Lake of Stars (1/1)
Date: 26 Sep 1995

My fingers and toes are all crossed, now if I just hit this button right. . .
Standard Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Mulder,
Scully, Albert and the whole concept of the X Files belongs to Ten
Thirteen Productions.
International Warning: (for all those people who don't get to see
the premiere until God knows when) This is based on the Third
Season Premiere and will reveal some of the plot.
Rated G, no sex, no violence, no romance between Mulder and
Scully beyond what you see in the show and no bad words. Just a
little conversation which compares near death experiences.

LAKE OF STARS
by Vickie Moseley

"Are you cold?" The question broke the silence that had
enveloped them in the darkness. They had been sitting in the car
for over three hours, and all distractions had finally been put aside
so that only their own thoughts remained. Scully looked at him.

"No, I'm fine, Mulder," she sighed. It was such a pat answer,
she said it so often. It usually meant so much more. The truly
amazing thing was that he could always interpret it, find the true
meaning behind the words.

He reached over and turned on the heater. She might say she
wasn't cold, but he had seen her shiver. The question had been
more of degree than of validity. She was cold, he just didn't know
_how_ cold. Now, he knew. He looked over to see her smile at
him.

"What? Too much?" he asked. She shook her head and looked
back out the window. It was a beautiful night, clear and cold.
October in Montana. The ride out to the ranch they were watching
had been breathtaking, the cottonwoods looking like gold against
the autumn sunset. Now, it was truly night, the moon was high in
the sky, and off to the north, the stars looked like a tapestry of
diamonds on black velvet. She sighed deeply, feeling totally
relaxed.

"Aren't they fabulous?" she asked, so quietly that he had to think
a moment before he realized she had said anything at all.

"What?" he asked, having been deep in his own thoughts and
not really noticing his surroundings.

"The stars, Mulder! The stars! Have you ever seen anything
like it? It's just cold enough to make them twinkle. I don't recall
ever seeing them so clearly," she murmured, not taking her eyes off
the view for one minute. "Do you?"

He was quiet for a while, not really knowing what to say. He
had been thinking about it all night, and now that she was talking
about the stars, it seemed as good a start as any.

"Scully, do you remember being in the coma?" he asked. "I
know you don't remember your abduction, that's not what I'm
asking. Do you remember being in the coma at the hospital?"

She tore her gaze from the stars above her and regarded her
partner. "Mulder, why do you ask?" She knew this was a topic
they had avoided for the better part of a year. It was odd that he
would bring it up tonight, out of the blue, with no warning.
Something was bothering him.

"You asked me if I've ever seen the stars look like this before,"
he said quietly, shifting in his seat, a brief flash of anxiety on his
face which was quickly replaced by a more contemplative
expression. "I have. Twice." He grew quiet again, but she knew
he was simply trying to sort out his thoughts, make his feelings
form into words. She shifted so she could see him more clearly, but
didn't say anything.

"When I got out of the boxcar, I had to crawl through all these
crevices and caves. It was pitch black, no light. There were times
when I felt that without the light, there was no air, either. I know I
was having trouble breathing because of the fumes I had inhaled
from the fire. But it was so frightening, not being able to breath,
not being able to see, not knowing if I was even headed in the right
direction to get above ground." He stopped for a moment and
clenched his eyes shut at the memory. When he opened them, he
looked out the window, up at the stars.

"Finally, I felt a breeze. I was so tired, Scully. So tired. I had
no thought other than finding the surface. I felt that I didn't want to
die underground, you know. I knew I was going to die, would die
fairly soon, at that point. But I wanted to die out in the open, not
in that crack of rock I was wedged in." He was so intent on his
words that he didn't notice her. He didn't see the look of
sympathetic pain cross her eyes, or the way she bit her lip to keep
the tears at bay.

"I pulled myself up and finally was just a few feet from the
mouth of the crevice. There were rocks in my way, they weren't
that big, but I didn't have the strength to move them. But I could
see around them. I could see the sky." He waved his hand toward
the windshield. "The sky looked like that."

Scully sat there and was totally silent for a moment. Then, ever
so slowly, she reached over and gently squeezed his arm. "You
wanted to know what I remembered about the coma, when I was in
the hospital," she finally said. He broke his communion with the
stars to look at her and nod.

"I don't remember being able to hear you," she continued. "But
I do remember seeing you. I was floating, like I was on a boat, in a
lake, far away from the shore. There was a rope, it was old and
wet and it was the only thing holding me to the dock. I was just
sitting there, and when I looked at the shore I could see you. You
looked so scared, Mulder. But it was like I was watching you on
tape or something. I couldn't talk to you, didn't even try. Once, I
saw Melissa standing next to you. Then my mom. Then Nurse
Owens. I could see you all, but I couldn't hear you or talk to you."
Now it was her turn to stare out the window, not noticing the
shudders Mulder was trying so desperately to control.

"No one spoke to you?" he asked after a time.

"My dad. I wasn't on the lake with him. I was on a table. I was
asleep, but I could hear every word he said. He told me that I
wasn't ready to come with him. He talked about life, how short it
is, how time passes so quickly. He said we would be together some
time, but not then, not that time. Then he left." She chewed
absently on her lip. Funny, how talking about her own death didn't
bother her nearly as much as hearing Mulder talk about his. "The
next time I was in the boat, the rope snapped and I knew I could
never reach the shore. It was time to leave."

He took a ragged breath. "That was when they turned off the
respirator," he whispered.

"But, sometime later, I remember knowing you were right
beside me. You were there, so close. I couldn't see you, but I
could hear you. Mulder, you told me that you didn't think I wanted
to go. You talked about having strength in my own beliefs. I held
onto that thought. I followed it like a beacon." She looked at him
and smiled sardonically. "I mean, if you _and_ my dad thought I
should go on with my life, well, who was I to argue?" Her humor
broke the tension that had settled like a blanket on the car. But
only for a little while.

"I remember when I was on the Blessing Way," he said quietly.
"That's what Albert called it. It was a healing ritual. Albert doesn't
hold as much stock in the medical science as you do, Scully," he
said, the old teasing Mulder making a brief appearance for the first
time that night. "I wasn't conscious of my actual surroundings. I
wasn't in pain, I wasn't tired or thirsty or hungry. I felt nothing.
Nothing at all. I was floating, too. But on a pallet. And I wasn't
anywhere near water. I was up there, in the stars. If I could have
raised my head to look around, I would have seen stars all around
me, above me, below me, on all sides. But I couldn't move. I
wasn't paralyzed, it wasn't some outside force. It was me, I didn't
have the strength to move. All I could do was lay there, in some
sort of sleep, but I was aware of what was around me in the star
field." Now that the topic of conversation had switched to his own
experience, he was more comfortable. He wasn't as afraid of his
own death as he was of losing Scully.

"Were you. . .were you alone," she asked hoarsely. That one
thought, that he might have died all alone, had haunted her more
than any other until he had come to her in a dream and told her he
was alive.

"No. No, there were a lot of people there, but I couldn't see
their faces. They were standing around me, like they were there to
support me, help me. I saw Deep Throat, Scully. He was there.
He called me 'old friend' and talked to me like he had always talked.
He told me to continue with my search, but I think he would have
understood if I had decided not to. And. . ." he stopped for a
moment as his voice choked. "and my dad was there. He said he
hadn't expected to see me so soon. He told me I had the memories,
that if I died the memories would die to. He told me it wasn't my
time to be with him." He looked over at her again. "Must have
been talking to your dad at some point," he said, smiling, but the
smile soon faded and he was gazing up at the stars again. "He also
told me the Samantha was not there, that she wasn't dead."

"I don't remember deciding to return. It was almost as if the
desire just appeared within me. And then I was aware that I was
lying on a pallet, in a hogan. I felt the pain in my chest. I was
thirsty, so thirsty. I was sick for a couple of more days. But I was
never back in the star field. I was always in the hogan, slowly
gaining strength, slowly feeling better. When it was time for the
ritual bath, I was just strong enough to walk a few steps and sit. It
was night and the moon was full. I looked up once, but I really
couldn't focus well enough to see the stars. I'm pretty sure my
fever broke that night, because I don't remember ever falling asleep.
I just remember waking up and feeling like it was time to come
home." He looked down and realized that he was holding her hand.

"So, I guess we are exceptions to the rule, huh, Scully?" he
asked, his eyes now dancing with merriment.

She looked at him and his amusement was contagious, but she
had no idea why she felt so good. "What do you mean 'exceptions',
Mulder? Exceptions to what?"

"Well, neither of us saw a tunnel, or a light at the end of it," he
pointed out.

"Of course not, Mulder. That's not death, that's Mr. Toad's
Wild Ride," she teased, and was thrilled to see him laugh for the
first time in the evening.

When the joke faded, he looked at her with deep appreciation.
"Thank you, Scully. You're the only person I could ever talk to
about this, you know?"

She gave his hand a squeeze and finally released it. "I know,
Mulder. I know exactly what you mean."

The end.

NEW ADDRESS vmoseley@mail.fgi.net as of 9/26/95