[started end of 1995/beg. of 1996]

-- Individuals and groups are entities, but are not equal. Individuals are true identities, true beings, and groups are constructs made to appear as a being. The individuals in the groups, when the groups become formed, loose their individualness. Their lost individualness disappears slightly and then joins the other faded parts of others in the groups, and becomes the group identity.

-- Groups. There are friends, and there are groups with rules. I think groups with rules started as the friend groups, as groups of people who came together for similar interests. They brought forth or realized the similar things into physical form. As they became physical, these things became rules or criteria for being able to join the group. If people did not meet the physical criteria, they were scorned and not let in the group. The originality of the friend group was lost, and the focus is now on the physical criteria.

-- "Good" is a feeling you have, almost like an emotion or a thought. It is subject to chaos. It is subjective and subject to change. It can appear to appear and disappear in objects and actions. It can manifest or not.

-- The going towards a goal makes you part of that goal. You are connected to the goal in your search for it. The Hunted is connected to the Hunter by the act of Hunting.

-- You should have a religion for yourself if you're going to have a religion at all. You shouldn't be seperated from your religion, it should be inside you. Religion shouldn't be an institution. If you don't live your religion in yourself, then you don't really have a religion at all.

-- you and others: there are conflicts that go on between your being and the being of others. You have to realize that you can't get feedback if you don't contribute. You have to be one side of the relationship. If you don't even join in, then don't expect to get back because you won't. You have to be the other side to have a whole.

-- you - your spirit and your consciousness: You need to realize that you can't find yourself outside yourself. Don't look to others to tell you who you are, because if they give anything back, it won't be you. You are you, you are not what others tell you you are. Conflicts arise when you don't see that you have to look for yourself inside yourself. It's "Know Yourself", not "Know What Others Say You Are". This does not mean totally cut others out. Others help you learn things you could use to find who you are. Look for advice, but don't look to them for yourself. They can possibly find pieces and let you know of them, and more enlightened people than yourself in perception of people may give you larger pieces, but the whole story is one you have to give to yourself, found in yourself.

-- Nothing is definate, nothing is certain, nothing is set in stone until it happens. This takes into account before and after it happens. You can't be certain of something before or after it happens.

-- You body is your link to the physical world. Everything from the physical world comes to you through the body. If the body is hindered from getting information passed through it, from the physical world, or from you, then the connection between you and the world is hindered.

-- People are always hiding. No matter how extroverted or how open they seem, there is something being guarded. They feel they must hide something, must guard it. I think that thing is their one private thing, the one thing they hide. They feel that is themself. They feel that if others see this, then they will loose their identity. I see you, you hiders. If you break that thing, you break them. They can't afford to loose that thing. You destroy them if you unhide it. Maybe they'll go insane, or fall into despaire. They have no private place to turn to, someone has found their secret. I can see them, I can make good guesses at their secrets. When you realize what you yourself guard, and all that goes with it, you can find what other's guard from careful study of them. Others are not so complex. They have their patturns.

-- One's chaos is the order of others, and the other way round.

-- When I go without something for a while, I not only learn to live without, but expect to live without. I forget what it is to have that thing in my life. It fades from my existance, from my memory. I forget that it even was in my life at all, and forget how to live with it. I never thing about it ever being in my life again. It is lost to me. I have a hard time even getting it back or being able to think of getting it back. It becomes truely lost to me. Many things have. Never people though, I care not for my loss of most people. [note: spot the untruth]

-- Fear is created by yourself. You become afraid because you make yourself afraid. I'm sure you can "get over" your fears (ie, stop making yourself afraid), but it is very difficult. Perhaps your mind needs or wants to fear things. I wish I could stop making myself fear things. I could concentrate better then.

-- "Things change". Yes, they do. Not always in the small way this is desperately quotes by excuse-needers, but in a large sense or way. The way people (or at least I) perceive things is changable, therefore, things are changable as seen. You can look at yourself in a mirror, and depending on mood (yours), the lighting, and other surroundings like clothes + hair, you look different. You can be beautiful or plain or anything. It can be subtle or large a difference. But all things are subject to your mind like this. Things do appear to change, and while they may or may not really be changing, your perception influences you, and you either see changes or not. Things that have changed may look unchanged, and the reverse is true. I myself do not trust my perception entirely. I doubt it when I see things in a way, because my perception lies to me. I don't trust my perception of things, personalities, or of myself. I am wary of myself.

-- [In case you didn't already know:] Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite of love. Hate and love are strongly linked. If you love someone and they betray you, you come to hate them. If you are betrayed by someone you don't love or hate, you say to yourself "whatever" and go on with your life. The people you hate the most were once the people you loved the most, or wanted to love the most [or had the potential to love the most].

-- Every group of people, professional or not, has it's fanatics that believe they are the only things holding the essence of the group. They believe they are the only true members of that group, and that if they didn't exist, the group would fall to the dedcay of "poseurs", spoilers, changers. They are actually only promoting social inbreeding. If not mental/intellectual inbreeding.

[--- somewhere about here, the entries have slipped in fits from mid 1996 to late 1996 then again to early-mid 1997 ---]

-- People never believe what I say. I think it's because they never tell the truth themselves, so they don't expect me to. That doesn't quite fit, though, because people are always willing to believe rumor and hear-say. So it could actually be that people only believe lies. If I lie to them, they will believe me.

[--- these two following were coined in early-mid 1996, but were only added to the book a year later. They are very abstract, due to their being coined as I fell into the depression/death at the time ---]

-- Inbreeding takes place among the very poor, and the very rich.

-- People fighting to avoid death are like children who struggle not to eat their vegetables.

-- I hate hypocrites. Especially these so-called "individualists". These spout about not conforming to the ideals of the Man, of Society, of the Corperate Entity (and other capitalized words), yet they expect people to conform to their ideals. I think I've mentioned before, this fact, and I've seen it expressed by others. But it can never be stressed enough.

[--- now, a jump to late 1997, and it continues to early 1998, and the present date. It takes on more the aspect of a journal, and I'm still suffering from the lingering tail end of a depression/death, so it's not particularly intelligent --]

-- You must have a goal. You must have something to strive for it, or what are you doing here? I don't have a clear idea (as of yet) of what I want to strive for. There are small goals that don't really mean much to me, or else I fear to strive for them, but no long term goals. Therefore, I am useless and wasting my time. People say "Why are we here? What's our purpose?" You have to make one for yourself. I suppose the only "purpose of people being here is to either have a goal and strive for it, or to not strive. Pick your own damn goals, or have someone else pick them for you, you whiner. Or sit there, being useless, and shut up. Or kill yourself. Right now I have no goals, except for the small ones (which I fear). Are those small ones worth going for, or should I just kill myself? Maybe I may find a larger goal. But right now I'm worthless.

-- Science is another form of magic. It is not the newestform, but it is new in it's role are "implicit", as absolute faith. It was once that gods and powers were believed in implicitly. Now, people believe (for the most of the population here) implicitly in science. Science is looked to for miracles. It mostly works, too. It works better and stranger as more people believe implicitly in it. It shifts the balance in it's favour, but the balance has to return, or be returned, or "something" might happen. This world is based on patturn, but run by chaos, with it's intricate patturns. Science has it's faults, like the gods. Perhaps my goal is to work within the intricacies of chaos. That would be difficult and interesting to achieve.

[--- This following, and the past entry or two, were done about the same time, in Oct 1997. The following is a bit long and rambling, with a bit of intelligence associated with it, but I'm still talking out the back of my head for most of it ---]

-- To work within the intricacies of chaos, I would have to be with existance. If this makes no sense to you, then go away and come back later. Words are my enemies, but I'm struggling with them to get as much as I can down before I forget again. I forgot for so long, but now some things, some events in the world helped me remember this far, and next time I forget, this can help me (I hope) get back again. So, I have to work within existance. The patturns are there, I see them occuring, but am still horribly bad at seeing where they may turn up. I may be a mixture of fatalist and existensialist. When it was said that existance is like a wheel, and keeps coming back, it's almost true. Similar patturns do keep occuring, but often in slightly dissimilar ways. To get to my goal of being and working within (and learning from?) chaos, I need to work within these recurring patturns. This is similar to the wisdom seekers, in that they want to know all, they want to know the patturns and existance. It is similar to the "magic users" or seekers of power, because they want to be like the wise and know existance, but want to be able to influence existance. So I need to first learn existance. So that is another patturn. I see problems with this. Existance is dynamic, so learning it is difficult unless you can change with it. Also, other people, some perhaps more powerful (or wise) than you, will be influencing the already dynamic existance, making it even more unpredicatable, but mostly (to my knowledge) in small ways. Even inadvertantly. I'm so glad that I met some people with the influence to help me recall this, to remember my goal, or to crystalize it's possibility, though I fear if I mention this, some will think I am going for this goal for small reasons. No, it so happens that we have similar goals. And do you know why, by now, that the seekers of wisdom and (non-earthly) power are on similar patturns, or similar goals? Because the patturn keeps occuring in mostly similar ways. --> simple logic

Ooo, I feel all enlightened now (that's sarcasm, stupid people). Now that I have my goal crystalized, I can start striving for it, and stop being useless. At least, for now.

[--- This next one is very journalish, and typical of the depressed and suicidal journal entry everywhere. It seemed to be relevant at the time, but feel free to skip it. You won't miss much; if you've seen one suicidal rant, you've pretty much seen them all ---]

-- I don't know who I am, and I'm fairly certain I wouldn't like me if I did know me. I don't like me with the small amount I do know. But I'd like to know so I could either change, or have a good solid arguable reason to kill myself. Not that I don't know, but I still don't know who I am, and I'd have to die without that knowledge. Then, I would have that knowledge, and could make a better educated decision to kill myself. Or not, but most likely my death will be the result. I'm a horribly boring person, and have nothing to live for.

-- Science may well be the newest form of magic, but scientists resemble priests in adoration of their god, rather than practitioners of magic. They convert, posture and expound their beliefs and how they believe the world works more than making the world work. Spend some time around the ones that create, that make science work, and you can feel their magic. Perhaps scientists would burn these? But that's too much of a comparison to that tired old horse, christianity.

-- [here's a humourous one thrown in] What do philosophy majors learn about the future? How to write "NIL" a lot.

-- I was right. I am right? I am the only one here.

-- As the powerful being, I submit to myself. Do I then relinquish power [, and if so, to what]?

-- If I only have my brain to find the truth, and my brain, all brains, are said to be false and prone to trickery, then I can't be assured of the truth I think I find.

-- Take your share of the responsibility for whatever happens to you. Nothing is ever 100% your resposibility, but neither is anything 100% not your responsibility. Taking you share of the responsibility of the events in your life will help you keep a clear perspective on your experiences, so you can better learn from them. If you avoid that little shred of responsibility, no matter how small, problems ensue. Likewise, if you try to take responsibility for 100% of the event, or make your share of the responsibility larger than it should be. You will end up with "issues", and it will torment you, perhaps to become the root of many strings of problems or "issues". So, accept the piece of responsibility that is yours (and only yours), take it into yourself, deal with it however you see fit, but never deny it. Accept it, deal with it, then let it die.

-- 'Anarchists' are often rejected by the capitalist-type structure, and have to be supported by socialist/communist programs (ie. welfare) until they die, change their ways, or find a way to support themselves, which is often in the form of a capitalist venture.

--- Last entry: Feb 13, 1998 ---