In the beginning there was Goodüber. And He was good. Yes, Goodüber was a he, just deal with it. Goodüber’s first plan was to create a void. So He did. And He saw that it was good.

Voids are good places to put things. Which is good, because He soon tired of the void. Voids have a low entertainment value. So then He created movement. Then the movements moved. And being very stupid, they crashed and smashed and bashed into each other in a tumultuous cacophony of symphonic tempest resulting in the untimely bringing about of matter.

Matter, being very loose, as morals had yet to have been created, gave birth to Form out of wedlock. Form then got together with movement, and things got really out of control. Goodüber realized that having globules of mass randomly cavorting with movement simply would not do, so He brought forth Order and Time, which applied to all of His creations, but not to him.

Goodüber then wished for the first remote control, and it was so. He hit pause. Being the supreme being and all, He could do that. Unpausing His creations with the remote, He watched them stumble about confused. And then He hit stop, in order to continue His divine creating without worrying about His creations’ activities.

He gathered up the mass and formed it into a ball. Compelled by a deep urge to blow something up, He used his divine powers to place an explosive force inside the mass. Once that was done He expanded Order to fill the void. Upon filling the void Goodüber hit play. Such a capacious blast of monumentous magnitude was generated that the sphere of mass was torn asunder into a googolplex of morsels of varying forms, compositions, contents, and sizes.

That is right, there is a religious explanation for the Big Bang. Mass was flung about the void. Large clumps of mass, ignited by the explosion, became stars. Order quickly arranged the mass into groups as best it could. Order also kept track of all the bits and pieces of mass, to assure they were all traveling the way and the direction they were supposed to. Time, being very temperamental, simply made sure all of the explosion didn’t happen at once.

Being very clever, as only a supreme being could be, Goodüber brought forth all the ingrediants necessary to get a good start: chemistry, Evolution, and everything else that belongs in a “Start Your Own Universe” package. When Goodüber wasn't giving Time specific instructions, it pretty much did as it wanted. To Time, life was a toy more breath-takingly sensational than catnip to a cat. Sentient life was eagerly awaited by Time, like a child waiting for Christmas. The original trickster, Time rushed forward in a flurry of impatient haste to get to a period where there existed a creature whose sole purpose was, in Time’s opinion, to realize that Time had cheated the unfortunate creature during the few moments it wasn’t paying attention. Goodüber put a stop to this, but promised Time that such beings would evolve soon enough.

To make the wait more appealing to those who cared, Goodüber created angels and demons. Goodüber kept the angels and placed the demons all on Earth, who was still trying to figure out what to do with all its life.

Earth decided to make a few simple sea creatures and some bacteria and let Evolution take it from there. Sea creatures are boring and the demons had hidden below the crust, so Goodüber let Time skip forward to the dinosaurs.

When it became clear the dinosaurs would never develop into something corruptible a wave of demons came out of hiding. They hunted down and slaughtered as many of the dinosaurs as their talon-like claws would let them before the angels could come down from the heavens. The few remaining dinosaurs eventually died out, but life was not lost.

Mammals slowly came to fill the void left by the dinosaurs. Man evolved, and Time was happy. As Man hunted, Time watched Man age. Goodüber thought Time was sort of malicious, but decided it wasn’t worth worrying about. A few demons disguised as men and women taught the humans to kill for pleasure. The demons found Man so easily corruptible that they stayed, and lived as men and women. They organized Man into tribes, and lead them into wars against each other. Goodüber thought they were all pretty dumb, and pointed out what was going on to the angels. By this time Man had become so much like demon and demon so like Man that the angels could not tell them apart.

Goodüber no longer told the angels that they had “a keen eye for the obvious.”

The angels began to send down angels to appear to the men and women of the world in dreams and visions, hoping to build a resistance to fight the evil power slowly enveloping the world in hate, and thus a cycle began that exists to this day.

I believe in the Goodüberian story of creation. There is no scientific evidence that the Goodüberians’ origin myth is incorrect. In fact, the ever-popular Big Bang theory supports our explanation of the origin of the universe. The beliefs the First United Seventh Day Goodüberian Church of Latter Day Scientists are often synonymous with the beliefs of more widely excepted churches. We believe in demons, angels, and a supreme being. Our church also sits well with many members of the scientific community, because we know the Big Bang theory to be true, and only we really know why the dinosaurs died off. For all these reasons, and a deep spiritual instinct that tells me I’m right, I believe the Goodüberian story of creation.

I first learned of the First United Seventh Day Goodüberian Church of Latter Day Scientists from a friend of mine named Adam. After being in Belgium for a year, Adam returned and explained to me the origins of the Universe according to Goodüberian beliefs. After I learned all that I could from Adam about Goodüberianism, the world made so much more sense to me. The answers to questions about the world came forth from the vaporous depths of my mind and became clearer than the finest crystal. I have now been with the Goodüberians for only a short time, but I have grown much in that time. I have gained the insight and sensitivity to fully understand why my girlfriend left me, and I have found an inner peace that rivals that of a Buddhist monk. I will always remember the day that my dear friend Adam introduced me to the First United Seventh Day Goodüberian Church of Latter Day Scientists.