ALF's Life and Times

This list is compiled from the Topps baseball card collection I of 1987 series

• ALF's real name, back on his home planet of Melmac was Gordon Shumway. He was named after his grandmother, one of the few women on Melmac, who could split a block of wood with her lips.
• ALF's father's name was Bob. His friends call him B.O. for short. Bob has a wonderful sense of humor and does a brilliant impression of Feta cheese.
• Back home ALF was an Orbit Guard. A professional Bouillabaseball player, a model for a short time, ran his own Phlegm dealership. (The Phlegm Turbo ZX20 was a classic)
• ALF failed as a "stand-up" comedian, so he invented "sit-down" comedy. He often remarked, "It's not easy being funny on your feet."
• During ALF's brief career as a sit down comedian, he wrote the famous joke, "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't find a word to rhyme with "orange."
• ALF left the world of professional comedy to join the world of professional sports. At the age of 193, he became a leg hugger on a bouillabaseball team.
• Bouillabaseball is played almost the same as baseball, except that fish parts are used instead of bats and balls. On very hot days all players must wear nose plugs.
• Nine years ago, ALF was called to serve in the Orbit Guard, A cross between our National Guard and the Vienna Boys Choir.
• The Orbit Guard's motto is "Guard the Orbits... Whether they need it or not." During basic training, ALF learned how to pilot a space patrol ship, fire a solar blaster, and burp in three languages.
• Like all other Melmacians, ALF attended college for 63 years, where he majored in Pedestrian crossing. He was also co-captain of the Skleenball team.
• Twelve years ago, ALF won the National Halloween Costume Award when he dressed up as clam dip, the first runner-up was Spilvey Nelson who came dressed as a ball of wax.
• ALF's Uncle Goomer once worked as an actor. He appeared in such films as, "Cat on a hot Microwave Dish", "Gone with the Fish", and "Luncheon Counters of the Worst Kind."
• At his best friend's wedding, ALF gave away the bride, unfortunately, to this day he can't remember who he gave her to.
• When he was very young, ALF broke his arm by falling out of a tree while raking leaves. (No one said Melmacians were smart.)
• ALF owned a pet vespa (A 3-legged dog) named Stinky. Vespas are a lot cheaper to own than Earth dogs because you only have to buy them 3 tennis sneakers.
• ALF's brother Curtis, aspires to play in the rock band called "The Soggy Moose." Their only top-10 hit was, "I Want to Brush Your Teeth With A Flounder."
• ALF's Aunt Eugene was a famous dancer. She appeared in Melmac's longest-running play, "I'm Dancing as Fast as I Want."
• ALF met his first girlfriend, Babs, at a college Skleenball game. He liked her because she was pretty and knew how to crochet gerbils.
• ALF's next girlfriend was Rhonda. He loved her more than anything...Including his collection of fine porcelain woodchucks.
• ALF's Aunt Bubba, was A tree surgeon. One day she met with an accident when she fell out of one of her patients.
• ALF's favorite Melmacian television shows are, "I Dream of Homer", "Bowling for Rice", and "As the World Explodes."
• One night, while ALF was out in his Orbit Guard patrol ship, Melmac exploded in a freak boating accident.
• Due to Melmac's explosion, ALF's Patrol ship was sent hurtling into deep space. If he hadn't been wearing his seat belt, ALF would now look like Sean Penn.
• ALF flew through space for months looking for a new home. He stopped only once to pick up a warm soda and a cheesedog on Saturn.
• One night, ALF zigged when he should have zagged and got caught in Earth's gravitational pull. He plummeted to Earth and crashed-landed into Willie and Kate Tanner's garage.
• Willie, Kate, and their two children, Lynn and Brian, took ALF in until his patrol ship could be fixed. ALF also got a chance to meet the Tanner's pet cat, Lucky.
• ALF told the Tanners not to worry, he loved cats...Especially with a side order of french fries. ALF learned quickly that on Earth, people don't eat cats.
• After Willie realized that ALF's ship couldn't be fixed, ALF was told that he could stay with the family as long as he behaved. Unfortunately for ALF, that meant no Cat A La Carte.
• Soon ALF was back to his good old self. One night, while Willie was sleeping he connected Willie's freckle's with A laundry pen.
• When Kate complained that ALF was always shedding on the furniture, ALF invented a fur-covered couch so no one would be able to tell. It didn't go over well, so ALF shaved the couch to make it look normal.
• ALF Taught Brian how to play Skleenball using a can of anchovies and a feather duster.
• One night, to entertain the Tanners ALF stuck 4 flashlights in his mouth and recited from a book of poems.
• ALF loves to tell stories about Melmac. His favorite was the one when his friend Dicky Arpunnzo wrote a song about Dutch Elm disease.
• It seems every time the Tanners leave ALF alone in the house, he comes up with a new way to get in trouble. Last time he soldered all of Willie's socks together.
• As A favor, ALF once painted the Tanners's meatloaf blue. He thought it would make it more appetizing.
• ALF once mowed the Tanner's living room carpet trying to find a corn chip he dropped. Much to his surprise, the corn chip was stuck in his nostril.
• ALF once invented toothpaste that glows in the dark. He figured they didn't have to turn on the lights to brush. The first time he tried it, he tripped and fell into the bathtub.
• One day ALF decided to teach Brian some of Melmac's customs. No one was amused when Brian coated the cat with peanut butter.
• One night, when he forgot his keys Willie had to break into the house. Thinking there was a burglar, ALF hit Willie about the head and neck with a block of lard.
• Once for the holidays, ALF whipped up his favorite desert. Unfortunately, none of the Tanners enjoyed it as much as ALF had hoped they would. No one had told him that humans don't like caterpillar pudding.
• ALF's biggest dilemma came on the day he tried to clean Willie's car. He had a heck of a time trying to fit all of it into the washing machine.
• One morning, while ALF and Willie were in the back yard throwing the frisbee, ALF accidentally hit Willie in the teeth with it. To this day, Willie sometimes whistles when he says "cinnamon."
• Once, after being told by Willie that he had to start doing more household chores, ALF tried to help by cleaning the bathtub. Unfortunately, Kate was taking a shower at the time.
• When Kate came down with a cold, ALF tried to cure it by making an old Melmacian potion for her. It contained fruit juice, vitamins and a small digital watch. Kate remained sick, but she kept perfect time.
• For whatever reason, ALF has earned a place in the Tanner home. As long as he doesn't repeat any of his past mistakes, like decorating the car with pimentos, they'll probably let him stick around...for awhile.