>>1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

>>2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.

>>3) You know stuff about tanks.

>>4) A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

>>5) Monday Night Football.

>>6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

>>7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

>>8) You can open all your own jars.

>>9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

>>10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

>>11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

>>12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.

>>13) All your orgasms are real.

>>14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.

>>15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).

>>16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

>>17) You understand why Stripes is funny.

>>18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

>>19) Your last name stays put.

>>20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

>>21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

>>22) You can kill your own food.

>>23) The garage is all yours.

>>24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

>>25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

>>26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

>>27) You never have to clean a toilet.

>>28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

>>29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

>>30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.

>>31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

>>32) Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

>>33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.

>>34) You don't have to shave below your neck.

>>35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

>>36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

>>37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

>>38) You can write your name in the snow.

>>39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

>>40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

>>41) Chocolate is just another snack.

>>42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)

>>43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

>>44) Flowers fix everything.

>>45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

>>46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

>>47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

>>48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

>>49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

>>50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.

>>51) Foreplay is optional.

>>52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

>>53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

>>54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

>>55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.

>>56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

>>57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.

>>58) You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.

>>59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.

>>60) The world is your urinal.

>>61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.

>>62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.

>>63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

>>64) One mood, all the time

>>65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

>>66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.

>>67) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

>>68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

>>69) Same work...more pay!

>>70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

>>71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

>>72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

>>73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.

>>74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

>>75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.

>>76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

>>77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.

>>78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

>>79) ESPN's SportsCenter.

>>80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

>>81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

>>82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

>>83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

>>84) You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

>>85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.

>>86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

>>87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."

>>88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

>>89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

>>90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

>>91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

>>92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

>>93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.

>>94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

>>95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

>>96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

>>97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.

>>98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"

>>99) Baywatch

>>100) There's always a game on somewhere.