a short fiction from the
?Paradigm of Uncertainty? universe
by Lori Summers
Hermione was awake but still. She was being careful not to move. She lay just where she was, keeping her eyes fixed on the ceiling of her bedroom. Maybe if I don?t move, it won?t be true. She was afraid to fully rejoin the world and realize that what had happened the night before hadn?t been a dream, but almost equally afraid to realize that it had been.
Of course, she had to move eventually. She turned her head slowly and looked to the other side of her bed. It was empty, but it was clear that it had not been so for the entire evening. The pillow bore the impression of someone?s head, and the covers had been flipped back when her erstwhile bed partner had gotten up.
She shut her eyes. It was ridiculous, it was impossible, it was?she didn?t know what else it was. Inexplicable. She wished she had a convenient excuse to explain her actions. Being drunk would have done nicely. She wished she?d had one of those blackouts people were always having in books and movies. Then she could have lain here and merely wondered who she?d brought to bed the night before instead of wondering if this was the end of everything.
But she did know who she?d brought to bed, and she remembered exactly what had happened. It was ironic that after years of surviving so many potentially intimate situations without broaching their carefully protected platonic friendship, she and Harry had fallen victim to such a classic, even clich?d scenario.
She had been so upset when she?d come home the night before. After almost two years, she had finally gotten up the nerve to break up with Abel. He hadn?t put up nearly as much of a fight as she?d feared he might. No, he?d been far subtler. No mere temper-tantrum-throwing alpha-male was the renowned Abel Kilroy. He couldn?t just verbally berate her, he had to patronize and condescend to her and imply that his entire seduction of her had been one giant experiment in his grand quest for personal perfection. Moreover, if she wasn?t going to cooperate, he was better off with a more accommodating girlfriend. She?d been angry and hurt and still, unbelievably, drawn to him as she always had been.
She?d come home drained and broken, her bed welcoming her into its comforting arms and bearing her weeping until Harry had come home and found her. He had been, predictably, happy that she?d broken it off but distressed to find her so upset. He?d brought her tea and sat with her, holding her and comforting her as she released her bottled-up emotions with the kind of freedom that she only experienced with him.
Now, she wondered how she hadn?t known better, but at the time, it had seemed no different than the dozens?no, hundreds?of other times that they?d comforted each other. His touch, his presence, had been so familiar.
So what had been different? She had no idea. But she knew that?it had happened. The thing she?d feared and avoided and dreaded and, in some deep part of her brain she didn?t ever shine light into, hoped for.
First, it had been one kiss on the cheek. Then one on the lips. Then another?and then somehow she was naked and so was he and then before she knew what was happening he was inside her and they were wrapped in each other?s arms moaning each other?s names and surely she had dreamed it.
But she knew she had not dreamed it.
She rose and wrapped up in her bathrobe. She didn?t want to face him, but she had to. She had to know what this was, if it was anything. She had to know how bad it was.
She came into the kitchen and stopped, wanting a moment to watch him without having to face his reaction. He was standing at the stove, his back to her, stirring something. He was shirtless, clad only in jeans. He was leaning on one hand propped on the countertop, a posture that canted his back at an angle and stretched the muscles. The morning sunlight was on him and Hermione was overcome with an urge to just run her hands all over the smooth skin of his back. She closed her eyes, swallowing the impulse. It was silly. She?d seen him half-clothed hundreds of times and it had inspired no reaction beyond wondering if he were cold.
He looked over his shoulder and saw her, then turned and leaned against the countertop. His hair was tousled and the top button of his jeans was undone. Her eyes went on their own to the dark line of hair that started just below his navel. She dragged her gaze upwards and met his. ?Good morning,? he said, smiling a little.
?Good morning,? she managed to reply.
They just stood there for what felt like a very long time, a safe buffer of space between them in the morning kitchen. ?So,? he finally said, the word nearly lost in a sigh.
She just nodded, holding her robe more tightly around her.
He glanced back at whatever he?d been stirring. ?Want some cocoa??
?Sure,? she said, not because she really wanted some, but because it gave her something to say. She moved to sit at the countertop. At least it provided a reassuring barrier between them.
Harry handed her a mug. She turned it around and around before her, staring down at it, aware of his eyes on her. ?I don?t know who I am today,? she finally whispered. ?I don?t know who you are or what we?re doing here.?
She heard him set down his own mug. ?I?m sorry,? he said, quietly. ?It?s my fault.?
?No,? she said, looking up. ?Don?t say that.? She felt tears rise in her throat and choked them back with difficulty. ?Oh God?you know who I wish I could talk to right now??
?Who??
?Harry.?
She was afraid he wouldn?t understand what she meant, but she saw by the look on his face that he did. ?Yeah,? he said. ?I could really use Hermione?s advice right now myself.?
She shook her head. ?What did we do, Harry??
?We did what everyone always thinks we?ve already done, or are doing all the time, or should be doing any moment. We did what we swore we?d never do.?
?I never swore I wouldn?t.?
?Yes, you did, and so did I. We swore without saying it out loud. When Ron died, when we moved in here, when we became bloody everything for each other we promised that we?d never do this. Every time we met each other?s dates or went grocery shopping or planned birthday parties for each other. Every day in a thousand ways we promised.?
She sighed. ?I guess we did.? She got up and took her mug to the sink, cautiously coming out from behind the barrier between them. ?So now what??
He shrugged, but it was a hopeless, defeated gesture. ?I don?t know.?
She looked up at him. The sunlight outlined his features in a thin line of brilliance. ?Do we go on like it never happened??
He met her eyes. ?How can we possibly do that?? He shook his head. ?It?s surreal, it?s?it?s like the world ended and there?s this new one with new rules that I don?t understand.?
She turned towards him. ?I don?t know what to say or do or think. I can?t wrap my brain around this. I can?t?? She trailed off, her words drying up in her throat, all her rationality leaving her at the sight of his eyes fixed on hers.
?Maybe we?re overthinking things,? he said.
?How do you mean??
?Maybe?? His jaw worked over the word. ?Maybe it?s okay,? he finished, his voice hoarse.
?How can it be okay? If I ever lost you I wouldn?t know how to do anything. How can we just go on with our lives? Maybe some people could, but not us. Harry, you and I are scarcely two separate people. You?re my best friend, and I?without you I?m not me. We?re?friends. We?re just friends.?
?Are you sure?? he said, never taking his eyes off hers.
Hermione hesitated. ?No,? she breathed. ?And that?s the problem.?
Harry shook his head. ?I?m lost here, Hermione. There?s only one thing I can think to do.?
?What?s that??
In a quick, decisive motion, Harry stepped closer, reached out and seized her face in his hands. Before she even had time to react, he bent and kissed her with enough passion to take her breath away. She stiffened at first, startled and unsure what to do. Harry plunged his hands into her hair, his fingers caressing her scalp and his lips claiming hers with enough insistence that her resistance rapidly crumbled. After a few seconds her rational response had left her and she was kissing him back. She sagged into his arms, wrapping her own around his back, her hands finally able to touch his skin in the way they?d been craving since she?d seen him standing there at the stove.
Harry withdrew his hands from her hair without breaking their kiss and they dropped to the closure of her robe, slipping it open. Hermione was naked underneath, and a shiver ran through her as he spread her robe and slid his arms around her waist, drawing her tight against him. The length of her nude body pressed against him was intensely arousing, and to him as well judging by the hardness of the erection that she could feel through his jeans.
Harry turned them both in a circle and hoisted her up on the countertop, insinuating himself between her legs. Hermione ran her hands through his messy hair as his lips left hers. He held her hips tight against his as he placed warm kisses on her neck and shoulders. What am I doing? she thought, but the protest was a token one coming more from a sense of duty regarding their often-voiced insistences that their relationship was purely platonic than from a real desire to stop. She could tell herself that this was Harry and she didn?t feel that way about him, but the truth was that he didn?t seem like Harry right now, and she wanted him in a primal, sexual way that didn?t care about how things were supposed to be.
She shrugged her robe off and it pooled around her hips. Harry cupped her breasts, his touch full of greedy arousal. He ducked his head and she gasped as he drew her left nipple into his mouth. She dropped her hands to his jeans and eased his zipper down, slipping her hand inside. She felt a shudder run through him as he suckled her breasts and his penis filled her hand.
Harry shoved his jeans down to his knees and seized her around the waist, drawing her to the edge of the countertop. He raised his head and met her eyes, a question in them, waiting for her.
Hermione nodded, her breath coming fast. She hung onto his shoulders as he slid inside her, gasping as he buried himself deep. They were holding each other so tightly they could barely move, but to let themselves be any further apart would be even worse. She wrapped her legs around his waist and met his thrusts as best she could.
?Oh God?Hermione?? Harry moaned against her neck. She held him tighter, hearing almost nothing but his quick breathing and the roaring of the blood in her own ears.
?Yes, Harry,? she heard herself whisper. ?Oh yes?? She felt herself approaching orgasm, which was ridiculously fast. On the other hand, she had little experience being enthusiastically screwed on the kitchen counter by her lifelong best friend about whom she supposedly had no romantic feelings.
All at once she was there. Hermione sucked in a sharp breath and let it seize her, her jaw locking and a wave of spasms passing over her. Her hold on Harry?s shoulders tightened as she rode it through to the end, the world graying out around her. Harry thrust into her a few more times and came with a strangled groan, burying himself deeper and gripping her hips tightly.
They stayed there, holding each other, gasping for breath and feeling each other?s shudders. Harry drew back a little and met her eyes, then reached up and smoothed her hair back, cupping her face gently. He kicked his jeans away and withdrew, then plucked her off the countertop, her legs still around his waist, and carried her into the living room where he sat down on the couch and drew her down with him until they were both lying there, naked limbs intertwined.
Hermione didn?t know where she was. This wasn?t their flat. This wasn?t Harry, nor was it herself. She was lying in some forest glade in the arms of a nameless paramour that she could safely touch and feel and want and love.
They lay there for some time, she wasn?t sure how long. She thought they might have dozed off in each other?s arms. She did know that she spent most of the time endeavoring not to think about the implications.
Eventually, someone had to speak. She supposed it had to be her. She was the rational one, after all. But she couldn?t do it while lying here with him, so she got up and off the couch and retrieved her robe from the kitchen counter where it had been abandoned.
When she returned to the living room Harry was sitting up, but he?d drawn an afghan around himself. She sat down on the ottoman before him and took his hands. ?Okay,? she said. ?No more avoidance.?
?Okay.?
She met his eyes, hoping she had the strength to see this conversation through. ?Harry?I?what we?ve just done?it was amazing.?
He smiled a little. ?It was, wasn?t it??
She nodded. ?But I?I don?t?? All at once the words would not come. She bit her lip. ?You know, don?t you??
?Know what??
?That we?I mean??
He squeezed her hands. ?I?ve never seen you this inarticulate.?
?Harry, this is us. It?s us. Do you know what I mean??
He kept his eyes on their linked hands. ?Yes.?
?I know we?ve never talked about it, never even acknowledged it, but?you and I know, deep down, that?? She hesitated. She was about to say something out loud that had never been spoken before, or even referred to. ?We know that there?s an ?us? that?s waiting to happen?
He nodded, lifting his eyes to hers. ?I know.? He sighed. ?And this isn?t it, is it??
?No,? she whispered, the tears roughening her voice again. ?It?s not our time. Not yet.?
?How do you know?? he said, his eyes misting over. ?What if we want it to be??
?Oh, Harry. It doesn?t matter what we want. We have to be ready for it.? She held on to his hands. ?It?s too soon for us,? she said quietly.
He stood up and went to the window, his back to her. He didn?t seem to notice or care that he was still naked, the afghan he?d been using to cover himself staying behind on the sofa. He crossed his arms and spoke without looking around. ?I would have denied it if I were asked. I would have pushed it away if I ever thought about it. And yet?? Here he hesitated, and when he went on he sounded a little hoarse. ?I must have always known that it had to be us in the end, didn?t it? Who else could it be? Now I?m trying to imagine someone else I could be with for my whole life and there just isn?t anyone else.? Now he did turn around. ?There?s no one else for the forever. How could there be, when there?s you in the world??
She smiled. ?But we?re not ready for the forever yet, Harry. We have to be very, very careful. The?the ?us??it?s going to be so special.?
?Not just special,? he said, coming back to the couch. ?It?s going to be one for the books. No, it?ll make the ones in the books jealous.?
She nodded, smiling. ?All the more reason for us to be cautious. We can?t risk messing it up?and I think?much as I?? She cut herself off and cleared her throat. ?If we try to have that now we we?ll mess it up. We?re not ready for each other yet, Harry.?
?But how do you know that?? he said, vehement, leaning forward to grasp her forearms. ?Maybe we are!?
Her tears spilled over. ?You know that isn?t true. If we were ready?we wouldn?t have been so scared this morning when we woke up. I wouldn?t have felt like the world had come to an end when I realized what we?d done. And you wouldn?t be trying to talk yourself into it. Be honest with yourself, and with me. Do you feel ready for this yet??
He stared at her for a long moment, then dropped his eyes. ?No,? he said, almost too quietly to hear.
?Okay. So we have to leave this behind and wait for it to happen when it?s really time.?
?How can we go on like nothing happened?? he exclaimed. ?How can we face each other day after day knowing what?remembering what we?? He couldn?t continue.
Hermione sighed. The look on his face arrowed right through her?but there was a solution. ?I know, Harry. Things would never be the same. It might poison us. But I think?I think we could only go on if it never happened.?
?But it did happen. It?s too late to?? He broke off and stared at her and she saw that he?d just realized what she meant. ?Oh. You mean?if we forgot it. We could go on if we forgot it.?
She nodded slowly. ?It would be tricky but I think I can manage it. If it?s done right, then it would really be as if it never happened.?
He raked a hand through his hair. ?It doesn?t seem right. Just?erasing it. It feels obscene. It feels like an injury.?
?I?m not crazy about it either. But I will not jeopardize what we might have together down the road. And we both know that this wasn?t supposed to happen, not yet.? She reached out and grasped his chin, lifting his head to meet her eyes. ?Are we agreed??
He sighed, but nodded. ?Yes.?
?Okay.? She hesitated. ?But I don?t think I can do it right now.?
He frowned. ?Why not? Do you need to look something up??
?No,? she said, her voice quavering. ?I just don?t think I can bear it.? Her tenuous control gone, Hermione burst into tears.
Harry reached out and drew her into his arms and back onto the couch. He wrapped the afghan around both of them and stroked her back, murmuring meaningless syllables of comfort.
?I know we have to,? she said, still half-crying, ?but I don?t want to lose this. It just feels so good.?
?Shh,? he said, kissing her forehead. ?We?ll have it back. We?ll have it all back and more.?
She raised her head. ?Promise??
He smiled. ?I promise.?
She bent and kissed him. ?Good.? He reached up and brushed her tears away. ?Then take me to bed, Harry. Make love to me while I still have you.?
After some discussion, they decided to perform the Memory Charms at midnight. ?Like Cinderella?s carriage turning back into a pumpkin,? Hermione said. ?We?ll be ourselves again.?
?That?s not right,? Harry said. ?We?ll be not-ourselves again. I?m myself now, with you. Tomorrow I?ll go back to deep denial. I?ll be just-friends Harry again. I hate that guy.?
?It?s not forever,? she said, stroking his cheek as they lay cuddled together in her bed. ?And we won?t know any better. It?ll just be as if we never crossed that line.?
He held her tighter. ?At least we have today.?
?One day,? she whispered, her fingers tracing meaningless little patterns on his chest. ?One day to be us.? She raised her head. ?I thought my brain would be rebelling against this, insisting that it wasn?t right and giving me the whole he?s-just-your-best-friend line, but?it?s not.?
?I think my brain is relieved,? Harry said, smiling a little. ?It?s saying ?About time, Harry. Now I can take all that energy I spent denying that you were in love with Hermione and go build a better mousetrap.?? He started to chuckle but stopped when he saw the look on her face.
?You?re?in love with me?? she whispered.
He met her eyes. ?How can you ask me that?? he said, just as quietly. ?Don?t you know? Don?t you know there?s no one more important to me than you? Practically everything I do is for you, or because of you, or with you. I grew into a man by your side, and you shaped me with your very presence. How could I not love you??
Hermione had no response, so she just kissed him again, her tears falling onto his face.
They didn?t rise until almost noon. It was Saturday so Hermione was free of obligations, and Harry had been home from work?whatever his work was?since Wednesday. ?What do you want to do?? he asked as they sat at the kitchen table, ostensibly eating a much-needed lunch but in reality being exceedingly silly and giggly as they played footsie under the table and fed each other bites of chicken salad sandwich. ?One day to be us. How should we spend it??
She grinned, refusing to feel embarrassed at how buoyant and ecstatic she was. It?s only one day, just go with it, she told herself. ?Well, I?m tempted to say let?s spend it in bed having as much sex as we can physically stand.?
He leaned in and kissed her neck. ?That is tempting.? He gave her a deliciously devilish grin that she?d never seen on his face before but could definitely have stood to see again. ?You know, I have to admit that I?ve wondered now and again, but now I know.?
?Know what??
?That you may be a proper English witch on the surface, but that you?re a firecracker in bed.?
Hermione flushed and giggled again. ?Well, I always suspected that you?d be a truly outstanding shag.?
?You did, huh??
?Of course,? she said, looking at him sidelong, sliding one foot up his shin. ?I could tell just by the way you handle that broom. So?confident and forceful.? She slid a hand around the back of his neck, pulled his head towards her and kissed him, trying to infuse it with just a fraction of the arousal that he was inducing in her right now. By the look on his face when she let him go, she succeeded.
He sighed. ?Wow.?
Hermione ran her thumb over his finely-shaped lips. ?But we can?t just hole up here and make love all day, can we? If we only have this day, I want more,? she said, her buoyancy faltering a little at the thought of how this day would have to end.
?Name it. What do you want??
She folded her arms on the table and watched his face. She couldn?t seem to look anywhere but at him. She felt intoxicated and addicted and other normally inadvisable conditions, and it was a heady experience. ?I want to have one of those picture-postcard romantic days where it feels like the whole world?s been built just to be a backdrop for us. I want to go somewhere safe where no one knows us and no one we know will see us, where we don?t have to be who we usually are so we can just be who we are today. I want strangers to see us on the street and feel envious and wish that they were in love like we are. I want street musicians to watch us pass and feel inspired to play their favorite love songs and I want old people to see us look at each other and feel young again.?
To her amazement, she saw that Harry was blinking back tears. He picked up her hands and kissed them, shutting his eyes tightly and holding her knuckles to his lips.
?What?? she said, concerned she?d said something upsetting. ?Harry, what??
?I don?t want it to stop,? he said in a choked voice. ?I feel like I?m seeing a whole new part of you and it only makes me love you more, and I don?t want to go back to the Hermione I knew yesterday. I don?t want to wait to get it back, I want it right now, I want to keep it.? He lifted his face and she saw that now he was actually crying.
Hermione thought her heart would break. She drew her hands away and put her arms around his neck, moving to sit on his lap. It had been barely hours since they?d accidentally fallen into the change whose time had not yet come, but already his arms around her felt familiar and natural. ?I know,? she said, holding him close and stroking his hair. ?I don?t want it to stop either.?
He sighed, a deep and shuddering sigh. ?But it has to, doesn?t it??
She nodded. ?It?s awful, I know. But if we try to hang on now, we?ll lose it. We can?t take that chance.?
He drew back, forcing a smile. ?Then no more regrets. Let?s make the most of the time we have. We?ll go wherever you want to go and have that perfect day. Even if we won?t remember it, I have to believe that somewhere inside ourselves, we will.?
?Good,? she said, kissing him again. ?So where should we go??
?Well, we?re wizards. We can go anywhere we like. Somewhere romantic? Paris? Maybe Rome??
She thought for a moment. ?Actually, there is one place I?ve always wanted to go.?
Ginny was right, Hermione thought. Florence was the most beautiful place she?d ever seen. The Tuscan air seemed infused with passion and scents that inspired the mind to thoughts filled with ardor and romance.
When she?d proposed the whole perfect-romantic-day idea, she hadn?t entertained any hopes that it would actually live up to her expectations. She was realistic, and she knew that something, some little thing, would probably go wrong and mar the experience. It would rain, or they?d have a rude waiter, or she?d trip and get mud on her skirt.
By the time they decided to find a cozy bistro for dinner, she?d decided that the fates must have known this was their one chance for a few idyllic hours so they?d decided to cooperate. It was just as perfect as she could ever have imagined. Even more so, if that were possible.
It was cool enough to walk without perspiring but warm enough not to require coats. The sun was shining and a light breeze ruffled their hair. Everyone was friendly and accommodating and the streets were filled with flowers, happy tourists and colorful locals. There was even a lively farmer?s market and an outdoor jazz music festival. She?d never felt so beautiful or light of heart as she did on Harry?s arm, and he had never looked as handsome to her.
They spent most of their
afternoon walking and seeing the sights.
Just the fact that she was walking with her fingers laced through his
was enough to distract her from higher brain function, and she was continually
having to stop chiding herself for her giddiness. It?s okay, she
reassured herself. You?ve been given a gift most people never get?the chance to experience
what it would be like to have your deepest, most secret wish granted.
And it was true. This had been her deepest, most secret wish?secret enough that she hadn?t even been aware of it herself. Now that it had sunk in a little, she could admit it. It was so clear in hindsight. How had she been so blind, how had they both? She?d never felt comfortable when he?d been dating Ginny, and he?d disliked all of her boyfriends. Why? Wasn?t it obvious? It surely seemed to be to others; people were continually making insinuations and innuendoes and thinly veiled references to the fact that everyone believed them to be secretly in love and deluding themselves that they were only friends.
Turned out that people were perceptive that way.
After making a few inquiries (to her shock, Harry spoke perfect Italian) they found just the kind of restaurant they were looking for, somewhere they could linger over wine and candlelight and not feel self-conscious about gazing raptly at each other, as they?d both been helpless not to do for the entirety of their time here.
Perhaps sensing their frame of mind, the host sat them at a secluded table near a window and bid them to take their time.
Hermione barely tasted the food. She felt like she and Harry were getting to know each other all over again. Their conversation was no different in its substance than it ever was, but everything seemed new and exciting because she was seeing it through new eyes.
She watched him order wine, marveling again at his fluency (and how sexy the words sounded coming from his lips). ?So, is this what it would be like?? she said, breaking a short lull.
?What?? he said, sliding his arm around her waist. The table was up against a booth, so they were sitting more side by side than across from one another.
?Is this what we would be like? Is this what it?d be like to love you??
He smiled, but shook his head. ?No. This isn?t what it would be like. No, we?d argue, but we?d make up. We?d spend too much time at work, but we?d put notes in each other?s lunch pails. I?d get impatient with your overanalyzing, and you?d get annoyed at my guilt complex. We?d have bad sex sometimes. We?d forget anniversaries. We?d pretend to like the ill-considered gifts we?d get each other. We?d fight over where to go on holiday and we?d go to bed angry.? He hesitated and looked into her eyes. ?But we?d feel okay with all that, because we?d know we loved each other. We?d face everything together, and we?d be secure enough to really be ourselves.?
Hermione nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She scooted a little closer and rested her head on his shoulder. ?How long do you think we?ll have to wait??
?I don?t know,? he said. ?And of course when it happens, we won?t know that we?ve been waiting.?
?I think we?ll know. Unconsciously.?
?Maybe.?
?Harry?what if it never happens??
?Don?t say that.?
?What if one of us gets married first? What if some woman comes along and sweeps you off your feet? What I meet some man, and??
?Shh,? he said, cutting her off. ?It won?t happen.?
?But it could!? she exclaimed, sitting up again. ?Harry?after the charms we won?t know any better again! We?ll think we?re just friends, we?ll feel perfectly free to love others!?
?Did we feel perfectly free to love others before??
That gave her pause. ?Well?I don?t know.?
?Hermione, the reason it didn?t work for me and Ginny was that I was always holding back from her. I couldn?t give myself fully to the relationship. I couldn?t, because I had to save it. I didn?t know why, but I do now. I could only give all of myself to you.?
Hermione nodded. ?You?re right. The same thing happened with Rufus. Even Abel. They never really got down to the real me. That?s only for you. It always was.? She smiled, feeling reassured. ?So you?re saying no one will ever be able to overcome that, even if we think we?re just friends.?
?That?s what I?m saying.?
?That?s a comforting thought. It?s like?going out and traveling the world because you want to see all these different places and have new experiences, but always knowing that you have a home waiting for you. A place where you really belong for you to come back to once your travels are over.?
He smiled. ?I couldn?t have said it better myself.?
When they emerged from the restaurant it was dark, and the lights of Florence had transformed it into a twinkling wonderland. They walked hand in hand without a destination, content just to walk together?and yet with the sunset came a new sobriety. Hermione?s giddiness had left her, and midnight was approaching fast. She sensed the awareness of the end of their interlude on Harry as well. Neither of them seemed to want to speak and possibly say something that might cause them to acknowledge that this was going to end very soon.
?Since we?re not going to remember this day,? he finally said, ?there?s something I?d like to tell you.?
?What?s that??
He hesitated. ?I know you must wonder about my job. I also know how difficult it must have been for you to hold your tongue when you must have a million questions.?
?You have no idea,? she said quietly. ?But I?ve always known that?well, you would tell me when you were ready.?
?Honestly, I?m not ready. And I have real reasons for keeping it from you. But this is our day, and I want you to know.? He stopped walking and turned her to face him. Hermione braced herself. She had no idea what he was about to tell her, but the comfort was that if it was horrible, it?d be gone in the morning. ?Hermione,? he said, taking a deep breath. ?I work for the International Federation of Wizards, in the Intelligence Division. I?m an intelligence wizard.?
Hermione just stared at him. She thought she knew what he was saying, but just needed a little reiteration. ?Umm??
?I?m a spy, Hermione.?
She nodded. Well, naturally. What other vocation could possibly befit him? ?I see,? she said, at a loss.
He peered at her face. ?Say something, will you? You?re making me nervous.?
?Well,? she said with a sigh. ?It certainly does explain a lot.?
?I?m sure it does.?
They resumed their course through the streets of Florence. ?Is it dangerous??
He hesitated. ?I suppose it is.?
Hermione thought for a moment. ?Are you happy??
?With my job? Yes. I love it. And I?m good at it. I?m making a difference. And I got the job because I have talent for it, not because I?m Harry Potter. I?m doing something worthwhile to protect our world.?
She squeezed his hand. ?That sounds very noble, Harry. But that isn?t all of it, is it??
?What do you mean??
?Aren?t you really doing it to avenge Ron??
He stopped, forcing her to do the same. She looked up and met his eyes, his serious expression making her almost regret her words. ?Just when I thought we were going to get through this day without saying his name.?
?We were fooling ourselves if we thought so.?
He dropped her hand and put his arm around her shoulders, setting off again. ?We only have this day to be us, Hermione. I think we need to table any and all Ron-related discussion until it?s time for it to come up again.?
She swallowed past the lump in her throat, not an easy task given its size. ?Agreed.?
They walked in silence for some time as the darkness deepened. ?What time is it?? he asked.
Hermione consulted her watch. ?Almost eight.?
?I don?t want to leave, but??
?Yeah, I think it?s time to go home. The hour groweth late.?
He looked around. ?It really is beautiful here.?
?I hope we come back someday.?
?If we do, we won?t know what it ought to mean to us.?
?Oh, I don?t know,? she said. ?Somehow, I think we might.?
They were already kissing by the time they reached their flat. Harry managed to get the door open and then locked again behind them. ?Bedroom,? Hermione murmured against his mouth. They stumbled a few more steps along and then she gasped as Harry suddenly picked her up. It felt dizzyingly erotic to be literally swept off her feet and carried off to be ravished, she had to admit, even while half of her was wondering when he?d gotten strong enough to lift her like she weighed nothing.
He set her down in the darkened bedroom. They had only a few precious hours left, and they didn?t intend to waste a single second of it. He embraced her from behind, molding his body against hers, his hands sliding over her dress and up her chest. His breath was warm against her neck and Hermione felt her flesh shivering and warming under his touch. ?This may sound rude,? he murmured, kissing her shoulders as he bared them. ?But you have fantastic breasts,? he said, demonstrating his appreciation by cupping and caressing them.
She smiled, covering his hands with her own, pressing her hips back against him. ?Thanks,? she said. ?You never noticed them before.?
?I may have thought we were just friends but I wasn?t blind,? he said.
She craned her neck around and kissed him deeply, turning in his arms. ?I can?t believe how good this feels,? she said against his mouth. Harry drew her close and lowered her gently to the bed, stretching out next to her. They undressed each other slowly, taking their time, following each discarded article of clothing with generous quantities of caresses and kisses applied to the exposed body part. They didn?t talk much, content just to watch each other and say all that needed to be said through the meeting of their eyes in the dim bedroom.
Hermione felt like weeping but held it back. This was just one more thing she?d lose at midnight?after years of not thinking about it, she now knew for sure that she and Harry were good at this. They were good together physically. She?d wondered about it, of course. She?d had the thought pass through her mind and convinced herself it was a casual musing not worth remarking upon. But the reality had surpassed her wildest imaginings. His touch awakened her sensual nature in a way she could not have predicted. She?d never felt so confident or so physical. She?d never been moved to guide a man?s hands to where they would pleasure her most or to place hers on his body where she thought they might pleasure him.
He used his hands and his lips to draw gasps and moans from her mouth that seemed to be coming from someone else, so strangely urgent were they and so foreign to her notions of her own experiences with sex. She felt no hesitance to reciprocate and was rewarded by the shivers of his flesh and her name on his lips, its four syllables laced with passion and abandon.
When she thought she?d go mad he lay between her legs and met her eyes, holding her gaze as he entered her slowly, maddeningly. Hermione watched his face as he became part of her body and once again had to stop herself from weeping at the stubborn knowledge that she would not be experiencing this with him again for a long time.
?This may sound rude,? she whispered, ?but you have an amazing penis.?
He grinned, staying still within her. ?Well, you know I just can?t hear that enough.?
She kissed him. ?I?m serious. You?re?bigger than I thought you?d be.?
?You thought about my penis??
Hermione slid her hands down his back to his butt, which was a truly exceptional example of the male form. ?Less talking, please,? she whispered, avoiding his question.
What followed was something of a blur to her. There was a great deal of kissing and meaningless murmurs. There were a half dozen changes of position, an equal number of pauses to catch their breath and caress each other into even higher states of arousal. She was overcome with a sense of being cared for, and not in the emotional sense. She?d had a few lovers, not a lot, but none of them had paid so much attention to her physical responses. She and Harry seemed to be sensing each other?s needs and desires on a nonverbal level and responding.
When the end came it was almost anticlimactic. It was intensely pleasurable, to be sure, but that single moment of release almost paled in comparison to the long and sensuous physical union that had produced it.
Finally, Harry rolled to his back at her side. Hermione drew the covers up to her chest and lay next to him, staring at the ceiling. ?What time is it?? he asked after a long silence.
She glanced at the bedside clock. ?It?s eleven fifteen.?
He made a choked sound. ?Only forty five minutes.?
?I know.?
He sat up and yanked on his track pants, still on the floor from the night before when he?d come in to comfort her about Abel. ?I can?t do it,? he said, his voice emphatic.
?Harry??
?No!? he said, turning. ?I can?t! I can?t give it up. I can?t give you up. Not now, not ever.? He leaned over her. ?I don?t care if this might have been earlier than it was supposed to be. Who?s to say when it?s right for us and when it?s wrong??
?We are. It?s up to us to do the right thing, no matter how much it hurts,? she said, laying a hand on his face.
She saw his lower lip beginning to tremble. ?Hermione?do you love me??
?Of course I do.?
?No, I know you love me, but?do you love me like that?? He met her eyes. ?Because I love you. I love you so much right now I can?t believe I haven?t always felt it. I don?t know how I wasn?t filled with it every day of my life like I am now.?
?Yes, Harry. I love you.?
?Then what else matters??
?A lot. Love isn?t enough. This isn?t something casual that we can try to see if it works!? she exclaimed. ?Harry?surely you know that once we?re together that?ll be it. With everything we?ve been through and meant to each other, if we fall in love then we?re in it for life.?
?Of course I know that.?
?Then when it happens we?d better be at a place in our lives when we?re ready for a lifetime commitment. Now isn?t that time and you know it. Our future is too important and I won?t jeopardize it just because we?re impatient for it to start.?
?What if we are ready? What more do you need to be ready, Hermione? Let me help you get there, help us both get there.?
Hermione sagged. She was going to have to tell him. ?I don?t need anything, my love. I?m perfectly ready. It?s you who isn?t ready for us.?
He looked at if she?d slapped him. ?What are you talking about??
?Harry?I?m sick of having boyfriends. I?m tired of compromising myself to fit someone?s idea of what I ought to be. I?m tired of explaining who you are to me and why you?re more important than some man who can?t be bothered to understand who I really am. Even after our charms?I?m done. Abel will have been my last real one. Maybe I?ll date casually, but I?m finished with boyfriends.? She smiled, the sadness in it not lost on him. ?I?m ready to love you, and I?ll be waiting for you to join me, however long it takes.?
?What if?what if I?m ready now?? he said, hoarsely. She could see that even he knew he wasn?t.
?Be realistic. You couldn?t even tell me your job without knowing that I wouldn?t remember it. You?re not ready to share those parts of yourself that you still think you have to protect me from. And we both know that you?re keeping other things from me, more important things.?
He blinked. ?What do you mean?? he said, though he had to know he wasn?t fooling her.
She smiled, hoping to reassure him that she wasn?t angry about this, she had no reason to be. It was just an unfortunate fact. ?Who was she, Harry? The woman you?re hiding? Not just from me, from everyone. From yourself, even.?
He sagged. ?How?how did you know??
?Please. Where did you learn how to go down on a woman like that? Not from Ginny. She told me once that she was pleasantly surprised to experience it herself. There had to be someone else, someone before her.? She held up her hand as he opened his mouth to speak. ?No, I don?t want to know. It?s okay. You?re not ready to share it and I don?t want to push it. Don?t you get it? That?s part of all the ways that this isn?t right for us yet. You?re not ready to let me in right now. You have things you need to do for yourself and I respect that. Sometime in the future, and I hope it?s soon, you?ll finally be comfortable in your own skin and you?ll let me see everything that?s inside you again, like you once did. Only then will it be time for us. We can?t force it, no matter how much we might want to.?
Harry watched her face for a few moments, thinking. Finally he nodded, his expression unbearably sad. ?It isn?t fair.?
?It?s just our rotten luck that I had a vulnerable moment and you were there and we ended up in bed way before we should have.? She couldn?t hold herself back any longer. She clambered into his embrace and put her arms around him, her legs curled into his lap. ?But we can still make it right again, even if it hurts.? She swallowed hard and let her head fall to his shoulder. ?And it hurts a lot.?
They made their preparations in the living room, fully dressed as if they had just had a normal day. ?Now, make sure to concentrate on that moment last night, when I was crying over Abel,? she said. ?We want to wipe everything that happened after that.?
?What?ll take the place of the real memories??
?Whatever?s comfortable and convenient. Our minds will reconstruct the memories.?
Harry looked up as if he?d had a sudden thought. ?Hermione?what if we want to remember this at some point? Once we?re together for real, can we remember this day??
She blinked, taken aback by the suggestion. The thought had not occurred to her, but it had definite appeal. ?Well?I could charm an object with a reversal spell. After the Memory Charms are cast, if we both see this object, we?ll remember.?
?How will we both see it? And how will we be sure it won?t be until the time is right??
She thought for a moment. ?We could give it to someone we trust. Someone we?re pretty sure will still be in our lives. Explain the situation, make sure they know they?re never to tell us that we had this experience with each other, and give them the token. Then they can pick the moment to give it back to us, and we?ll remember.?
Harry was nodding. ?That would work.? He met her eyes. ?What do you think? Should we do it??
She smiled. ?I want to remember this day, Harry. Even if it takes years.? She jumped up. ?Just a moment.? She went to her room and rummaged through her jewelry box, coming up with a small painted rose pin that had belonged to her mother. ?Here, we can use this.? She picked up her wand to apply the reversal spell, then stopped. ?But?who should we give it to??
Harry thought a moment. ?Sirius.?
Hermione fingered the pin. ?Perfect.? She applied the spell. ?I guess?should we give it to him in person, and explain things??
?No,? Harry said. ?Let?s write him a letter. He?ll understand.?
It took them nearly half an hour to compose the note to Sirius explaining what had happened and what they wanted him to do. Once it was finished and sent away with the pin, there was nothing else to finish, no more delays possible.
They faced each other in the living room. Hermione couldn?t stop the tears that were quietly slipping steadily down her cheeks, so she didn?t even make the attempt. Harry looked miserable, standing there holding his wand and looking at her like he was about to send her off to the firing squad. ?I guess we should just get it over with,? Hermione said.
He nodded, then raised his wand. ?I love you,? he whispered, never taking his eyes off her.
?I love you, too.? She took a deep breath. ?Okay. Count of three.? He nodded again. ?One. Two. Three.?
Nothing happened. Neither of them spoke the spell. Hermione?s wand, extended before her, was shaking noticeably. Her knees felt wobbly and her stomach was rolling in unpleasant waves.
Harry threw down his wand and crossed the distance between them in two long strides. He grabbed her up and kissed her, bending her backwards with both arms around her waist. Hermione clutched at him, kissing him back with more energy than accuracy. There was a desperate last-chance quality to the embrace, with good reason. It was their last chance, and she knew that she, at least, was desperate to hang on to it as long as she could. They were both crying, and Hermione was trying and failing to remember if she?d ever hated the unfairness of the universe as much as she did right now. Ron?s death had been a close second.
The impulse spent, they finally released each other. Harry took her face in his hands and pinned her in place with the intensity of his gaze. She expected a heartfelt speech or perhaps a sentiment that would have seemed melodramatic on paper but would sound perfectly appropriate to her heartbroken ears.
But all she got was a single word.
He nodded a little, his face wet. ?Someday,? he said.
All she could do was nod in return. He released her and retreated. They faced each other in their living room, raised their wands, and this time they did not hesitate.
Hermione stretched and yawned, feeling surprisingly refreshed. She?d always suffered through a few nights of poor sleep after a breakup, but she seemed to have escaped that unpleasantness this time around.
She got up and shuffled into the kitchen. Harry was reading the paper at the counter, drinking tea, wearing only his track pants. ?Aren?t you cold?? she asked him as she passed, drawing her robe tighter around her.
?Nah,? he said. He put down the paper. ?How are you? Sleep okay??
?Yes, surprisingly well.?
?Good. That git Kilroy doesn?t merit any insomnia.?
She smiled. ?I thought I?d feel worse about it, but?you know, it?s strange. I was so upset that night after we broke up but now?? She shrugged. ?Nope, nothing. I feel fine.? She leaned over the counter and kissed his cheek. ?Thanks for the shoulder.?
?My pleasure. I?m just sorry I couldn?t be there to witness it when you kicked him to the curb.?
?I?m sure he?ll survive the heartbreak,? she said sarcastically.
?So how do you plan to spend your second day of freedom??
?I don?t know. What are you doing today?? she said, half-hoping he?d be free.
?Hanging out with you,? he said, grinning. ?Want to go dancing tonight??
?Harry, it?s Sunday.?
?So? It won?t be as busy. We can try that new lift without worrying that you?ll kick someone?s teeth out by mistake.?
She laughed. ?You have a point.? She met his eyes and felt something odd slide through her stomach. It felt like d?j? vu, but she couldn?t pinpoint anything specific she was remembering. She shook off the sensation. ?It?s just nice not to have to gauge everything based on what one?s boyfriend will think.?
?Until you get another one, that is.?
?Oh, I think I?ve had quite enough of boyfriends for the foreseeable future, thanks very much.?
?Well, I think I?ve had enough of being single.?
?Really??
?I did meet this woman in a shop last week. She gave me her number. I was just sitting here having a think about owling her.?
?What?s her name??
?Ronin.?
?Hmm. Sounds exotic.?
?She is that.? He smiled. ?I don?t know. It?ll probably turn out to be nothing.?
?Well, you?ll have to bring her around. She must pass muster with me, you know. Have to make sure she?s good enough for my Harry.?
He blushed. ?You never think anyone?s good enough for me.?
?Look who?s talking. You?ve hated all of my boyfriends.?
?Well, let?s hope that eventually we can both manage to find someone for ourselves that the other can tolerate.?
?I?m sure we will,? she said. ?Someday.?
June 17th,
2015?eleven years later
The door to the hospital room opened and Sirius poked his head through. ?Is this a private Muggle hellhole or can anyone get locked up here??
Harry grinned and motioned him inside, getting up to hug his godfather. ?Finally! I was beginning to wonder what was keeping you!?
?I?m sorry, Harry,? Sirius said, hugging him back. ?I was in Japan. Their Federation Councilman kept me there for three days before I figured out he just wanted to convince me to retire so he could try for my job. Thanks for providing me with such a good excuse to leave, by the way.? He approached the bed, grinning ear to ear. ?Oh, let?s see the most famous baby in the world!?
Harry couldn?t stop smiling. He?d been smiling since he got here. His jaw was starting to ache a little, actually. He watched Hermione hand Ben into Sirius?s arms. ?He?s so anxious to meet his grandpa,? she said, winking at Harry.
Sirius walked in little circles, rocking and making gurgly baby noises down at little Ben, who was barely ten hours old. Harry sat down on the edge of the bed and put an arm around his wife, leaning in to kiss her temple as they watched Sirius holding their son.
Sirius turned and looked up at them, his eyes shining. ?He?s so beautiful.?
?We think so.?
?How are you, Hermione?? he asked.
She sighed. ?I?m tired. But wonderful.? She looked up at Harry, who privately thought that ?wonderful? was a completely inadequate adjective to describe this woman he?d married.
Sirius?s attention was back on Ben. ?You know, you?re in for quite an exciting life, little man. Famous parents, dashing and adventurous grandfather to be a terribly bad influence on you and introduce you to motorcycles far sooner than your poor mother is ready for.? He grinned. ?And you?re lucky, too. You?ve got dozens and dozens of people lining up to adore you. And you?ve got parents who really love each other, and that?s very important.? He looked from Harry?s face to Hermione?s wearing a thoughtful expression that Harry couldn?t really read. ?And I think that today, you should give them a little present. Just?you know, to thank them for finally deciding to have you.? He reached into his pocket and turned away. Harry frowned, wondering what Sirius was doing. It looked like he was fiddling with Ben?s blankets.
He turned and handed Ben back to Harry. ?Now, I think I?ll leave you three alone while I go fetch my own wife and kids. They can?t wait to meet Benji.? He kissed Harry?s cheek, then Hermione?s, and then he was gone.
?What did he do?? Hermione said, leaning over.
?I don?t know,? Harry said, poking around in Ben?s blankets. ?Wait?he pinned something to him.? He parted the folds and there it was. A small painted enamel rose.
Harry opened his mouth to wonder aloud what it was but suddenly the question was unnecessary, because he knew. The memory dropped back into his brain neatly and was just there all at once, as if it had never been gone.
He met Hermione?s wide eyes and saw that she remembered, too. Their first time?their real first time, not that night in the Cloister, but back in Shepherd?s Bush. Their one day in Florence, that single precious day that they had somehow had the strength to give up even when they weren?t sure it would ever be repeated.
They stared at each other, speechless. ?Harry?I?? Hermione finally said.
?Yeah,? he breathed, nodding. He looked down at his new son, stood up and placed him carefully in his crib. He came back to the bed and took Hermione in his arms, embracing her as tightly as he dared given that he feared she might be sore. She threw her arms around his neck and burst into tears.
?We got it back,? she sobbed. ?You promised that we would and we did.?
?I was so afraid that would be all we?d ever have and we wouldn?t even remember it,? Harry said, his voice coming out all choky and quivering. ?But I should have trusted you. You knew, didn?t you??
She drew back and wiped her eyes, smiling. ?We both knew, darling. But it?s nice to be vindicated. And it happened when it was right, just like we thought.?
Harry sighed. ?But I wonder why Sirius waited so long. We?ve been married almost eight years!?
?I don?t know,? she said. ?Maybe he thought that now might be a good time for us to remember that?what we have is special.?
He smoothed her hair and kissed her. ?I don?t need any reminding of that.?
Dear Sirius,
This is going to sound very
strange, but we have an extremely important request to make of you. Please read this note carefully. By the time you receive it, we won?t
remember that we sent it.
Last night, something happened
between us. Something that made us both
very happy and very scared. While we
know that a lot of people have speculated and theorized about our relationship,
we?ve always maintained that we have only friendly feelings for each
other. We know now that we were
wrong. We?ve been together all day, and
it?s amazing now to see how clear it is that we love each other very much, and
that someday we?ll be together, and it will be wonderful.
But that?s not the whole
story. You see, this wasn?t supposed to
happen yet, and we?re not ready for it.
We?re not ready to be together, but if we try to go on as if it never
happened we?ll tear ourselves apart.
Our future together is more important than anything else, so we?ve
decided to forget that we?ve had this day together. At midnight we?re going to Memory Charm each other and go on as
if nothing happened. It?s the only way
we can keep each other safe for that time that will come someday when we are
ready for the relationship we?re supposed to have.
But now comes the tricky part,
the part that we need your help for.
Someday when we?re together we want to remember this day we?ve just
shared. It was a magical, perfect day
and it was more special than we can say.
We don?t want it to be lost forever.
The pin that we sent along
with this note has been charmed with a reversal spell. When we both see it again, the Memory Charm
will be undone and we?ll remember our first day as lovers. Keep it safe. Wait until a time when we?re together and settled. We trust you to choose an appropriate
moment.
The hardest part of this is
yours, we?re sorry to say. We won?t
remember that anything ever changed between us, but you will. You?ll have to treat us no differently, as
if we?ve never been anything but friends.
We?re sure you?ll understand what?s necessary, and we know we can rely
on your discretion.
You?re the only person we can
trust with this, Sirius. You?re the
person we?re both the most confident will still be in our lives and close by in
our future. We hope you will agree to
do this favor for us. It would mean a
lot. Unfortunately we won?t be able to
thank you for a long time.
If it means anything?you were
right. All of you. You were right about us.
Love,
Harry and Hermione