> Presidential Debates
>
> For those who don't have time to watch the upcoming  presidential
> debates, I've prepared this transcript of what will be said:
>
> Jim Lehrer:
>
> Welcome to the presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and
> Gov. George W. Bush.
>
> The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The
> candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks
> designed to appeal to undecided women voters.
>
> The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to 
frighten
> senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has 
expired,
> I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible
> statistics for three more minutes.
>
> Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can  you give us the 
name
> of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way 
that
> strains the bounds of common sense?
>
> Gore:
> As I was saying to Tipper last night after we  tenderly made love the
> way we have so often during  the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage,
> the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election.
>
> My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of 
Americans.
> I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an 
ironclad
> lockbox so  they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, 
who
> is here tonight.  Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal
> organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can  travel to these
> debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has 
arthritis.
>
>  Lehrer:
> Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
>
> Bush:
> Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying 
with
> them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists.  I 
want
> to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my
> opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
>
>
> Lehrer:
> Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were 
to
> launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
> pronounce his name?
>
>  Bush:
> The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and
> didn't get it done.
>
> If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have 
Dick
> Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several
> options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which 
one
> to choose.
>
> You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy
> decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
>
> Lehrer:
> Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
>
> Gore:
> Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in.  I
> served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of 
poison
> gas in World War I. I myself  lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. 
And
> when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper 
in
> a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic.
>
> If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal
> knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in 
an
> ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who
> can comfort them with simple metaphors.
>
> Lehrer:
> Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
>
> Gore
> It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed
> changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every
> senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single
> penny until the year 2250.
>
> In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to
> guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to
> their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help 
them
> with the child-proof cap.
>
> Lehrer:
> Gov. Bush?
>
> Bush:
> That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do
> math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm
> going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds 
to
> reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state  fairgrounds.
>
> Lehrer:
> It's time for closing statements.
>
> Gore:
> I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will
> fight for the working
>   families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a
> lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
>
> Bush:
> It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no 
one
> but Republicans.
>
> Lehrer:
> Good night.