The Top 9 Sexual Jokes (of all time!) ????

Fresh out of Australia.....

----- Number nine

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he

turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside

him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite

startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft

as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is

as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

----- Number eight

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the

bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young

man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense,

sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."

-----Number seven

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a

gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading

a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,

"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies

that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have

the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.

----- Number six

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife

on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:

"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want

to stay fresh."The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few

minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he

whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

----- Number five

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number

of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a

terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle

slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk

about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to

overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came

home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously

wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you

how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I

got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

--- Number four

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for

several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of

just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out

and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should

try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes

in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife also.

The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he

will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to

be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later,

white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks

what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."

--- Number three

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the

alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make

you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals

inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then

pen his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for

witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd

murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his

trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator

closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a

beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The

gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as

promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was

delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay

anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman

timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the

head with the beer bottle".

---- Number two

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude

standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and

says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound

right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks

up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and

asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me

but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350

pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is

Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said turn

around."

---- Number one

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the

breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just

think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "just

think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table

together." "I know," the old man said, "we were probably sitting here

naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "what do

you say... should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff

and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady

breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were

fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in

your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!