YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING TOO MUCH STAR TREK WHEN... 10. You start referring to your mother as " You Klingon bastard ". 9. You start spending all day in the bathroom on the captain's chair. 8. Your cats start to grow pointed ears . 7. You notice that Sam Donaldson has an uncanny resemblence to Mr. Spock. 6. You find Leonard Nimoy's poetry very emotionally moving . 5. You spend your off hours concocting these stupid little top 10 lists. 4. Every time you sneeze you cloak the ship . 3. William Shatner wins an Academy award for best actor . 2. You begin telling people you have a Phaser in your pants . 1. You find out that Klingons taste just like chicken . Top Ten Signs You're at a bad Star Trek Convention (10) It's being held in the parking lot of a 7-eleven. (9) When you count the fake Spock ears in the room, you come up with an odd number. (8) Ben & Jerry's unveils a wierd-tasting new flavor called "Roddenberry." (7) Dorks with "Moe" haircuts keep wandering in from the Three Stooges convention down the hall. (6) So-called starship Enterprise looks a lot like a RV wrapped in paper-mache. (5) By the time you've already gotten there, they've already ran out of "Spockwitches" (4) The keynot speaker is William Shatner's hairpiece. (3) The hookers all look like Klingons. (2) You keep running into a guy with no pants who wants to show you his "phaser". (1) Someone yells, "Beam me up, Skippy!" >:::The following added 1995/04/03 16:53 by JCORMIER >:: Lt. Cmdr. Raphael Santayana Chief Engineer, USS Odyssey The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek: --------------------------------------------------- 10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7. 9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a trible. 8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise. 7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information. 6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale. 5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk. 4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?" 3) You have no life. 2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list. 1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan. TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE ------------------------------------------------ 10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!" 9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it" 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!" 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!" 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!" 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical." 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?" 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?" 2. "We brake for cubes!" 1. "Wesley On Board!" Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship: --------------------------------- "Blonde Borgs have the same fun." TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETACHED HEAD ------------------------------------ 20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk 19. The ball in Parisis' Squares 18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft 17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet 16. Scare blind students in Braille class 15. Prop open doors for maintenance crews 14. Lawn decoration in Arboretum 13. Footstool for Captain's chair 12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show 11. Scare Alexander into doing chores 10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift 9. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank 8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research 7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards 6. Two words: tether ball 5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking 4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet 3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class 2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime and the number one use for Data's detached head... 1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE: ------------------------------------------------------- 1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation 2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium. 3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first 4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer 5. Have figured out the stardate system 6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra 7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol 8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams 9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory" 10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes 11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface 12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments 13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint 14. Understanding Klingon 15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work 16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it 17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics 18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP 19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges 20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy ---------------------------------------------------------------- 10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!" 9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft 8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge 7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead 6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms 5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there 4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver" 3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?" 2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so" 1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise: --------------------------------------------------------- 9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft 8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data 7. Giving Worf A nuggie 6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!) 5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals 4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression 2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can 1. Tribble sex! These were taken from the "Official Klingon Joke Book". Q> How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb? A> None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark. Q'> What do they do with the dead bulb? A'> Execute it for failure. Q"> What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb? A"> Execute him for cowardice. ================================================================================ >:::The following added 1995/05/27 02:55 by JCORMIER >:: Kato Cormier Houseguest >TOP TEN _STAR TREK_ LINES (VOLUME 1) > >10. "Emotions are alien to me. I am a scientist." --Spock > >9. "Military secrets are the most fleeting of all." --Spock > >8. "Fate protects fools, little children, and ships named Enterprise." --Riker > >7. "What IS it with you, anyway?" --McCoy (to Kirk, after the latter has > managed to land a woman even on the penal asteroid of Rura Penthe) > >6. "If winning isn't important, Commander, then why keep score?" --Worf > >5. "You may now give birth." --Worf, to Keiko O'Brien in Ten-Forward > >4. Adm. McCoy: "I don't see any points on them ears, boy, but you sound like > a Vulcan." > Data: "I am an android." > Adm. McCoy: "Almost as bad." > >3. Adm. McCoy: "She's a good ship, and she's got the right name. You remember > that, y'hear?" > Data: "I will, sir." > Adm. McCoy: "You treat her like a lady, and she'll always bring you home." > >2. Kirk: "Excuse me...what does God need with a starship?" > >1. Worf [advising Wesley about dating]: "I suppose you're just going to go > begging outside her door, like a human." > Wesley: "Well, what do Klingon men do? Roar?" > Worf: "The men do not roar. The women roar. And then they hurl heavy > objects." > Wesley: "What do the men do?" > Worf: "We read love poetry. And duck a lot." TOP TEN "BORG" TAGLINES 10. I am Homer of Borg. Resistance is--ooo, donuts! 9. I am Scooby of Borg. Reware roo re rarimirated, Raggy! 8. I am Hugh of Borg. Resistance is not ENTIRELY futile, but CLOSE. 7. Evading the Borg: Circum-Locutus. 6. I am Barney of Borg. "I love you, you love me, soon you'll be machinery...." 5. Blonde Borg all have the SAME fun. 4. I am Andy Rooney of Borg. Didja ever wonder WHY resistance is futile? 3. I am Alex Trebek of Borg. For $200, it starts with R and is futile. 2. We are Borger King. Your way is irrelevant. 1. I am Quark of Borg. Money is irrel--is irrel--I CAN'T SAY IT!!!!! > My collection of Star Trek Top 10 lists... > >Things You Won`t see on any Trek > >10. The "Lost" Episode where Kirk becomes celibate. >9. Quark`s brother Rom takes up playing the cymbals. >8.Counselor Troi says to a patient---" No you`re not paranoid, people really >do hate you. Now get out of here YOU WORTHLESS LOSER!!!!!! >7.On amateur night in Ten Forward Mr. Worf sings "I`m Too Sexy for My >Shirt". >6.Kai Winn resigns as Kai to become a Dabo girl at Quark`s. >5.The Changeling spies are caught and imprisoned-----in lava lamps. >4.After a wild shore leave on Risa Ryker wakes up to find that he`s >married-----to a Gorn. >3.Data resigns from Starfleet to become an Elvis impersonator. >2. Q leaves the continuum to become a psychic friend. >1. Shatner directing another movie! >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >The Top 10 Reasons Why Riker Got Fat: > >10) Food replicators make damn fine donuts! >9) Wanted to be even more like his idol, James T. Kirk. >8) Picard was bald, Data had yellow eyes. Riker needed "a hook". >7) Thought bearded men should be fat and jolly. >6) Troi, angry at his rejection, telepathically signaled "EAT, Damn You, >EAT!! >5) Had to beef up in order to mud wrestle Worf. >4) When TOS crew got fat, they all got promoted to Captain. >3) Dr. Crusher refused to keep doing Liposuctions >2) Transporter malfunction-Riker's DNA combinded with Gracie, the Hump-Back >whale. >1) If he couldn't command the Enterprize-D, he wanted to BE the >Enterprize-D! >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >TOP TEN "STAR TREK" SPOILERS > >10. Brooks, Visitor, and Auberjonois will be fired to make room for Stewart, >Frakes, and Spiner >9. Voyager's Doctor figures out a way to turn off Tom Paris >8. Borg leaders in the new movie to be played by Lee Majors and Lindsay >Wagner >7. Keiko guest stars in an episode in which she and Miles don't have a >single argument >6. Admiral Chekov boards DS9 and falls madly in love with Lwaxana Troi >(whose first name he can't quite pronounce) >5. Worf visits the Homeworld, and Gowron can't remember where the storyline >left off >4. Voyager will time-travel to the 20th century and meet the Platypus Man in >an episode titled, "The Platypus Factor" >3. They do another one of those "Mirror Universe" stories, and this time Odo >gets all the babes >2. Howie Mandel to guest star as Gul Dukat's long-lost wacky brother >1. Brand new series portraying the day-to-day lives of staff members at a >Starfleet medical facility: "Star Trek: Sickbay" >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >Top ten indications that Voyager is taking the Gilligan's Island parallels a >little too far. > >10. Bamboo and palm leaves become the primary means of repair for the ship. >9. Retracting her earlier statement, Captain Janeway choses to be addressed >as "Skipper" during a crunch. >8. Torres and Kim develop a super-sensitive subspace radio to pick up the >"groovy" music of the Alpha Quadrant. >7. The words, "and the rest . . ." are added to the end of the cast credits. > >6. Every week the crew is visited by another castaway who always manages to >find his or her way home by the end of the episode, yet does nothing to help >the Voyager crew.. >5. Replicator rations are replaced with "Coconut cream pies" as a reward for >exemplary work. >4. The Doctor decides that he doesn't want a name afterall, since, "that >'Professor' fellow never needed one." >3. The first act of every show begins with Chakotay running through the >corridors yelling, "Captain! . . . Captain!" (replace "Captain" with >"Skipper" depending on the "crunchiness" of the situation). >2. The directors replace violent camera-shaking with comical speeded-up >photography (Chakotay running through the corriders yelling, "Captain! . . . >Captain!") >1."Just sit right back and hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that >started from this Bajoran port, aboard this tiny ship . . . " (c'mon, you >know the words!) >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >TOP TEN REASONS WHY JANEWAY IS BETTER THAN PICARD: > >10. Has better nighties. >9. Doesn't constantly tug at her top. >8. Actually likes being called "Ma'am". >7. Hasn't let her subordinates run her ship into a planet. >6. Doesn't need to call on an equally bald and old captain to help in a >crisis. >5. Helm Officer needs less frequent oil changes. >4. Is lost and knows it. >3. Doesn't play a Frenchman with a Shakespearan accent. >2. Can turn off her medical officer with the flick of a switch. >1. One word: HAIR! >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > >JEAN-LUC PICARD'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES > >10. When Betazoids take the helm >9. Has to wait two years between adventures >8. This damn uniform keeps riding up >7. Nexus fantasy was a real bummer >6. Riker gets to direct better episodes >5. Didn't get to meet Chekov in "Star Trek: Generations" >4. Kinda liked being Locutus, why did Riker have to go and rescue him? >3. Other starship captains who wear wigs >2. How come, when he gets top billing, Bill Shatner still makes more money >1. "Love Boat: The Next Generation" >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >TOP TEN CARDASSIAN HOLIDAYS > >10. Obsidian Order Day (date not disclosed to public, but you'd sure as hell >better be celebrating anyway!) >9. Flag Month >8. Festival of Cruelty to Animals >7. Throw Momma From the Train Day >6. Maquis Execution Day (held once every week) >5. April Political Assassin's Day >4. Bajoran Subjugation Day >3. Marc Alaimo's birthday >2. The day when you don't have to sit in a Paramount makeup chair for four >hours >1. Forced Labor Day >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >Top 10 Programs you'd run into trying to find something good on Cardassian >TV > >10. Guilty or Guilty? YOU be the judge. >9. *click* Citizen Indoctrination Time >8. *click* Cardassia's Violentest Home Videos >7. *click* Gallitepp and You! >6. *click* Guls: Filmed on location with the men and women of the various >orders. >5. *click* "This is UPN " >4. *CLICK!!* Legate Gorl's funeral >3. *click* Legate Gorl's funeral >2. *click* Legate Gorl's funeral >1. *click*: (Obsidian Order officer).... "tsk tsk tsk Try to change off >Legate Gorl's funeral ONCE MORE citizen, and..." >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >TOP TEN STAR TREK ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES > >10. "This is Deanna Troi. I sense you wish to communicate, and yet, you feel >great frustration that I am not here." >9. "Although I canna guarantee that I'll get back to ye, please leave a >message after the tone and I'll do me best." >8. "To expect one to always be present when you call would be quite >illogical. There is an alternative, however; you may leave a message of no >longer than thirty Earth seconds after the brief electronic tone." >7. "This is Will Riker. If you're a fabulous space-babe, press 1 on your >touch-tone phone. If you are offering me a starship command, press 2. If >you've got donuts, press 3. Otherwise, press 4 and leave a message." >6. "Hailing frequencies open." >5. "This is Geordi LaForge. I've set the main sensor array to reroute the >vocal modulation input to the secondary storage banks. It's a simple matter >of readjusting the voice relays to the primary auditory output system -- in >effect, I would hear your voice as though you were actually standing beside >me!" >4. "You have reached the internal answering machine of the Soong-type >android named Data. All my processors are engaged in other tasks at this >time. As soon as sufficient memory is available, I shall process your >message." >3. "Leave a message after the beep -- make it so." >2. "This is Dr. Julian Bashir. I graduated second in my class at Starfleet >medical. I've always wanted to practice a career in frontier space medicine; >it's been a major interest of mine since I was a very young lad. I also >enjoy tennis, and play a mean game of darts, if I may say so myself. >Currently, I'm assigned to Deep Space Nine, which gives me one medical >challenge after another. There's nothing like living on the edge. I am >extremely grateful to Commander Sisko, for giving me the chance to hone my >skills out here on the fringes of known space. I sincerely hope that some >day my work will be appreciated for the daring originality that >circumstances require, but in the meantime I simply do my job in the most >efficient manner that I know how. Forgive me if that sounds conceited, >but..... " >1. "Dammit, I'm a doctor not an answering service!" >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >The Top Ten Reasons Why Deanna Is Always Crying > >#10 - Her outfits are two sizes too small >#9 - Barkley has scheduled an appointment everyday for the next year! >#8 - She can't decide which hairdo looks the best >#7 - Because she knows she will always work the graveyard shift Bridge duty >#6 - She's under attack by yet another unknown telepathic alien >#5 - It's monday (or tuesday, or wednesday, or ...) >#4 - The replicator ran out of chocolate >#3 - She realizes no male with the last name Riker will ever choose her over >a starship >#2 - Her mother is Lwaxana Troi >#1 - She found out they are manufacturing Goddess of Empathy figurines! >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >Top 10 Reasons Janeway is Better then Kirk AND Picard > >10. Janeway has a Vulcan friend yet has successfully managed to avoid >meeting Sarek, Spock or any of their relatives. >9. Janeway looks great in sexy pink lingerie. Picard and Kirk look pretty >stupid in all attempts at sexy outfits (remember the infamous Picard bikini >bathing suit, or the Kirk "whips and chains" leather number?) >8. Janeway doesn't worry about God, she bypasses the whole issue and goes >straight to manipulating the afterlife. >7. Janeway reads romance novels instead of Shakespeare because she's secure >in her knowledge and intelligence and doesn't have to flaunt it. >6. Janeway always wins arguments with her chief medical officer, which is >more then we can say about Kirk or Picard. >5. Janeway wines and pouts even better than Kirk or Picard. >4. Janeway has more hair than both Kirk and Picard put together, and it is >really her own. >3. Janeway hedges on command decisions more then Kirk or Picard, displaying >a wonderful skill for surviving Starfleet politics. >2. Janeway unselfishly gave up her private dining room for use as a galley. >You don't see Picard and Kirk giving up their creature comforts, do you? >1. Janeway plays a mean game of pool, which requires intelligence and skill. >Picard and Kirk play chess (boring). >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >The TOP TEN worries of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard > >10) Has to figure out at least a token punishment for Worf for killing a >crew member who hid a tribble in Worf's bed as a practical joke. >9) The impulse engines have been making a funny noise lately. >8) Crew refers to him as "Captain Chrome-Dome Retard" behind his back. >7) That the voices in his head telling him to throw Counselor Troi out an >airlock will become too insistent to ignore. >6) Wesley might come to visit >5) Luwxanna Troi might come to visit >4) Geordi is taking a shuttlecraft apart and mailing it home piece by piece. > >3) If he doesn't get the pizzas to Starbase 141 within thirty minutes, >they're free >2) The way Data keeps reading "2001: A Space Odyssey" over and over again >and keeps calling him Dave. >1) Riker will keep turning down promotion after promotion and he'll NEVER >get rid of the big dork! >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >"The Enterprise Stops at Taco Bell": > >10) (Troi) I sense... indigestion. >9) (Picard) Don't order the fajitas, Number One, they'll go through you at >warp nine. >8) (Wesley, guest starring) Look, mister, the sign says you get a free >"Little Orphan Annie" cup with any taco salad purchase, and I'm not leaving >here till I get one! >7) (Worf) Klingons do NOT eat burritos! >6) (Geordi) I bet if I allowed anti-matter to collide with these >chimichangas we could boost warp power by 47 percent! >5) (Dr. Crusher, pointing tricorder at a taco) Inconclusive meat readings, >Captain. >4) (Picard) You're on, Number One. Whoever can squirt the most jalapeno >sauce up his nose gets treated to dessert. >3) (Riker) What do you mean you don't serve tokelau here? What kind of >Mexican restaurant is this? >2) (Data, re-joining Geordi after bugging Picard with a boring monologue on >the history of the enchilada) I do not believe it is physically possible for >me to place an enchilada in the area suggested by the Captain. >1) (Picard) When we get back on the ship and you have the conn, Number One, >you'd better not queef on my chair! >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >TOP TEN WAYS TO ANNOY MR. SULU > >10. Thwap him every time he says "Aye" without the "Sir" >9. When he reports, "Now travelling warp one... warp two... warp three..." >shout "SEVEN!!!!" just to make him lose count >8. Pass around photographs of his reaction shots from "Star Trek: The Motion >Picture" >7. Tell him he'd be great playing Judge Lance Ito >6. Keep calling him "Han" >5. Tell him you loved him in "Moontrap" >4. Ice up the helm console, then laugh hysterically when he says, "Sir, the >helm is frozen!" >3. Remind him that his daughter is a more interesting character than he is >2. Ruin his big scene by looking dispassionately elsewhere (William Shatner >only) >1. Put a whoopie cushion on his chair! >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >Top 10 Signs that Star Trek is Becoming Predictable > >10. During any episode of Voyager, you yell at the television "Oh, that's >never going to work, you're not going home anytime soon." >9. You can quote technical dialog for O'Brien or Torres before they make it >up. >8. When new life forms appear, they look just like lifeforms we've seen >before with different costumes. >7. All the planets Voyager approaches look strikingly similar to ones that >the Enterprise has visited. >6. The Dominion seems to be asleep during most episodes, even those that >take place in the Gamma Quadrant. >5. You successfully guess most plots before the credits finish. >4. It's getting hard to tell the difference between Voyager promos, DS9 >promos, and promos for repeats of ST:TNG. >3. Voyager does an episode called "The Naked Truth" where, you guessed it, >the crew goes kinda loopy on some virus that is a Delta Quadrant variant of >the one that hit not one but two (count 'em, two) Enterprises. >2. Nichelle Nichols, Walter Koenig and George Takei guest star on either >Voyager or DS9 during the next sweeps period. >1. The cast and crew of DS9 and Voyager accidentally switch scripts for an >episode and nobody notices until filming is completed. (Except for Cirroc >Lofton, who thought something was wrong when a scene called for him to >donate a lung to Quark). >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >Top 10 Refresher Courses Being Taught on Voyager > >10. The Prime Directive: How to break it without getting caught. >9. Medicine 101. How to administer first aid in case of holodoc failure, >hosted by Kes. >8. Creative Engineering 225. Transporting when the shields are up. >7. Security 115. Using minimal precautions when beaming down to uncharted >planets. >6. Duck and Cover. How to avoid losing primary organs, with guest lecturer >Neelix. >5. Creative Engineering 205. How to hot-wire holodecks while on food >rations. >4. Counseling 453. Coming to terms with your dual nature, hosted by >B'elanna. >3. Command 322. How to pull the wool over the eyes of senior officers, >hosted by Tuvok. >2. Alien Lifeforms. Falling in love and other things to avoid, hosted by >Kathryn Janeway. >1. First Contact. Changing cultural beliefs and societies, with guest >lecturer Harry Kim. >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >*Top Ten Other Horrible Fates For Crewmembers Just Introduced Last Week On >Voyager* > >10) Forced to eat Neelix's "Spicey Undercooked Fish" >9) Attacked by probe that overwrites brain with Microsoft software >8) Made into delicious high-protein diet shake for planet of fitness >enthusiasts >7) Split into "Interesting" and "Less Interesting" halves by alien >scientist; "Interesting" half killed while trying to escape >6) "Interesting" DNA is re-integrated, but alien scientist pursues >crewmember all across the Delta Quadrant in order to make his race popular >at parties >5) Stranded in alternate universe with cast of "Slackers" >4) Stomped on by giant Greek God alien who romances Captain Janeway >3) Attacked by deadly living gaseous cloud with the tell-tale aroma of wet >dogs >2) Discovered the hard way that one of the Delaney sisters is actually the >"dark" side of the other >1) Transported by female Caretaker to Alpha Quadrant - of Andromeda Galaxy! >*Doh*! >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >* Top Ten Things Neelix and Kes Do When They're Alone Together Offscreen* > >10) Twister! >9) Square dancing! >8) Sing along with "Sing Along with the Osmonds" record >7) Eat Wonderbread by the loaf (Kes only) >6) Experiment with new clothes! >5) Participate in Middle-Earth holo-novel >4) Run Kes' lucrative law partnership >3) Make lava lamps for the Kazon >2) Impromptu Miss Delta Quadrant pageants! >1) Gaze adoringly into each other's eyes while reading each other passages >from "Life's Little Instruction Book!" >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >Picard's Top 10 Crew Fantasies... > >10) A deep desire that Worf will punch Riker out over Deanna. >9) A deep desire that Deanna and her mother will fall into a black hole... >8) Data will learn to use humor effectively. >7) Geordi will do something in the time he says it'll take. >6) A deep desire that Riker would fall into a black hole. >5) A deep desire that the disruptor in "The Next Phase" had not been phased. >(Ten-Forward scene) >4) Ro and Worf pair up to kill Wesley and Riker. >3) Worf will get trigger happy and accidentally destroy the shuttlecraft >holding Deanna, Riker, and Wesley. >2) Wesley will either grow up and/or meet up with a bunch of angry Klingons. > >1) Beverly wises up. >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >TOP TEN IMPROVEMENTS OF THE USS ENTERPRISE 1701-E > >10. Transporter lock-outs to guarantee Wesley Crusher never gets aboard. >9. Toilets flush blue. >8. New shields curved to fit more comfortably. >7. Video library has no copy of Star Trek V. >6. Call forwarding sends Borg ultimatums directly to the Dominion. >5. Corinthian leather. >4. Viewscreen can't pick up 'Platypus Man.' >3. Kid-proofed. >2. Every holodeck has a built-in Goddess of Empathy program. >1. BRAKES! > > > > ***I'm lost. I'm out looking for myself. If you see me before I return, please tell me to wait. Sincerely, Anna Maria Keene*** >>>>>The Top Ten episodes getting rid of Wesley on StarTrek: The Next Generation: >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>10: After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes >>>>> stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." >>>>> His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of >>>>> vomit. >>>>> >>>>> 9: Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons. >>>>> >>>>> 8: Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock >>>>> the little snot around a bit." >>>>> >>>>> 7: Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a >>>>> detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment. >>>>> >>>>> 6: Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the >>>>> control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, >>>>> once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired. >>>>> >>>>> 5: Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons. >>>>> >>>>> 4: On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a >>>>> Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again >>>>> get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she >>>>> mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing >>>>> sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him. >>>>> >>>>> 3: In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, >>>>> Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Weasley. Spock barely >>>>> survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and >>>>> whining. >>>>> >>>>> 2: Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down >>>>> to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment >>>>> about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few. >>>>> >>>>>1: Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble >>>>> stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply _anywhere_. Even >>>>> an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him. Top Ten Signs That Star Fleet is Communist ------------------------------------------ 10. The guys in charge wear Red. 9. The endearing way the crew says "Comrade Jean Luc Picard." 8. The computer always knows the whereabouts of each crew member. 7. Heck, Worf's Russian! 6. Those five-year missions sound an awful lot like Lenin's Five Year Plans. 5. Whenever a child shows any talent, they ship him off to a special academy. 4. Almost all male crew members wear commie pinko beards. 3. Star Fleet claims to never interfere with local situations -- yeah, right! 2. Who else but commies would want a crew member who could read thoughts? 1. Capitalist Ferengi are EVIL! Here are some things we've learned from Star Trek: Voyager to date: 1) The Q Continuum is actually located in Gila Bend, Arizona and is populated by no more than six people (not counting the dog and the scarecrow--did anyone see the Tin Man (oops! wrong series) or the Cowardly Lion, by any chance?) 2) The Prime Directive does not apply to the afterlife or to alternate timelines 3) Universal Translators are not required for communication with alien life forms in some circumstances (here's a thought: can you read using a Universal Translator?) 4) Cardassian spies make lousy lovers (bumper sticker on Chakotay's shuttlecraft) 5) Despite having inherently pacifist beliefs, Vulcans can make effective security/tactical officers (and, despite an aversion to deceit and prevarication, Vulcans make excellent spies!) 6) There are, in fact, worse things to eat than Federation combat rations or Klingon cuisine 7) It is possible for an entire race to be suffering from a disease which destroys every organ in an individual's body *except* for the brain, usually the most fragile and susceptible organ 8) Federation starships sent on limited-duration expeditions carry an infinite supply of spare parts and shuttlecraft, but only forty photon torpedoes 9) Starfleet's preferred punishment for a sociopathic murderer is to lock that person in his quarters for life, where he has who knows how long to defeat the security system. Suppose the ship loses power one day, and this guy gets out? Also, while the death penalty may not be entirely civilized, indefinite solitary confinement is a violation of the Geneva Accords and has warranted UN sanctions for some countries 10) Federation negotiation tactics permit abandonning the representatives of potential allies to an assassin while the negotiating team beams back to the safety of their ship 11) It is possible for an individual with a lifespan of only nine years (and who is two years already) to realistically expect to complete *eight* years of medical school 12) Holograms can and do, in fact, show more emotion and personality than living crew members 13) Replicating a French pool hall on the Holodeck takes priority over replicating something useful (such as complete and fully-staffed medical facility or engineering lab) during an ongoing crisis 14) Kazons--Klingons with bad barbers? 15) 1930's automobiles and aircraft were built so well that they could exist exposed to the elements (and to hard vacuum!) for over four hundred years with *absolutely no sign of deterioration whatsoever!* I could *maybe* buy the plane making it that long if it were cared for, but how did that truck still have gas in the tank and a fully-charged battery after sitting in the middle of deep space for so long? 16) Romulan law permits a government-contract research scientist to place complete strangers belonging to the military of an enemy nation in his will! 17) A hydroponic farm no larger than a one-bedroom apartment can produce enough crops to feed over two hundred crewmembers (contrast Biosphere 2, about the size of Voyager, producing only enough food for seven--when it worked!) 18) On Starfleet vessels, the cook now has unrestricted access to the bridge while the chief medical officer is frequently left out of major decisions (where would Kirk have been without McCoy? Or Picard without Crusher? Even Bashir gives Sisko useful advice from time to time! Doesn't tradition count for anything?) 19) Humans will someday evolve into a *more primitive* life form (DEVO was right!) AND FINALLY... 20) You can't please everyone you meet, but Janeway & Co. do manage to show that you *can* piss off everyone you meet! Steve "Pun-isher" Condrey If it weren't for these things, I'd love Voyager! Here I am, hard at work: TOP 21 signs that the Enterprise is nearing the end of its warranty -!---------------------------------------------------------------- 21) Impulse engines stall when used in reverse. 20) Digital speedometer on the helm console is stuck at "88". 19) Shields to work on alternate Fridays. 18) Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil is now held up by a phone book. 17) Computer fails to process and instructions begginning with "w". 16) Booster cables become permanent fixtures in the transporter room. 15) Captain's chair must be propped up against the screen to keep the image from flickering. 14) Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through the squeaky part of the floor in 10-forward. 13) Main sensor array is unable to pick up anything except CBS. 12) Lower part of the bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become to steep for the bridge crew to climb. 11) Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board. 10) Holodeck becomes caught into an infinite loop: the ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears. 9) Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese. (Or should I say Kraft cheese and macaroni?) 8) Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer. 7) Bug in the main computer's speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters. 6) Untraceable glitch in the plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice. 5) Ship's dryer indiscriminently shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in frabication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed. 4) Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please, with sugar on it." 3) Riker is unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to the nude volleyball program. 2) Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted, and the door must be replaced with bead curtains. 1) Saucer section seperates whenever the ship makes a left turn.