> Subject:  The World According to Andy Rooney
> >   > >
> >   > >   On Ads In Bills:
> >   > >           Have you ever noticed that they put
> >   > >           advertisements in with your bills now?
> >   > >           Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have
> >   > >           to stuff junk mail in there with them.
> >   > >           I get back at them. I put garbage in with
> >   > >           my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds,
> >   > >           banana peels...I write, Could you throw this
> >   > >           away for me? Thank You.
> >   > >
> >   > >   On Fabric Softener:
> >   > >           My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew
> >   > >           what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women
> >   > >           coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off).
> >   > >           That's how they mark their territory. You
> >   > >           can take off the ring, but its hard to get that
> >   > >           April fresh scent out of your clothes.
> >   > >
> >   > >   On Cripes:
> >   > >           My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice
> >   > >           people there. Very wholesome. They use words
> >   > >           like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who would that
> >   > >           be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh of the
> >   > >           church of Holy Moly?
> >   > >           I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna
> >   > >           burn in Heck?
> >   > >
> >   > >   On Morning Differences:
> >   > >           Men and women are different in the morning.
> >   > >           The men wake up aroused in the morning. We
> >   > >           can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
> >   > >           And the women are thinking, How can he want
> >   > >           me the way I look in the morning?
> >   > >           It's because we cant see you. We have no
> >   > >           blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
> >   > >
> >   > >   On Pregnancy:
> >   > >           Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby
> >   > >           kicking. They say, Oh my God. He is kicking.
> >   > >           Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward
> >   > >           reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask
> >   > >           someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that
> >   > >           when I have gas. Oh my God...give me your
> >   > >           hand...It wont be long now...
> >   > >
> >   > >   On Grandma:
> >   > >           My grandmother has a bumper sticker on
> >   > >           her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen.
> >   > >           You don't want to think of your grandmother
> >   > >           that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
> >   > >           Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
> >   > >           she gave you for your birthday.
> >   > >
> >   > >   On Prisons:
> >   > >           Did you know that it costs forty-thousand
> >   > >           dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez,
> >   > >           for forty-thousand bucks a piece Ill take a few
> >   > >           prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles.
> >   > >           I already have bars on the windows.
> >   > >           I don't think we should give free room and board
> >   > >           to criminals. I think they should have to run
> >   > >           twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
> >   > >           generate electricity. And if they don't want to
> >   > >           run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up
> >   > >           to the generator.
> >   > >
> >   > >   On Award Shows:
> >   > >           Can you believe how many award shows they
> >   > >           have now? They have awards for commercials.
> >   > >           The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials.
> >   > >           I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the
> >   > >           whole thing.
> >   > >
> >   > >   On Phone-In-Polls:
> >   > >           You know those shows where people call in and
> >   > >           vote on different issues? Did you ever notice
> >   > >           There's always like 18% that say I don't know.
> >   > >           It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...
> >   > >           They're voting I don't know.
> >   > >           Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me
> >   > >           the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!
> >   > >           (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have
> >   > >           to stand up for what you believe you're not sure
> >   > >           about.
> >   > >           This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for
> >   > >           $3.95 to say I'm not in the mood.
> >   > >
> >   > >   On Answering Machine:
> >   > >           Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
> >   > >           messages on someone's answering machine?
> >   > >           Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
> >   > >           now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day
> >   > >           is Share the love. Beep.
> >   > >           Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....
> >   > >           Speaking of being positive, your
> >   > >           test is back. Stop sharing the love.