>You Might Be a Star Wars Fan If... > > Written by: gjh2350@msu.oscs.montana.edu > > you have ever tried to talk your way out of a traffic violation by >explaining that some > stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking, nerf herder (in a similar model >transport) stole your > transponder codes and, aside from how it must look, that vehicle in the >picture is NOT > yours. > your beat up old hot rod is NOT a "piece of junk", "may not look like >much, but she's got it > where it counts" and is "the ship that made the kessel run in less than >twelve parsecs" > your hot rod has "a few tricks up her sleeve" and some special >modifications you made > yourself > these special modifications always fail at the dramatically appropriate >moment > they always told you they fixed it > you have been known to pull out to pass on the interstate while yelling >"punch it, Chewie!" > your radar detector goes crazy and you request that everyone in the car >"pick up your visual > scanning" > you spot on-coming highway patrolmen and announce to everyone in the >vehicle, "here they > come!" > a rock takes out your windshield and you announce that "we've lost our >bridge deflector > shields!" > you drive into a construction zone and your girlfriend says, "you're >not actually going IN to > an asteroid field?!" > you reply, "watch your mouth kid, or you'll find yourself floating home" > you've ever climbed into a small foreign car, commented on its total >lack of interior space > and been told, "no, i don't think they had wookies in mind when they >designed her" > you spent most of high school cruising the local drag and, when the car >full of girls you had > been following suddenly disappeared, you began to wonder if ships that >small really DO > have cloaking devices. > you begin to wonder if the evil galactic empire recycles their garbage > you walk into a bar and are told that your droids will have to wait >outside > you have ever walked into a BAD bar by mistake and later commented, >"you shall never > find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy" > you have ever advised anyone to "let the wookie win" > every automatic door you encounter begins the imperial march playing in >your head > the door opens and causes an uncontrollable urge to do your very well >rehearsed breath > mask impersonation > you regularly hear voices in your head telling you to "go to the >dagobah system," "use the > force" or "run, luke, run" > you have ever tried to use the Force > it worked > you begin to think there was a mistake and YOU are the other > all your friends have star wars code names > you send imperial encrypt coded messages to each other that no one else >can understand > you were ever sent away from the dinner table for asking, "how you get >so big eating food of > this kind?" > your parents back yard contains more hidden star wars figures than your >local toys'r'us > you have ever tried to move rocks with your mind, but found yourself >moving only your > eyebrows instead > you've seen the movies so many times that you begin to feel bad for the >rancor > you've seen the movies so many times that you cry with the rancor keeper > you've ever gone to a toy fair and beat someone up over the price of an >ewok > you begin to wonder why the ewoks worshipped 3PO instead of Chewie > you watch the ewoks prepare to roast the heroes and begin to wonder >what a wookie tastes > like > you continually watch the 15 second ewok death scene while cackling >evilly to yourself > you have ever asked someone to prove that the 20th Century Fox fanfare >was NOT a part > of the star wars theme song > you gagged down two and a half pounds of powder coated sugar bombs to >send away for a > figure that would inevitably be dubbed "Fruity Han" > you refer to your wedding band as a "restraining bolt" > you unpack a dusty box, find your old star wars underoos and pause to >wonder if they still > fit > you've ever started a fight with the words, "if you strike me down, i >shall become more > powerful than you can possibly imagine" > you were sure that, after the fight, no one would ever find a trace of >your remains > you've ever attempted to calculate the construction costs to build a >Death Star > you gave up and bought a satellite dish > your car has been tagged with a character or vehicle name on a >personalized license plate > everyone in your college dorm knows you as "the star wars guy" > you told them your name is vader (or fett, solo, etc.) > a few hours of studying are occaisionally interrupted by a lightsaber >dual between POTF2 ben and vader > ben puts up a good fight > vader wins anyway (if just for the sake of continuity) > you thought "spaceballs" was funny > you ever bet your friends that george lucas could beat the crap out of >gene roddenberry > you know without a doubt that a star destroyer could kick the crap out >of any federation > ship and chewie would tear worf's arms off > you paid $7 to go to the last star trek movie just to watch kirk die > someone mentions classical literature and it reminds you to call the >book store to reserve a copy of Shadows of the Empire > you can properly pronounce "Xizor" > you realize that POTF2 leia looks like a wookie, but you bought her anyway > you spend more than 15 minutes tryng to get POTF2 ben and han to stand >up unassisted > you begin to realize that kenners POTF2 line contains 8000 deliberate >variations so that > collectors will continue to buy figures they already own > you don't care > you've ever been stopped at the border and announced that you are >carrying "parts and > technical crew for the forest moon" > the border patrol agent knew what you were talking about > you've already started packing for your over-night stay at the movie >theater in February of > '97 > your family photo collage includes a picture of yoda > you can sing along to weird al's "yoda" > you think yogurt is a short, green guy who uses "da schwartz" > you have ever played a game where everyone drinks when luke whines > you knew you'd be sloshed in ten minutes, but you played anyway > you pout for a week when someone points out a bit of "cheese acting" > someone tells you that john ratzenberger and scott bakula are in TESB >and you actually look > for them > your idea of a good buy involves missing a car payment for something >called "yak face" > you can point out yak face, tooth face, and prune face > you think these are good names for characters > > and last, but not least, you might be a star wars fan if... > you spend three hours compiling a list of 70 things that might make you >a star wars fan