Sealab 2021 - Episode 09

Sealab 2021 - All That Jazz (Episode 09)

Computer: Authorization code, please.

Murphy: I-3-4-Texas

Computer: Authorized. Commence fingerprint scan. Confirmed. Access granted.
Retinal scan commencing. Identity confirmed. Good morning, Captain Murphy.

Murphy: Good morning, Gladys. Hello, old friend.

Be-Bop Cola Machine: (sings) Well, hello, consumer. Yes, hello, consumer. Ba ba ba ba ba ba Be-Bop Cola, yeah.

Murphy: (searches flavors) Ah, let's see, uh...nope...no, no...no...no...uh, no...ah, here we go. Yes, sir, ahh, Mingus Dew.

Be-Bop Cola Machine: (sings) And I say to myself, I need exact change.

Murphy: That IS exact change, jerk-face!

Be-Bop Cola Machine: And I say to myself--

Murphy: You hunk of crap, I'll have you turned into an artificial reef. Come on, you piece of junk! Give me my Mingus Dew! (rocking the machine) Come on...you...big...piece...of...crap! (machine falls on top of him) Aaah! Okay, just keep it together, Murphy. Just stay cool. Take a deeeeep breath--OHH! Oh, my ribs! Searing pain! God, is anything down there NOT broken? Ugh, nooo....no, it's all crushed! What? Man, I hope that's soda. HELP! SOMEBODY, HELP ME! HELLO? HELP! Where the hell is everybody?

<Beijing, China, MC Chris concert>

MC Chris: Cruisin Mos Espa in my Delorian, war's over I'm a peacetime Mandelorian...

Stormy: OH YEAH! This concert rocks!

Marco: WOOO! I hope he does Booties for Breakfast, man! Oh yes!

Debbie: Oh my God, he totally just looked at me. I LOVE YOU, MC CHRIS! MC Chris, look at these! (flashes) They're jigglin, baby!

Quinn: Oh yeah, Debbie!

Stormy?: All right, Debbie! (whispers) Quinn, go get more drinks.

Murphy: HELLO?! ANYBODY? Aah, oh, keep it together, Murphy. You just gotta keep cool and figure out a plan. (Scorpion walks up, stares at Murphy, then jumps on his face and starts stinging) Ouch! Ouch! Ooh! Ooh! Stop it! Ooh! Poison! Coursing through my veins! Ohhh, blacking out...any second...no...NO...I'm fighting it off. I'm gonna make it! (machine spits can of soda in his face, knocking out a tooth)

(flashback)
Young Murphy (underneath an elephant): Papa, come see! I'm going for the record! Papa!

Mr. Murphy: Damn it, young Murphy! I'm watching Magnum!

Young Murphy: But, Papa--

Mr. Murphy: Shut up! TC's doing something!

Young Murphy: But, Papa... (tear rolls down his cheek)

(end of flashback)

Murphy: Ohh, what the--aw, geez, my tooth! (door opens) What's that? Hello? Hello? (little robot wheels in) Thank God! Some...some sort of rescue toaster. Okay. Okay, go get help, boy. But if you've got one of those little barrels with brandy in it, I--(robot sweeps up lost tooth and wheels away) Hey! Hey, don't go yet! I need brandy! (machine spits out another can of soda, knocking out two more teeth) OOOH! My teeth! Oh, my face! (robot comes back to sweep up teeth) Now just listen here, you--what? What are you making a necklace?

(weeks later)

(Scorpion rolls a can of soda over to Murphy)
Murphy: Shut up! Oh, it's you, Ben. Sorry about that. What's on tap for today? Oh yeah, Mango Reinhardt, the thinking man's pop. Thank you, Ben. Ah-ah-ah, hold on, Ben, aren't you forgetting something? Come on, come on, what are you waiting for? Daddy needs his medicine. I'm sick, baby. I'm sick. Come on, baby. Daddy needs his feel-good juice. (scorpion stings him again) Ooh yeah, that's the stuff. That's what daddy needs, yeah, see, see, what it is, is we're all a community, and uh, when you're a community, and love enters into it....(falls asleep)

(a year later)

Murphy: (singing to himself) Wrong melody. Ben? What are you doing down there? Hee-hee-hee-hee! That tickles! What? You're kidding. Awwww, that's wonderful! You laid your brood of eggs in my navel. Ha-ha-ha! We're going to be mommies! Ben, this is the ha--(machine spits can of soda out, knocking out Murphy's remaining tooth) OH! That was my last tooth you--(robot wheels in wearing a necklace of Murphy's teeth, sweeps up last tooth) Tooth-slealing bastard! You get him, Ben! Dive! Go for the eyes! That's it! You can do it! Sting and move! Sting and move! (robot squashes scorpion with a wrench) Ben? Ben? You bastard, you killed Ben! Oh, no, and your babies, they're hatching! They're orphans! I'm getting angry! You won't like me when I'm angry! (turns into a hulk and throws Be-Bop Cola Machine off) MURPHY...KILL...ROBOT! MURPHY...SMASH...ROBOT!

Quinn: Well, it's good to be back at Sealab.

Marco: Man, when Debbie got us backstage, who'd have thought that MC Chris would ask us all to go on a world tour as his roadies?

Quinn: What a craaaazy year.

Stormy: Best year of my freakin life, man.

Debbie: (crying and pregnant) Speak for yourself.

Stormy: You can't cage MC Chris, Debbie. He's a bird, man. He's gotta be free.

Quinn: Yeah girl, let a playah play. Can't hold the man down.

Marco: Anyway, I wonder where Captain Murphy is.

Murphy: (crashes through the wall as hulk covered in scorpions) BE-BOP...COLA...GOOD!

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