As The Sea Churns
Episode Zero: “Welcome to the Disclaimer, yes, the Disclaimer . . . .”
seaQuest DSV, seaQuest 2032, and the characters therein are the property of MCA/Universal, Amblin Entertainment, and the Sci-Fi Channel. They are used without permission. No infringement is intended.
Ownership of this story belongs to the author, based on a story idea by Rachel Brody. Copyright October 1996.
Chapter One uses the lyrics to “El Scorcho”, by Weezer, from the disc Pinkerton, without permission. No infringement is intended.
I want to thank my beta readers -- Vicky, Rachel, and Karel -- for putting up with two months of reading and rereading. Without their hard work, this fiction would never have left my hard drive. ::applause::
The events herein take place after the third-season episode “Weapons of War”.
Readers, please take note: this is a parody, and should be so read. Characters will not be acting normally, and here they’ll do things they would not normally do.
Comments will be appreciated. Flames will be ignored.
***
Now, on with the show. . . .
Once there was seaQuest, the UEO’s flagship, and all was well with the world. But tragedy struck hard at her and those who served aboard her . . . steering into the face of death, destruction, and dismay.
There will never be peace . . . as the sea churns.
**end Episode Zero**
***
As The Sea Churns
Episode One: “What Shall We Do. . . .?”
Fade in to. . . .
A shot of an empty, high-quality wine bottle. The camera slowly pulls back, revealing three other wine bottles, the debris all over the room, and, finally, the drinker, draped on the bed, holding yet another wine bottle. It is. . .
O’NEILL
(hiccups)
Doan see . . . whysh not? Shesh . . . weesh . . . ush?
(hiccups and takes another slug)
Pourquoi pas? Je s’aime . . . crier de coeur.
(takes another drink)
Shoudesh teller.
He gets off the bed, staggers, and falls back onto the bed again, struggling to avoid spilling his drink.
Cut to seaQuest corridor.
O’Neill is staggering along, feeling his way through the corridors. He’s still carrying the wine bottle, and occasionally takes a slug from it. His expression is that of the incredibly determined mixed with that of the pathetically inebriated.
O’NEILL
(singing drunkenly and somewhat off-key, as he staggers and peers at
door-nameplates)
Yoush won’t talk, won’t look, won’t think o’me. Ahm da epititemy. . .
(takes a slug)
. . . Ofsh public enenemy. Whysh youse wanna go and does me like dat . . .
(stops singing, wistfully)
Wise does she does me like dat?
He arrives at Kimura’s quarters, and pounds on the door.
O’NEILL
(shouts)
Kimura!! Come out!!
(pounds on the door again, then begins to sing again)
Comesh out ands dance wis me!!
Cut to interior of Kimura’s quarters.
Not only is she there, but she’s really angry. She’s trying to ignore him.
Cut to corridor.
O’NEILL
(singing)
I’s a lot like yoush, so pleash, hello, I’s waiting.
(takes a slug)
Ohs, I think I’ds be good fer yoush, ans youds be good fer me!!
(takes another slug and weaves on his feet)
How stupidish ish it? I’s can’t talkst abouts it.
(makes shhhh gesture to bottle, as if telling it to be quiet)
I’s gots ta shing abous it!
He takes another slug.
Cut to inside Kimura’s quarters.
Kimura is on the com. She’s had enough.
Cut to corridor.
O’NEILL
(singing)
Oh, Ise a lots like youse!!
Footsteps of a few people are heard in the background.
O’NEILL
(singing)
Ands maybe yoush jest dunno whut ta do.
He starts to gesture with bottle toward Kimura’s door, but security personnel grab his arms.
O’NEILL
Andsh maysbe you’re scareded ta say “I’s fallin’ fer youse”.
Kimura’s door flies open, she leaps out, and punches O’Neill. Security personnel drag her off him. In addition to being drunk, he has bruises and small cuts along the left side of his face from temple to eye to cheekbone -- it’ll be a heck of a black eye later. O’Neill is dragged around to face Hudson, who is beyond enraged. An officer, drinking! And on the boat!
HUDSON
(cold-voiced, to O’Neill)
Well. Mister O’Neill.
(even colder)
Have you anything to say?
O’Neill looks at Hudson, peers closer, realizes who it is, and tries to stand at attention, but is listing to one side and is unaware of it.
O’NEILL
Shir!
(attempts to pretend to be sober)
Ish was tryings to reaitch Kimura . . . .
He nearly falls over sideways but is yanked up by Security.
HUDSON
(angry)
I’d say you reached her.
(speaks to the Security detail)
Take him to MedBay for a sobriety injection, then take him to the brig
until he sobers up.
(turns back to O’Neill, who by now is swaying)
Mister O’Neill. You are, as of now, confined to quarters indefinitely.
You may be facing a military court-martial if charges are brought.
(speaks to Security, disgusted)
Get him out of my sight.
O’Neill is dragged off by the Security people, his face contorting and his fists clenching in rage. He’s clearly thinking, as well as he can in his alcohol-soaked mind, that he’s had enough. Hudson must die.
Cut to exterior establishing shot of the Regency Hotel.
Cut to interior, Room 311.
Henderson is dozing in the king-size bed. Ford has just recently gotten
up -- he can be heard in the bathroom, getting ready. Henderson wakes
up, stretches, and:
HENDERSON
Jon, darling?
FORD
(V.O., calls to her)
In here, sweetheart!
HENDERSON
What are we going to do today? This is our last day of shore leave, so I
want to spend it really well. I mean, it’s not every day we have leave at
New Cape Quest.
FORD
(V.O.)
I was thinking we might go to the museum -- they have a new exhibition of
South American Art on display.
The door to the bathroom opens, and Ford walks out, dressed only from the waist down. His bath towel is draped around his neck, hanging down his chest.
FORD
(questioning, hopeful)
What do you think?
Henderson smiles. Ford walks over, and sits next to her on the bed.
HENDERSON
(grabs the ends of the towel and pulls him to her)
I can think of something I’d rather we do.
They kiss.
Camera pulls back from the shot, to encompass the kissing couple and the open bathroom door. The camera draws closer to the bathroom, and finally focuses on the bathroom mirror, which is still somewhat steamy and wet with condensation. Two figures materialize within the mirror -- Miguel Ortiz and James Brody -- and glance unhappily at each other.
**end Episode One**
***
As The Sea Churns
Episode Two: “Of Rats and Men”
Open on seaQuest corridor.
A gurney comes around the corner, pushed by two or three medtechs, accompanied by a dark-haired doctor. We can’t tell who’s on the gurney, but the attitude of the medical personnel is frantic. Camera follows the gurney into the medbay.
Cut to medbay.
Commander Ford enters, highly disturbed. A medtech approaches him, with that everything-is-going-to-be-fine-if-you’d-just-calm-down expression on her face.
FORD
I - I don’t know what happened! One minute, he was drinking some coffee,
and the next. . . .
He gestures to the E.R., where something apparently very painful is going on.
MEDTECH
(smiles)
The galley coffee isn’t that bad.
Ford gives her a look -- how can you be joking at a time like this?
MEDTECH
(sighs)
Relax, Commander. Everything’s under control.
Ford shakes his head, as if trying to clear it, and leaves. As he exits, he walks past a room where Lucas is sitting on an examination table. Lucas is clearly wondering what’s going on -- anything would be more fun than this.
Cut to exam room.
Doctor Perry walks in, holding test results of some kind. She looks troubled. Lucas doesn’t notice -- and at this point could care less.
LUCAS
(trying to be cheery)
Well, can I go now?
Perry is pulled out of her thoughts by the question, and seems to come to a decision.
PERRY
I think you should see these, Ensign.
Lucas’ interest is piqued, and he takes the paper from her outstretched hand. After reading it quickly, he waves it in her direction.
LUCAS
So?
PERRY
(sighs)
You don’t understand --
Lucas rolls his eyes, chuckling of-course-not-I’m-not-a-medical-doctor.
PERRY
(somewhat aggravated by Lucas’ antics)
The tests I gave you were very specific. We needed to determine whether
you carry the gene for acute hyperkynimylenitis, which killed your cousin
last week.
Lucas mutters something about not really caring about any disorder that killed any cousin.
PERRY
(who overheard)
It’s a very specific disorder.
LUCAS
(muttering)
I bet.
PERRY
(who has decided to overlook his attitude)
At any rate, I examined a full sample of your DNA.
(she glances at Lucas, who is uninterested)
And I made a very disturbing discovery.
Lucas glances up at her, his sudden concern evident and equal to hers.
Cut to O’Neill’s quarters.
O’Neill is pacing, upset, and frustrated. He’s also suffering from the mother of all hangovers.
O’NEILL
(to himself)
I can’t believe this. After all the trouble I went to getting that stuff
-- avoiding Dag is no easy task. Why hasn’t there been an announcement
by now?
The com bleeps at him, and he answers it, wincing.
PICCOLO
(shouting through com)
Hey!
O’NEILL
(pressing his hands to his head and counting to ten)
Quietly, Tony, okay?
We can practically hear Piccolo grinning through the com.
PICCOLO
(over com)
Okay, okay. Have you heard? About the captain?
O’Neill straightens up, excited and expectant.
O’NEILL
(trying to restrain himself)
No, I haven’t.
(frustrated)
I’m restricted to quarters, Tony, not wandering around picking up gossip.
PICCOLO
(over com)
Well, somebody poisoned his coffee this morning. But, whoever it was, they
botched it.
O’Neill chokes slightly, but Piccolo doesn’t notice and continues.
PICCOLO
(over com)
He’ll be let outa MedBay in a couple hours, as good as new. Guess the
poisoner flunked outa killer school.
O’NEILL
(weakly)
Yeah, I guess so. Later, Tony.
(he shuts down the com, looking disgusted)
That captain has got to have something in his past
(paging through papers on his desk)
That I could exploit against him. There’s got to be. . .
(a thought occurs to him, and a smile spreads across his face)
Of course.
He crosses to the vidlink, and prepares to make a call.
O’NEILL
(grinning nastily)
Captain Hudson, your days are numbered. . . .
Cut to Hudson’s office.
Hudson is seated at his desk, doing paperwork. By the chronometer nearby, we see that it’s several hours later and he’s obviously recovered. A cup of coffee sits to one side. There’s a knock at the door.
HUDSON
(looks up, relieved but still aggravated at the interruption)
Come in.
The door opens, and a very annoyed Dagwood walks in.
DAGWOOD
Dagwood wants shore leave.
Hudson raises an eyebrow.
DAGWOOD
Dagwood wants to go to Perseid.
Hudson sighs, oh-not-this-again-please. He starts to take a sip of coffee, then looks at it distastefully and puts it down, pushing it away.
HUDSON
Dagwood, you should already know the answer to that request.
(he looks sternly at Dagwood)
You can’t go.
DAGWOOD
Why not?
HUDSON
(as if explaining to a small child)
Because that isn’t how the military works. The next time shore leave is
offered you may go to Perseid.
DAGWOOD
(unhappily)
Oh.
HUDSON
(turning back to his paperwork)
Dismissed.
Dagwood exits.
Cut to corridor.
Dagwood is not happy.
DAGWOOD
Fine. Dagwood will get shore leave offered. Dagwood will go see
military. Dagwood will go somewhere else.
**end Episode Two**
***
As The Sea Churns
Episode Three: “Time of Your Life”
Open on Engineering.
Henderson is busily trying to repair a piece of machinery. Her little chisel-like tool is digging grit and crud out of its crevices. The camera opens up the scene to show Ortiz sitting next to her, watching quietly.
About a minute later, Henderson gets frustrated and starts digging through her tool-belt, looking for a better attack. Brody materializes behind them, sees Ortiz, and sighs.
BRODY
I thought I’d find you here.
ORTIZ
(still watching Henderson)
Mm-hmm.
BRODY
(asking but knowing the answer already)
You’re still carrying a torch for her, aren’t you?
ORTIZ
Sure. I just worry about her, that’s all.
Brody just looks at him, like sure-fine-whatever.
ORTIZ
I do.
(gestures at Brody angrily)
And so should you. I mean, Ford, of all people! Who could have expected
that?
Brody steps closer, and places his hand on Ortiz’s shoulder. Ortiz looks up at him, with tears forming in his eyes.
BRODY
We should’ve.
ORTIZ
(sadly)
I know, but. . . .
Flashback drizzle effect.
We are back on Hyperion in the fateful corridor. Bridger is shouting into his com, trying to reach the seaQuest. The others are yelling, wailing, and firing on the advancing KrayTax. All is as it was before.
The scene shifts to focus on Ortiz, firing madly and nursing a wound in his left shoulder.
ORTIZ
(V.O.)
I was firing, but I couldn’t seem to hit anything. It was like they simply
weren’t there when the discharge hit . . .
The pistol click-clicks, and he hurriedly dodges behind the scarce cover to check it. It’s gone dry. Muttering oaths, he pulls out another energy cartridge . . .
ORTIZ
(V.O.)
And then I ran out of charge, so I grabbed another. It was the last one I
had . . .
We can hear Bridger talking to Lucas in the background. Ortiz shoves the cartridge into its slot, aims, and fires . . .
ORTIZ
(V.O.)
But the cartidge had been rigged . . .
The energy pistol explodes, throwing Ortiz backwards.
Scene fades to white, and a flashback drizzle-fades us to the present. Brody is now sitting on Henderson’s other side. Henderson is obliviously working on the stubborn piece of machinery with a screwdriver.
BRODY
(expecting Ortiz to continue)
And . . . ?
ORTIZ
(sighing)
I mean, Ford had given me the pistol and the cartridges. He’d said he’d
get them while I ran sensor checks on the mother ship for weaponry.
(shrugs)
It had to have been him.
BRODY
(somewhat amazed)
And you didn’t think it was strange? The second-in-command of the boat
getting your weapon for you?
Henderson walks over to a part of the Engineering control panel, and begins replacing the piece of machinery.
ORTIZ
(quietly)
No. I thought he just wanted to protect us.
Ortiz looks over at Henderson, sadness all over his face.
ORTIZ
(continuing)
Turns out he just wanted to protect her.
**end Episode Three**
***
As The Sea Churns
Episode Four: “Plots, Plans, and Prayers”
Open on launch bay.
Dagwood is entering one of the Stingers, and we see him struggling with the controls. His expression is like I’ve-seen-Lucas-do-this.
Cut to exterior seaQuest.
The Stinger leaves the bay, shakily, and then starts away at high speed.
Cut to Bridge.
A noncom is staring at his sensor board with an I-can’t-believe-this look on his face. He fidgets.
RAWLINGS
(hesitantly)
Sir?
Ford looks up from his station. He’s been busy checking a SEAPOC. Getting up, he strides to Rawling’s console.
FORD
Yes, Mister Rawlings?
RAWLINGS
(even more hesitantly)
A Stinger just launched. What are your orders?
(a little bolder)
Should I track it?
Ford is shocked momentarily, but recovers.
FORD
(quickly)
Yes, track it. Get me a --
RAWLINGS
(looking at his board)
Too late. It’s gone, Sir.
FORD
(shocked again)
What do you mean, gone?
Rawlings shrugs -- an it’s-not-my-fault expression.
RAWLINGS
I didn’t know, Sir. It just . . . disappeared.
FORD
(thoughtfully)
Can you track it by sonar -- from the sound it makes by moving through the
water?
Rawlings busies himself at his console for a few minutes of muttering and different screens.
RAWLINGS
All I can tell you is that the Stinger’s heading for the mainland, UEO
territory, at a dangerously high speed.
Off Ford’s expression. . .
Cut to O’Neill’s quarters.
O’Neill is at the vidlink. He’s upset.
O’NEILL
What do you mean, “no”?
(gestures wildly)
How can you possibly say “no”?
Camera pulls back and to the side so we can see he’s talking to Elaine Morse.
MORSE
Like this.
(slowly, exaggeratedly)
Nnnnnnnnnnooooooo.
O’Neill is not amused.
O’NEILL
Not funny.
(shakes his head)
I asked you to help me because I know you hold a grudge.
(he visibly calms)
Please help.
Morse sighs. She’s at the end of her rope with O’Neill.
MORSE
Alright. I’ll give you an idea. But --
(looks fiercely at O’Neill)
-- That’s it. You get caught, it’s your problem.
O’Neill weighs this quietly for a moment, then nods.
O’NEILL
Fine.
He bends forward to listen.
Cut to exterior of Deon International.
Scene widens to show Dagwood standing there, looking up at the building. He sets himself and walks through the front door.
Cut to interior of Deon’s office.
Larry Deon is working through a proposal, but he isn’t very interested in it. Voices can be heard faintly.
SECRETARY
(V.O.)
You can’t go in --
The door bursts open, and Dagwood strides in, followed by a frantic secretary.
SECRETARY
Sir, I --
Deon sees who it is and impatiently waves her away. Flustered, she runs out and shuts the door behind her. Deon gestures his guest to a seat, but he’s wondering what the hell’s going on. Dagwood sits.
DAGWOOD
Need help. You can help Dagwood.
DEON
(startled but recovers nicely)
Yes, I can help you.
(smiles)
What do you need?
Dagwood thinks for a moment.
DAGWOOD
Mmmm. Dagwood needs to leave military.
Deon’s startled; he wasn’t expecting that. But an idea comes to him.
DEON
I can help Dagwood. I can tell you what to do and how to do it.
(raises an eyebrow at Dagwood, questioningly)
Can Dagwood help me?
DAGWOOD
Yes, Dagwood can help.
Deon smiles, weasel-like.
DEON
(still smiling)
Here’s what you should do . . . .
**end Episode Four**
***
As The Sea Churns
Episode 5: “Family Tree”
Open on Lucas’ quarters in Mammal Engineering.
He’s sitting on his bunk, dazed and confused from Doctor Perry’s news. He simply is so shocked that he can’t even think in a straight line.
LUCAS
How can I possibly have been adopted?
He hops off the bunk, now frustrated and angry, and starts pacing, trying to sort out the frazzled thoughts racing around in his head.
LUCAS
(frustration and shock in his voice)
Doctor Perry said that it looked like I had been adopted. None of my DNA
matched any of that idiot cousin’s of mine. And none of my DNA matched my
mom’s or my dad’s.
(thoughtful)
Their records are on file --
An expression pops onto his face -- Eureka!!
LUCAS
(into com)
Doctor Perry?
PERRY
(over com)
Yes, Lucas?
LUCAS
I have a question to ask you.
He breaks off, hesitating, wondering whether or not he should just shut up.
PERRY
(over com)
(sensing his hesitation, encouragingly)
Go ahead, Lucas.
LUCAS
(slowly, trying to gather his thoughts as he speaks)
You said that you’d checked my par -- I mean, my adoptive parents’ records.
How did you go about that?
We hear Perry sigh over the com. She’s apparently been expecting this question, or the one Lucas is leading up to asking.
PERRY
(over com)
Your adoptive father is presumed deceased, so I was able to request his
records from his physician.
(beat)
I asked for and recieved permission from your adoptive mother to do the
same.
Lucas has listened to this quietly, his eyes brightening with hope.
LUCAS
(trying to be reasonable)
Then why can’t you run a check of UEO records for matches?
Soft laughter from the com. Lucas is visibly annoyed; this is not funny!!
PERRY
(over com, wryly)
Because that would be illegal.
LUCAS
(upset)
But --
PERRY
(over com, firmly)
Lucas.
(beat)
I cannot just run indiscriminate DNA searches. The amount of time and
computer work it would use would be enormous, and it might be considered
something of a privacy issue.
Lucas looks crestfallen.
PERRY
(over com)
But, if you can find some sort of tangible proof, some sort of evidence
that a specific person or persons might be your parents, then I can request
permission. But I need something to give them.
Lucas looks hopeful again.
LUCAS
Okay.
They sign off. Lucas goes back to his pacing and fuming. A few moments later, he stops abruptly and looks at the computer.
The scene shifts to show the computer awash in a halo of light -- one can almost hear the singing of angels.
The scene shifts back to Lucas. He leaps to the computer, switches it on, and starts biting his nails, waiting anxiously for it to boot up.
LUCAS
(anxious, hopeful)
Okay, Needle, let’s go find that haystack.
**end Episode Five**
***
As The Sea Churns
Episode 6: “Contact”
Open on Bridge.
Ensign Rawlings is once again at the sensor console. He sees something
on his readout, and says:
RAWLINGS
Commander?
Ford perks up from his seat. He’s been brooding.
RAWLINGS
I’m picking up a Stinger, Sir. The same one that vanished.
(beat)
Coming right toward us.
FORD
(a little wearily)
You’re sure?
RAWLINGS
(checking his boards)
Yes, Sir. Slowing to dock --
(beat)
-- Now.
(under his breath)
At least it wasn’t gone for a decade.
Ford whirls around to face the nearest security person -- he decided to ignore Rawlings’ comment for now.
FORD
(briskly)
I want a detail to grab the driver of that Stinger and I want him held.
The security person salutes and runs off, shouting into his com.
FORD
(softly, knowingly)
And whoever it is had better have a good reason.
Cut to brig.
Dagwood is in a cell, upset and worried. Ford enters and stares at Dagwood -- he simply can’t believe what he’s seeing.
FORD
(trying to find sense and reason)
Dagwood, I thought we understood each other. If you’re in the military,
you just can’t leave anytime you want to.
DAGWOOD
Dagwood went to see Secretary General.
(beat)
To talk about military.
Ford is somewhat startled, but recovers nicely.
FORD
What did the Secretary General say?
Dagwood blushes a little, embarrassed.
DAGWOOD
(ashamedly)
Did not get to see him. I was not allowed.
Ford nods slowly -- he thinks he’s starting to see the problem here.
FORD
(firmly)
We’ll talk about it later. And about your stealing the Stinger.
(beat)
You’re dismissed.
Ford punches the control on the cell, releasing Dagwood, who steps out gingerly. He’s very happy to get out of that cell. Ford gives Dagwood a sideways look as they walk toward the door.
FORD
By the way, just how did you make the Stinger disappear?
Dagwood just gives him an I’ll-never-tell smile.
Cut to O’Neill’s quarters.
O’Neill is sitting at his desk, hunched over a small canister. On the desk, around him, are multicolored wires, small bottles of chemicals and powders, and parts of a dismembered chronometer.
O’NEILL
(muttering)
This is definitely going to work.
(he scoops some of the powders and chemicals in some arcane sequence
into the small canister)
This is absolutely going to work.
(he wires the pieces of the chronometer together and into the chemical
mixture, laughing softly as he does so)
There is no way. Hudson is dead this time.
He gets up from the desk, grips the canister, and stands in the center of the room with this horrifying smile on his face.
O’NEILL
(relishing the thought)
Rest in pieces, Captain.
He leaves the room.
Cut to Hudson’s office.
Hudson and Ford are both sitting there, with cups of coffee next to them. Paperwork litters the desk, and is scattered between them. They’ve been discussing the goings-on of the past several days.
HUDSON
So, what have you decided about Dagwood?
Hudson looks at his full coffee cup wistfully -- he still isn’t sure about drinking it. Ford catches the look, and coughs down a laugh.
FORD
(still trying to restrain himself)
Actually, I was going to discuss that with him later.
(pointedly)
You know as well as I do what the problem is.
HUDSON
(so what attitude)
Of course I do, but that doesn’t mean he gets any special treatment.
(looks pointedly at Ford, daring him to disagree)
He still stole a Stinger. He deserves to be punished.
FORD
I’m not convinced he really understood what he was doing. I’m
investigating the incident, and it’ll be handled.
Ford sips at his drink, while Hudson pushes his away, disgusted.
HUDSON
(firmly, changing-the-subject)
The lab finished the workup on the coffee.
(beat)
They found rat poison in it.
FORD
(shocked but amused -- it’s laughable)
Rat poison? Are you serious?
Hudson is not amused and gives Ford a shut-up-or-else look.
HUDSON
(annoyed)
Very serious, Commander.
(sternly)
Very serious. And Dagwood just happens to have easy access to it.
Ford can’t believe what he’s just heard.
FORD
(shocked)
Captain, you can’t be suggesting that Dagwood tried to kill you. Henderson
told me that Dagwood refused to kill a cockroach he’d found.
(firmly)
I don’t believe it.
HUDSON
(just as firmly)
Wasn’t there an arrest and conviction for murder? He’s capable.
FORD
(still amazed)
That conviction was overturned within a few days of being handed down.
Dagwood was proved innocent, and the real murderer was found. He’s
innocent of this, too.
HUDSON
(not convinced)
We’ll see, Commander. We’ll see.
Cut to Engineering.
It’s the same area of Engineering Henderson was working in previously. Dagwood enters and crosses furtively to the same panel Henderson has used. He removes a small canister from a pocket of his uniform, and places it deep inside so it won’t be found. He closes the panel, smiles, and leaves.
**end Episode Six**
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