Deep Space Nine and the Attack of the Television Network Executives

Location: Ops on a typical day, all of the DS9 crew is there, including Jake
who is helping O'Brien work on the Quibildy Doop Whatsisits.  Suddenly, the 
transporter activates and three men in expensive suits appear.

Sisko:  What the...!?  Who are they!?  O'Brien, did you beam those guys up?
O'Brien:  No sir!  Jake?
Jake:  Don't look at me!
Suit #1:  Hmmm, well guys, it looks like we have our work cut out for us.
Suit #2:  Yes we do indeed.
Sisko:  Who are you people?
Suit #1:  Ah, you must be Avery Brooks.  Listen babe, NBC bought the 
        rights to Deep Space Nine and we're here to make a few changes to 
        increase the ratings.
Sisko:  Changes?  Who is NBC?  And who is this Avery Brooks guy?
Suit #3:  [to O'Brien]  Colm, test audiences like you because you remind 
        them of Scotty.  We want to exploit that.
O'Brien:  What the hell...  [Suit snaps his fingers]  ...are ye talkin' 
        about?  What the...!?  Why am I talkin' like this?  Arrrgh!  I 
        canna take much more!
Sisko:  What did you do to him!?
Suit #2:  [ignoring Sisko]  All rightly then.  Who's next?  Oh yeah, [goes 
        to Dax] Terry, we want to make you look more beautiful to attract 
        more horny teen-agers.
Dax:  Huh?  [suit snaps finger and instantly Dax is wearing a short 
        miniskirt-uniform]  Wow!
Sisko:  THAT'S  ENOUGH!!!  Odo, take care of these guys!
Odo:  With pleasure sir.
Suit #1:  Oh yes, Rene, you play the shapeshifter who got his powers taken 
        away from him, right?
Odo:  How did you know about that?
Suit #1:  Our test audiences think that you aren't interesting anymore, so 
        you're off the show.
Odo:  I don't have time to listen to this, you're under... [suit snaps 
        fingers and Odo disappears]
Sisko:  What did you do to him!?
Suit #2:  Oh, don't worry Avery, he'll do a guest shot about once or twice 
        a season.  But in the mean time, we've got a brand new security 
        chief for you.  [the turbolift rises out of the floor revealing 
        Tasha Yar in a DS9 uniform]
O'Brien:  Tasha!  Lass!  What are ye doin' here?  You're suppose ta be dead!
Yar:  I don't fell dead.
Sisko:  Worf, draw your phaser!
Worf:  Gladly sir.
Sisko:  FIRE!  [Worf shoots the Suits with the phaser.  No effect]
Worf:  I don't understand it!  I was shooting rats with it this morning!
Suit #1:  OK, now we have this issue with you Michael [points to Worf]  
        Audiences don't think you're warm and loving enough.
Worf:  Klingons are NOT warm and loving.
Suit #1:  Whatever, well, we've decided to bring Alexander onto the show.
Worf:  Who?
Kira:  Your son.
Worf:  Oh...  Oh God, NO!
Alexander:  [emerging from behind Yar]  Hi daddy!
Worf:  Alexander...  It is... [ick]  good to see... [to suits]  Don't do 
        this to me!
Suit #3:  [to Jake] Now, Cirroc,  quite frankly your character isn't going 
        anywhere.  Hmmmm...Can I here you say, "What you talkin' 'bout, 
        Willis?"
Jake:  What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?  [covers his mouth and looks 
        surprised]
Suit #2:  No, no, no!  The sassy black kid craze died in the '80's!
Suit #3:  Perhaps you're right...  What if we made him a genius?
Suit #1:  Like Wesley Crusher!
Suit #3:  Precisely!  [snaps finger]
Jake:  What the...!?  Chief, perhaps if you reversed the quasimodo retro 
        ganimeed array, you could get more spectral cohesion from the beta 
        alpha particle generators!
O'Brien: The particle generator!  Why lad!  You canna just bypass the 
        tetrehedral hybeepostrals like that!
Jake:  Don't talk back to me you old coot!
Sisko:  Stop this!  You can't just come in here and change what you please!
Suit #1:  [to Kira and Bashir]  Now, Nana and Alex, test audiences think 
        that this show needs more love and gratuitous nudity, so we want 
        you too to fall in love.
Kira:  THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS...  Why, Julian, have you always had such 
        beautiful eyes?
Bashir:  And have those ridges on your nose always been that sexy?
Kira:  Take me now Julian!
[Bashir and Kira start having a heavy makeout session behind the science 
        station.  As they drop out of view, various articles of clothing 
        fly everywhere.]
Sisko:  THAT'S ENOUGH!!!  [Sisko marches to the Suits and stands less than 
        an inch from his face]  I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHO YOU ARE OR WHERE 
        YOU COME FROM, BUT I WANT YOU OFF MY STATION!!!
Suit #3:  Yes!  Avery!  You just gave me a great idea!  From now on, we 
        want you to wear sunglasses and an earring.
Suit #1:  Oooo, can you change your name to Hawk?
Sisko:  [trying to pull sunglasses off of his head]  Hawk!?
Suit #2:  That's the spirit!
Suit #1:  One more thing, test audiences really like your fatherly 
        qualities, so we want Sisko to adopt a cute blonde Macually 
        Culkin-type kid.
Kid:  [jumping into Sisko's arms]  Test audiences find me irrwesistable!
Sisko:  [dropping kid] Well, I find you wepulsive!
Well, we've done our job here.  Let's go visit the Babylon 5 sets now.
Suit #1:  Remember guys, keep those ratings up!
        [the suits disappear leaving Sisko in Ops which is now bustling 
        with activity.  Jake and O'Brien are arguing about gingivitis 
        flabegastral doohickeys.  Bashir and Kira are more than likely 
        making passionate love out of sight behind the science station, 
        Worf, Tasha, and Alexander are yelling at each other about 
        security procedures,  and Dax is parading her new uniform for 
        Quark.  Sisko rubs his temples, then walks slowly into his 
        office, shutting the door behind him.]
Sisko:  Captain's log, Stardate 49999.9:  Deep Space Nine is under siege by
        strange lifeforms in expensive suits that appear to be able to 
        change people with the slightest whim.  Recommend starfleet place 
        DS9 under quarantine immediately!  Deep Space Nine just isn't safe 
        anymore!