A Case Of You
by Pandora

Just before our love got lost, you said,
"I am as constant as a northern star,"
And I said, "Constantly in the darkness.
Where's that at? If you want me, I'll be in the bar."

Buffy stared out the window at the rain outside and sighed. "Looks like I'll have to drive Audrey to school." She muttered under her breath before shouting up the stairs, "Audrey Joyce Finn, get down here right now or we're going to be late!"

"I don't want to go to school!" A sleepy, six-year-old voice shouted back.

"Well, you can't just stay in bed all day!"

"Yes, I can! I'm sick!"

Buffy smiled as she ran up the stairs and plopped down on the bed beside her daughter. "Sick, huh?"

Audrey nodded violently, widening her already enormous brown eyes for emphasis.

Buffy frowned and mocked concern. "What's wrong?"

"I, uh, I got a cold." Audrey lied poorly, then faked a cough.

Buffy tickled her mercilessly, extracting helpless giggles from her little girl. "Well, slugger, if you want to stay home with a cold, you're not getting out of bed at all, and Granny's going to have to come stay with you while I'm at work."

Audrey made a face. "Can't you stay home with me? All Granny does is knit and make yucky tea. She's no fun and she smells funny."

Buffy laughed. "You know, Audrey, you shouldn't talk about your grandma like that. Doesn't she always get you the best presents for Christmas--"

"--because I'm her only grandchild." Audrey finished for her, rolling her eyes. "But Mommy, I want to stay home with you! Or Aunt Willow and Uncle Spike."

"Well, if you want to go to camp this summer, I have to go to work. Which means that if you don't want to stay home with Granny, you have to go to school."

Audrey pouted. "Mommy, you don't play fair."

Buffy laughed. "Come on, kiddo I've got breakfast waiting for you downstairs."

Audrey sighed and hopped out of bed, already dressed. "What's for breakfast? I'm starving!"

Buffy smiled inwardly. This child may be hers and Riley's, but she had somehow inherited Xander's appetite.

"Waffles, French toast and orange juice sound good?"

"Yeah!" Audrey bounded down the stairs ahead of her mother and made a break for the kitchen. She had already situated herself at the table with her breakfast before Buffy even got there. It never ceased to amaze her how energetic Audrey was.

Buffy poured herself some coffee and grabbed a piece of toast and sat down at the table. "So, slugger, what are you guys doing in school today?"

"Making May flowers."

Buffy frowned. "Isn't it a little early to make stuff for Thanksgiving?"

"Not Mayflowers, May flowers!" Audrey corrected, giggling. "It's because it's springtime."

Buffy froze, then looked over at the calendar and the dates crossed off with big, red X's. Her stomach lurched as she looked at the date.

Audrey chattered on happily, eating her breakfast, oblivious to her mother's sudden deathly pallor. "Okay, Mommy are we going to school now?"

Buffy pushed herself away from the table, shoved her hands deep into the pockets of her jeans and gave Audrey a tight, trembling smile. "O-Of course, slugger Mommy just has to make a phone call first."

"Okay."

Buffy fled to her bedroom, nearly tripping over one of Audrey's roller skates on the way, before she picked up the cordless next to her bed and frantically tapped in a number. She waited, tapping her foot impatiently, for the person on the other end to pick up.

"Hello?" Mickayla, a clerk at Buffy's shop, answered.

"Hi, it's me." Buffy said. "I can't come in today, okay? Have Tara cover for me."

"But why?" Mickayla asked.

Buffy groaned inwardly. She knew the older woman, employee or no, wouldn't let Buffy stay home unless she had a valid reason. She cringed slightly as she lied, "I've got a cold." She sniffed and faked a cough for emphasis, kicking herself for being worse than her six-year-old daughter.

"All right boss I'll call Tara. You stay in bed. Want me to bring you some soup later?" Mickayla asked, concerned.

"No, thanks that's okay. I'll be in tomorrow if I feel better."

"Okay."

"Bye." Buffy hung up and rubbed her temples in a vain attempt to soothe her newfound headache. She went back downstairs and snatched up her car keys.

"C'mon, slugger time for school." She announced with false brightness.

Audrey got down from her chair, grabbed her jacket and her backpack before she ran to the car.

Buffy clutched at her stomach to keep from throwing up as she got in the driver's side, fastened her seat belt and drove her daughter to school. Oh, God, she thought. It's today.

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
And she knew your devils and your deeds
And she said, "Go to him, stay with him if you can,
But be prepared to bleed..."

Buffy grabbed a bottle out from under the sink and headed for the living room. Spanish Sherry. Good for drowning sorrows. She twisted the lid off and took a swig before she snatched her and Riley's wedding picture off the mantelpiece.

She brushed a lock of her now dark brown, curly hair out of her face and looked at the picture in the frame. Riley was grinning broadly, resplendent in his ugly blue tux and wacky, brightly colored necktie beside her. She'd still been a blond then. She was wearing her mother's lavish wedding dress, covered with huge white bows and pink silk roses. She crinkled her nose in disgust. She'd hated that dress, but both her mother and Riley had insisted she wear it. But that wasn't what she wanted to see right now.

She took another huge gulp of sherry before sliding the back out of the frame and pulling out the picture behind it. The picture of her and Angel dancing at the prom.

She sank down on the couch, tears coming to her eyes as she looked down at it. He'd looked so wonderful and held her so close. Buffy tenderly traced Angel's face in the picture with one finger and drank some more.

She held in a sob. That was twelve years ago. Twelve years ago today. She was thirty now, and had only seen Angel a few times since then. Well, a few times compared to how often she used to see him.

She closed her eyes, remembering the last time she ever saw him.

They'd found a way to seal the Hellmouth. It seemed like some bizarre dream, too good to be true, and yet they'd done it.

Angel, Cordelia, Doyle, Wesley and Faith had all come to Sunnydale to help fight the uprising demons while Willow, Tara and a coven of middle-aged, experienced witches from Massachusetts worked the magicks to close the Hellmouth forever.

"You shouldn't be here." She'd told him. "You don't belong here any more."

"You can't handle this by yourself." Angel had stated.

"Really? You seemed to think I could when you left. What's different now?"

"You never get over it, do you? It's been two years, Buffy. You've got your perfect life and your terrific boyfriend, and you're about to be free from your post as Sunnydale's Slayer. You should quit being so damn angry and give me a break."

"You have no right to be here, Angel. You told me I had no right to be in L.A, what gives you the right to come back to Sunnydale?"

"Excuse me for caring if you and the entire population of Sunnydale dies."

She had opened her mouth to make another retort when suddenly a demon had pounced on her. It was much larger than the ones she was used to dealing with, and fighting it wasn't as easy as it should have been. Angel and Riley had both pried it off her, then battered it half to death, each in a competition to not only save her life but beat each other doing it. She got up and tried to kick it off Angel, but it had reached around and twisted her ankle until she fell onto her stomach on the ground. Finally, Angel had killed it, but before she could respond in any way, Riley had picked her up and hugged her almost hard enough to break her ribs.

"Oh, Buffy you scared me. I thought I'd lost you." Riley had kissed her forehead, then wrapped her in another bone-crushing hug while Angel looked on.

"I'm fine, Riley." She'd snapped, pulling away.

"Thank God." Suddenly, Riley's expression had turned very serious and he'd said, "Buffy, I have a very serious question to ask you."

"Okay..." Buffy had uttered. Angel had said nothing, waiting.

"Buffy, will you marry me?"

Her mind had spun like a color wheel. She'd shot a look over her shoulder at Angel, who was glaring quietly. She'd felt rage well up inside her, rage at the way Angel had left her, hurt her, so she could have a "normal life". That was when she'd decided. He wants me to have a normal life, fine I'll have one, starting right now.

"Yes." Buffy had said, turning back to Riley and forcing a smile. "I'd love to."

She caught a stunned, pained look on Angel's face as Riley enveloped her in yet another too-tight embrace. Her green eyes had met his brown ones, and suddenly, she wished she hadn't done it.

Angel's expression had turned hard, and then he'd turned and walked away, disappearing into the darkness forever for the second time.

Everything from that moment on had been so blurred in Buffy's mind. The months flew by like minutes. Willow had been selected as maid of honor, and some old friend of Riley's from the army, Buffy couldn't remember his name now, had come out to Sunnydale to be his best man. Invitations had been sent out. Buffy had invited Angel and his entire staff not to be polite, but because she'd secretly hoped Angel would come and stop her wedding, take her away, talk her out of it, and swear that he still loved her. He hadn't. His RSVP had been marked "regretfully decline" and that was that. The others had come, and Doyle had told her that Angel sent his best wishes for her future and happiness, but that was all she'd heard of him.

Within four years, their daughter had been born. They'd named her Audrey after Riley's mother. They had owned a "lovely" farm house in Iowa, leaving Sunnydale behind for good now that they no longer needed a Slayer. Buffy had hated it that house had been so...well, farm-y. The air had smelled like cattle and hay, the wood smelled rotten whenever it rained, and the roof had had leaks in it.

Buffy hadn't seen the others as often as she'd liked. She had, however, attended the weddings of Xander and Anya, Spike and Willow, Giles and Tara, and even gone to Cordelia's baby shower back when she and Doyle had conceived their twins. Angel had been invited to all of those events, even though Spike had grumbled about having "that bloody poof" at his wedding, but he never came. Buffy had asked Cordy if she was the reason why, to which the former cheerleader had tactlessly replied, "Probably."

Buffy had colored her hair to about Cordy or Faith's shade of brown when Audrey was a baby. Riley'd hated it. In retrospect, that was why she'd done it--to spite him. But she also liked the color, and kept it to this day. Somehow, Audrey's hair had turned out to be the same hue, which further annoyed Riley, for some unknown reason.

That was the year he'd died. Buffy thought back to the terrible accident that had led to Riley's demise. He'd been walking into town when he got hit by a truck. Buffy felt more tears coming as she remembered having to go to the coroner's to identify his body. Small wonder he'd been smashed up almost beyond recognition.

Audrey had been barely two, and hadn't understood any of what was going on. The only thing she really understood was that her daddy had been in an accident and now lived in Heaven, and she got to stay at Aunt Willow and Uncle Spike's house, and Uncle Xander had let her have all the popsicles she'd wanted.

All Buffy had wanted at the time was for everyone to go away. Giles and Tara, now a happily married couple, had constantly been bothering her, trying to be kind and supportive, making a huge fuss over her. Willow had been like a worried mother hen, trying to protect her chick. Buffy had been grateful for Spike and Anya's noncomittal condolences and the way they'd made a beeline for the food at the wake. Neither had particularly liked Riley, nor had they been particularly close to Buffy, so they'd given her the space she'd craved.

Buffy had once again invited Angel and his staff to come to a life-changing event. And, once again, everyone but Angel had come. At Riley's funeral, Cordelia and Doyle had been sympathetic and kind, but understood when she just wanted to be alone. They'd been busy with their year-old "terror twins", anyway. It was then that she learned of Wesley and Faith's impending marriage, and how close they all were to each other, and how Angel was a dear friend to each of them. Buffy had wanted him to come to the funeral, so that she could just lock herself in a room with him, lay in his arms and cry like there was no tomorrow. In spite of everything--the years of heartbreak and difficulty, the pain she'd caused him and vice versa, her marriage, the birth of her daughter--she still loved Angel and wanted his reassurance above anybody else's.

After that, she'd decided to get the hell out of Iowa. She had had no reason to stay any longer, and she'd wanted to move on to a better scene, where she wasn't stifled by the overly farm-like atmosphere Riley had said would be good for her.

Why she had chosen Montana, though, no one would ever know. She'd moved from someplace rural, backwoods and farm-y to someplace even more rural, backwoods and farm-y. What was nice, however, about this move was that the others had all come with her. Her mother had an apartment in town, as did Xander and Anya Spike and Willow had found an immense house overlooking a lake about four miles from Buffy's place, and Giles and Tara had settled into a cozy house with a white picket fence and lots of room for Giles to keep his books in. Of all of the couples who had married in the Scooby Gang, those two had probably surprised her the most Tara was so mousy and shy, and Giles so absorbed in his books that they seemed hopelessly mismatched. No one could really say anything about age differences Spike, after all, was 136, and Anya was 1132.

Buffy had gone through several jobs after Riley died receptionist, secretary, telemarketer. Basically, anything with a phone. Finally, when Audrey was about three, Buffy had opened a store in town. She sold bath oils, organic make-up, incense, and the like. It was actually a perfect job for her, and she was very successful at it. It would seem like she had nothing to be unhappy about.

But Angel. She missed Angel. Everything she'd done, every achievement through the years, she'd always thought of him. Wondered if he'd be happy that she was living the normal life he'd wanted her to have so badly so badly he'd left.

Not that she was still angry. The fury and the pain had long since dissipated, leaving only an intense feeling of longing. And loneliness.

Buffy polished off her bottle of sherry and got up off the sofa, sliding the prom photo carefully back into its place behind her wedding picture.

She ran out to her car through the rain and quickly drove over to Willow's.

She didn't bother knocking, merely went inside and shouted, "Hey, guys! I'm here!"

"Hey, Slayer." Spike greeted her, his mouth full of nails as he studied the instructions for how to put together a bench that would later be a front porch swing. Buffy stifled a laugh at the incredulity of the scene before her: William the Bloody, her former archnemesis, was a happily married man assembling a porch swing.

"Any reason you're not doing that in the garage?" Buffy asked.

Spike looked aghast at the thought. "It's leaking in there! I'm not going out there, just to get wet. Don't care if I am getting sawdust and sandpaper all over the carpet."

"Yeah we'll probably have to replace it." Willow said, coming in from the kitchen. "Hi, Buff!" They hugged. "What's up? How come you're not at work?"

"It's today, Will." Buffy explained.

Willow eyed her sympathetically. "I was hoping you'd forget."

"I nearly did, until Audrey pointed out that it was springtime and I looked at the calendar." Buffy sighed. "The anniversary of prom night. It's been twelve years shouldn't I be over it by now?"

"One would think." Spike muttered from over in the corner.

Willow reached over and smacked him upside the head. "Ignore him, Buffy."

"I just...I can't get him out of my head, Will. This is so pathetic. All these years, getting married, having Audrey, burying Riley..." She sighed. "I still love him."

Willow squeezed her shoulder. "If it makes you feel better, I still love Oz."

Spike growled angrily.

"A little." Willow added, quieting him down. "Love doesn't just go away, Buff. Even moving on with your life doesn't really do that."

"I know, but..." Buffy sighed. "Am I going to be crazy about him forever?"

"Well, no, not forever." Spike said. "You are going to get old and die, you know."

Both women shot him deadly glares. Spike muttered something and went back to his building.

"Well, Buffy, how crazy about him are you?"

"Crazy enough that I want to drive out to L. A right now and try to get him back." Buffy admitted.

"Well, then, you've got two choices you can either stay here and live your life the way it is now, or you can try and go back for Angel." Willow said. Buffy didn't notice the looks she and Spike exchanged over their shoulders.

Buffy bit her lower lip, thinking hard. If she went to L. A, and faced Angel for the first time in ten years, it could possibly lead to heartbreak and humiliation. But if she stayed here, in Montana, with her house, her shop and her daughter, she'd always wonder. Always wonder what she and Angel could've had.

Buffy slowly got to her feet. "Willow, could you take care of Audrey for a couple of days?"

Willow beamed at Buffy. "Of course we'd love to have her."

Spike hid a grin and pretended to be very interested in the instructions he'd been reading.

Buffy hugged Willow tightly. "This is crazy."

"But you're gonna do it anyway, so you might as well get started." Willow told her with a smile.

Buffy smiled back. "Bye, Will." She grabbed her keys and her purse, and all but ran out the door and to her car.

Spike wrapped his arms around his wife's waist. "So the Slayer and my poof of a sire are finally getting back together."

Willow grinned. "Yep."

"Took them long enough." Spike muttered before covering Willow's mouth in a kiss.

I remember that time you told me, you said,
"Love is touching souls,"
Surely you touched mine

Buffy stopped at Giles and Tara's on her way out of town. She wasn't going to call her mother or Xander, people who'd put doubts in her mind. She just needed to turn managment of the store over to Tara for a few days and then she'd be on her way.

She ran up the front steps and knocked on the door, waiting impatiently for Giles to answer.

"Oh, hello, Buffy what a surprise. Do come in." Giles greeted her, stepping aside to let her in. The years had been kind to him, and he hadn't aged very much at all. Buffy suspected that Tara had her ways of making him feel like a young man, but Buffy didn't really want that image in her head, so she merely admired the pictures on the walls of her ex-Watcher and Willow's ex-girlfriend on vacation in Maui, skiing in Vermont, and getting married back in good ol' Sunnydale. They looked so in love and so happy that she couldn't help but smile.

She quickly turned to Giles. "Tell Tara that she'll have to manage the store for a few days I'm going out of town, and I'm not sure when I'll be back."

Giles looked confused. "W-What? Why? Buffy, where are you going?"

Buffy took a deep breath. "Los Angeles." She hesitated a moment before adding, "To see Angel."

Giles looked surprised. "Oh." He went over and dropped into an easy chair. "Oh."

"Yeah." Buffy murmured, nervously picking at her cuticles. "Anyways, I kinda wanted to get going now, so if you could tell Tara--"

"Buffy, are you sure about this?" Giles interrupted.

"Seeing Angel?" She asked softly, brushing a dark curl off her forehead and tucking it behind her ear.

"Buffy, seeing him after all these years will be opening up a can of worms. You didn't exactly part on the best of terms, and you've been married, had a child and been widowed since the last time you saw him. A lot has changed. You're not a naiéve sixteen-year-old girl any more." Giles told her.

"You don't think I've thought about this?" Buffy sighed. "I'm scared as hell. What if too much has changed? What if he doesn't love me any more? Like you said, we didn't part on the best of terms, what if he's still hurt that I married Riley?" She sat down on the couch across from him. "Giles, I see you and Tara together you're so in love and so happy. You were made for each other. And Willow and Spike...they love each other so much, they can't even think straight half the time. And don't even get me started on Xander and Anya.

"But me...I don't have anybody. And even when Riley was alive, I didn't have that. I loved him, I married him, we had Audrey but I was never really, truly happy or intimate with him like you are with Tara. I never felt connected to him. Chances are, if he'd lived, we'd be divorced now, because we never had true love or passion we just weren't soulmates like the rest of you are. We didn't have what you guys have." Buffy paused."But I had that with Angel. I'd never loved like that before, and I've never loved like that since. He knew me deep down, in my soul, he knew me. And he loved me. We were close, we were connected. We had a real, true love like some people can only dream about. And I'm going to get it back."

Giles climbed out of his chair and came over to give her a hug. "Good luck to you, my dear."

Buffy hugged back. "Thanks, Giles. I-It means a lot."

Giles pulled back and smiled. "Well, what are you waiting for? Go. Go get your soulmate."

Buffy smiled, and walked out the door.

You're in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter, so bitter
And so sweet
I could drink a case of you,
darlin', and still be on my feet
Oh, I would still be on my feet

Doyle looked at his cards. This was not a good hand. He tossed two in and took out two more, a bead of sweat trickling down his forehead. He grimaced. Now he had an even worse hand. He swallowed hard. He couldn't lose this game. It would mean--

"Ah! Gin!" Wesley cried triumphantly from the other side of the table, then showed off his cards.

Doyle groaned and banged his forehead against the table. He sat up, determination in his eyes. "Two out o' three."

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Men."

"Princess, unless you want I should have to make the coffee around here for the next three weeks, don't laugh." Doyle sipped at his drink before setting it back down on the table.

"You know, Wes, you should quit while you're ahead." Faith put in to her husband.

"Oh, come on, darling you don't think I can beat him again?" Wesley asked her.

Angel shook his head in bemusement at them all. In ten years, nothing had changed these people. Well, okay, that wasn't entirely accurate the birth of her children had mellowed Cordelia and made her more tired. Alan and Delia ran amuck all over the office, constantly breaking things and bickering every second. Doyle served as somewhat of a mediator between the twins and had to somehow solve every single fight they had, or face the wrath of Cordelia. She was in charge in the family, and both her husband and her offspring feared and respected her. Both Alan and Delia knew to stop arguing when their father was sent to settle their fights, because if they didn't let him handle it, their mother would, and none of them wanted that.

Doyle often quoted Bill Cosby to explain this: "I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know where I lost it, I don't know if I ever had it. But I've seen the boss' job, and I don't want it."

He heard groans as Doyle and Wesley finished another round of gin, with Wesley as the loser.

"What'd I tell ya?" Faith smirked.

Wesley groaned. "Why don't I quit when I'm ahead?"

Faith kissed him softly before remarking: "Because, doofus, you never are."

Angel shook his head. What a pair those two made. Wesley, with his crisp white suit and neatly combed dark hair, his nicely polished glasses and clipped British accent Faith, in her short, slinky black slip dress and leather jacket, her once black hair grown down to her waist and bleached white blond they certainly looked mismatched. But somehow, the way she was perched in his lap, exchanging adoring smiles with him as she insulted his card-playing skills and ate pretzels, looked natural. They were all truly in love.

Angel's heart twinged with agony as he thought back to when he was that in love, a beautiful girl in his lap, smiling at him and telling him with her eyes that she loved him. He shook his head. Ten years had passed now wasn't the time to think about that.

Cordelia sat on the table. "Doyle, go pick up the kids." Doyle looked up at her. "I'm in the middle of a game, princess."

Cordy sighed, then snatched his cards out of his hand and did the same with Wesley's. She showed off both hands for the others to see. "You won. There. Now go."

Wesley groaned. "Three out of five." He begged. Faith thwacked him over the head.

Doyle grinned and pushed himself away from the table. "Sorry, Wesley I'd better get a move on before my dainty and gentle beloved decides to break my arm."

Cordelia scowled at him. Doyle just smiled before he pulled her off the table and into a kiss.

Faith threw a handful of pretzels at them. "Take that outside!"

Wesley smiled up at his wife and squeezed her thigh under the table.

Angel sighed and started for his office for a brooding round when he heard the door open and all the other noise in the room stop.

"Oh my God..." He heard Faith utter incredulousy.

Angel turned around slowly and his knees nearly buckled at the sight in the doorway.

The dark-haired woman standing there in jeans and an oversized, earth-toned sweater hardly looked the same, and yet no different at all. Ten years had done little to age her, and marriage and motherhood had ripened her beauty. The sparkling green eyes he'd once loved to gaze into stared around the room as she looked apprehensive.

Angel slowly stepped forward to where she could see him. He swallowed hard as he softly spoke the name he hadn't said out loud in ten years. "Buffy?"

She brushed dark curls out of her face and tucked them behind her ears before softly replying, "Hello, Angel."

TBC...

Sooo...tell me what you think! :-)

Go here for more of Pandora's stories.

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page