>
> FROM: Human Resources Director
> TO: Everyone
> RE: Christmas Party
> DATE: Oct. 1
>
> I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take 
place
> on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open 
Pit
> Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
> playing traditional carols .. feel free to sing along. Don't be
> surprised if our General Manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
>
****************************************************************************
**
>
> FROM: Human Resources Director
> DATE: Oct. 2

> RE: Christmas Party
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
> often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
> However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
> policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
> Happy now?
> 
************************************************************************
>
> FROM: Human Resources Director
> DATE: Oct. 3
> RE: Holiday Party

> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm 
happy
> to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
> reads,"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
> to handle this? Somebody?
****************************************************************************
>
> FROM: Human Resources Director
> DATE: Oct. 7
> RE: Holiday Party

> What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
> the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and
> intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
> can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate 
our
> Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving 
your
> meal until the end of the party, or else package everything for
> take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
> arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
> dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
> restrooms. Did I miss anything?
 
*************************************************************************

> FROM: Human Resources Director
> DATE: Oct. 8
> RE: Holiday Party

> So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to 
do,
> alter the Earth's orbit? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
> burning of sage by our "Earth-Mother worshipping" employees, but 
we'll
> try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's
> breaks. Okay???
***************************************************************************

> FROM: Human Resources Director
> DATE: Oct. 9
> RE: Holiday Party

> People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our General
> Manager dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" 
does
> happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little
> man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at
> Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken 
hearts
> on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up a little here?
> 
***********************************************************************

> FROM: Human Resources Director
> DATE: Oct. 10
> RE: Holiday Party

> Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
> this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, 
so
> you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "*!$%*&$ "grill of
> death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad
> bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, they have 
feelings,
> too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm
> hearing them scream right now!
> 
************************************************************************

> FROM: Acting Human Resources Director
> DATE: Oct. 14
> RE: Human Resoure Director and Holiday Party

> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing our Human Resources 
Director a speedy recovery
> from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your 
cards
> to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
> cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd 
off
> with full pay.
>
> Happy Holidays!