> DEATH STAR TO OPEN DAY CARE CENTRE
> 
> 
> After months of speculation, it was confirmed
> yesterday that the Death
> Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space
> station, has added
> a new, state-of-the-art day care centre to its
> already vast
> array of capabilities. The massive four-room day
> care centre, which,
> according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe
> and fun learning
> environment for tots between the ages of one and
> four," has already
> begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully
> operational by
> July 1.
> 
> "Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and
> Learning Centre,"
> the Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its
> four classrooms,
> outdoor playground and experienced staff of licensed
> day care
> professionals, no other facility can match its
> awesome instructive
> power."  Though still several weeks away from full
> strength, the
> Sunshine Death Star Centre is already up and
> running. Among the most
> popular activities there are finger-painting,
> storytime and Duck Duck
> Goose, which the Emperor often helps lead. "Feel
> your hatred flow
> through you," he told 3-year-old Jenny Bates, as she
> energetically
> chased fellow toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips
> around the outside
> of the circle.  "Give in to your hatred!"
> 
> In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning
> activities,
> children at the Sunshine Death Star Day Care Centre
> have already
> witnessed the destruction of several planets out the
> centre's giant
> bay window.  Last Friday, in the middle of a
> colouring activity, the
> planet Alderan was blown up, delighting 23 of the 24
> children who
> witnessed the devastating power of the battle
> station. The sole
> exception was Libby Phelps, 3, whose family was
> vacationing in Alderan
> at the time of its destruction. She was frightened
> by the loud
> explosion and began to cry upon realizing that her
> mother, father and
> younger sister were now dead. The emperor's elite
> squadron of imperial
> guards leapt to action, removing the girl from the
> room and giving her
> some ice cream treats to calm her.
> 
> According to Death Star officials, the idea for the
> centre sprang up
> after a number of parents complained about the lack
> of quality,
> affordable child care options on the Death Star. 
> "As a stormtrooper
> and father of three, I'm very excited about the new
> day care centre,"
> Death Star citizen Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a
> safe, nurturing
> environment, one in which my child will learn." 
> Added Gail Lindon:
> "For years I took my daughter to work because I
> couldn't afford a
> nanny. Do you have any idea how hard it is to
> operate a tractor beam
> with a two-year-old pulling at your leg?"
> 
> As excited as most are about the new day care
> centre, a few extremists
> have expressed concern about its proximity to the
> Death Star's reactor
> core.
> 
> "There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft
> that leads to the
> core," parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss
> said. "If a small
> rebel ship were to somehow break through the
> deflector shield and enter
> the shaft, it's possible it could hit the reactor
> core with a single,
> well-placed proton torpedo shot and destroy the
entire space station." 

>Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing
> such a shot as "a million to one."