The Paths Not Taken - Epilogue
//Private thoughts or mental argument - when one person is trying to decide something.//
*//Thoughts broadcast to/from (another) telepath.//*
~Emphasis marks~
~~~~ Scene change - small (or POV change)
******** Scene change - large (or POV change)
~~~~
Stepping back into G'Kar's ship, he sat down with a greater weariness then he should have felt. It only started to fade when he looked up to see Lyta half-curled in the seat closest to the back, holding their daughter against her shoulder as the baby slept. The thought passed into his mind //I'm going to be a dad to siblings - Tyler was from Byron, too, may the nutcase rest in peace. I hope it becomes safe for telepaths to live, sometime, so that Tyler and Em can meet one day.// He stood up again, and moved down the ship's walkway to kneel before Lyta.
She looked up at him and gave a reserved smile. She wasn't going to totally forgive him yet for what he'd done to her, but she was on the road to forgiveness. He pulled out the picture frame from his pocket and pressed it into the hand not holding Emily, and kissed her cheek.
"You're even more beautiful now, you know."
"I am not."
"Oh, come on," Zack jested, "You're at ~least~ a D cup now -OUCH!"
Lyta managed to look annoyed for a few seconds before the puppy-eyes Zack attempted to wear made her smile again. "You don't do mournful very well, Zack."
"Yeah, well . . ." he commented as he rubbed the ear she'd pinched. "But you are, you know. Your hair's longer, too. I like long hair." He sat next to where she was half-laying and shifted closer to her, cradling her in his arms.
He held her, letting her snuggle against his chest, realising she wanted it. She seemed to like that, besides, he welcomed any excuse to hold her after their forced estrangement. "You'll be a good mom, Lyta, between the rogue kids and stuff you probably remember from your own mother - I know you said you can't remember her, but there's bound to be some parenting stuff that's stuck in there unconsciously."
//Hah,// she thought to herself, //That's not too likely. The Corps wiped every last trace memory of her. They said it was for my own protection. If it wasn't for grandma. . . // She lifted her head slightly, and smiled. "I think my grandmother would have liked you. She had lots of strange ideas." Lyta nodded to herself. "I think she would have liked you."
"If she was anything like you . . . I might have run for the hills."
"You would not! She . . . she looked like me. Almost an identical image, the old pictures of when she was my age. She liked to travel, too, as much as she could. Which wasn't much. I can remember the papers, vids of info she'd gather on cultures offworld. All sorts of Data - she had a special interest in the different angels - G'Quon, Droshalla, all the different versions of 'holy messengers'. I don't know why. She wouldn't tell me. Her influence was, I think, part of the reason I applied for alien work. I wasn't allowed out of earth-controlled space, or course, not with barely making a P5 rating, but after a while I was able to work with Aliens. Part of the reason I was granted permission to be posted to B5 in the first place, although if I could change that decision now . . . I might have. It would have saved me a lot of trouble in the long and short run. But if I hadn't . . . Boom. I saved all your collective butts more than once. I guess their lives are worth more than mine."
Zack sighed and just held her.
Lyta suddenly laughed. "Do you know what Kosh first said to me? Before the Corps found out I'd scanned him and took me back? He called me my grandmother's echo. Well, it translated as 'Gratitude, Natasha's echo'. I think he got some of my memories from the scan. Not that I learned anything from him then, but the Corps didn't believe me. If they caught me now, though . . ."
"I think I might have liked her, too." Zack commented. "Did she have the same last name as you? Or do you have your fathers?"
"My parents never met outside of the forced breeding program. Possibly never outside a petrie dish. The same with my grandparents, too, probably. We've been Alexander's for a while. They let me - us - keep the name because of how far back the lineage is. Most names are just given. But . . . I like the name you picked. Even if her initials do sound like a ship."
"Wh- oh. I guess they do. But it's still ok?"
"Didn't I just say that? Zack, this won't happen for many years, but - if she can ever comes to visit you . . . Remember her name. I might use grandma's, if need be, for a fake ID, if I can trust myself to let her out of my sight. I think she'd remember you . . . her mind is very alert."
Zack glanced down. "Isn't she sleeping right now?"
"Yes . . . but I know she's remembering everything she can while awake. Most strong teeps can, if born that way. Foggy memories, but there. It takes severe trauma, usually induced by repeated attacks by teachers at the corps during what basically amounts to brainwashing, to remove those memories. If a child has no memory of their family, it's easier to imprint to the Corps. But I was different somehow. I didn't have to go for those sessions, except the last one." She shuddered. "I never did find out why. I found out where, but that information must have been false. The only ones listed as survivors were a few soldiers, not a word about me. The trail ended there . . . oh. You don't know yet . . . when I was in my late teens, and finally got a day pass to leave the compound, I went with a friend into the city library. We were looking for records of our families. Mish found hers, left a message for her real parents. Good grades, interested in whatever, starting on a rebuilding a relationship with them. They got to be friends after a few years. And I thought her older brother was really cute, even if he was a normal. She'd been with the Corps since she was 4. First testing at school caught her DNA, they brought her in that evening. Allowed her to go home - under a Psi Cop guard - to say goodbye and pack. Nothing more. But me? I didn't find a thing. No record at all. Nothing. It was like I hadn't existed. Mish said she could remember when we first met, because she thought I was a big doll - I didn't do anything. I was in the local hospital with her. She had broken her leg in a fall from a tree, spent a few nights in the bed next to mine. That's how she remembered, from the pain. When she next saw me, it was a birthday party months later, and I was the same as any other latent, if really shy. We - " Lyta smiled at the memory, "we ended up hiding under the same table. She didn't want a boy to kiss her, I just didn't want to be around all those people. We clicked from there."
"Did you want me to try to pass a message to her? Where's Mish now?" Zack asked.
Lyta's face fell. "Michelle was on White Star 47 during the Shadow strikes on the outer Gaim mining colonies. They never made it back to Babylon 5. I was able to tell her family, after the civil war ended and the blockade was over."
"Oh."
The minute of uncomfortable silence was broken only after G'Kar asked of they were strapped down for takeoff.
"Just a minute, then we'll be ready to go." Zack said, pulling out the straps for Lyta then holding the baby while she buckled up. Em woke up and started to complain a few seconds after she was out of contact with Lyta, paying no mind to Zack's efforts to shush her, a fact that frustrated him until he found a growing damp spot on her bottom. "Well, Em, at least it's not personal," he commented to her as he gently laid her in the tiny harness and secured her for the bumpy trip into orbit. "but I don't have time to change you until we're off this little green graveyard, ok?"
"I don't think she's paying any attention, dear." Lyta deadpanned through the crying.
"Well, I had to try anyway. Maybe she can pretend she's in a wading pool?"
Emily's howl rose in pitch as the ship started to shake, then fell off abruptly as Lyta placed her hand on the baby’s cheek.
"I think we're going to really miss you, Zack. The trip back will be hard for you - Al'oriwna said she'd block the memories of the truth, using parts of what you did see as a base. She explained it, as best she could, to G'Kar and myself. She said you wouldn't be able to remember the truth yourself for months, and then only in dreams, until the block is broken. They won't be able to tell that there is a block there, some minbari technique that I can't translate or properly pronounce. If you believe the lies, then the Psi Cops must. She said it was the best way to keep us safe. But you will think we are dead. For maybe a year or more."
"She said as much to me, as well."
"I wanted to tell you, while you can remember us, that I will always care about you. That's why it hurt so much when you got mad. But I couldn't tell you the truth by that point. I wouldn't endanger Em's genetic mother. Still won't." She paused. "I wonder if they'll ever meet one day. God, I hope not. That would be a messy situation, especially she thinks I'm dead. You have to let them believe I'm dead. It will help keep her safe. Maybe even pay back some of the guilt she's passed on, even if she didn't intend to hurt me."
"The White Star is just ahead of us. You'll have to say goodbye soon." The Narn called out, not wanting to interrupt what he was sure was a tender moment between his passengers.
Zack waited for the last of the vibrations to stop, then unfastened himself. As soon as Lyta stood up he enveloped her in a hug. "Please say you'll try not to cry. I can't hold it together if you can't."
"I'll try," she promised.
He picked up Emily and hugged her also, placing a gentle kiss on her fat little cheek. "Love at first sight, sweetheart, but I have to go. Be good for your new mommy, ok?"
"I'll change her. I have to get used to it, anyway . . . does the greenish color go away soon?"
"A few days, she's just getting out the old gunk stuck in her. Then it's normal."
"Why do I have the nasty suspicion I'll have a million questions I can't answer as soon as you go?"
Zack kissed her again. "You'll be ok. Just . . . follow your instincts, and be gentle."
"Yes, sir, Chief." She gave a mock salute before taking her daughter back. He kissed them both again before he left them behind.
********
Zack felt it strange, to see Customs from this side. Not that he waited in line, anyway, because as soon as the White Star was seen on the beacons in hyperspace, even before they jumped in, C&C had all docking traffic halted to give priority clearance. He wasn't in a good mood. He could still see her, lying there in her own blood, not moving. The smell of her death still clung to him, to his jacket.
//I failed her. I couldn't even tell her about her children before she was gone. I failed her. I might as well have murdered her myself, driving her away like that.//
Zack Allan was not in a good mood. His jacket weighed heavily on his arms. Despite having cleaned it twice, he still was sure he could smell the blood. He carried it as his only physical burden, but his heart might as well have been spiked down with lead anchors, it felt so heavy. //I failed her.//
He looked up to see an anxious guard, one he knew well, but at the moment the name was not around to be remembered. Then he saw them. Scum of the universe, lying, murdering bastards. Rapers of girls, killers of innocent babies and their mothers.
The guard saw where Zack's eyes had slid to. "I'm sorry, Chief. We . . . we know why - we're sorry. The damned Psi Cops got here not even a day after you left, they've been ripping the place apart trying to find out her location. But we didn't know, and they've gotten Senate permission to scan you, whether or not you agree. B5 isn't formally Alliance property yet, the Captain couldn't keep them out. Not that any of us are cooperating, we liked her, we all did. Damned teeps never did leave her alone. They want to know where - and if . . ."
"In Heaven, Private. A place they will ~never~ see."
"Yes, sir," the guard said, getting meeker by the second, "if, if we - not them - could ask how? We cared for her, too."
"I don't want to talk about it." Zack brushed by on his way to what he was sure was a courtmartial.
"Stupid Psi Cops don't know the meaning of rest in peace," the guard commented to himself as he watched the pair of Psi Cops exit the bay a few paces behind. "She saved my life. Our lives. The universe is cruel to the kind."
~~~~
The scan was by no means pleasant. Zack had made enemies of the Corps, and they were set to pay him back.
They had already applied for permission to have him taken back to Corps headquarters for the questioning. As a member of Earthforce, he was required under law to return with them, since the matter was pertaining to a rogue telepath. Corwin had just laughed in their faces, and reminded the surprised Cops that Mr. Allan had not rejoined earthforce. He was an Interplanetary Alliance Officer, and under IA rules, there are no specific regulations on Telepaths. Psi Corps had no jurisdiction over Zack.
The Psi Cop had all but popped a blood vessel upon hearing that news. His uneasy gaze around C&C had made him realise for the first time that he could only see one earthforce uniform near him, and Lochley was already at the edge of her power. She had no jurisdiction over Mr. Allan either. The two of them were equals, Zack merely following her orders because he preferred it that way.
So they could not take him away, but they instead chose to concentrate their anger on Zack himself. Zack had no defenses, no willpower to resist, and very little sleep for the past week.
Four Psi Cops, in rotating teams of two, for hours. It hurt. They found what they wanted after a few minutes, but continued digging, replaying the scenes to see if they were false or not.
Memories . . .
Fear. sound/her scream. image/his first glimpse of her in her bunkroom. scent/blood, terror, sweat, amniotic fluid. Lyta in pain, unable to look at him. Eyes lit. Gills out. feel/the baby, too small, scream in his mind. image/eyes lit. thought/she's not breathing. feel/trying to clear the clogged airways. feel/trying to get the tiny girl breathing as the scream in his mind and the glow in her eyes fades. image/the shaking body turning blue. feel/stillness. Tears. Turn to Lyta to try to explain that he tried, he did really try. image/she doesn't move from where she's collapsed. sound/"Lyta? Oh no, Lyta don't do this to me, please talk to me, move, do anything!" image/stillness, grey color, red with blood. So much blood. Regret. Grief. feel/holding her body. feel/still warm . . . growing cold. image/her eyes are still open, they don't see him. feel/weight. Heavy as he lifts the baby from a red puddle where it fell, wraps it in his jacket before placing it back a dry place on the floor. Shelter in Alliance, of one sort. feel/weight of Lyta as he lifts her to the bed, lays her out. thought/she deserved what little dignity he has left to give her. image/baby placed beside mother's head. Anger at child for killing Lyta. Anger at martyred Byron for conceiving child. image/old/memory of memory/holding Lyta as she screamed and cried, her shirt torn and vest missing. image/sound/old/memory of memory/Lyta, refusing to betray the rogues, saying she has to protect 'them'. Regret. image/closing Lyta's eyes for her. sound/"I know you probably can't hear this, Lyta, but you can rest now. You've been through enough. You can rest now . . ." image/the blanket covering them but for their faces. image/looking at them, tears coming without restraint. image/a final tug to cover the faces. feel/the texture on the wall panel as he collapses against it in the corridor. image/G'Kar's face, seeing him say he's sorry but not hearing the words. image/stunned look on G'Kar's face when he saw the scene. scent/her blood on his hands.
The barrage continued, unconcerned for the tears streaming down Zack's face.
Memories . . .
image/building the fire. Logs. Flowers. Smaller branches. image/G'Kar lifting the wrapped body to it's place. feel/rough bark under his hand as the branches cover her, and Byron's baby. thought/I should have asked her to be called the father, the others would have believed me, she could still be alive! Grief. scent/blossoms. image/lighting the fire. image/watching it burn. image/watching it burn. image/watching it burn. scent/cooking flesh, familiar in the worst way. feel/vomiting. Acid in his mouth. image/watching it burn. Tears. image/watching it burn. sound/pop! realtime sound/youngest Cop staggers backwards and loses his lunch, horrified. thought/realizing it was the skull going. sound/G'Kar commenting on belief of soul freeing itself. image/watching the fire continue to burn. Burn, burn, ashes, the wind scatters a few but the grass around does not light. Bright cinders against the dark sky, join the stars. thought/Is she out there, now, is she free? sound/G'Kar offers food, is declined. Image: coals glowing, outstripped by sunrise, the sky goes green again. feel/rocks, smooth against his hand. Building the Cairn. Bloodcovered clothes, the red glint of stray hairs as he places in the brush, the necklace she'd been presented with great formality and praise, crystals, small packets. feel/the cool metal of the picture frame, closed, as it was placed inside. sound/his voice saying, I'm sorry, Lyta, I was going to tell you I found your boys for you, I was going to tell you they were ok. Grief, new again, old as ever, and harsh. regret/worry/no cross to bury her with. image/the prayer G'Kar wrote. image/sealing the cairn.
image/walking back to the ship, alone.
image/collapsed on the floor of the White Star, sobbing openly. Returning home, failed. sound/a minbari woman he did not know, did not want to know, shhing him in a language he did not understand or want to remember. Regret. image/seeing the Psi Cops in customs. RAGE. Powerless. Broken.
Grief.
The Psi Cops walked away.
~~~~
"It is confirmed, then. You saw it as well as we did. Fitting, I should say. No matter how she wanted to avoid them at the beginning, their brainwashing was evident by the time we came to arrest them the first time. But if Allan suspected she had been raped, why did he not press charges then? Or when they tortured her at the end of the 60 days?" One Psi Cop asked another, over tea, a few minutes later. They were in their assigned quarters, alone, three talking with ease of the horrors they witnessed, the fourth in medlab until his stomach could calm down.
"Likely was under orders by the bitch not to say anything that would demonstrate her lack of leadership abilities. Foolish of Sheridan, placing someone psi-phobic in charge of the rogues. It's a wonder more didn't die. A pity, too. We haven't been able to catch any of the ones who fled, even with a full data workup."
"How is Captain God, by the way? She claimed to regard Ms. Alexander as an ally."
"Not well at all, I've heard, once she heard the news. Not well at all."
"Good." The third man smiled pleasantly.
They all looked up at once. "Come," the second called, before the chime had even sounded.
"Ah yes, it's you. That was foolish on your part, boy. No matter if this is only your second assignment, you should never show emotion that way."
"I - I'm sorry, sir, but I have news! It wasn't a total secret. The pregnancy. The scan we made of the Llort when we first got here has been confirmed."
"The Alien who witnessed Mr. Allan's medlab tirade at Alexander? What of it. He did not understand a word, and he won't remember any of it now."
"A doctor who was within my scanning range was quite upset, emotionally. It seems she had known of the pregnancy. Administered drugs repeatedly to control morning sickness, as well. I was not able to confirm an exact date, however, Mr. Allan was the one who first contacted her to request the injections."
"Now that IS interesting . . . do you suppose he thought it was his at first?"
The first replied, "possibly . . . the guards knew - or at least found out some time ago - that they had been lovers for quite a while. Before the civil war, according to a reliable few. Not that they would admit such out loud, of course. And it was difficult to break the blocks they had been trained to wear. Alexander was efficient, to say the least."
"You didn't check Allan as to when they consummated?" The rookie asked.
"There was no need. I have no wish to watch memories from a man I am repulsed by, and there was plenty of good images from the memories of the training sessions she . . . preformed."
The others snickered lewdly at that.
"Yes . . . she was quite pretty, was she not? Until the end, of course . . . that . . . creature . . . witnessed was by no means attractive. The medical records upon her return from the vorlon homeworld did not show the gills, nor the search-memories, they would have been added afterwards. Possibly after her final departure. A master surgeon, to have such tiny scars upon the corpse. He would be useful if we find him. But it would be more important to find that cairn they made. Foolish. Her DNA will be on the shirt and in her hair if a search through the ashes finds nothing. A green sky, yellow star, no moons to speak of, and gravity approximately 4/5ths of earth. Within a 4 day range by a White Star. It will take time to find the place, but we will. Allan was wise - or perhaps foolish - enough to not look at any flight consoles during the trip. It would have made our job easier."
The other three smiled.
"Well, then. Since we know the truth, I shall bid a fond goodbye to Captain Lochley. I will stand by your decision not to mention the infant. If such news got out that the Corps failed to protect it's own in such a way, well, the boys back in PR would not like us. Good day, gentlemen, I will meet with you on the ship in an hour or so."
~~~~
Lochley looked up as she heard the door opening again. Her foul mood evaporated only slightly when she saw Zack's condition. "I thought I told you to sleep, Mr. Allan."
"I can't. The dreams were bad enough before the scan, but now I can remember every detail. I don't want to dream anymore."
"I don't know all the details myself, but enough that I don't ~want~ to know the rest. The scanning sessions were recorded. Were you aware that 3 minutes in, the youngest one staggered away and threw up?"
Zack nodded.
"His partner commented something about 'it just was her skull, get a grip'. I don't know what they ripped open after that, but I have no wish to force you to remember. Go, try to sleep. Your personal leave has not been removed. Get a sedative if you have to. No charges will be pressed, especially considering the parting comment that ugly bastard made."
"Can I ask what?"
"It's better you don't know. It wasn't your fault she died, Zack, try to remember that. I can tell that much. Go. Sleep."
He got up and left her to her thoughts. //"It was inevitable, Captain. She let herself 'associate' with the rogues, it was inevitable she'd end up like them. Quite dead, and into hell with Byron. Believe me, had she gone with us she would not have known the pain she did." I know how and why the rogues died, Mister. One of YOU walked in and provoked them. Why did you smile when you said that? I can guess. You killed her. A mortal wound then let her crawl away to die. 'With Byron' . . . did you burn her alive, too? Let her suffer for a week as punishment for Zack not backing down in front of you? If Zack chooses to tell me one day, he will. I've seen enough death to not want to see any more. A head injury, perhaps. I should have known you wanted her dead and vanished when I checked back with that 'Official' who gave us the orders to send her to earth. There was no one by her name and description there. It was a trick. I should have known. Well . . . I can keep her memory from vanishing, anyway. Let the universe know she helped. Hell, if she hadn't contacted the military teeps in earthforce, the one on my ship included, I would have died from that black spider ship trying to attack. That ‘Shadow’ Vessel. She found out how to stop them, and told us. Let the universe know. Full posthumous honors.//
********
*THE END*
The sequel might be a while in coming . . . but there is one planned! :)