to carry the PICTURE of
the death in your mind for a long as you live? To carry the GUILT....

"Mac?"

"The MEMORY! The HORROR...."

"Mac...."

"....of what you've done. The...."

"MAC!!"

"Eh?" MacClod realized that he and Itchie were standing alone in the
room and Jennifer was gone. "Itchie, I saved you!"

Itchie snorted. "Yeah, right. While you were making your big speech, I
had time to recover and tackled Jennifer myself." 

"Oh...." Mac sniffed and looked around. "Is she all right?" 

Itchie shrugged. "She went off in a huff, but I think she'll get over
it. She said something about how she thought that nice bar owner
seemed more interesting to spend some time with, anyway...." 

Mac picked up Itchie's sword. "Well.... I guess you've learned a big
lesson from this, eh, Itchie?" 

"Are you NUTS? Gimmie back my sword!"

Mac held it out of Itchie's shorter reach. "Not until you tell me what
you've learrrrrrrned!"

Itchie threw his hands out in disgust. "Oh, for the love of.... okay,
how about I feel soooooo bad about killing your wacko friend. I'm sure
there was something I could have done to prevent fighting him even
though he was bearing down on me with a bloody huge sword..... happy?"

 MacClod handed him back his weapon and cuffed him on the shoulder.
"You're so cute when you're remorseful." 

"Yeah. Well, I'm beat, Mac. Think I'll head home for the night."

"Okay, goodnight, Itch. Sorry 'bout yet another lover trying to kill
you and everything...."

"Thanks, Mac. Later." Itchie strode out, closing the door behind him. 

MacClod sat down and contemplated the many faceted elements that went
into being an Immortal. He then contemplated how soon he could get
together with Amoura again, and...."

There was a knock on the door. Mac got up and opened it. "Itchie! Did
you forget something?"

"Yeah. This is my loft.... get out."

End