Weird S**t
By Cloud Strife Cait Sith and Kenolymeep

(The scene opens with Sephiroth, sitting in an inflatable chair under a bridge. He is holding a small white package)
Sephiroth:(Wiping away a tear) I can't do it anymore... nothing goes my way... CLOUD ALWAYS KICKS MY @$$!!!!!!! And it all because of this damn thing!! (Holds up the package) DAMN YOU CAIT SITH AND THESE DAMNED INSTANT PLOT DEVICES!!!!!! (Just add water) You and Cloud are driving me insane... well, no more than I already was... BUT ANYWAY!!!!!!! (Sets the INSTANT PLOT DEVICE on fire) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BURN, BABY, BURN!!!!!! (Unzips his pants and pisses on the roaring flame) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Starts giggling like a school girl. Looks down at the wet ashes, and puts his... "member" away) What's that? (Sees a white piece of laminated paper in the ashes. It reads: ***WARNING*** DO NOT SET INSTANT PLOT DEVICE ON FIRE AND PISS ON ASHES. WEIRD S**T WILL HAPPEN!
Sephiroth: Oh.... great.... (A white light envelops the planet as the device works it's magic)

(Later, in Tifa's seventh heaven)
Voice in Tifa's head: Tifa...
Tifa: Hey, voice! You're in the wrong head! Cloud's in the basement...
(Rolls over)
Voice: DAMMIT, TIFA!!!!! I'm here to speak to you.
Tifa: Sit on it and rotate, voice.
Voice: I just wanted to warn you...
Tifa: SHUT IT!!!!
Voice: But I...
Tifa: I said, SHUT IT!!!!!
Voice: But...
Tifa: Listen to me, voice! (Starts speaking slow as if she were talking to a child... or an idiot) SHUT.... IT.... EXCLAMATION POINT...
Voice: Fine, b***h! But I won't let you back into your dream! WAKE UP!!!!!!
Tifa:(Jolts awake) I was just about to kiss Cloud, too!
Voice: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Barret:(Runs into Tifa's room in a pink tutu and bra) Goodmorning, Tifa! (Starts dancing "Swan Lake")
Tifa: Barret?!
Barret: Call me Diva Delicious! (Continues dancing)
Tifa: Barret!! What the f**k is wrong with you?!
Barret: Please! No cussing! You'll hurt my sensitive ears...
Tifa: (Thinking to herself) Barret's wearing a bra! I've NEVER worn a bra. Does that make me a slut? NAH!!!!!
Marlene:(Busts in wearing a black dress and smoking a fat cigar) Shut yer piehole, d**k-head!
Barret: Oh, Marlene! You're such a cad! Hohohoho!!! Oh me, oh my! (Looks at his pink, Barbie watch) I'm late for my appointment! (Dances out)
Tifa: I must be dreaming!
Marlene: Hey, Teef! I was wonderin'? Do you have a skimpy skirt that I cou' barro?
Tifa: Aren't you a little young?
Marlene: Nah!
Tifa:(Just realizes she still in her lingerie that she slept in) GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!!!!!!!
Marlene: Aight. Wateva! (Slowly leaves)
Tifa: God! What the hell happened to them? Did they get into Cid's crack supply again? (Dresses herself) CLOUD!!!!! (Busts open her door)
Red XIII: Quack! Quack! (Runs down the hall)
Tifa: What the?!
Yuffie: Hello, Tifa! I trust you slept well.
Tifa: Uh, yeah, Yuffie.
Yuffie: Oh good! I'm so glad you're well! Is there anything I can do for you?
Tifa: No, Yuffie.... thanks for offering...
Yuffie: Oh think nothing of it! I feel it's my duty to be as helpful as possible! Bye! (Skips away)
Tifa:(Eyes still wide open) HOLY..... (Collapses on the floor) I think I'm having a nervous break down!
Vincent:(Walks up to Tifa) I just flew in from Nibelhiem, and boy are my arms tired! (Ba-doom! Ching!)
Tifa: Vincent?
Vincent: Hi, Tifa! Have you ever heard the one about...
Tifa: Have you seen Cloud?
Vincent: But I was about...
Tifa: WHERE'S CLOUD?!?!
Vincent: I saw him walking down the street. He said he hadn't had a bite all day... SO I BIT HIM!!!!!!! (Ba-doom! Ching!)
Tifa:(B***h slaps Vincent)
Vincent: Ooooh! Feisty!!!!
Tifa:(Slaps him again)
Vincent: I think I'll... go over there...
Tifa: Must... get... help...
Cid: Hey, Tifa? What the f**k's your problem?
Tifa: CID!!! You're still sane!!
Cid: Huh? What in the hell are you talkin' about?
Tifa: It's just that... Barret's a ballerina... Marlene's a slut... Red XIII's a duck... Yuffie's nice... Vincent's telling bad jokes... What's going on?
Cid: I dunno?! Wanna watch T.V.?
Tifa: Sure.... (Grabs the remote and changes the channel to the Dukes of Hazzard)
Cid: The Dukes of Hazzard?! What the hell?!?! Why'd you put it on such a horrible T.V. show?!?!? (Changes the channel to CNN)
Tifa: Cid? You sick? Want a cigarette?
Cid: How dare you offer me one of those cancer sticks?! You trying to kill me?!?!
Tifa: You need to calm down, Cid. You need some tea!
Cid: TEA?!?!?! (Pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII:(Looks vacantly at Cid) Mooooooooooooo!!!!!!! (Runs away) Tifa:(Screams at the top of her lungs) CLOUD!!!!! (Runs around the bar looking for Cloud)
Aeris:(Seeing Tifa running by) Tifa?
Tifa:(Skids to a halt) Aeris?
Aeris: Hey, Tifa. Wassup?
Tifa: Aeris? Have you seen Cloud?
Aeris:(Voice slurred) Clo...hic! No... fraid not... hic!
Tifa: You feeling alright?
Aeris: Neeeee... ver bett... hic.... ur.....
Tifa: AERIS?!?!?! Have you been drinking?
Aeris: Only bout ev rye kinda alkahol.... hic.... noon ta man.... hic!
Tifa: WHAT IN THE HELLS HAPPENED TO EVERYONE?!?!?!?!?!
Aeris: Yousa be shouten... hic... ta mooch... hic!
Tifa: I must find Cloud!!! (Goes up the pinball machine elevator and runs around the bar some more, looking for Cloud)
Cloud: (voice from outside) I AM THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!!!
Tifa: Huh? (runs outside to find Cloud on the roof in his boxer shorts, twirling his giant @$$ sword around) Cloud what are you doing?!
Cloud: (raises his sword up high) That which adds to the knowledge of…I am becoming one with the Planet!!!
Tifa: Cloud what's wrong with you?!
Cloud: I AM EEENVIIIICIIIBLEEEE!!!!!!! I'M SEPHIROTH'S WORST NIGHTMARE! I CAN EVEN FLY NOW TOO!! WATCH THIS, TIFA! (jumps off the roof and impales himself on his own sword) I…can't…die…I…am….INVINCIBLE!!!!! Mwahahahahahhaha…ha…ha…croak..
Tifa: CLOUD!!!!!!! OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Aeris: (from inside) BUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRP!

Voice: Tifa wake up!
Tifa: I'm dreaming?
Voice: No s**t Sherlock! Would I tell you to wake up if you were awake?
Tifa: It didn't stop you with Cloud…
Cloud: (shaking her) Tifa…Tifa wake up…
Tifa: ugh!? (finds herself back in the bar on the floor)
Cloud: You had to much to drink again and passed out, you lush! Are you alright? You sounded like you were having a nightmare…
Tifa: Oh Cloud! I'm so glad you're not dead! I was in a different place, and you were there, and so were you, and Auntie Em and little Toto and I had to click my heels together to…waitaminute that's just some stupid movie I saw on network television!
Barret: (waltzes in an even BRIGHTER pink tutu and no bra) Morning, all!
Tifa: (shakes her head in dis-belief) Barret…..?
Barret: Please, gentle Tifa! My preferred nomenclature is Diva Delicious!
Tifa: I think… I did drink… a bit too much……
Barret: But Tifa, there is no alcohol here!
Tifa: This is my bar!
Barret: Yes, your JUICE bar!
Tifa: Why'd I open a gay @$$ thing like that?!
Barret: So you could feel lively, and pretty…. Like me….
Tifa: (In head) Dear God… I feel a musical number coming on….
Barret: (Singing in a perfectly in-tune voice… that IS weird s**t!!) I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty, and GAY!!!!
Cloud: (Aside) Especially the gay part….
Barret: And I pity, any girl who isn't me TODAY!!!!! (Thank goodness the song's done)
Tifa: I WASN'T DREAMING!!!!!! MY NIGHTMARES CAME TRUE!!!!!! (Runs screaming into the streets)
Cloud: That was weird…. Nice song, by the way.
Barret: Why, thank you! (Curtsies)
Tifa: (Running up and down the slums in her bath robe) THEY'VE LOST IT!!!!!! THEY'VE ALL LOST THEIR F**KING MINDS!!!!!!!
Cait Sith: (Flying overhead) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll destroy them all!!!! I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOULS!!!!!!!!! (Lands in front of Tifa for some stupid reason) Good morning…. HUMAN SCUM!!!!
Tifa: Cait?! What's wron… oh, yeah! Everyone's crazy….
Cait Sith: I AM THE LONE MOOGLE RIDING FELINE OF THE APOCALYPSE!!!!! THINK OF ME WHEN YOU LOOK TO THE NIGHT SKY!!!!!!
Tifa: ….or not….?
Cait Sith: Insolent wench!!! YOU DOUBT MY POWER?!?!?!?!?!
Tifa: Yeah, yeah… I don't have time for this… Do you know where the nearest mental institution is?
Cait Sith: I have no time for the troubles of a being such as you! I must prepare for my global conquest! I shall be the last living being on this whole, puny planet! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Flys away in an extremely cool and evil manner. Eat your heart out, Sephiroth!!!!)

(Speaking of Sephy… let's see what the dips**t's up to, shall we?)
Sephiroth: (Skipping through the streets of Nibelhiem) La la la!!!! I love to do good, and help others! Oh look, a cat is stuck in a tree! (Flies up and gets the cat) Hello pretty kitty!
Cat: (Roars like a pissed off lion. Slashes Sephiroth)
Sephiroth: (Blood trickling down his face… or more like GUSHING down his face) What a naughty kitty. No milk for you, puss-puss!
Cat: (Bites Sephiroth's nuts then scampers off)
Sephiroth: Oh, well! I believe I should go to the mansion and prepare for Diva Delicious' arrival! Tra la la!!!! (Skips off)

(In the mansion)
Sephiroth: Oh my goodness! I burnt my quishe! And the Diva's on his/her way! (Circle one)
Door bell: (You're expecting a "Ding dong!! Ooooo… kinky, aren't you? Well listen… er, read this) Plays flowery music…
Sephiroth: That's the door… (Unties the apron) Hold on, I'm coming!
Barret: Greetings, kind sir!
Sephiroth: Oh my God! I can't believe THE famous Diva Delicious is at my door! Come in! Please, come in!
Barret: I hope you don't mind, but I brought a friend with me! Say hello to Yuffie Kisaragi.
Sephiroth: Hello there, Yuffie… (Thinks to himself) That is the most BEAUTIFUL girl I've ever seen! Ah, be still my heart!
Yuffie: Nice to meet you, Sephiroth… (Thinks to herself) Oh my Lord! That has to be the most handsome and elegant man I've ever met!
Yuffie & Seph: (Shake hands) I am honored to have met you!
Barret: How sweet! (All three sit down in chairs covered in clear plastic) Please don't think me rude, kind sir, but I feel a might pekish.
Sephiroth: Uh.. yes, Diva. And would milady, Yuffie, care for something as well? (To himself) I can't believe such a goddess existed on this earth!
Yuffie: No, thank you. (To herself) Such hospitality! Such manners! Such grace! I'm in love!
Sephiroth: Dear lady, would you care to accompany me after our appointment? I'm going bird watching later in an attempt to find the yellow-bellied cocksucker!
Yuffie: (swoons) I'd love to kind sir! I envy the attention that bird receives from you!
The three of them have a queer lil tea party, singing 'tra la la la la!!' all night long.

Meanwhile, Tifa is losing the last remnants of her mind…
Tifa: (falls to her knees in utter confusion and breaks down) Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Cloud: Tifa! I've been looking for you everywhere!
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Cloud: I've been thinking lately…
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Cloud: and I think I've finally decided between you and Aeris…
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Cloud: and it's YOU, Tifa…
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Cloud: Tifa, are you listening?
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Cloud: Tifa I love you!
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Cloud: Tifa I can't live without you!
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Cloud: You're all I ever think about!
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Cloud: Will you marry me, Tifa?
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Cloud: Tifa?
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Cloud: (tears well up in his eyes) She doesn't love me…
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Cloud: (starts crying uncontrollably)
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Aeris: (walks in) Cloud, what's wrong?!
Cloud: Oh…Aeris….
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Aeris: (hugs him)
Cloud: (weeps in her arms)
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Aeris: Cloud you don't have to worry about a thing, because you're my bodyguard…(in off key out of tune Whitney Houston voice) And I E I…will always…love you…ooo…ooo…I….will always…love you…
Cloud: (cringes)
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Aeris: C'mon Cloud, let's get out of here!
Cloud: Yeah…you're right Aeris…
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Aeris: (kisses Cloud)
Cloud: (kisses back) wow…Aeris…!
Tifa: Help I'm trapped in Hell…
Aeris and Cloud: (leave together holding hands)
Tifa: (snaps out of it) Wait! WAIT!!! That ditz stole my boyfriend!!!
(In background, Aeris can be heard singing)
Cloud: Aeris?
Aeris: (In his arms) Yes, Cloud?
Cloud: Could you stop singing?
Aeris: Okay…
Tifa: Grrrrrrrrr…… (Runs after them)

(Meanwhile, in the forest. Yuffie and Sephiroth search for the yellow-bellied cocksucker)
Sephiroth: Look!
Yuffie: What?!
Sephiroth: A rock!
Yuffie: Where?
Sephiroth: (Grabs Yuffie's boobs)
Yellow-bellied cocksucker: Tweeet!
(Let's go somewhere else, anywhere else….)

Cait Sith: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
(That's better… Meanwhile, in Cait Sith's underground stronghold)
Cait Sith: Now, to come up with a brilliant plot to destroy the planet!
Jenova: Black… materia…. Guh!!!
Cait Sith: Shuddup, you!!!! (Decapitates her)
Henchman #5: Why'd you do that?
Cait Sith: BECAUSE I COULD?!?! (Decapitates #5) Where's my favorite, #1?!
Henchman #24: On his union coffee break… He'll be back in 12 hours!
Cait Sith: DAMNED HENCHMEN UNION!!!!! Just can't find good help these days!
Henchman #9: #9, reporting for duty!
Cait Sith: Go away, insignificant imbecile! I've got #…. 20 something here!
Henchmen #24: That's 24…
Cait Sith: DON'T CORRECT ME!!!!!! (Slices him in half) I suppose I do need you…
Henchman #9: *Gulp* Really….?
Cait Sith: Order me a pizza! And if I find one speck of sausage on it, IT'S YOUR HEAD!!!!!!
Henchman #9: *Anime sweatdrop* R,r,right away…! (Runs like a monkey)
Cait Sith: There'll be sausage… I just know there'll be sausage…

(Let's check up on the forest scene)
Sephiroth: (Thrusts his…)
(YIKES!!!! Change the scene… HURRY!!!!!!)

(Meanwhile, somewhere in the world)
Stupid @$$ Sephiroth clone: (Wandering aimlessly) …. Se…phi…roth… having… sex… get pregnant… Re…union…. Mooooooo…. Crap…. Booty…. Green poop… Jenova…. Have to pee… (Farts) Just… broke wind…. Heeee…. Heee….
(Okay……?)
Clone: I… feel pretty….
(NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Meanwhile, in a Therapist's office)
Tifa: (Lying on a couch) … and it all started when I was a little girl.
All I ever wanted was a pink pony for Christmas. Every year I'd write Santa a letter asking for a pink pony… a pretty pink pony for Christmas… but Santa never left me one… THAT BASTARD!!! I left him PILES of my favorite cookies, and the fat @$$ ate every last one of them! He drank my milk, my water, EVEN MY BEER and never was there a pink pony UNDER MY GODDAMMED TREE!!!!!
Therapist: It's okay to be angry, Tifa….
Tifa: I only got those damned Barbie dolls…. I even wanted to be Barbie. IT'S THAT SANTA BASTARD'S FAULT MY BOOBS ARE SO HUGE!!!!! YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY BACK HURTS?!?!?!?! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!
Therapist: Calm down…
Tifa: Shut it, whore!
Therapist: But..
Tifa: Whore! I said SHUT IT!!!
Therapist: I'm just saying…
Tifa: Look me in the eyes, Whore!
Therapist: But…
Tifa: Look at me…
Therapist: ... I…
Tifa: Whore, look at me…
Therapist: … was…
Tifa: SHUT IT!!! (B***h slaps him) NOW! Where's that Santa @$$hole?! (Storms out)

(Meanwhile, the Turks are getting drunk in a bar… some things never change)
Elena: I still have hair on my chest! See, I have more hair on my chest than Reno!
Tseng: (Does a spit take)
Reno: Elena, you talk too much!
Elena: That's what you always say! Why?
Reno: Because it's my job…
Rude: (Raises the roof) Hee…
Elena: So it's your job to be an @$$hole?
Tseng: Yes! It's in the Turks contract! Remember…
(Here comes a musical number that the authors pulled outta their collective @$$)
Tseng: We wear rea-lly gay suits…
Reno: We love to suck down booze…
Rude: We've never seen a poot…
All three: WE'RE THE TURKS!!!!
(Gay @$$ snapping is heard in the background)
Tseng: We sing and we dance and we prance all day…
Reno: We're really stupid and we're really gay…
Rude: Kick Reno in the nuts and a hey-hey-hey…
All three: WE'RE THE TURKS!!!
Elena: But you're all jerks!!!
Reno: But hey, it works!!!!
Tseng: (In a deep opratic voice) And we get go-vern-ment peeeeeeeeeeeeeerks!!!!!!!
All four: WE'RE THE TUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRKSSSSS!!!!!
(Don Corneo jumps in)
Corneo: (In a warbly out of tune, drunken stupor) YOUUUUUUUUU… CAN'T HIDE YOUR LYIN' EEEEEEEEYEEES…
All Turks: WHAT THE HELL!!!!
Elena: You're ruinin' our song, you lech!!!
Corneo: *Gulp* (Runs away)
Elena: We have to go after him!
Reno: Elena, you talk too much! Now even the booze tastes bad! *Glugglugglugglugglugglug* Or maybe not…. *Glugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglugglug*
Rude: (Still singing) Oh crap, Reno's drinking too much….. He's gonna hurl and he's going to retch…. All because Elena's after that lech…..
All four: WE'RE THE TURKS!!!!
Elena: Ohmigod, Reno puked on Tseng's shoe…
Rude: What the hell is he gonna do…
Tseng: My friend Reno, you're sure screwed… (Uppercuts him)
Turks: (Excluding Reno) WE'RE THE TURKS!!!!!
Reno: (Sprawled out on the floor) Damn that hurts!!
Tseng: It's a pain that lurks!!
Elena: (Helps him up) That doesn't work!!
Rude: We already used that word!!
Elena: Who cares, this song bites the big one, anyway!!
Reno: Shut up, Elena! I like this song!!!
Elena: You would, you piece of monkey s**t!!!
Tseng: You're ruining the song!!!
Rude: WE'RE THE TURKS!!!!!
Reno: Dammit, Rude! All four of us are supposed to sing that part!!!!
Rude: D'oh!
Tseng: Let's try again… (Polka music starts to play as all four Turks do the "Chicken Dance")
Tseng: I can't think of one more verse!!!
Elena: Then I'll beat you with my big red purse!!!
Reno: I wish I could drive a hearse!!!
Rude: Some-thing… blah blah blah… BANANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The other three: THAT DOESN'T EVEN RYTHME!!!!!
Rude: WE'RE THE TURKS!!!!
Reno: THAT'S IT!!! (The Turks rumble in a huge dust cloud, as Aeris and Cloud walk into the bar. Whitney Houston music starts to play)
Aeris: (In frighteningly out of tune voice) And I E I…. Will always love you…. Oooooo….. oooooo….
Cloud: (Irritated) Shut up, Aeris!
Aeris: Sorry!
(They walk out together and the "musical" number ends… Thank the Lord our God! Meanwhile, a happy, more charitable Rufus is handing out presents to orphans on Christmas morning {notice how Christmas creeps up on ya?} and he is wearing a jolly red Santa suit in a very festive and giving manner {the authors cringe})
Rufus: Hello little boy! Ho ho ho! Now what would you want for Christmas?
Little boy #7: A crack pipe!
Scarlet: You called, Rufus?
Rufus: Huh?
Scarlet: You said 'Ho', weren't you calling for me? Did you get tired of the Honey Bee Inn and finally want a REAL woman like ME? (the authors go into convulsions)
Little boy #7: What's wrong with the lady, Santa?
Rufus/Santa: She's just a very pathetic, horny b***h little boy…now…go run off to your mommy!
Little boy #7: What about my crack pipe?
Rufus/Santa: I can't be giving those out, it's against the spirit of Christmas! Here, have a Blow Job Barbie with Duck and Suck™ action!!
Little boy #7: Does she *really* work Mr. Claus?
Rufus/Santa: (glares at Scarlett) Well it's been keeping me quite busy without the services of that dirty slut over there, now run along and become a perverted little creep like me!!
Little boy #7: YAY!!!! (scampers off)
Tifa: (appears atop Rufus/Santa's 'sleigh') SANTA!!! NOW YOU WILL DIE!!!!!!!
Rufus/Santa: Ho ho…
Tifa: I AM NOT A HO!!! DAMN YOU ALL! JUST BECAUSE I HAVE BIG TITS AND NO PERSONALITY AND WEAR SKIMPY CLOTHES DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM A HO!!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, SANTA CLAUS!!!
Rufus/Santa: Wait! Explain this to me! (gets punched in the gut *really* hard) Ha! It's only a pillow! (pulls his 'belly' out of the suit)
Little girl #13: Mommy! What's wrong with Santa?!
Little boy #4: He's not Santa! I told you he wasn't real!!
Children: (moans, groans, and lots of crying and broken little hearts are heard from the entire plaza)
Rufus/Santa: Wait! Don't leave! I still have lots of little Barbie and Teletubbie merchandise to get rid of…I mean give to needy children! Yeah, that's what I meant to say!!
Little boy# 25: Hey man, f**k you!!! Orphans rush 'em!!! (the orphans rush Rufus and beat the ever living s**t out of him until there's nothing left but a bloody suit!)
Tifa: Finally my suffering has ended!! Ah, I think I'll go have another beer…

(Later, in Tifa's Seventh Heaven)
Cid: Everyone… I just want to say… I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!
Barret: Oh, Cid! How touching!
(GROUP HUG!!!!)
Red XIII: Naaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!
Vincent: Look, Red XIII's a horse now! HEY! I just thought of a good joke! A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks: "Why the long face?"! (Ba-Doom! Ching!)
All: WE DON'T GET IT!!!!!
Vincent: You see, horse's have long faces. "Why the long face?" GET IT?!?!
All: No… not really…
Vincent: Alright, try this! Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks! (Ba-Doom! Ching!)
Cid: DUH?
Vincent: Nevermind… I hate explaining jokes. It ruins the spirit of the joke!
Cloud: (Rolls eyes) SURE it does…
Aeris: ANYWAY!!!!
Barret: (Begins to dance again) It's so good to see Cloud and Aeris getting along SOOOOOO well!
Aeris: Well, after all, he IS my bodyguard! (In same, horrible, screechy Whitney Houston voice) AND I E IIIIIIII…. Will always, love you….. ooooooo……
Cloud: (Annoyed) Shut up, Aeris!
Aeris: Sorry!
Red XIII: Naaaaaaaaaayy!!!!
Tifa: (Walks in bathed in Rufus' blood) Did I hear a pony? My pretty, pretty pink pony? (Walks up to Red XIII, near tears) Did my beautiful, pink pony finally get here? (Hugs Red XIII) My pretty, pretty pink…
Red XIII: Woof! Arf! Ruff, ruff!
Tifa: (Glares at him) You're my PONY!!!!!! ACT LIKE ONE!!!!!
Red XIII: AWOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (Scampers off)
Tifa: (Raises arms to the sky and falls to her knees) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aeris: ANYWAY!!!!
Tifa: (Shaking fists) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: I understand…
Tifa: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Cid: We get the point…
Tifa: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barret: I once had a goldfish, and it died, and my parents flushed it down the toilet. I feel your pain. (Bows it's head)
Tifa: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! (Collapses on the floor)
Vincent: Tifa, I'll cheer you up! Did you hear the one about…
Tifa: (Get's up and smirks evilly at Vincent) YOU!!!!
Vincent: Wha?!
Tifa: You scared away my PONY!!!!!!!! (Uppercuts him through the roof) I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!
Aeris: ANYWAY!!!!
Tifa: No, not anyway, you B***H!!!! (Storms out of the bar)
Aeris: Was it something I said?
Cloud: Don't worry, Aeris! I'm here for you.
Aeris: Oh, Cloud, you are here for me! Because you're my bodyguard!
All: (Cringe)
Aeris: (In… oh, you know) And I…
Cloud: Shut it, Aeris!
Aeris: Sorry, Cloud! You're so sweeeeeeet!!!! (Kisses him)
Cid: WHO'S UP FOR THE WEATHER CHANNEL?!?!?!?!
Barret: ME!!!!!!! (Dances around joyfully)
Cloud & Aeris: (Leave for parts unknown… until they show up somewhere once again)
Cid: I've always wondered what the weather was like in Australia!

(Meanwhile, Red XIII is making his way toward the Chocobo Stables)
Red XIII: Cluck! Cluck! Cluck! (Lays an egg)
Strange Monster #91: Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!
Red XIII: (Farts)
Strange Monster #79: (Passes out from the smell)
Strange Monster #91: (Runs for the hills)
Red XIII: RATATATATATATATATATATATATTAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! (In case you didn't know, that was the sound a Speckled Mongoose makes during mating season)
Chocobo #41: (In the ranch) Wark?
Red XIII: WARK!
Chocobo #25: Warrrrrrrk!
(Red XIII and the four Chocobos do a queer little "HAPPY" dance. At the end of it)
Chocobo #12: Wark, wark!!!
(Choco/Mog materia flies at Red XIII)
Red XIII: Wark!
Chocobo #92: Warkity wark wark wark!
Chocobo #25: Wark wa wark wark wark!
Red XIII: Wark! Wark WARK?
Chocobo #41: Wiggity wark! (The homey G Chocobo? CRAZY!!!)
Chocobo #12: Wark! Wark! Wark wark wark!
Red XIII: Wark, wark wark wark wark! WARK! WARK!
(That's enough of that, my head hurts…)

(Red XIII and his new friends talk all night. Meanwhile, Choco Billy and his daughter/sister/cousin Chole plot the future of the unfortunate amnesiac beast)
Choco Billy: N'yuck! N'yuck! Y'all gonna get a lickin'!!
Chole: What the Hell is wrong with you?
Choco Billy: I got me an idear!! We gonna breed dat new fella with Helga and produce a silver chocobo! Dat idiot guy with the spiked hair will pay us millions of gil for a chocobo that'll take him underwater! He wants to fight some Alpha Leviathan thing, damned fool kid!
Chole: H'yuck H'yuck H'yuck!
Cloud and Aeris: (making out in the bed of straw and overhear)
Cloud: Damn fool kid, huh? I'll damn fool kid YOU!!!
Aeris: "I'll damn fool kid you"? Is that some kind of threat?
Cloud: Wasn't that intimidating enough for you Aeris? You trying to say something here?
Aeris: Cloud! I'd never do that to you! After all, you are my bodyguard…(In shrieking banshee, out of tune, off key, Whitney Houston voice) AND I E I…WILL ALWAYS….LOVE YOU…OOO….OOO…I WILL ALWAYS….LOVE….*YOU*…
Cloud: Aeris…?
Aeris: sorry!
Choco Billy: What in tarnation was that goldarn racket?!
Cloud: (jumps out with sword drawn) You are going to breed me a silver chocobo for free or I'll cut your freakin' head off and I'm not going to pay you to rent a stable or pay you for greens you will give them to me or die! Understand?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Which is what Cloud should have done in the game when he saw how much that shitty old man was charging for a freakin' stable! I mean c'mon…
Aeris: ANYWAY!
Choco Billy: You shouldn't mate those with one that just mated…Helga just mated with Chole so…
Cloud: Hey, just because they just screwed doesn't mean they can't screw again! How do you think porn stars make all that money?!
Aeris: (looks at Red XIII) C'mon, lil chocobo, it's time to go have sex!
Red XIII: (very interested this time) Wark?!
Aeris: No silly, not with me! You cute little devil, you're going to breed with Helga!
Red XIII: (in disgusted, exasperated tone) Wark…?! (looks over at Helga, the oldest, most decrepit chocobo in the stable. She's missing half an eyeball and we're pretty sure she has crabs. She has warts all over her beak and snot is dripping out of her nose! The warts continue around her neck and make a B-line straight for her ass, where her feathers are changing color and falling off. She only has one leg left, and her wings are frail and covered in mold and her own fecal material…ah, you guys get the point, doncha? She's not just ugly, she's oogaly!)
Chocobo #91: All I gots ta say, is youz is naaastae!!!!
Cloud: (glares at choco 91)
Chocobo #91: (innocently) Wark?
Red XIII: (pukes all over Cloud)
Cloud: That was new!
Aeris: C'mon lil chocobo, it's time!
Red XIII: (whimpering, crawls over to Helga)
Helga: C'mon big boy, you know you want it!
Red XIII: (opens his mouth to scream but Cloud tosses a 'nut' between his jaws)
Choco Billy: Hee hee hee…this is my favorite part!!!!
Aeris: C'mon Cloud, let's leave these two love birds (literally) alone!!
Red XIII: (aside) For the love of God…!!!
(screams of sheer terror are heard throughout the barnyard that night as Choco Billy and his perverted hencewoman Chole watch the carnage. In the morning…)
Baby Chocobo: Wookie woo! Wookie woo!
(Victory fanfare music plays)
Choco Billy: Congratulations! You got yourself a new chocobo! And I'll be damned if the f**king thing isn't silver!!!
Silver Chocobo: (walks over to Red XIII) Dada?
Red XIII: Wark?
Silver Chocobo: Dada!!!
Red XIII: WARK! (continues mauling Helga's bloody remains)
Aeris: Awwwwww! Isn't he just a cutey wootey patootey?!
Cloud: Uh… yeah… sure…
Choco Billy: Let's feed the little critter some greens, hey?
Chole: (Tosses the Silver Chocobo… let's just call him "Booger"…. A few greens)
Booger: Wookie woo! (Victory fanfare plays)
Choco Billy: Dat varmits getten 'long better, y'all!
Cloud: Alright, on to Alpha Leviathan!
Aeris: … A cute widdle woo woo…
Cloud: Aeris, you feelin' alright?
Aeris: I'm always alright around you, because you're my bodyguard! (You know the drill) AND I….
Cloud: Shut it!
Aeris: Okay!
Choco Billy: Riding Chocobos? He hehe! Which one y'all gonna take?
Cloud: Which one do you think, dips**t?!
Choco Billy: Helga?
Cloud: (B***h slaps him)
Booger: (Burps)
Aeris: Awwww! He's all burpy!!!!
Cloud: (Glares at her)
(They both ride out on the baby chocobo… who is the same size as an adult chocobo. Go fig?!)

(I believe the forest is safe, let's see what's going on, shall we?)
Yuffie: WOW!
Sephiroth: I think… I think I'm pregnant…!
Yellow bellied cocksucker: (Lying on the ground kicking it's little feet in the air) I'm scarred for life!! SOMEBODY KILL ME!!!!!!!!
(That was…. Fun? Anyway, let's check on Cait)
Cait Sith: (Standing over the charred remains of Henchmen #9) There was sausage on MY PIZZA!!!!!!!!
All Henchmen: *Gulp*
Cait Sith: But that's okay. Us evil geniuses can pick off the undesired topping…!
All Henchmen: *Phew*
Hojo: (Frolics in. In Aerith voice) Highly unlikely… (Frolics out)
Cait Sith: Intriguing…
Henchmen #44: Yes, very…
Cait Sith: (Punches him in the face) NO ONE SAID YOU COULD TALK!!!!!! I swear, eating up characters in this fic… it's already 14 pages long! If EVERY little extra spoke, it'd be longer than ROADTRIP, dammit!!!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Notice a bit of self promotion… of the shameless variety?
Stupid @$$ Clone: (Wanders in) Green… pooop….
Cait Sith: That gives me an Idea… wait! No it doesn't.
Stupid Clone: Wonderful… magical… diapers…
Cait Sith: Get this freak out of my presence!
(As the Henchmen drag the clone away, his hood falls off. He is revealed as none other than…)
Cait Sith: Zack?
Zack: I love to…. Eat… eat… eat…… apples and bananas…. ABCDEFG….
Cait Sith: Ahem?
Henchmen #'s 29 & 52: Right…
Cait Sith: SHUT UP!!!!!!
Zack: (Holds up what appears to be a weapon)
Henchman #52: He's got a knife!
Cait Sith: Zoinks!
Zack: Green… poop… (Takes a bite) Yummy… yummy…. In my… tummy…
Cait Sith: Gadzooks!
Zack: he…he…

(Meanwhile…Cloud and Aeris ride Booger down to the former Emerald's crater to fight Alpha Leviathan)
Cloud: (dismounts Booger) Where art thou, vile creature of darkness?
Aeris: Cloud, are you okay?
Cloud: Yeah, of course!
Aeris: (regarding Booger) You're such an eensy weensy widdle woo woo!
Cloud: Aeris, are you okay?
Aeris: Yeah, I'm always okay around you because…
Cloud: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Aeris: Okay!
Alpha Leviathan: (swims up) You! YOU!
Aeris: Me?
Alpha Leviathan: Not you, Aeris, you can't fight for s**t! I'm talking to the freak with the messed up hair that is magically still dry even at the bottom of the ocean! You killed my boyfriend!
Cloud: duh?!
Alpha Leviathan: You killed my Emerald, what did he ever do to you?
Cloud: He was STUPID!!!! That green f**ker was supposed to be sent to get rid of Sephiroth so what does he do? He tries to kill us instead! Useless, s**tty imbecile!!!
Alpha Leviathan: HOW DARE YOU MAKE SENSE IN MY PRESENCE?! Anyway…this all has to stop. All the killing and violence and hatred has to stop. Here Cloud, just take the Super Nova Materia and all the experience points. I don't want to fight anymore…
Cloud: (Receiving materia and experience) But…
Alpha Leviathan: Just take your chocobo and go, let the hatred end here.
Cloud and Aeris: (mount Booger and ride him slowly away, looking back once)
Aeris: Oh, Cloud! You did the right thing, you know…
Cloud: (frowns) I wanted to slice that thing's head off! (turns Booger around and makes him speed back towards Alpha Leviathan)
Alpha Leviathan: BLEH!!!!
Cloud: (whips out Ultima Weapon and slices her head off) He he…hehehe…Ha HA HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
Aeris: Cloud?!
Cloud: Um…she was trying to trick us and kill us…yeah, that's it!!!
Aeris: Oh Cloud, you're so brave…
Cloud: Heh…

(Meanwhile, Cid is sitting on the couch watching t.v…but it ain't the Dukes…)
Cid: (starts singing along with the t.v.) We are looking for Blues Clues…we are looking for Blues Clues…I wonder…where they are…THE CLUE IS RIGHT THERE!!! SEE THE GIANT BLUE PAWPRINT?! (pulls out his "Handy Dandy Notebook" and draws a picture of a flashlight)
Vincent: (walks out) What the f**k!?
Cid: I SEE THE SECOND CLUE!!! IT'S ON THE CLOTHESLINE!!! IT'S A SHEET!!! (draws a picture of the sheet on the second page of his "Handy Dandy Notebook", turns toward Vincent) What do you think Blue wants to build with a flashlight and a sheet?
Vincent: I guess we'll just have to find the last clue…(sits down next to Cid)
Vincent and Cid: (staring vacantly and slack-jawed at the t.v., awaiting the final clue…a bit of drool escapes from Cid's mouth…)
Cid: JUST SHOW ME THE LAST DAMN CLUE!!! (tears out his hair)
Vincent: (begins to figet and spasm) LOOK! There's the final clue!!! It's a table!!! (leans over to Cid) Let me draw in the "Handy Dandy Notebook" this time…PLEASE?!
Cid: Oh, alright…but I get to sit in the thinking chair…
Tifa: (in the background watching the whole thing and laughing her @$$ off)
Vincent: What could Blue want to build with a flashlight, a sheet, and a table?!
T.V.: A tent!!!
Cid: A TENT!! THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY F**KING SENSE!!! Oh well…(grabs Vincent's arm and they start dancing around singing) We just figured out Blues Clues! We just figured out Blues Clues! (Cid hugs Vincent) Thanks so much for all your help! I couldn't have done it without you, Vincent!!
Vincent: We'll just have to do it again tomorrow! Same bad time, same bad channel!!
Tifa: (rolling on the floor laughing hysterically)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Cait was watching Blues Clues, this was an actual Blues Clues storyline, and I had nothing to do with this. -Cloud

(Meanwhile, in Valhalla, the summon monsters are conversing at 'The Round Table' which the Knights of the Round dragged all the way to Odin's palace so they could sit there)
Bahumat ZERO: Alright everyone, this meeting of the Gods is now in session. (scratches his @$$)
Choco/Mog: We were awakened once again when Nanaki, posing as a Chocobo, gained access to my materia (Mog adjusts his jockstrap while Choco farts and then scratches his @$$)
Shiva: God it's hot in here! (scratches her boobs then adjusts her bra)
Ifrit: Hey everyone I gotta go for a second. (scratches his balls)
Neo Bahumat: Why? Have you been summoned? (shoots fireballs from his arse like William Wallace and then scratches it with a claw)
Ifrit: No, I have to take a s**t! (farts) It's coming out!!!! (runs out of the Hall)
Titan: (walks in a purple loincloth) Hey you sexy studs! Testify, girlfriend!
Shiva: (starting to melt) I have never been nor will I ever be your girlfriend!!
Titan: No, silly! I'm GAY!!! The knight with the axe knows a little bit about it!
Knight #7: Hee…(rubs his ass)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: YIKES!!!!!
Alexander: ANYWAY!! (scratches his @$$)
(suddenly a bunch of Commie Bastards walk in…)
Commie Bastard # 25: We come to play with Ziv!
Leviathan: blah? (scratches his @$$, quite a feat when you don't have any appendages)
Bahumat: You want two heavens down from here!
Commie Bastard # 8: Thank you comrades (scratches his @$$ and they leave)
Kjata: Wait a minute! You just sent them straight to Hell!! (scratches his @$$ with a hoof)
Bahumat: They're Commies! Of course I sent them to Hell!!! (farts fire)
Odin: You people have no class! (farts loudly) Wow, that was a wet one! My pants feel all warm! I better change them! (scratches his eight-legged horse's @$$) Good horsey! (They leave)
Shiva: I'm outta here my boobs are melting! (scratches her @$$ and leaves)
Alexander: ANYWAY!!
Bahumat ZERO: COULD WE PLEASE GET TO THE POINT OF THE F**KING MEETING? (farts)
King Arthur: We should accelerate the growth of Sephiroth and Yuffie's baby so that some plot can be brought to this meaningless story and the Great Evil™, Yufferoth can be born! Then Cloud and his friends will have something to do besides sing musical numbers.
Sir Lancelot: Good sir, you always make everything so serious! Must things always make sense? (Belches loudly while touching himself)
Sir Gawain: (whispers in Arthur's ear) Lancelot slept with your wife! (lets loose disgusting, wet, sloppy fart)
King Arthur: I'LL KILL YOU YOU SONOFAWHORE!!!!!!!! (whips out Excalibur and chops off Lancelot's head) Wait that'll grow back! (chops off his wang, the source of the problem) Much better!!!
Alexander: ANYWAY!!
Sir Gawain: Jesus that thing is small!!!
Alexander: I just "ANYWAY!!"ED!!! Did you hear me!!
Ramuh: ANYWAY!! (scratches his @$$ with his lighting rod and zaps the s**t out of himself)
Alexander: That's my line f**ker!!! (blasts him) ANYWAY!!
Bahumat ZERO: Alright Alright Alright!!! I'll accerate the growth and give Cloud and his buddies something to do! They *were* watching Blues Clues for God's sake!! Meeting adjourned!! (everybody gets up to leave while Choco shits on the floor)
Choco: Wark!!!
Bahumat ZERO: You really got to train that bird better, Mog! (s**ts in his throne)
Mog: Yeah…sure…

(The scene shifts to the delivery room where Sephiroth is about to give birth…)
Yuffie: I'm gonna be a daddy! I'm SO happy!!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESH!!!!!!!
Barret: I just know this child will be a Godsend upon this terrible world!
Marlene: Viva la Diva!!!
Barret: Oh Marlene, ho ho ho!!
Sephiroth: (Grunts) This is the WORST pain I've ever experienced in my life!!!! (Points at Yuffie) THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!
Yuffie: Don't be ridiculous…. You started it! See…. (Hands him her copy of the script) RIGHT THERE, silly goose!
Sephiroth: (Reading aloud) Meanwhile, in the forest. Yuffie and Sephiroth search for the yellow-bellied cocksucker. Sephiroth, look! Yuffie, what?! Sephiroth, a rock! Yuffie, where? Sephiroth, grabs Yuffie's boobs. Yellow-bellied cocksucker, tweeet!
Yuffie: (Takes it back) See…
Sephiroth: GIMME DRUGS!!!!
Yuffie: Goof ball, we decided to have a NATURAL childbirth!
Sephiroth: YOU'RE NOT THE ONE GOING THROUGH THIS!!!!!
Doctor: Mr. Sephiroth! Mr.?! Ooky!! ANYWAY, do your breathing, Ma'am.. uh, sir… uh…
Sephiroth: (Does stupid breathing stuff) Huh, huh, HEEEEEEEE!!!! (A purple child flies across the room)
Nurse: (Catches child and does a victory dance)
Doctor: You go, girlfriend!
Nurse: (Spikes the baby)
Sephiroth: (Suddenly calm) Let me hold it!
Doctor: (Scrapes baby off the floor with a spatula) It a…. hermaphrodite!
Marlene: Yikes!
Barret: How precious!
Yuffie: It's got your eyes!
Sephiroth: It's also got my hair! LET GO!!!!!!!
Baby: Goo goo! (Vomits on Sephiroth)
Yuffie: It's all urpy! We shall name it…
Baby: (In extremely evil voice) YUFFEROTH!!!!!!! (Disappears)
Yuffie: Duh?!?
Doctor: Wow! That was really…. Uh…
Yellow-bellied Cocksucker: Creepy? I mean… tweet!

(Meanwhile, Cloud, Aeris, and Booger make their way to the surface of the ocean when they are greeted by a school of friendly eels…)
Eel #27: Quaaack! (farts)
Cloud: What the hell?!
Aeris: I'm feeling a little gassy myself… (farts)
Cloud: Oh wonderful…(in announcers voice…) it's Aeris, the flatulent girlfriend!
Aeris: I love yoouu!!! (farts)
Cloud: (groans) Wait a minute…!
Aeris: It smells like roses! How queer!
Cloud: You're quite talented…
Aeris: (giggles) Why don't I show you how talented I am? (kisses him)
Eel #23: Quaaaack!! (farts)

Meanwhile…Cait Sith is having fun attempting to resolve the problem with Zack in a dungeon beneath his fortress.
Zack: Green…pooooop… (shakes it around, getting it everywhere and all over Cait)
Cait: You @$%^!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!
Yufferoth: (appears out of nowhere) BLEEEH!!!!!!!!!!! (charges at Cait)
Cait: I'll deal with you later! (decks Zack and the poop goes flying from his hands and into Yufferoth's mouth!)
Yufferoth: Ack! (dies)
Cait: So Yufferoth's weakness must have been…
Henchman #19: Green poop!!! It's like kryptonite or something!!!
Cait: Damn you! I didn't say you could talk!!! (anililates him)
Henchman #19: Where have…all the…flowers gone…(dies)
Zack: Oh Cait thank you! Without the green poop™ I'm human again! You're the hero of this fanfic!!!
Cait Sith: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm supposed to be the villain! The VILLAIN!!!!!!!!!!! AHG! GET HIM MY HENCHMEN!!!!
Henchmen #15: Hey man, f**k you!!!!! Henchmen rush 'em!!!!!!
Zack: Oh S**T!!!!!!!!!!!!! (buys the farm yet again because I hate his f**king guts in case you failed to notice -Cloud)
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Cloud: Okay Cait, have we put the characters through enough yet?
Cait: Yeah, I think we need to end this crazy @$$ fanfic…but how!?
Kenolymeep: Hey guys!
Cloud: Keno!
Kenolymeep: Ultim! I have an idea for the ending…can I pweease do it? PWEEEAASE?! (batts eyelashes innocently)
Cloud: Oh what the Hell! What's your idea…? (the authors huddle for 5-10 minutes and the characters find themselves all together in a giant circle in the middle of Midgar, where it all began…)

Tifa: GOOD LORD I'M GLAD THE INSANITY IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Oh but IT HAS JUST BEGUN!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Ok People, Cait has Officially LOST IT.
Lots of people, from somewhere: Thanks for notifying us, CAPTIAN OBVIOUS!
Barret: (in a Aeries-just-saw-booger-voice) I thought it was vewy thoughtfuw...
Tifa: Maybe Cait was right.....
Cait Sith: OF COURSE I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!! (slices Bill Gates in half.)
NOTE: WE STILL DONT KNOW WHY BILL GATES IS IN THIS FIC. IF YOU DO, PLEASE KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL FOR TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT.
Red XIII: Sup my dawgs?
Tifa: PLEASE NOOOOO!!!!!!
Red XIII: Just playin....
Tifa: Thank God!
Yuffie: How was Cait even gonna take over the world??
Cait: (In Sherlock Holmes voice) Elementary my dear..err annoying Yuffie. (Sir Aurthor Conan Doyle turns over in his grave)
Barret: Disco Feva... Dico Feva... Disco Fev... yeah! Yeah! YEAH! YEAH!
Elena: (whining) Not another song......
(macho man starts playing)
Cloud: I gotta be a nacho nacho man...YEAH!
Cait: I've got to be.. A Nacho Man..
St. Anthony's Royal Choir: (In perfect tuned high voice) NACHO NACHO MAN!!!
Rude: I've got to be, a bald man!!!
Michael Jackson: NACHO NACHO MAN!! OOOWWWWW!
Reno: I've got toooww beee a drunckenn mayannn.. ouuoww (passess out)
Cloud: When I step out..on the floor..
Sephiroth: He starts throwing me, against the door!
Cait: I tried to take o-ver the world!
Tifa: Now I gotta say, PLEASE NO LORD!!!!!
Will Smith: Nacho Nacho Mayan yeah..
Cloud: I've got to be, a nach man...
Vincent: When I hear that funkay tune..
Cid: That plays on Nickelodeooon..
Pilot of Highwind: It goes a little bit like this:

"We Just Figured out blues clues,
We Just Figured out blues clues,
We Just Figured out blues clues,
Cause' We don't have a life, YEAH!"

(Record does that reaaaghhh sound)

Cloud: What the....
(Lights go out, and a spotlight shines on Aeires)
Voice on some intercom from who-knows-where: And the winner for annoyying, most off key out of tune Whitney Houston voice goes to....(drum roll) Aeris Gainsborough!!!

Aeris: You hate me, you really hate me!!!
All: DOIYY!!!
Aeris: Well, I'd like to sing the little number that got me this award...
Tifa: Lord, I'm not asking for much, just please, please dont let her sing-
Aeris: AND IIIIIIIIEIEIEIEIEIEIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILLL ALLLWAYYYSSS LUUUOOVVVE YOUUUUUUOOOUUUUU!!!!!! FOREVEEERRRRR AND EVVERRR OOHHHHH. (there's a rumbling noise)
Will Smith: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen
"The boys": GENTLE??!!
Will Smith: Ok, Ladies and toughmen..except for Barret..
"The Boys"(including Barret): Thats Better!!!
Will: Thanks to Aeris' super-off-key-out-of--tune-Whitney-Houston-voice, the fabric of reality cracked and everything will return to normal.
Tifa: I knew my prayer wouldn't be answered!!! THANK YOU GOD!!
Adam Sandler: (riding in on a tractor, chasing after a visible penguin) COME BACK HERE PENGUIN!!!!!! (pulls over) Hey, DO YOU HAVE ANYMORE GUM?!
Tifa: I do!! Here! (HANDS HIM SOME GUM)
Adam Sandler: Hey, I feel like a song..
Cid &Vince: Meee tooo..

"WE ARE GONNA PLAY-(interruppted by a new song with tons of people including Bill Gates' rich soul. )
NOTE: If you have figured out why Bill Gates is in this fic, please get help, because your life is messed up more than this fic.

TONS OF PEOPLE: DO YOU HAVE ANYMORE GUM?????
DO YOU HAVE ANYMORE GUM???
CAUSE WE ARE FEELING GLUM...
DO YOU HAVE ANYMORE GUM???
We like to eat lots of grapes.
AND TONS AND TONS AND TONS OF APES!
We really hate apple pie!
And if you dont we'll throw some in your eyyyee...
Do you have anymore GUM?
DO YOU HAVE ANYMORE GUM?
We're feeling like a bunch of dirty bums...
DO YOU HAVE ANYMORE GUM?
I think I'm gonna get me some...
BUT DO YOU HAVE ANYMORE GUM MORE GUM MORE GUM MORE GUM MORE GUM MORE GUM MORE GUM MORE GUM MORE GUM ... MORE GUM MORE GUM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Will Smith: I guess I was wrong..oh well..
Tifa: Gimmie that!! (takes the neurolizer and flashes everyone)
Tifa: There!!!!!
Aeris: (wearing cheap, generic, sunglasses.) ANDD IIIIIIEIEIEIIIIIIIIIIIII WILLL ALLLWAYYYYYYYSSSS LOOOOOOVE HYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE EEEIIIIEIEIEIEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ALLLWAYYYYYSS (breath) LLLLOOOOOOOVVE YOUUU.
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ah, you get the idea...)

SHUT IT!!!!!

Blue: RAREOW!

Cartman: Hey, 'll blow ya friggin head off!
Blue: (chuckles)
Cartman: (blows Blue's friggin head off) HEHEH....

EVERYONE IN THE ENTRIE UNIVERSE THAT WAS EVER IS AND WILL BE ALIVE: SHUT IT!!! YES YOU!!! THE READER!!!! SHUT THIS DOCUMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. you wouldn't happen to HAVE ANYMORE GUM now would you?