Fred,
he has hair on his head!
Here is a little story I wrote to amuse myself one day after recieving yet another hate mail from my good friend Fred-eric von junior kuehn on the issue of a supposed reading of a supposed spontaneously stable square that is really a circle...enjoy!
There once was a theoretical physicist by the name of Fred. He fit perfectly into the role. You see, he had hair. Not just any hair.. HE HAD HAIR!
One day, this physicist, gone teacher, was walking in a wooded park out behind the school he was teaching in and found a large wooden key. He picked up this key thinking it was some meager construction of a civil engineer. Little did he know that the engineers were coming to have their revenge. You see, Fred, being a theoretical physicist, didn't belive that anything but physics was of any value. Besides the fact that he was right, he had stepped in the toes of such great figures as ummm....YEAH! (think about it) and Al would not put up with it.
And so it came about that the great army of Al came forth from the bushes to smite down the foul and feeble menace that was fred, the theoretical. Oh, but the theory was strong in fred, and he used it to his advantage.
Al, who wielded the mighty BIOlogy, (nothing to do with engineering? but think about it, there is such thing as Bio-engineering right?) sent forth great waves of small creatures and large insects. A great plague washed upon the shores of france and the end of the world was near!
Fred, looked at the herds of animals that were about to eat him and thought with all of his feet. Suddenly, his hair opened up a 6th space hole and caused the distance between him and the animals to become infinitely close, but never touching.
Quickly, the great large Al, lumbered forward and caused many viruses to toxify the area in which fred stood.
Again, fred, remembering not to yawn as to let the foul viruses to enter his mucus membranes thus disabling his non-existent mental capacities, pulled an abomb out of his pocket and let it detonate, thus vaporizing the viruses and completely sterilizing and flattening the ground about so that industrial development and freak shows could progress.
Al frowned. Being of only biological, not cockroach (this is how Fred survided) descent, he could not fight Fred's a-bomb on even ground. But Al had an idea. He created his worst creation ever. He named him, american lawyer.
Fred cringed, then set off another nuclear device. This however, only made the lawyer angrier. He advanced with a legal document proclaiming the suit against Fred for detonating a nuclear device in clear violation of Nafda, the human rights code and the fact it made people uncomfortable since they had been trained to duck under a piece of newspaper during nuclear attack, and found it to be insufficient or uneffective in staving off the effects of nuclear radiation.
They were all about him now, glowing like some army of glow wormy thingy's. But, Fred was once again calm. He called upon the forces of quantum improbability to create hot cups of international coffee and to create world peace infront of the lawyers and people. Small children appeared out of nowhere and started to frolick in tthe fields.The lawyers saw the people of the world uniting and singing "" and ran around in circles screaming.
Al saw this and frowned. He would have to create something, something inhuman, something so large and frightening, that even he could not control him. The Mosby was created. (actually it was a dog)
It lumbered, and sat down to sleep.
Fred screamed : "Away with your Mosby! I mean you no harm!"
Al simply laughed : "Too late for that now, Fred, MUAHAHAHA"
Fred was about to scream a second time when he remembered. Fred smiled. Al was confused. Fred slowly took out his calculator, disabled the safety, and pressed the one button.
"I asked you nicely to put away the Mosby, but you didn't, now I have no choice but to do this." and with that, he pressed the divide sign and a zero.
Al realized what he was doing and tried top stop him but was too late. Fred hit the equal sign and all of space and time ripped and shreded. It reformed and diluted and compressed and faded. There was many pretty colours around. When they both came to again, they were in a meadow, there was no Mosby about, to the relief of Fred, but there were many and varied fuzzy rabits about. A lone table flew past them on it's way to the bottle cap and smashing pumpkins was blaring from the sky.
The wooden key he had been holding had somehow miraculously transformed into a large furry animal. It ran wild into the field and ate the rabits. Fred decided to call it Chealsea, with a "ea".
THE END
(well... not really)
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