"The Best of Lost Worlds" 
The chaotic Star Trek TNG/Jurassic Park crossover 
By: Matt Murray 
Part 1: What do they have in there, King Kong? 

Authors note-I recommend watching at least the first Jurassic Park movie, 
along with Star Trek, First Contact, this is only for the reader's 
benefit to increase the pleasure of viewing 
this story.  Now go read it! 

[Opening scene, Picard's Ready room aboard the Enterprise-E] 

Picard:  Computer authorization: Picard four seven alpha tango. 

Admiral Hayes:  [On screen] 

Hayes:  Catch you at a bad time Jean-Luc? 

Picard:  No, of course not. 

Hayes:  I've just received a disturbing report from Deep Space Five, 
long range sensors have picked up... 

Picard:  Yes, I know.  The Borg. 

Hayes:  How the hell did you know that!? 

Picard:  Admiral, the Enterprise is at DS5, we sent that report. 

Captain's log: 
The moment that I've been dreading for six years now has finally arrived.  The Borg have begun an 
invasion of the Alpha Quadrant. Wait a minute...is this my script!? [Stewart runs off the set, and grabs 
another copy from the director] Okay... 

[Out in Space the Enterprise-D slowly drifts along, just like in all the rest of the episodes] 

Data:  We have an incoming transmission from Starfleet, Admiral Hayes sir, for you.  It is on a secure 
channel and will require a clearance of- 

Picard:  Thank you Mr.Data, pipe it through to the viewer.  Data, while you're there, double check to see 
if we're in the right story, please. 

Data:  Confirmed. 

Picard:  Very good then, Mr.Sartyin take us- 

Hawk:  Sir, due to recent budget cuts, I'm filling in for this episode. 

Picard:  Hawk?  Looking good for a Borg.  Very well...Lieutenant, depart from Space dock, I'll take that 
communique up at the science station Data. 

Data:  Why not your Ready Room sir? 

Picard:  My replicator reached it's one thousand Earl Grey limit.  It's been dumping Red Rose all over my 
office.  I don't think it's safe to go back in there. 

Worf:  Admiral Hayes reports that he's getting quite annoyed with you sir. 

Picard:  Let him wait. [taps his communicator pin] Beverly,we're getting new orders from Starfleet, stand 
by for any causalties. 

Crusher:  [Over comm] Aye, sir 

Picard:  Okay, Admiral.  Whats up? 

Hamm:  Admiral Hamm here, Jean-Luc. 

Picard:  Hamm?  I thought it was Hayes? 

Hamm:  I deleted his signal.  He probably wanted you go save some species no one wants to hear about 
from some intergalactic plague or some other humanitarian mission. 

Picard:  I didn't know signals could be deleted. 

Hamm: We're in Star Trek Captain, we do what we want, for example can give the same conduit a 
million names, and we have!  Damned techno-babble, we can do anything!  We've got the power!  It's 
mad I tell you, MAD! 

Picard:   [mutters a profane curse]  Orders? 

Hamm:  I'll have a steak, rare with a little tabasco- 

Picard:  Mission orders!? 

Hamm:  Oh, yes.  Go to Deep Space Nine.  Prepare an away team, but a few others that are already on 
the station will join you there in Ops. 

Picard:  I see. 

Hamm:  See what? 

Picard:  Never mind Admiral Pig, what's the away mission about?  Monsters?  Alien Death Rays?  Borg 
attack?  Time Travel?  Find out who works for the Men in Black? 

Hamm:  It's H-A-M-M.  No, we currently have Jay and Kay, trying to determine the Changeling 
identities and whereabouts on Earth.  But your mission is to do a little research into a new Genetic site, 
that the Starfleet Science Division has created aboard the Station.  Should  be lots of fun. 

Picard:  Whoopee!  Sounds like fun. 

Guinan:  Someone call me? 

Picard:  WHAT!?  No.  We're on our way Admiral.  Picard out. 

Hamm:  Hamm out. [Screen goes blank] 

Picard:  [Sits up and returns to the command chair] Set a course, Mr.Hawk. Deep Space Nine, warp 
eight. 

Hawk:  Eye, sir. 

Picard:  No, Hawk, it's 'aye'. 

Hawk:  No, sir.  My eye, a borg servo is disrupting my vision, I can't see my controls. 


Picard:  Go see Dr.Crusher, she may be able to give you an analgesic cream or something.  Data, set 
course. 

Data:  Need I remind you sir, my Station is the Ship's Operation, I cannot engage a course with my 
instruments. 

Picard:  Well Data, both consoles look the same, make it happen! 

Data:  But, Captain! 

Picard:  DO IT! YOU WALKING, NO GOOD, EXCUSE FOR A LAPTOP! 

Data:  Aye, sir.  But I do not know what other systems may be affected by this command. 

[Data inputs the order, and the ship lurches past light speed.  Data looks quite pleased that it did not 
cause any harm to the ship, but that's when the Ready Room doors open, and a wave of tea washes over 
the front end of the bridge] 

[Hawk is causally walking down one of the identical looking corridors that are all over the ship, when 
suddenly he stumbles, and collapses on the floor] 

Hawk: Hawk to Sickbay, medical emergency, deck four...section two...baker. 

[Turbolift doors open almost automatically, and Crusher walks out with a full medical team, which begin 
hovering over Hawk] 

Crusher:  [Scanning] Your implants are activating, Hawk.  You better come to Sickbay. 

Hawk:  I think I RAHHHHHH!  AHHH!  AHHHH!  AHHHH!  I...I am Borg. 

Crusher:  You are Borg? 

Hawk:  I am.  What are you gonna do about it? 

Crusher:  Call security.  SECURITY! 

[Hawk grabs one of the med staff, and slams him up against the wall, breaking his neck] 

Crusher:  Okay, Alyssa time for plan B. 

Ogawa:  Run like extras in a Godzilla movie? 

Crusher:  Bingo. [Crusher and her team take off] 

Hawk:  Yes!  I bring chaos to order!  I am the destroyer of perfection. I am- 

Security Guard:  A pompous jackass. 

Hawk:  I was going to say the Borg King, but if you insist. [Hawk attacks the guard, killing him, and runs 
off through the ship] 

[Change scenes] 

Captain's log, supplemental: 
That reminds me, I forgot to take my nutritional supplements today... computer, two vitamins. [crunch, 
crunch] As I was saying, we have arrived at DS9, I have prepared my team, and am waiting the 
Admiral's go ahead, even though what he has on his shoulders doesn't really classify. 

Picard:  Mr.Hawk, oh wait he's gone.  Umm, Mr.Sartyir commence- 

Ro: Wrong again, sir.  They couldn't afford another extra, almost all the money is being diverted towards 
the special effects for this episode.  Even the regulars are only getting half of what they're supposed to. 

Riker:   Special effects!?  In case anybody hasn't noticed, THIS IS JUST WORDS ON PAPER!! 
[Pause] Anyway, Ro, how's Maquis life? 

Ro:  Sucks. Low level technology, living as a scavenger...just like Starfleet. Anyway, I am beginning 
docking procedure. 

Data:   Lieutenant, I would hardly say Starfleet technology is 'low level'. 

Riker:  Captain, I strongly advise against this. Putting you in danger is my job, not yours. 

Picard:  It's just a science experiment, what could go wrong? [Slaps his communicator] Doctor Crusher?  
Would you come up here to the bridge for a moment? 

Crusher:  Acknowledged. 

Picard:  Worf, Data.  You're with me. 

Riker:  Sir, I really don't see the point of putting yourself at an unnecessary risk. I would volunteer if 
you... 

Picard:  Dammit, Number One.  I know why you want to go over there, and no you're not coming, and  
no, you're not authorized to leave the ship to play daboo! 

Riker:  But sir! 

Picard:  NO! 

Data:  Sir, I hate to break up your pointless argument, but I am receiving a signal from DS(. 

Picard:  Data, don't hit SHIFT, when you're speaking with numerals. 

Data:  I will be more cautious in the future, sir. 

Picard:  Picard to Transporter Room: Beam Commander Data, Lieutenant Worf, Doctor Crusher and me 
directly to the Ops station, on my mark. [Turns to Riker] Number One, you have the ship, Counselor, 
you'll be second. 

Ro:   Can I be third? 

LaForge:  [Over comm] What about me? 

Picard:  SHUT UP!!! All of you, Mr. LaForge, since Engineering won't be in the story for quite some 
time, and your contract says you have to be in the beginning of every seventh episode, take Data's 
postion. 

LaForge:  Aye. Sir. 

Picard:  Mark. 

Transporter Chief:  What, sir. 

Picard:   Not your name!  Mark! 

Transporter Chief:  What sir? 

Picard:   [Sighing] Energize, to Ops. 

[Picard and the team vanish in the transporter light, and re-appear next to LaForge's new Bridge station] 

Picard:  Picard to transporter Room, I meant to Deep Space Nine. 

Transporter Chief:  Where on DS9? 

Picard: Picard to Chief O'Brien, releive the chief on transporter duty, right away. 

[After a few moments, the team disappears again, and this time over to DS9] 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Announcer:   Next time on Sliders... 

Arturo:   The Wormhole opens in one hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight... 

Quinn:   Professor! 

[Sliders jump through the wormhole] 

Wade:   Where are we? 

Rembrant:   Look. [Points to a "Welcome to Chicago" sign] How the hell we get here? 

Fraser:    Excuse me, who might you be, and why did you come from a hole in the space/time 
continuum? 

Vekio:   Stand back Benton. [pulls his gun] I don't trust these freaks, they're just the same kind of nut 
cases we deal with everyday! 

Fraser:   [Sticks his finger in the Wormhole, removes it, and tastes it] Yes, definitely from another world. 

Vekio:   Eww!  I hate it when he does that!!! 

Quinn: Blech! 

Wade:   Gross! 

Fraser:   Actually ma'am, it's pronounced Graw-ss. 

Rembrant:   Oh great!  How did we end up here!? 

Arturo:   Especially with a trigger happy detective, and a Mountie in the U.S.! 

[Roll Due South Music] 

Announcer:   The Due South/Sliders Crossover, next week!!!!!  You CAN'T MISS IT!! 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Personal log:   ........THEY DIDN'T TAKE ME TO PLAY DABOO!!!!!!!! 

All:   Shut up Will! 

[Picard and party re-energize on the Ops centre of DS9] 

Hamm:   Welcome aboard.  Here are your companions that will be accompaning you: mathmatician, Ian 
MacOlm, and my lawyer, Ben Matlock. 

Worf:   Matlock? 

Matlock:   Yeah, ugly, Matlock. 

Picard:   So what are we waiting for? 

Hamm:   Hop aboard these motorized carts, they will guide you to the Visitor's Centre.  Mr.Data, would 
you care to see how the systems operate?  I'm sure our computer specialist, Dennis 'the Menace' will be 
happy to show you. 

Nerdy: It's not Menace!  Stop calling me that!  It's Nerdy. 

Picard:   [To Crusher] Which name's worse? 

[Picard, Worf, Crusher, MacOlm, and Hamm climb into one of the carts and drive off towards the   
Visitor's Centre.  Data stays behind, and annoys Nerdy out of his mind] 

Crusher:   [In the cart, to Picard] Oh, I forgot to tell you, Hawk's become the Borg King, and he's loose 
on the ship. 

Picard:   Well he's their problem now.  Try and enjoy...the ride......Doctor. 

[Picard gapes at something over in the hall way, and grabs Crusher's head, who is admiring a plant, and 
turns it to match his gaze] 

Crusher:   It's a dinosaur!!! 

MacOlm:   What in the... 

Picard:   It's a Brontosaurus!!!  Wonder how they got it to fit in the hallway like that? 

Hamm:   [Stepping out of the cart] Captain Picard...my dear Doctor Crusher...welcome to the Lost  
World...I mean Jurassic Park! 

Picard:  How hungry are they? 

Hamm:   We've watched the T-rex feed on an entire group of Starfleet...I mean, Iguanodons. 

Crusher: You have a T-rex? 

Hamm:   We have a T-rex! 

Crusher:   They have a T-rex! 

Picard:   They have a T-rex! 

Worf:   If you do not stop saying the same sentence, I will be forced to shoot something...or someone.  
How did you do this? 

Hamm:  It's all part of the miracle of cloning. 

[The group enters the main lobby of the Visitor's Centre, formerly a large restaurant on the Promenade] 

Hamm:  [Steps in front of a holographic projector, and activates it] 

Hologram:  [Looks exactly like Hamm] Hi everyone.  Hello John. 

Hamm:  That's right, I have lines!  Where's my damned script!? 

Hologram:  While John is looking for his lines, I'll- 

Hamm:  I found them.  Okay I'll need a sample of your DNA. 

Hologram:  DNA!?  I'm a holographic image!  Can't you see that? 

Hamm:  Just pretend! 

Hologram: What is this - Mr.Dressup's happy hour? 

Hamm:  Why you pompous, fat little...[he attacks the hologram, who doubles himself.  So now [Hamm  is 
fighting with a hologram, while an identical one is explaining] 

MacOlm:  Let's get ready to rumble. 

Hologram2#:  We take some DNA from the blood we extracted from a fossilized mosquito.  We mix it 
with some alien amphibian DNA, stuff the entire mix into an ostrich egg, fertilize it and hatch it.  They're all 
female, because we don't want the same thing to happen like the events in that old Earth movie, everyone 
was so fond of.  We control their genes. So, any questions? 

MacOlm:  Yeah, how do you moralize playing God? 

Hologram2#:   How should I know?  Next question. 

Worf:  Why are you the most arrogant artificial being I've ever encountered? Excluding Data. 

[Worf grabs a phaser, and destroys the holo-emitter, and Hamm gets up from his fight] 

Hamm:   Holographic bastards!  Never fight fair. 

Picard:  Can we get on with this? 

Hamm:   I've just got to pick up my grand kids, Timmy and Alexa. 

Wesley: Grandpa! 

McDonough:   Grandpa! 

Worf:   The boy!? 

Picard:   Oh, hell.  I don't want to ride with him! 

Crusher:   Leader of the Canadian New Democratic Party, Alexa McDonough? 

Wesley:   Hi Captain!  They couldn't afford the real actors, so we got stuck with them. 

Worf:   It is too bad we did not get REAL actors. 

Picard:   Worf! 

Worf:   Sir, permission to disembowel Mr.Crusher. 

Picard:   Permission...grant- 

Crusher:   NO! 

Worf:   Very well, but they are riding by themselves, with...Matlock! 

Matlock:   Momma, NO! 

Worf:   I am not your mother.  You are a bigger wimp than the boy. 

Hamm:   Get back on the carts people!  Our tour has just begun. 

Crusher:   Permission to stay behind Capatin. 

Picard:   Why is that, Doctor? 

Crusher:   I don't feel like getting eaten by a forty foot tall lizard today, sir. 

Picard:   Granted.  Climb aboard, everyone. 

[Picard, Worf and MacOlm go in the second cart, which looks like the old earth model jeeps with neon 
paint, and Wesley, {Timmy} and Alexa, {Alexis}, and a screaming Matlock, climb onto the first] 

[Meanwhile, aboard the Enterprise] 

LaForge:  Sir, I'm detecting distress calls from all over the ship. Apparently someone is playing a sick 
joke about the Borg.  We've had four hundred complaints. 

Riker:   Tell me Geordi, how would a Borg get aboard this ship? 

LaForge:   Maybe it's Hawk? 

Riker:   Yeah, right. 

Troi:   Well I think this sounds serious.  Let's send a security team patrolling the ship. 

Riker:   Quite frankly Deanna, you don't know squat about command, and leave the real work to the big 
boys!  Go away, and sense something, empath. 

Troi:   Will, I do feel something violent, something towards... Someone is going to hit you! 

Riker:   Who Deanna?  I need names! 

Troi:   TAKE A WILD GUESS!! [Smack!] 

[Meanwhile, again, aboard the Ente...I meant to say Deep Space Nine] 

Picard:   Who votes for a new Narrator? 

MacOlm and Worf:   ME! 

[Ahh, shut up!] 

Picard:   Wow, this thing has an Independent Computer System. 

MacOlm:   ICS? 

Worf:   [Watching out the window as he looks at the transformed corridor] We're approaching the first 
habitat.  Silence! 

Picard:   What are we looking for? [Joking]  A girl friend for Worf? 

MacOlm:   [Heh ha!] Why didn't you just say, Mission: Impossible! 

Worf:   If you were any other man, I would kill you where you stand! 

MacOlm:   It's such a shame I'm sitting down. 

Worf:   [Grabs MacOlm by the neck and begins strangling him viciously] 

Picard:   Enough Mr.Worf, save your strength for when the dinosaurs break loose! 

Worf:   Very well. 

Announcer:   First on your tour of Jurassic Park, is the Dilophosaurus, it's got poison spit, it's a carnivore, 
and looks like a walking umbrella.  These characteristics make Dilophosaurus a beautiful, but deadly 
addition to Jurassic Park.  You won't see any, because, well, we just couldn't build the models right. 

Worf:   This sucks! 

Picard:   Have patience Mr.Wor...I forgot I was talking to a Klingon. 

Worf:   Hey!! 

MacOlm:   [Speaking into camera] I think you're supposed to have dinosaurs on a dinosaur tour! 

Worf:   We're approaching the tyrannosaur paddock. 

Picard:   How'd you know that? 

Worf:   It's in my script. 

[In the Enterprise transporter room..] 

Riker:   Okay, disabling all power systems, lowering security fields, taking sensors offline...no    one will 
notice.  Okay, DS9's entire power grid is offline! 

[Doors open] 

Guard:   Sir, there's a Borg killing everything out in the hallway...what are you doing? 

Riker:   Playing Daboo! [Stuns the guard with a phaser blast, then runs to the transporter pad, and beams 
away] 

LaForge:   Counselor, I've- 

Troi:   Please Geordi, call me acting Captain Troi. 

LaForge:  Counselor...I'm detecting a transport in progress, it's unauthorized.  It looks like Commander 
Riker. 

Troi:   Will?  Oh no!  He's gone over to steal the Daboo wheels for the Enterprise!  Red Alert! 

LaForge:   Why Counselor? 

Troi:   I've always wanted to say that. 

Nerdy:   What's going on!? 

Data:   It appears that the author is erratically changing scenes. 

Nerdy:   No!  The entire powergrid is offline!  The force fields for the animal cages are shutting down! 

Muldoon:   Are the Raptor fences down? 

Data:   Who was that? 

Nerdy:   Someone that's not supposed to be in this parody!  Get out Muldoon! 

Data:   They're approaching the T-rex paddock.  Is that bad? 

Nerdy:   They might get eaten. 

Data:   Interesting. 

[Meanwhile in the second car...] 

MacOlm:   What'd I touch? 

[All power suddenly shuts off in the car] 

Worf:   Maybe Ro was right.  Captain, permission to exit the car, and shoot anything that moves outside. 

Picard:   Well...[Picard's attention is shifted as the force fields de-activates, and the coils for the fifty foot 
high fence are pulled away, and a giant dinosaur steps out of its' habitat, and onto what used to be the 
Promenade] 

MacOlm:   Looks like my last mother-in-law. 

[In the first car...] 

Matlock:   Let me out of here!!!!!!  This boy's driving me bananas!!! [Matlock runs out of the car and 
looks up at T-rex]  Nice dinosaur. 

[The T-rex looks like it's smiling as it grabs Matlocks' torso, and begins to swing him through the air] 

Alexa:   He left us!!  HE LEFT US!! 

Wesley:   Where is Mr.Matlock anyway?  I wanted to show him my lint collection I got from mom's 
clothes drier. 

[Suddenly the lower half of Matlock's legs slams into the plexiglass roof of the car] 

Both grandkids:   AAAHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHH! 

Wesley:   MOMMY! 

Alexa:   PRIME MINISTER!!! 

[Scene shifts to the other car] 

Picard:   Okay Mr.Worf, now you can try and lure the T-rex away from the carwhile we rescue the kids, 
well..Alexa anyway. 

Worf:   With the upmost of pleasure, SIR!! [Worf climbs out and starts blasting everything. T-rex butts 
Worf through Garek's Taylor shop window] 

MacOlm:   That worked quite well. [Turns to Picard] Give me your phaser! 

Picard:   No!  It's mine!  You can't have it!  Get your own! 

MacOlm:   Do you want the kids to live? 

Picard:   I don't know about young Crusher... 

MacOlm:   Give it to me! [Take phaser] Hey T-rex man!  Hey come and get me!  See phaser?  Phaser 
stupid! [Fire a shot] That's right come and get...Ahh! 

Picard:   [Watches the T-rex eat MacOlm] That was quite unpleasant.  Kids! 

Wesley:  [Getting out of the car] Captain! 

Alexa:   Captain! 

[Picard grabs the kids, and dives over the railing edge, just as the T-rex noticed them, they fall, and a 
whole bunch of gory stuff, and land in a small brook] 

Splash! 

Picard:   Everybody all right? 

Alexa:   Captain look! 

[A small Compy approaches them] 

Wesley:   It's not scared of us. 

[Picard blasts the dinosaur, and it's body parts scatter all over the brook] 

Captain:   Now it has a reason.  Let's go, we need to find some place to sleep tonight. 

Wesley:   Sleep!?  Are you nuts?  This has become Horror land!  I say we- 

Picard:   Wesley, you see what happened to that Compy, there? 

Wesley:   Uh-huh. 

Picard:   The same thing's going to happen to you, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!!! 

Wesley:   I'm gonna tell my Mommy! 

[T-rex roars can be heard in the distance] 

Alexa:   He left us!!  He left us!! 

Picard:   Shut up, both of you! 

[In Quark's bar] 

Riker:   Yes, it worked perfectly! 

[Riker prepares to beam away, when he hears a low growl across the room. Not seeing anything, he 
walks over to the light switch, and flicks it on and off very fast, and spies movement across the lounge] 

Riker:   Oh. No. [Whispering] Riker to Enterprise, beam me...AHHHHHHH! 

[Transporter Room] 

LaForge:   Energizing Commander. 

[Lights swirl, and Will beams up, along with a massive Carnotaur] 

Riker:   Run Geordi!  RUN!! 

LaForge:   [Grabs Riker and dashes out of the room] LaForge to Bridge: we have another small problem 
besides the rogue Borg. 

Crusher:   [Drives up in a spare cart with Data] 

Data:   I will survey the damage.  It appears that a large dinosaur escaped from here. 

Crusher:   You think!?  A couple billion ton lizard stayed in there Data. 

Data:   I believe a Tyrannosaur is not a couple billion- 

Crusher:   Shut up, Data. 

Data:   I have found, that in a lot of Star Trek parodies, that's about all everyone ever says to me.  I have 
feelings too you know!! 

Crusher:   ...Shut up Data!  What's this!?  It looks like part of Matlock.  EWW! 

Data:   This appears to be his lower legs over here, Doctor.  I believe I have found what is left of  
Mr.MacOlm. 

Crusher:   Yuck.  Hey!  It looks as if something went over here!  Data look! Footprints!  Wesley lives! 

Worf:   [From in the Taylor shop] NO! 

Data:   Worf?  Are you alive? 

Worf:   Shut up and get me out of here, before I blast you! 

Crusher:   Did anyone escape, besides Wesley? 

Worf:   I believe Capain Picard and Hamm's grandaughter.  She is the ugliest creature.. 

Data:   Lie still Lieutenant, you have multiple fractures in your left leg. 

Worf:   Nonsense, I feel glorious...OUCH!!  Perhaps I will lie still. 

Crusher:   Let's get him back to the cart! 

[Thump] 

Worf:   Did you feel that? 

Crusher:   What? 

Data:  A seizmic vibration? 

Worf:   Run!! 

[The T-rex bursts throught the wall, as the three climb aboard and gun the engine] 

Worf:  Must go quicker!!  Must go quicker!! 

Crusher:   Isn't this the spot where the dramatic music is supposed to come in? 

[I'll put some on right now] 

Crusher:   Thank-you, Mr.Narrator.  Excuse me.  AHHHHH!  We're all gonna die!! 

WILL EVERY ONE DIE?  WILL WILL GET OVER HIS DABOO OBSESSION?  WILL HAWK 
BE STOPPED?  WILL THE CARNOTAUR BE CAPTURED?  WILL PICARD AND THE 
ENTERPRISE CREW SAVE THE DAY LIKE ON EVERY OTHER EPISODE?  WILL THE 
NARRATOR STOP ASKING QUIESTIONS WITH 'WILL'? 

[Dramatic music] 

TO BE CONTINUED . . . 

So wait are you waiting for?  READ PART TWO! 
 

Part 2: Think they'll have this on the Tour? 

Computer voice that sounds exactly like Lwaxanna Troi:  Last time on Star Trek, The Next Generation... 

Picard:   Set course for Deep Space Nine, Mr.Hawk, warp eight! 

Hawk:   I was going to say the Borg King! 

Worf:  The boy? 

Hamm:   It's all a part of the miracle of cloning! 

Data:   Who was that? 

Troi:   Will?  Oh no, he's gone over to the Station to steal the daboo wheels! 

LaForge:   We have a bigger problem than just a rogue Borg. 

Nerdy:   The powergrid is offline! 

Crusher:   Wesley lives! 

Worf:   NO! 

Picard:   Everybody all right? 

Crusher:   Were all gonna die!!! 

Computer voice that sounds too much like Lwaxanna Troi:   And now the spine-tingling conclusion...hold 
on to your seats! 

[Aboard the Enterprise, Sickbay's ER-on call is Doctor Crusher, Nurse Ogawa, and George Klooney] 

Ogawa: Lie still!  This won't take that long! 

Riker:   How long should it take for you to seal a bite the size of this ship!? 

Ogawa:   I'll be right back, SIR! 

[Troi and LaForge enter] 

Troi: [starting calmly] Will...THAT WAS PRETTY DAMNED STUPID!! 

LaForge: We now have a genetic monster on this ship, sir.  AND ALL THANKS TO YOU!! 

Riker:   I'm still the commanding officer at the moment so, NO YELLING!! 

LaForge:   Sorry sir.  Security hasn't captured the beast or Hawk yet, sir. 

Riker:   Glad to hear it, yadayadayada...pass me that epidermal regenterator, please? 

[LaForge hands him the instrument] 

Riker:   Anyway, this is taking too long. [He activates the device] 

[Ogawa re-enters] 

Ogawa: Will!!  Don't!! That's a- 

[SLICE!  SIZZLE!  SPLAT!] 

Riker:   AHHH!  My arm!! 

Ogawa:   I tried to warn you.  That was a laser scalpel. 

Troi:   Ouch. 

[A sudden banging on the door makes everyone look] 

Ogawa:   What was that? 

LaForge:   Hawk's trying to get in. [Studying Tricorder] 

Ogawa:   Maybe he would like a nice analgesic cream for those implants! 

All:   Alyssa!  NO! 

Ogawa:   Fine. 

LaForge:  Alyssa, you wimpy pansy!!!  We can escape into the Jeffrey's tubes, but we need a diversion. 

Ogawa:   Computer, activate EMH. 

Computer voice that sounds unmistakably like Deanna's mother:   In this series there is no EMH present, 
please...check aboard Voyager.  Maybe they'll let you borrow Robert Picardo? 

LaForge:   Those greedy snobs on Voyager!? [A slight pause]  Doctor, friends, citizens, commanding 
officers, Batman - 

Riker:   Get on with it Geordi!! 

LaForge:  We are in trouble. 

Ogawa:   No kidding? 

[Aboard the Station] 

Crusher:   How did we escape from that T-rex? 

Data:   Apparently the author left that part of the story out so the reader could use his or her imagination. 

Worf:   Data? 

Data:   Yes, Worf? 

Worf:   ...Shut up before I blow every processor in your fat head, out! 

Data:   Yes, Lieutenant, I will comply with your wish. 

Worf:   Are we there yet? 

Crusher:   No. 

Worf:   [Pauses] Are we there yet? 

Crusher:   [Screams]   NO! 

Worf:  Very well. 

Data:  What is that? 

Crusher:  Hold on, I'll check. 

Worf:   It's okay, I'll probably end up blasting it to smithereens, whatever it is. 

Crusher:   Worf!  You really need some shore leave. 

[Crusher opens a small hatch in the roof and peers out] 

Crusher:   It's a baby dinosaur!  How cute! 

Worf:   I think I'm going to gag. 

Data:   If I had throat muscles, I think I would as well. 

[Crusher retrieves the baby] 

Worf:   You should not tamper with new born creatures, Doctor.  Let's kill it, and put it out of it's misery 
of you taking care of it. 

Crusher:   Hey! 

Data:   Let us hurry back to the Visitor's Centre before the parents come and trash our craft, shall we? 

Worf:   I guess we shall. 

[In the stream] 

Picard:   This is taking forever.  Any idea where we are? 

Wesley: I'd say we're in the Outer Docking Ring. 

Picard:   Why? 

Wesley:   Because there are about fifty ships back there in the hangar we passed. 

Picard:   WHAT!? 

Wesley:   There about fifty ships in that hangar we passed. 

Picard:   You didn't tell us!? 

Alexa:   We could get off the Station! 

Wesley:   How?  They all looked rusty, and broken.  I'd say it was a dump. 

Picard: We must not let any opportunities pass us by!  We need a ship! 

Wesley:   How is that going to get us back to the Enterprise? 

Picard:   You twit!!  Think!!!!  How thick are your cranial plates? [Pauses] Narrator?  Can you put us 
back on the Enterprise? 

[No] 

Picard:   Why not? 

[Because there has to be at least some plot to this sob story] 

Picard:   I see.  Could you at least put us back to the where Wesley saw that shipyard dump? 

[Oh sure. {POP!}] 

Picard:   Thanks, I'll owe you one. 

[It's your funeral] 

Picard:   What'd he say? 

Alexa:   Something about a mackerel... 

Picard:   Whatever.  We're here.  Wesley, seal the bay door! 

Wesley:   I don't see a seal... 

Picard:   Shut the door up tight dammit!  Along with your mouth! 

Wesley:   Yes, Captain, sir. 

Picard:   Alexa, hold my pack for me please?  And while you're doing that, search for an operational ship 
over there. 

Alexa:   Yes Mr. Picard sir.  [Wanders over towards a few ruined ships.  Suddenly a Raptor Lurches 
from the darkness, and tackles her.  She lands face down with the dinosaur eating at the back pack] 

Picard:   Run!!  RUN!! 

[Alexa squirms out of the way, and charges over toward Picard, but another Raptor lurches from behind 
a ship, grabbing Alexa and mangling her in a vicious display of guts and gore] 

Picard:  Alexa!!!!  WHY!?  WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN THE BOY!!?? 

Wesley:  What'd I do? 

Picard:  Well,no loss to Canada. 

[The Raptors converge on Picard and Wesley who take the dinosaur all over the dump, jumping in and 
out through windows, over cars...I forgot, no cars in Star Trek.  Even at one point Picard locks himself in 
a shuttle, and a Raptor smashed through the glass] 

Picard:  I really don't want to say this, but...WESLEY!!!! HELP...ME!!!!!!!! 

Wesley:  AYE SIR!!!! [Wesley tries to act brave but makes a total fool of himself trying to do some 
gymnastics on some piping, and falls flat on his rear] Youch!! 

Picard:  This is going to take a miracle...! 

[Raptor lunges, and Picard and the boy are beamed away instantly, before the dinosaur strikes] 

[Enterprise Bridge, where the they re-appear] 

Riker:  Sir!  Are you okay? 

Picard:  Well...I've been chased by Compys, attacked by several Raptors, almost eaten by a T-rex... 

Troi:  Sounds like you had fun.  It's a good way to release stress- 

Picard:   Please Counselor, save your useless counselling techniques for another story. 

LaForge:   I'll head back to Engineering. 

Riker:   Why?  We have a Borg on the ship which is just killing everybody, and a flesh eating lizard the 
size of a small bus. 

Wesley:   Orders sir? 

Picard:   Mr.Crusher, you're SUPPOSED to be Hamm's grandson Timmy remember?  You can't be a 
part of the crew unless the author wants you to. [Picard prays silently] 

Riker:   We can't get a lock on the others sir.  There appears to be some kind of interference. 

Picard:   Probably from you trying to steal those damned daboo wheels!!! 

Riker:   [Sighes] Daboo....... 

Troi:   Captain?  What about Data?  And Beverly?  And Worf...OHH WHAT A BABE!! [Blushes] 
Oops!  I said the loud part quiet, and the quiet part loud! 

Riker:   Are the Raptors contained? 

Picard:   I imagine Number one.  Unless they've figured out how to use the transporters! [Laughs] 

[Aboard the Station, the Raptor's claws tap against a console left exposed, and with a bit of spell-bound 
music, they beam away] 

Data:   I am detecting a transport in progress. 

Nerdy:   Never mind that!!  We've got a bigger problem! 

Crusher:   What?  The baby's safe, and we saved Worf. 

Worf:   YES!!  I will live another day! 

Nerdy: Yeah, but I think you got it's parents angry, Doctor! 

[A large T-rex head rips through the side wall, and everybody starts screaming...] 

[In Engineering...] 

LaForge:   Hey, Baker!  Find out why the temperature is going up in here.  Did I say that somewhere else 
before? 

Baker:   I don't think...yes you did!.  On- AKK!! 

Hawk:   Borg King lives!! [Kills Baker, and advances towards Geordi] 

[The Raptors appear in a transport beam by the warp core] 

LaForge:   What in the...!? 

Hawk:   Resistance is Futile! 

[Hawk jabs his nano injectors into one Raptor, the other rips Hawk to pieces.  Then the injected  Raptor 
kills the other dinosaur] 

Raptor/Borg:   We are Borg.  But frankly, I thought we were dinosaur.  No matter. 

[LaForge runs away] 

Raptor/Borg:   Assimilate this!  Wait, isn't that Worf's line? 

Nameless Ensign that will soon be dead:   You killed my brother, now- 

[Raptor/Borg slashes a claw across his chest, and various organs slip out] 

Ensign:   I'm gonna kill you........ 

Raptor/Borg:   That's my line! [Dinosaur/Borg crossbreed dashes off into the Jeffrey's  tubes...Hey stop 
that!!  Ouch!!  Ouch!!!!] 

[Bridge] 

Picard:   Wesley, what are you doing? 

Wesley:   Annoying the Narrator with a phaser. 

Picard:   Stop it boy, Worf, confine Crusher here, to the brig. 

Troi:   Worf's on DS9, sir. 

Picard:   Dammit!  But that felt good to say that anyway, Mr.Riker... 

Riker:   Number One, sir. 

Picard:   Very well then, Number One, go get a status report from security on our two dinosaurs, please. 

Riker:   That would be suicide go out there sir.  Send the boy. 

Picard:   Yes, Wesley.  Go to security, and get the report. 

Wesley:   Wha?  But sir, you said I wasn't part of the crew in this episode. 

Riker:   Wes, you were never a part of the crew. 

[Suddenly the viewer comes on] 

Crusher:   [Over the comm] Jean-Luc, we have problems!! 

Riker:   [Gapes at the giant t-rex head coming throught the wall] Holy 4315!!!!! 

Troi:   Will, trying hitting the shift button. 

Riker:   Hit what?  Oh....Holy $#!% !!!!! 

Picard:   We have problems of our own, Beverly. 

Crusher:   Data has found a transporter. It only has enough charge for one person to beam through the 
interference. 

Picard:   Send Data. 

Crusher:   But Jean-Luc, I thought you loved me!  LOVED ME!!!! 

Troi:   You really need a break Bev, I can schedule you in for a five  o'clock session? 

Riker:   Deanna! 

Troi:   Will! 

Picard:   Shut up!  Beverly, send Data!!! 

Crusher:   Aye sir. [Comm breaks] 

LaForge:   [From the Science Station] Sir, I'm monitoring a transmission.  It's from the new Borg  on the 
ship. 

Picard:   You got up here quick.  Very well, Goerdi, let's evesdrop. 

Communication- 
Raptor/Borg:   Operator, could you please link me with the Borg collective? 

Operator:   Collect?  Hold on.  [Pause] Yes, they'll take it. 

Borg Voice:   We are Borg, please hold. [Suddenly Tom Jones music blasts  through the speakers, and 
the Borg finally come back] How can we help?  Do you require immediate assimilation or can you wait? 
We have a busy schedule and... 

Raptor/Borg:   We  have become the new Borg King, check the i.d.  We require immediate assistance.  
This ship, the Enterprise- 

Borg voice:   Please, we had so much trouble from that ship!!  Just last season they crippled- 

Raptor/Borg:   We need help!!!  Do it now, or we will report you to the queen! 

Borg voice:   Good Grief! [Pause] We never should have assimilated Charlie Brown into the collective.  
We will be within range in hours.  Satisfied, your majesty? 

Raptor/Borg:   Quite.  Out. 

LaForge:   That's it Captain. 

Picard:  Go to Red Alert. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Narrator:   Based on the new sci-fi hit... 

Announcer:   Coming this Fall...the ultimate battle of the Federation of Planets...it's Star Trek Troopers!!! 

Picard:   You shoot anything that has two legs and- 

Worf:   Aye, sir!!!! [Mows down a few Ensigns with his phaser] 

Picard:   And scales!!! 

Announcer:   From deep within the galaxy comes the ultimate enemy! 

Sisko:   They're coming!! 

Kira:   SHOOT!!! 

[A wave of Baby Bops swarms over the Federation base] 

LaForge:   Ahh!!  One's got me!! [He's grabbed up into the mouth of one of the green dinosaurs, and 
heaved over the wall] 

Announcer:   The ultimate test of courage...! 

Dax:   What now? 

Data:   I do not think we want to know. 

[A giant Barney rips up through the ground, and starts singing songs] 

Troi:   Ah!  Cover your ears!! 

Rom:   Speak for yourself!!! 

All:   AHHHHHH!!!!!! 

Annonucer:   Will they survive? 

Worf:   [With a missle-launcher-sized phaser rifle] Death to all Purple Dinosaurs!! [Fires a Blast that 
blows Barney in half] 

Dax:   You did it Worf!! 

Worf:   What a glorious victory!! 

O=Brian:   What's that sound? 

Riker:   I thinks it's...kids crying? 

Odo:   It's the little kids!!!  Everybody run for your lives!! 

Crusher:   They're being led by...Wesley!? 

Picard:   The boy!? 

Wesley:   You made Barney go bye-bye!!!  Attack!! 

Worf:   Save me from the little ones!  Rahhhhh!!! 

Announcer:   Yes, the Federation's greatest war, coming to you this fall! 

Picard:   What have we done?  AKK! 

Announcer:   The ninth addition to the Star Trek saga, it's:'Star Trek Troopers' 

Data:   Maybe we should have gone with the insects. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

[Bridge] 

Picard:   This is bad.  Very bad. 

Troi:   Please Captain, stop doing cartoon impressions. 

Picard: Very well. 

Captain's log: 
The Enterprise will soon be destroyed, thanks to Paramount's cutbacks.  Using Hawk and a genetic 
dinosaur, the Borg have been summoned back to invade the Federation. 

[Visitor's Center, a little down and to the left of Ops] 

Nerdy:   Worf, blast that thing!!! 

Worf:   Finally, someone who wants me to kill something! [Takes his Mek'leth and charges] 

Crusher:   Worf, it won't help!!!! 

Worf:   We shall see!! 

Picard:   [Over comm] We've broken through the interference, stand by for beam out. 

[The T-rex finally breaks through the wall, grabbing Nerdy in it's jaws and almost steps on Worf as he 
beamed away] 

[Enterprise, Engineering] 

LaForge:   Got em' Cap! 

Picard:   That's Mr.Cap- to you!  Very good. 

Crusher:   Ever notice in our adventures every body else always gets killed but not us? 

Troi:   Coincidence? 

Picard:   So everyone, what's the moral of today's story? 

Wesley:   Never look a gift Brachiosaur in the mouth? 

Picard:   Well, thank-you Aesop! 

Worf:   Morals are for wimps, like the Boy over there! 

Wesley:   Why does everyone always pick on me? 

Worf:   It is what we do best. 

Raptor/Borg:   Ahh, Locutus, there you are! 

Picard:   I don't think so pal. 

Raptor/Borg:   It is our mission to bring you back to the collective, dead or alive! [Extends claws] 

Troi:   Take me instead! 

Raptor/Borg:   Betazed female, empathic, age- 

Troi:   You want your guts ripped out, buddy? 

Raptor/Borg:   [Panicking]  Age is irrelevant!!!!...she is of no use to us. [Continues scanning] We want 
you Picard!!!  The others have scanned negative! 

Worf:   WHAT!?  I shall kill you with my bare hands, I will rip out your esophagus, and- 

[Raptor/Borg lunges at Picard, slow motion scene] 

Picard:   N...o...o...o...o! 

Riker:   Cap...tain!  We...'ll...sav...e...you! 

Wesly:   A...h...h...h...h...h! 

Worf:   If...thi...s...doe...sn't...stop...s...oon...I...wi...ll...kill...som...ebody!!! 

[Enough of that] 

[A crashing noise makes everybody jump, and the Carnotaur beaks through the bulkheads, and snatches 
the Raptor/Borg in it's jaws, and hurls him into the warp core] 

Picard:   Security! [Looks at the Core] She's a gonna blow!  Scotty, stop that thing! 

LaForge:   Sorry, sir.  Wrong Chief Engineer. 

Picard:   Seal the breech!! 

Wesley:   I still don't see that seal, and as for a breeching whale... 

All:   Ah, SHUT UP WESLEY!!! 

[Ready Room] 

Captain's log, final entry for this particular episode: 
We barely managed to escape the Borg's sensors when they arrived, but we were well on our way by 
then.  I must admit it's been a strange few days, and am glad to have my Ready  Room back, Red Rose 
free.  Admiral Hamm has assured me that the Station will be destroyed, along with the dinosaurs, even 
though that whiner, Sisko, protested.  We're on course for some Starbase, I haven't a clue which one.  
M.I.B. agents have arrived and taken away the dinosaurs, considering they were of half-alien blood.  
Even though the events 
these past few days have not given me much time to think, I have a strange idea that... this is going to 
sound stupid...dinosaurs evolved into birds! 

Data:   You are correct Captain, that is quite amusing. 

Picard:   DATA!!!!  Don't interrupt my log recordings!!! 

[Final Scene-The Enterprise is slowly drifting along in space, and a flock of Pelicans flies by in front of the 
ship]