seaQuest DSV
Fic Title:
Fic author: katirene (XMP)
Fic rating: PG
Disclaimer: This is based on the second season of the Amblin Television and Universal Television series "seaQuest DSV", created by Rockne S. O'Bannon. As is understood, I do not own any part of these characters, and have made no profit in the writing and sharing of this fic
The song "I'll be Home for Christmas" was written by Kim Gannon, Walter Kent and Buck Ram. It is reproduced here without permission, but I'm not making any profit out of this, so I hope that they will forgive me.Further disclaimer: This is an Ari Adler seaQuest fic.
Summary:
Only in my Dreams - part 3
23 December 2021
Miguel fumed internally as he headed for Ari's cabin. The Christmas duty list had just been posted and Trey was assigned to a shift and a half. On Christmas Day, for chrissakes! This ruined all the plans they'd made about surprising her. He had to let Ari know, see what she could do to fix the situation.
But when he pushed open the door to her quarters, standing ajar, the scene that greeted him drove the problem from his mind. Lucas was cuddled right up beside his girl and the two of them were being very friendly. Their heads, both sets covered with fine, fair hair, were close together as they read from a single private personal computer screen, and the look on the boy's face as he turned his head to one side to gaze on his companion was more than Miguel could stand. He cleared his throat.
Lucas Wolenczak, nineteen years of age to Ari Adler's twenty, glanced casually up at the lowering sensor chief looming in the doorway, then whispered something into the young woman's ear, causing her to giggle and pull away, giving the boy a teasing, cautionary look. She turned her glowing face to her boyfriend and smiled at him happily.
"Miguel, come on in. Lucas is just leaving." At the broad hint, the computer specialist grimaced and stood up.
"Ok," he groused good-naturedly. "If you say so. I can tell when I'm not wanted, you know. I'll be by later with a dinner tray and we can finish going over the last of that report then." He looked down at her curiously.
"Look, are you really sure you want to go that far out on a limb? I mean, yeah, sometimes it seems like Darwin is really smart, but mostly, he's got the attention span of a toddler. And you really can't ..."
"Lucas, I know what I'm doing," she replied, chuckling indulgently and closing up the portable device. "Let me worry about my professional standing, ok?"
"Oh, ok, then. If you're sure." As she replied that 'yes, she was sure' he leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek, then cheerfully left, flippantly saluting the chief as he passed him. Miguel scowled at the kid's back, feeling in the playful gesture the sting of reminder of the difference in rank between him and Ari.
She was replacing the computer she used to read and write reports on the shelf above the head of her bed. Turning toward him, obviously wondering why he was still standing at the entrance, she welcomed him in, saying, "I'm glad you're here, Miguel. I was hoping that we could decide about Saturday." With a sigh, she sat down on the edge of the bed and patted the spot beside her. "I wish that Commander Ford would post the duty list."
"He has," Miguel answered shortly, finally descending the few steps to the floor level.
"And?" Her face changed. "Oh, no!" she mourned, guessing what was bothering him. "We've got different shifts? He can't do that. He wouldn't. Oh!" Her face crumpled and it looked like she was about to cry. He had to hand it to her, she was a good actress, wasn't she? If he hadn't seen the two of them together just now, he'd almost believe her.
"Is that what you requested?" he asked harshly. She blinked at him, trying to work out what he meant.
"That we have the same shift? You know I did."
"NO. Did you ask for separate shifts?" Ari's mouth dropped open and she sat back away from him.
"No. Why would I do that? Miguel, what's wrong with you?"
"Yeah, sure. We've got the same shift, not that it matters. Lucas has the whole day off." She searched his face carefully, trying to figure out what was bothering him.
"He's going to hate that," she replied uncertainly. He sneered hatefully, pleased when she recoiled because it proved that she still cared.
"Yeah, I bet he'd love it if you had the whole day off, too, though, wouldn't he?"
"Huh? I don't understand ..."
"You think I'm blind? That I didn't see what you two were doing? What you're planning on doing? Oh, sure, he's going to bring you your dinner and the two of you are going to have an intimate little meal right here and..."
"It's a working dinner!" Ari answered indignantly. "You know that the trial starts the day after New Year's and I've got to let their attorney know where I what I plan to say so he can be ready."
"Yeah, sure," he repeated in a voice heavy with sarcasm, knowing that it was inadequate but just wanting to get some more reaction out of her. Why couldn't she love him as much as he loved her?
"Miguel, maybe you'd better leave and come back when you're feeling more like yourself," Ari suggested, her eyebrows beginning to draw together.
"Why? So that Lucas can come back and the two of you can continue what you were doing?" He ignored her gasp of indignation. "No damned way in hell am I going to clear the way for that child."
Ari stood up and pointed toward the door. "You are being hateful and mean and at the moment, I'm wondering just who exactly is the child here. I think you'd better leave, Mr. Ortiz."
That was too much. He would show her who was a child. Before she could react, he was on her, pushing her down onto the mattress and holding her down, taking perverse pleasure in her struggles to free herself.
"Let me go!" she ordered, enraged, before he pressed his mouth roughly on hers,stopping any further words.
Her struggles continued, and she managed to get one hand free, to grab a good clutch of hair and pull hard. With a grunt of pain, he let go realizing that things were getting out of hand, but he was too late. Ari's hand was following up on the opening, slamming the heel of her palm between his eyes, and she capped off her counter attack with a knee into his groin, finally pushing him ungently onto the floor as he curled up in pain.
"Get out of my room, and get out of my life!" she ordered through tightly clenched teeth, her eyes flaming in fury. Miguel looked up at her, the pain cutting through his own anger and presenting him with the horrified realization of what he'd just done.
"Ari, I ..."
"Get out!" she repeated breathlessly. "GET OUT!" He scrambled to his feet somehow and stumbled up the steps.
"Please, I didn't ..."
"OUT!" He left, closing the door behind him and pausing to peek in through the window. As he'd thought, as soon as he was gone, Ari fell back onto the bed and she was crying. His own eyes felt bleary and he wanted, more than anything, to go in there and comfort her, to protect her, to take away the pain. But how could he, when he was the one who'd inflicted it on her, when he was the one she needed to be protected against. Shaking his head, he turned to go. He needed help. And he knew who would give it to him.
Luckily, Wendy Smith had some free time in her schedule and she agreed to see him immediately. As he related the story of what had happened, he couldn't look her in the face, afraid of the condemnation that he would find there.
"You tried to rape Ensign Adler?" she asked, incredulously.
"No. It wasn't like that. I just wanted..." he sighed unhappily. "You don't understand. Lately, it seems that the only way to ... to stop her from fighting is to ... to kiss her until she stops. And when she said that I was a child, I wanted to prove..."
"That you weren't. Oh, Miguel." The doctor actually sounded sympathetic. "This is exactly what I was afraid of happening."
"It is?" he asked miserably.
"Yes. And you don't even know why you did it, do you?" He shook his head no. "I told you, you come from a very macho culture, where men and women are expected to act in certain ways. Ari doesn't fit your cultural norm."
"I know that. I don't expect her to," he protested finally having the courage to look up at the woman. Her face matched her voice, offering no judgement, only sympathetic comfort.
"Don't you? Can't you see? Ever since the two of you decided to become romantically involved, you've been trying to force her into the role of 'the little woman' and Ari loves you so much, she's been trying to let you. But she isn't like that and she can't be like that."
"But I don't expect that," he repeated. "When we went up against the pirates, she was in charge. She gave the orders and I obeyed."
"Hmmm. But you know, you were in command of the actual boarding party," Dr. Smith pointed out. Miguel shrugged his shoulders.
"Under Ari's direction. She was still in control."
"But the two of you were partners, weren't you?" He nodded. "And wasn't that when Ari finally agreed to ... to be your girlfriend? Because the two of you work well together as a partners?" He nodded again.
"We do," he agreed. "But now..."
"Yes, now. This is one of the reasons that the no fraternization rule was established, because it is hard for male non-coms to accept that their partner is a ranking officer." She sighed, standing and looking away for a few moment before turning and leaning on the desk toward. "Miguel, I know that this is hard but... Maybe it's for the best. Maybe you should take this as a sign that you should be looking for someone who is willing to be the woman that your instincts tell you is right, someone who will be the wife and mother that ..."
"NO! I don't WANT that."
"Then back off and figure out what you do want," she continued uncompromisingly. "Take a good hard look at yourself and try to determine who you are and who you want to be. Then see if you and Ari can make it together."
"But if I do, she'll turn to Lucas and I'll lose her," he protested hesitantly.
"If you don't, she'll pull entirely away and you'll lose her," Wendy told him in no uncertain terms. "There's an old saying, 'If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, then it never was.' Perhaps you should try letting go, for now, and see what is yours." He closed his eyes, wincing, seeing Ari's furious face ordering him out of her life again. Wendy plowed on with her advice. "You know, you are going to have to do a lot of work to overcome this incident."
He took a deep breath and finally nodded, accepting her authority and her assessment of the situation. Heartened by this sign that he was listening, Dr. Smith delicately raised another concern, "Do you think Ensign Adler will file a complaint against you?" Miguel's head shot up, eyes wide.
"I ... I don't know. I don't think so. I didn't mean to ... I wouldn't have forced her, you know that. I couldn't. I love her." If she did press charges, she could ruin his career, but that wasn't what was worrying him then. He couldn't bear the thought that Ari might not know that he didn't mean to hurt her, that he would never for the world deliberately hurt her.
Wendy sighed. "I'll talk to her," she promised. "But you know, it's her call. I'm sure that rationally, you wouldn't have gone any further. But," she chuckled ruefully. "I wouldn't take any bets on either of the two of you being rational right now."
Leaving the doctor's office, Miguel ran into Lonnie Henderson, another ensign who specialized in helm.
"Miguel! Where have you been? Have you heard? Trey's really screwed us over this time. She's doing a shift and a half day after tomorrow so we won't have any time together. I can't believe it. Tim wants us all to meet in Ari's room to talk about it." Miguel flinched a little at the thought of meeting his girlfriend again so soon, but maybe it would be for the best, seeing her with the other two there to buffer the experience.
"When?" he asked cautiously, wondering if he had any time to prepare himself mentally.
"As soon as possible," she answered, grabbing his arm and tugging him in the direction she wanted him to go. "Come on." Giving a snort of laughter, she remarked, "Imagine you not wanting to see Ari. That's funny."
As soon as he re-entered the cabin, his eyes were drawn to where Ari was talking to Tim, leaning over him as he sat at her desk. The communications officer was slumped over, his head held in both hands with Ari half hugging him for comfort. For some reason, the sight of the two of them together didn't affect Miguel as badly as the sight of Lucas and Ari in a similar pose had earlier. She turned her head as they came in and gave him a brief, enigmatic and half-shamed glance before turning back to Tim and studiously ignoring the newcomer.
Miguel descended and went over to stand at Tim's other side, reaching out to touch Ari's shoulder, but she flinched away and his hand dropped down. "Ari?" he asked uncertainly.
"Miguel!" Tim answered for her. "You're here. Did you hear? Trey's going to be working twelve hours Christmas Day. What are we going to do?"
"I heard, Tim," the Cuban sensor chief assured the upset comm officer absently. He tried again to get the little ensign's attention, but she was moving away, drawing Tim's eyes with her and collecting Lonnie's.
"Ari?" Miguel said more loudly following her and trying to take her arm. Instead of answering, Ari turned to look inquiringly at Tim, ignoring the large man at her side.
She took command of the meeting then, quickly establishing that there was no way to get Trey off the extra duty, that it was something the woman had decided to do herself and had requested. Watching her closely, Miguel could see how she was deliberately subsuming her own confusion and pain in order to deal with Tim's disappointment over losing the treat he'd been counting on for Christmas. He decided that if she could do that, he should do what he could to support her, and he began to pay greater attention to the situation.
When Tim mentioned that he had been planning to gived Trey a special and private disk of music, Lonnie's eyes grew avid with curiousity she swayed toward the lovelorn lieutenant, obviously intending to tease the details out of him. Ari warned her off with a glare, but Miguel knew it would take more than that to get the inquisitive ensign off track. He spoke up, noticing that at the first sound of his voice Ari turned to play with something on one of the shelves.
"Well, I know that technically, it was supposed to be from all of us, with you two providing the player and Lonnie and me the disks, but ... what if Tim were to present her with the entire package and explain it's from all of us? We can have have a private celebration the 26th?" He was focused so tightly on interpreting Ari's reaction to his suggestion that he almost missed Lonnie's whining refusal, saying that she wanted to enjoy Trey's reactions for herself. He caught enough of it to reply absently that he did to.
"But since it was Tim's idea and ..." he said, but the man in question interrupted, trying to be fair even in the midst of his depression.
"Well, technically, it was Ari's idea back on Bonchance." The sound of Tim's voice speaking her name, recalled Ari from where ever it was that she had gone the moment Miguel started speaking. Only Miguel's close observation noticed the flicker of uncertainty in her eyes before she picked up the threads of the conversation.
"It doesn't really matter whose idea it was," she replied repressively, "but you're wrong, Tim. You were the one who brought it up, with your talk about tapes. And YOU are the one who wanted to help her feel that she belongs here. I agree with Ortiz," she finished, giving her head a quick shake. Miguel didn't know whether to be pleased that she'd finally noticed him or depressed that she was so reluctant to call him by name.
The offer was an attractive one, especially with two of the people Tim respected most supporting it, but his Catholic conscience wouldn't let him accept it without a fight. Miguel went closer to them both, leaning against the wall and brushing his arm against Ari's as he crossed them both over his chest.
"Tell you what, Tim," he offered, pushing cheer into his voice for all he was worth. "You give her the stereo and your little offering, whatever it is, and the rest of us will give her the other disks the next day. That way, you can have your fun and we can still see how she reacts to at least part of it." He could feel the approval radiating off the little ensign like a tangible warmth and risked a sideways glance to see. To his tentative delight, she was nodding and not pulling away.
"That's a good idea, Miguel," she said and part of him wanted to jump with pleasure, but, even more, he didn't want to move away from her side, her arm, still in contact with his side.
Unfortunately, she still had that damned report to write, and so she broke away, heading for her personal pc. The other two took the hint and started to leave, but he lingered, hoping for a chance to stay and talk things out. Instead, he found himself outside in the corridor, somehow, and Tim was bending his ear about everything he was doing, trying to win Trey's heart.
Miguel fought his way awake, and sat up, panting heavily, glad to be out of the nightmare he'd been under. He'd been a kid again, or rather, that kid, thin, undergrown and in prison. There had been hands, strong hands, big hands, holding him down, forcing him to conform. Still shaking, he checked the face of his alarum clock. 0100, the day before Christmas.
Slowly, he lay back down. Alone in the dark, he felt that he could think over what he had done. He got something in his eyes and they started tearing as he replayed the scene over and over again, highlighting every mistake he'd made, thinking about what he should have done.
Ari wasn't interested in Lucas. He knew that, when he could think rationally. And it didn't really matter what Lucas thought or felt, so long as Ari didn't. But he had to go and ruin it, didn't he?
Tim had talked to him for a long time, after the meeting, about how the communications officer had to take it slow; court Trey so that she wouldn't think he was like the other men she'd known, who had hurt her before. But that wouldn't work for Miguel and Ari. He was the one who'd treated her badly. How could he make her forget that?
His eyes sprang open. Why couldn't he? he wondered suddenly. Ok, so he'd been a jerk and an unforgiveable one at that. Dr. Smith was right, he had been reacting to the situation, not really acting the way he wanted. But that didn't mean he couldn't change, did it?
Excited, Miguel swung his legs over the edge of his top bunk, trying to fit into place the pieces of a plan that were assaulting his mind almost too quickly to assimilate.
Ari had fallen in love with him because he didn't try to overpower her, because they fit together as a unit. But every time they tried to act together as a man and woman, Miguel would fall into the cultural patterns with which he was familiar. So the thing to do was ... Was to keep everything on as business-like a level as possible until he had a chance to work out other patterns of interaction.
"Yesss," he breathed out. "That might work."
"Go to sleep, Ortiz," his roommate pleaded from the bunk below. But Miguel didn't feel like sleep, not yet. He got up and pulled on a one-piece boat suit, ignoring Adam's pitiful groans of complaint, and headed out, pacing through seaQuest, still intent on figuring this out.
He'd have to break off with Ari for now, he could see that. If he tried to romance her, they'd just end up in the same mess over and over again. Besides, she deserved some time to recover from the blow he'd given to her confidence, her trust in him and her own judgement.
For that matter, if he broke it off, then she might be willing to forgive him a little faster. If he tried to hold on tight, especially now, then he didn't have a snowball's chance in hell.
He'd tell her the first chance he got, he decided, then stopped short as the realization hit him that that might not be any time soon. It hadn't escaped his notice that when Ari Adler didn't want to be found, then she was absolutely elsewhere to the person looking for her. He'd be surprised if he saw her at all tomorrow ... no, it was today already.
For a moment, his shoulders sagged, then he realized what he could do.
Ari was faithful in the exercise of their shared religion, and she would make an effort to go to one of the beamed in Christmas masses. If he went to both of them, she was sure to be at one or the other, and then, afterwards, they could talk. He nodded decisively to himself. Yes, that would work.
Satisfied, he turned and went back to bed.
2335 hours
24 December 2021Pausing at the entrance to the seaQuest chapel, Miguel looked through the crowd of crewmates and scientists who were with the boat this tour. A program of carol music was playing so that people could sing while they waited for the Mass to begin. He began to make out who was here. There was Tony Piccolo, and Tim beside him, and Dr. M'ba and... Where was Ari? Maybe this wasn't her Mass. Someone poked him in the back.
"Are you going in or not, sailor?" the very familiar, longed-for and welcome voice asked. A smile of relief spread across his face and he turned to smile down at her upturned face.
"Coming in. Ari, about what happened..."
"Later," she advised him kindly, and he took her attitude to heart. "Right now, let's enjoy the service, ok?" Her eyes pleaded with him not to spoil this most holy night.
Tim had saved a seat on the pew for Ari, and with some difficulty, they managed to squeeze Miguel in as well, ignoring Tony's half-joking suggestion that the ensign could sit on the chief's lap, or his own if she wanted.
Throughout the moving ceremony, the muscular man kept one eye on the keeper of his heart, sitting so extremely close beside him that he could feel the blood beating through her skin. She seemed to be focused on the well-known and beautiful old story, hardly even aware of his presence.
As the last note of the last carol faded, and everyone stood to leave, Ari put her hand on Miguel's thigh, asking him wordlessly to remain. He didn't need to be asked twice. But once the chapel was empty, and only the spot light on the stained glass window to one side illuminated the darkness, it seemed that neither wanted to be the first to break the silence.
"Ari," he said, as she turned to him with "Miguel..."
"Let me go first," he asked quietly and she nodded. "Ari, I think that you know what I feel for you. You have to know, but ... This isn't working out between us. You and I were a lot closer, and had a lot more fun together, when we were just friends. I ... I don't want to lose you, and if that means we should go back to being 'just friends', then that's what I want to do." Ari stared up at him, hurt surprise in her eyes.
"Well," she gave a mirthless snort of laughter. "That really... " Biting her lower lip, she fought for control. "That removes any need for me to say what I was going to say. Are you sure that this is what you want?"
"Yes. I've never been more sure of anything in my life," he answered fervently. She nodded slowly. He wondered what she had been planning to say. From her reaction, probably pretty much the same thing. He realized then the real reason he wanted to go first. Up until this moment, he'd had a forlorn hope that she would try to talk him out of it.
"Ok, then. If that's the way you want it," she said. "I ... Thank you for telling me, Miguel. Now, would you please, please leave me alone. I want to ... to pray for a while." He stood, then stooped to kiss the top of her head, knowing that it would be the last time that he'd dare to kiss her for a while, but, Please God, not forever. She slid down onto the kneeler and bowed her head and, after a moment, he walked away, the knowledge that this was for the best not making it any easier.
25 December 2021
Miguel watched Ari dancing with Lucas, both of them egging each other on to greater and more ridiculous manuevers. They were the center of a circle of friends and colleagues, all laughing, and shouting suggestions to the dancers.
She was gorgeous, wearing some kind of black full skirt that shimmered with colours in the light as she moved and a blouse that was deceptively simple. The two of them looked so right together out there, having fun, enjoying themselves and performing for the others. And he'd found out what they had been working on so intently for the past few weeks.
When he'd gone back to his quarters after duty a short while ago, he'd found a box on the middle of his bed, a hand-made attachment for his stereo that would allow him to compose the music he sometimes heard in his head using the talents of top musicians, living and dead. And he knew that he had both of the clowns mugging it up out there to thank for it.
Look at her, he mused to himself, unable to take his eyes off of the small junior officer, spinning around with her skirt flaring out around her. She doesn't even blink an eye, just goes on with her life. It was obvious at that moment that she didn't care for him as much as he wanted her to, but, if he could manage it properly, maybe she would learn to love him.
He waited until the music was ending, cradling the brightly wrapped box protectively in his arm and making his way through the happy, celebrating group to be in the proper place when they finished their gyrations.
Ari spun around to leave the floor and blinked with surprise, starting back to find Miguel so close in front of her.
"Oh," she panted. "Ah, Feliz Navidad, Miguel."
"Merry Christmas, Ari," he answered, handing the box to her. "Here, this is for you." She frowned at it a moment, doubt in her eyes.
"Are you sure?" she queried, but at his nod and insistance, she took the box and sat in the nearest chair to open the wrappings, tearing carefully at the edges to leave as much of the paper whole as possible.
"Oh, come on, Ari," Lucas razzed her, leaning over curiously to find out what Miguel had given her. He glanced up and grinned. "Look what she gave me," he offered, pulling out a chain from around his neck. Miguel leaned forward.
"Wenceslaus?" he queried, shooting them both a puzzled glance. Lucas shrugged, still smiling, and took something out of his pocket.
"I don't know, she won't tell me. But look at this." 'This' was a home-made booklet, containing handwritten coupons offering to do laundry or clean quarters or take over kitchen patrol duties. Lucas laughed happily. "But she tells me there's a catch, I can only redeem one coupon a week."
"Beast," she said, without looking up. "My mother taught me that you can't trust men not to try to take whatever advantage they can. And Andrew told me she was right. Ohh!"
The last gasp was one of amazed delight as she lifted out the ceramic leaping dolphin that Miguel had picked up close to two months earlier. The colours glazed on it were almost identical to Darwin's markings and the glint in it's eye was so much like the mischievious seaQuest dolphin that even Lucas goggled at it.
"Oh, Miguel, it's... Thank you. I don't know what to say. Thank you."
"Then you like it," he replied, feeling unaccountably pleased.
"More than I can tell. And ..." She looked down shyly. "I've got something for you, too, if you want it." He knelt in front of her, trying to angle his head to catch her eye.
"Of course I want it, but I've already seen the sound machine." Looking up, he included Lucas in his thanks. "You both did a wonderful job with that. If it works the way..."
"If it works!" Lucas echoed indignantly. "Of course it works. Do you know how long we spent designing and putting that thing together? If it works! Hmmph!"
The young man's indignation gave Ari a chance to retrieve a chain from around her neck. Miguel still crouched in front of her, making it possible for her to reach over and put it over his head.
"This was my uncle's," she told him softly. "I ... I had been planning to wrap it up properly, but after last night, I didn't think you'd want anything from me."
"What?" Lucas asked intrusively leaning closer and trying to hear what she was saying. Without looking at him, Ari answered shortly, saying, "Go away. This is private."
"Well!" he snorted. "I know when I'm not wanted." And he left them.
Miguel looked at the antique golden medallion, an ornate St. Christopher, and then slipped it under his shirt.
"It doesn't matter about the wrapping," he said, knowing that there was no way he could tell her exactly what it meant to him, to have it warm from her breast to his. "But, do you suppose I could have the next dance." Ari nodded, and stood, holding the dolphin statuette cradled in between them as the first notes played.
"I'll be home for Christmas,
You can count on me.
Let there be snow, and mistletoe,
And presents on the tree.Christmas Eve will find me
Where the lovelight gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams."If home was where the heart was, Miguel thought carefully holding her, not too close, then he was already exactly where he should be for Christmas.
Ari walked carefully around the floor pillows that her two friends had purchased for her cabin, wondering ruefully where she would store them for inspection, and holding the beautiful, precious figurine that Miguel had given her. Putting it in the place of honour, next to the photo of Andrew and Uncle Paul, she gave the dolphin's melon a last caress and turned on the tape of Christmas carols she'd left in the player.
Coincidentally, the song "I'll be home for Christmas" started playing, and she swayed around the room, reliving the magical few moments again when they had been dancing together, cherishing them in her heart. The song ended and she sighed, stopping the tape and rewinding it.
It had been wonderful to dance with him for one last time, she thought, her eyes starting to tear up again. But perhaps she should have refused. The formality, the way he held her so far away, more than anything else, it illustrated that it was all over between them.
Maybe it was for the best. Miguel was probably right. He usually was, when it came to non-military things. And she knew all along that she didn't really suit him. He should be with someone tall, and elegant, and beautiful, someone more like the other two women in their group. She snorted suddenly, hearing the familiar self-pitying complaints in her head.
Or maybe not. The talk she'd had with Dr. Smith had shown her why she was all wrong, and it had nothing to do with looks.
A small, twisted grimace touched her lips at the thought. She'd actually gone to see Dr. Smith voluntarily and of her own decision. That was a first. But the way she'd exploded in violence had shocked her. No wonder he wanted to break it off, considering where she'd kicked him.
In his eyes, no real woman would react that way. But, when he held her down like that, all of her nightmares about being back at the convent suddenly hit her and she couldn't stand being held down again. Not like that. And she fought as she couldn't fight Agnes and her toady then.
But then Dr. Smith had pointed out some facts of life to her, when they had talked, after she'd fobbed Lucas off with some excuse about being exhausted and wanting to go to bed early. The doctor had reminded Ari about how traditional Cuban culture was, and how the woman was integral to family life, to home life. She just wasn't the kind of woman that he expected to be involved with. She was too bossy, too officious, not at all feminine or loving, and ... and now she'd driven him away.
Ari was glad that he'd said his bit first. She had thought about it all day on the twenty-fourth, barely paying any attention to what she was supposed to have been doing. She didn't want to lose him. And if it meant that she should change, then she would. She'd become the kind of woman that he could love and cherish. She could become more yielding, more feminine. And she thought that she would start by offering him the one thing that she thought would prove to him how sorry she was that she had attacked him like that.
Ari shuddered at the thought of his probable reaction to what she had been planning to say. How ironic that the night she had been going to suggest that they go to her cabin and ... and have sex, it would be the night that he decided they should break up. She sighed sadly and wiped her cheeks momentarily dry, turning the song on again, closing her eyes to better remember every moment of being with him at the party.
The last line of the song mocked her, telling her how vain her hopes had been. And, voice cracking, she sang along with it, "If only in my dreams."
THE END
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