> So James Earl Jones is Vassar College's Commencement
> speaker for this year.
> Oddly, this event coincides with the release of the
> much awaited "Phantom
> Menace" and the unexpected popularity of Baz
> Luhrmann's "Sunscreen Song"
> (which, if you have had your head under a rock, is a
> spoken graduation
> address set to music that is constantly playing on
> many radio stations).
>
> And so, I can only wonder what would Mr. Jones'
> address be like?...
>
>
> Everybody's Free (To Embrace The Dark Side)
>
> Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of
> '99...embrace the Dark
> Side.  If I could offer you only one tip for the
> future, The Dark Side would
> be it. The long-term benefits of The Dark Side have
> been proved by the Dark
> Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has
> no basis more reliable
> than my own meandering cruelty and conquests.
>
> I will dispense this advice now...
>
> Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet. Oh,
> nevermind, you will never
> understand the power and the beauty of your planet
> until after the Empire
> has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find the
> Rebel Base. But trust me,
> in twenty years, you will look back at photos of
> your home and recall, in
> away you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant
> you were, and how fabulous
> your planet really looked before it was a pile of
> burning space rubble. Your
> planet is not as dull as you imagine.
>
> Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know
> that worrying is as
> effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a
> landspeeder. The real
> troubles in your life are apt to be things that
> never crossed your twisted
> mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your
> reactor core at 4 PM on some
> idle Tuesday.
>
> Do in one Death Star officer every day.
>
> Scheme.
>
> Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up
> with people who disobey
> yours.
>
> Hate.
>
> Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers.  They can't
> hit the broad side of a
> barn.
>
> The battle is long and in the end, it's only with
> yourself. And your idiot
> son.
>
> Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the
> whinings of your bratty
> upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing
> this, tell me how.
>
> Keep your old light saber, but change your costume
> slightly with every
> sequel.
>
> Destroy.
>
> Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about
> joining the Dark Side.
> The most interesting people I know didn't have any
> respect at 22 for their
> victim's lives.  Some of the most interesting
> 40-year olds I know still
> don't.
>
> Have plenty of minions.
>
> Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's
> gone.
>
> Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.  Maybe your son
> will join you, maybe he
> won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become
> a dark Jedi and assist
> you in your campaign of hatred and destruction;
> maybe she'll become a rebel
> leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder.
>
> Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too
> much, or berate yourself
> either.  Your destiny is half chance.  So is
> everybody else's.
>
> Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't
> be afraid of it or what
> other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The
> ability to destroy a
> planet is insignificant next to its power.
>
> Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a
> meaningless extra.
>
> Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you
> don't follow his
> prophecies.
>
> Do not take your mask off, it will only make you
> feel ugly.  And vulnerable.
>
> Get to know your parents. You'll never know when
> they'll turn out to be your
> arch enemies.
>
> Be nice to your siblings.  They are your best link
> to your Jedi lineage and
> the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.
>
> Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a
> precious few, you should
> keep from crushing their tracheas.  Work hard to
> bridge the gaps in
> geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate
> you become, the more you
> will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty
> work for you.
>
> Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot
> rot.
>
> Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get
> heat stroke.
>
> Travel.  Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.
>
> Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will
> rise, the Imperial Senate
> will have to be disbanded, you too will get old.
> And when you do, you'll
> fantasize that when you were young, rebels were
> easily crushed, the Imperial
> Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their
> Emperor.
>
> Respect your Emperor.
>
> Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you.
> Maybe he'll give in to
> his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll
> never know when he'll
> whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to
> the Light Side  and
> saving his sorry butt.
>
> Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will
> become more powerful than
> you could possibly imagine.
>
> Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with
> those who supply it, or
> I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of
> nostalgia. Dispensing it is a
> way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin,
> wiping it off, putting
> black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming
> it for more than its
> worth.
>
> But trust me on the Dark Side.