_________|                                     
  \        |         The Top Five List           
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    /      |          February 5, 1997           |     
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  /___________)                               (__________\
The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
15) New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick
    himself
14) He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene
    Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing
13) Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the
    knee with a light saber
12) Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use
    the Fifth, Luke
11) The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza
    the Hut
10) Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny
    brass ass
 8) Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees
 7) New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has
    to pee.
 6) Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'
 5) Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his
    name.
 4) During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special
    attachment
 3) Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red
    paint.
 2) The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?  Richard Jewell
    and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...

 1) Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene
    none other than John Wayne Bobbitt
   [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
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