Dave Lister on Ricki Lake

RICKI: Hi there! How would you feel if you'd been orphaned? Pretty bad huh? Well today that story has a twist as we present a special edition of Ricki Lake: "Men who are their own fathers" Would you please welcome Dave Lister.

Applause. Lister walks on stage and sits

RICKI: Now David, you didn't really volunteer to be on this show did you?

LISTER: Well, no. But I was a little screwed up about the whole thing so Kryten suggested counselling. We still had the time drive, so here I am. You see, Oprah was booked up.

RICKI: So explain this to me. You're your own Father?

LISTER: That's right.

RICKI: How did this happen?

LISTER: This ex-girlfriend of mine, Kristine Kochanski. She shows up from another dimension. Eighteen months later we drop me off in a pub in Liverpool. It's time travel, it's complicated.

RICKI: It says on this card that you were a test-tube baby.

LISTER: Well technically it was an in-vitro tube, but , basically, yeah, I was a shake 'n' bake baby.

RICKI: And then you were abandoned ... by yourself. How did you feel about that?

LISTER: Really angry, some of the time. It wasn't very kind to my self. It seemed heartless. But at the same time I knew I couldn't have handled the responsibility of raising a child, certainly not a child as lively as I was.  I once set fire to an English teacher.

RICKI:  So what's it it like being your own Dad?

LISTER:  Quite cool actually.  I mean, I never get grounded.  And it's nearly impossible to spank yourself properly - believe me I've tried.  But on the other hand, i don't have any way of getting extra pocket money

Caption: Dave Lister - is Possibly Mentally Disturbed

RICKI:  But you weren't your first child, were you?

LISTER:  No that's right, I'm also mother to twin boys, Jim and Bexley.

RICKI:  Mother?  Don't you mean father?

LISTER:  Nope, I gave birth to them.

RICKI:  Ouch! So where are they now?

LISTER:  Their with their Father.  She's a technician like me.  In fact she's a lot like me - she's my female self.

RICKI:  Cool, but didn't you want to be with tham as they grew up?

LISTER:  I was there, for the first three days

RICKI:  Only three days?

LISTER:  Well they were eighteen by that time.  I didn't want to smother them.  So I left them with their dad.  Besides people's think I was a bit odd - a man not quite thirty with eighteen-year-old kids.  Mind you, it does add up.  I lost my virginity when I was twelve, so technically....

Caption: Dave Lister - We were right.  He's a Nutter

RICKI:  That's great.  So, erm, how does your wife feel about this?

LISTER:  Which one?

RICKI:  Sorry?

LISTER:  Well I married Kristine once.

RICKI:  When was that?

LISTER:  In about a years time, I think.  I was twenty five when I found out, now I'm heading for thirty.

RICKI: R-i-g-h-t.  No, I was talking about your other wife.  What's her name?

Caption:  Dave Doesn't Know That She's In The Studio.

LISTER:  Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech

RICKI:  RICKI:  Are you okay?   This is live, we can't edit that out.

LISTER:  No, that's her name.

RICKI: Oh so you're a bigamist?

LISTER:  I don't know yet.  I hope not.

RICKI (to audience):  Shall we see what his wife thinks about all this?!

The audience cheers

RICKI:  Alright! Please welcome, fresh from a crash-landing on an ice planet, Ech, ergh, ach... erm - Mrs Lister

Applause:  A screen goes back and Lister's face sags.  The hairy Gelf appears and roars (probably with delight, who can tell?  It might even be heartburn)  as she sees her husband.  Lister sprints away and she pelts (no pun intended) after him.

RICKI:  Oh, erm, okay.  We'll take a break.  We'll be right back after the break to ask the question "What happens in a relationship when the wife has to shave more than the husband?"