Disclaimer and notes at the end. It will help if you have read the TAPSLAUGHT and Operation: Ultimate Writer SC round robins. Just so that you know, I've obtained permission from Timesprite to MiST her story. Don't flame her for the story, 'kay? Because if I EVER find out that you do, God help me, even the mighty power of Marvel Retcon[tm] cannot save you. Rated PG-13 for language and innuendo. MYSTERY SUBREALITY THEATRE 3000 *Showing tonight* "Claire's Confusion" *Original by* Timesprite *MiSTing by* Yasmin M. *With help from* Ana (and Lyssie!) *and* Rose We open in the starry expanse of space, where Subreality hangs like a well-loved (and much-repaired) orb on a Christmas tree. Greens, blues, and browns dominate the landscape, swirling into each other as Writers type away at their laptops. Subreality City seems to dominate the blurry world, fascinating with its riot of colours, but it is here in space that our story begins. Here in... SATELLITE #1013 The satellite was really quite nice for something made by an evil scientist in pursuit of a nefarious scheme. There was a lounge with a well-stocked bar, a kitchen that would bring a tear to Sailor Jupiter's eyes, and even a holodeck stolen during the Starjammers' latest raid on Marissa Picard's Enterprise. It was also quite empty. At least, until blue light and a popping sound filled the room, whereupon four figures stood in not-so-silent confusion. "Where in Hades are we?" "Ooo... Guinness!" "TAPSLAUGHT DOES NOT LOOK KINDLY ON HER KIDNAPPING." "Hey! I know you... aren't you supposed to be dead?" The first was a blonde woman with Grecian features, studying her surroundings haughtily. She wore a well- cut, navy blue business suit. A gold and mother-of- pearl brooch in the shape of a quill pen was pinned to her lapel. The others immediately recognized her as Calliope, Queen of the Muses and acknowledged pain in the arse by her subordinates. "I don't know, but I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," remarked the second speaker, a beautiful young woman. "I was in the Cafe talking to Dex, and then... poof! I'm here." Calliope peered at her for a second, then sighed. "Mary Sue, I presume?" Mary Sue smiled sultrily and nodded. She was still wearing the red wig and green contacts she had used to distract the Canadian writer, though a cursory visual examination would make clear that she really did not need any enhancements. Created from the DNA of Writers consumed by TAPSLAUGHT, she was to be the Ultimate Writer -- the cat's pyjamas, the head honcho, the uppermost scum. No less powerful than her namesake. TAPSLAUGHT, the Devourer of Writers, looked with distaste and horror at her now human-sized body. Being Tapestry gone horribly wrong and powered up beyond the highest Writer level, the sight of her Heralds alone brooked no other words from an unfortunate mortal except "We're gonna die!" Her long black hair glinted under the fluorescent lights, matching the angry eyes. The blue and white armoursuit she wore was scuffed, a trace of... chocolate?... near the soles of her boots. Having glared her body into embarassment, she gave the last of the group a hostile stare. The aforementioned character was blissfully ignorant of her wrath. She was busy loping around the lounge with graceful ease, examining everything. Azmifarayaro was her name, and defeating TAPSLAUGHT was her game. "Was" being the operative word -- she is currently employed as a security guard for Subreality Hospital. Azmi seemed to have no problem with her similarly shrunken body, taking it in a stride. As an amalgam of six writers, she probably had a vague memory of being human-sized. The slender, red-haired catwoman wore a short leather tunic, slit on both sides. The clothing allowed ease of movement, least of all for her large bat-like wings. "Check this out, guys," she called out, pointing to a viewscreen and a large red button. "What do you think *these* are for?" "I DO NOT KNOW. BUT PERHAPS YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THIS." Calliope snapped out of her fuming resentment long enought to look at the object on the wall. "It looks like a lever. I wonder what would happen if I were to do... this." She pulled down the lever. "Goddess!" exclaimed Mary Sue, her green eyes growing larger by the minute. "Will you look at that..." Where panelled walls had existed there were now windows, treating the quartet to a beautiful view of space and Subreality. Appreciation of beauty, however, was the last thing on their minds at the moment. "How by the nine heads of Cerberus did we end up in space?" the Muse practically shrieked. "The answer, my dear," said an oily voice, "comes not from the stars." As one, they turned. Filling the viewscreen was a smug-looking Dark Beast, who seemed to enjoy every atom of their consternation. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" thundered TAPSLAUGHT. The mutant raised a sardonic eyebrow. "I suppose *someone* had to ask the question." He steepled his fingers. "Tell me, ladies, are you in any way familiar with Mystery Science Theatre 3000?" "Yeah!" Azmi answered enthusiastically. "It's about this guy, Joel -- and later, Mike -- who was shot into space by an evil scientist. The scientist wanted to test the limits of the human will by subjecting him to... bad... movies." She ground to a halt. "Oh, *hell*." "Indeed, milady," chuckled Dark Beast. "Hell, indeed. Dr. Forrester was a genuinely talented scientist, if a little narrow in his scope. After all, why settle for Earth when you can have Subreality at your mercy?" "So what are you going to do?" Calliope demanded coldly. "Subject us to hours of the old 'Captain America' cartoon?" Azmi and Mary Sue flinched. "Your plan is doomed to fail, Dark Beast. We are, after all, not human." Instead of bowing and scraping at her feet, he laughed. "Do you think I would forget that?" He leaned in closer to the screen, leering at them. "Three of you were once fan fiction Writers. You, Calliope is the Martriarch of the Muses. What could be more fitting than to torture you with bad fan fiction?" Azmi gasped in horror. "You fiend!" she growled. Her tail, spiked with sharp quills at the end, flicked from side to side. "I CONCUR. RELEASE US IMMEDIATELY, DARK BEAST, AND I PROMISE MY RETRIBUTION WILL BE MERCIFUL." He shook his head, wagging his finger in mock- scolding. "No can do, as they say in the vernacular." Grinning at them, he added, "Enjoy, ladies." "You can't do this!" shouted Mary Sue. "I'm your creation!" As his image winked out, the Dark Beast answered with an amused, "And what is creation, if not meant for the creator's use?" "Why that sonova--" The pseudo redhead was cut off, however, as alarms and sirens did their noisy work. "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" they shouted in unison. "How did we know how to say that?" asked Calliope, blinking. "Who cares? Let's go!" [Door 6: A feral Wolverine leaps out at you, bone claws extended. You fight him off with spray-on body deodorant and run into a cave.] [Door 5: You're in the cockpit of an X-Wing, engaging a TIE fighter. You vape the enemy, flying through the ensuing explosion.] [Door 4: There're Trollocs running after you, and you're trapped at the bank of a fast-flowing river. Taking a deep breath, you dive into the water.] [Door 3: The Beast (no, not the mutant, the President) stands in front of you, blocking a door. You whip out your bowel disrupter and leave him moaning on the floor.] [Door 2: A solid steel door bars your way, resisting your attempt at kicking it down. With a blast from the Witchblade, you blow it up and continue on your way.] [Door 1: It's the entrance to Harry's Hideout. Smiling, you push the door open and step in.] [The ladies enter the theatre, Calliope and TAPSLAUGHT still looking *very* pissed. They are seated, from left to right: TAPSLAUGHT, Mary Sue, Azmifarayaro, and Calliope.] CALLIOPE: How, exactly, are we supposed to keep our brains from turning into tapioca pudding? AZMI: Just chant to yourself all the names of the good fic writers you know. MARY: And riff like hell's about to pay a visit. >DISCLAIMER TAPSLAUGHT: SHE IS STEALING MY SCHTICK! WOE TO THOSE WHO DARE USE CAPITAL LETTERS! MARY: [Writer] I will not be held responsible for any vomiting, migraines, heart attacks and brain aneurysm due to the reading of this story. Not recommended for pregnant women, small children, and asthma patients. AZMI: Mary... that was mean. >I haven 't actually used any ones >characters yet, but I will. AZMI: I'm sure they're looking forward to it, honey. [vaguely hopeful] Right? Right? CALLIOPE: [sighing] The disillusioned ones are not yet born. >All the X-MEN belong to Marvel Comics, MARY: Otherwise known as "What the bloody hell is this SHIT?!" CALLIOPE: Language, Mary Sue, language. AZMI: Except books written by the Marvel Knights writers and Kurt Busiek. TAPSLAUGHT: AND WARREN ELLIS. AZMI: But... he's gone. TAPSLAUGHT: [heavy sigh] I KNOW. >everyone else is mine. MARY: Uhm-hmm. TAPSLAUGHT: I BEG YOUR PARDON? MARY: Just hoping there won't be any blatantly ripped- off "original characters, that's all. >Don 't sue me this is just Fan >Fiction and I'm not making any money. >If you steal MY characters, at least have >the decency to let me know. MARY: [sarcastic] I'm sure *you* don't have to worry abou-- AZMI: A-hem! No insulting the writer, remember? MARY: [insincerely] My apologies. > CLAIRE 'S CONFUSION CALLIOPE: Here's a nice, heavy bat. Shall I clear up your confusion for you? MARY: Well, Claire, here's what you do: after you've taken it out of its foil wrapping, roll it from bottom to top to get rid of any trapped air. Then-- CALLIOPE: MARY SUE! > Prologue TAPSLAUGHT: YOU MEAN THERE ARE *MORE*? AZMI: [growls softly] > DAYS of PAST AZMI: [singing] Yesterday, all my troubles seem far away... >The window was easy to open. MARY: Woohoo! C'mon in, you handsome hunk! >The room hadn't changed. AZMI: Look what I found under the bed! Some pizza I ordered in '89! >If Clare could have cried, she would have. AZMI: Is she a Klingon? OTHERS: Wha--? AZMI: Klingons don't have tear ducts. [beat] CALLIOPE: So are you a Trekker or a Trekkie? AZMI: [coldly] If you value your life, Your Highness, you'd drop the topic. >didn't change the >room. couldn 't face the truth. that i >wasn't coming back. CALLIOPE: Where have all the capital letters gone? MARY: I'd repeat a Jay Leno joke about Paula Cole's underarm hair here, but I'll probably get quills through my lungs. TAPSLAUGHT: YOU ARE WISE, MORTAL. >The pictures on the dresser were >covered in a thin layer of >dust. She whipped them off. MARY: Kinky! Was the dust wearing leather and whipped cream too? AZMI: Considering that the "layer of dust" is "thin"... no, I don't think so. MARY: Damn. >"we were >happy. i must have broken your heart." TAPSLAUGHT: [puts her hand on Azmi's shoulder] NO. YOU MAY *NOT* SING 'ACHY-BREAKY HEART'. MARY & CALLIOPE: Amen! AZMI: [grumbles something about the First Amendmend] >"You did." AZMI: [Claire] No, I didn't! The butler did it! In the library, with the poker! He *did*! >Clare spun around with a start. MARY: [Clare] Ulp... motion sickness... must... throw... up... [vomiting sound] Sorry about the potted plant. AZMI: Sick, girl, but I love it! CALLIOPE: Say, isn't it supposed to be "Claire" instead of "Clare"? TAPSLAUGHT: NOT A GOOD SIGN. >"Clare, is that really you? You don't >look the same." AZMI: [attempts to snap her talons and fails] I know! Clare is really Claire's dyslexic evil twin! >"your clare is dead. MARY: Just like this story. CALLIOPE: [agitated] But... the title... it said "Claire's Confusion". *Claire*! AZMI: Let it go, Calliope. >i just have some of >her memories. i'm sorry." ALL: [blinks] AZMI: [uncertainly] A clone? >" I know. Raven told me. She said that >Gryphon had brought you back." AZMI: Dear God in heaven, she's Jean Grey's long-lost sister! >"yes. i-clare-never knew how he felt. MARY: Disgust at having to touch her decaying flesh? AZMI: [giggles] CALLIOPE: *Ick*, Mary Sue. >when she died, a part of him did too. AZMI: You mean like that guy in Hitman with the dead Siamese twin? >he was half-mad with grief. he thought he >could bring her back, keep her with him. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] She still owes me bail money from the time she broke into Skywalker Ranch to sneak a peek at "The Phantom Menace". >"I guess he succeeded." TAPSLAUGHT: CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT SHE COULD NOT EVEN SPELL HER NAME RIGHT, I WOULD DISPUTE YOUR CONCLUSION. >"yes, no. MARY: [Clare] I'm feeling indecisive today. Try again later. >he tried to call her-my-spirit >back. AZMI: [smirking at Mary Sue] Shall we? MARY: Lead the way, maestro. AZMI & MARY: [singing] Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it... I just want you back for good... want you back, want you back, I want you back for good... Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it, you'll be right and understood... want you back, want you back, I want you back for good... CALLIOPE: I *cannot* believe you actually know the lyrics to a Take That song. >it was not quite right. MARY: [brightly] Like this fic? AZMI: In the Godzilla movie sorta way. >i'm confused. I don 't know if i'm >clare, or if she is still dead. CALLIOPE: In the Marvel Universe? Understandable. MARY: Who was the Muse who inspired the whole Phoenix retcon, anyway? CALLIOPE: Sorry, our services are confidential. >i only remember he and the man trying >to make me whole. TAPSLAUGHT: [Dr Frankenstein] THIS ARM GOES THERE, THAT SPLEEN GOES IN THERE... OH DEAR, I SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THE BRAIN. OTHERS: [snickers] >i remembered this place. i came." CALLIOPE: [clamps a hand over Mary Sue's mouth] No. MARY: [nods reluctantly] AZMI: Since when are you this uninhibited, anyway? MARY: I was last written by Dex in the Ultimate Writer RR. >"If you remember, than part of Clare >lives on in you. We can be happy again. CALLIOPE: [sighs] Does "Orpheus" rings a bell? >"No." A dark form materialized in the >shadows. AZMI: Laersyn! Thank God you've come to chainsaw us out of this torture. >A tall, gaunt man with troubled >eyes and white hair appeared next to >Clare. MARY: Magnus Lehnsherr? AZMI: Killian? CALLIOPE: Elijah Snow? TAPSLAUGHT: [pointing at "gaunt"] I DON'T THINK SO. >He touched her arm and she vanished. MARY: Now you see her, now you don't! >"Gryphon, bring Clare back! CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] And trap us in this fanfic longer? Are you mad? >"Your Clare was never real! She was only >a clone! MARY: [announcer] Ladies and gentleman, we have another nominee for the Madelyne Pryor Hall of Fame. Past inductees include the Spiderman Clone, Scarlet Witch and Vision's children, and a coherent past for Logan. >You never wondered about her >past? AZMI: [singing] If you want my future, forget my past... OTHERS: AAAAAAA!!!!! >Her family? She had none! She was a >mistake. MARY: [Gryphon] I told you to use contraceptives, but noooo... >She was perfect for you because >you had unconsciously molded her into >what you wanted. AZMI: It's amazing what they can do with Play Doh nowadays. >She was never her own >person. Claire died. ALL: DING-DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD! >Then I made a >mistake. AZMI: You went after Darth Vader too, eh? >I tried to bring her back. Now >she is stuck with the mind of a ghost and >the body of a dead girl! TAPSLAUGHT: SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN DENMARK. MARY: Ew. Can you imagine the smell? CALLIOPE: Maybe the body's been mummified. AZMI: Even worse. >"You always had a soft spot for the >frightened and confused ones, Gryphon." MARY: [Gryphon] They taste really nice steamed with a little ginger and soy sauce. >Raven stood in the doorway. AZMI: [hums Western gunfighter music] >Even in the >light of day she looked spectral. CALLIOPE: [Raven] My new diet's working really well! >In the >dark, her cat eyes glowed dangerously. TAPSLAUGHT: I THOUGHT CAT'S EYES SEEM TO GLOW BECAUSE THEY REFLECT LIGHT. THEREFORE, IT WOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE IN THE DARK. AZMI: Common misconception. >"You stay out of this! CALLIOPE: Out, damned spot! >You are partly to >blame. Clare was caught in your bid for >power. AZMI: 50 dollars! Do I hear a bid for 55 dollars? >Now she is paying the price. MARY: Yeah, now she'll be forever associated with Jean Grey. >"You are not blameless. She died. You >could have left her in peace. But you >brought her back. Why? TAPSLAUGHT: [Death] SHE WON IN CRIPPLE MR ONION. >"I-I..." The Dream lord was speechless. AZMI: [kneeling on her seat] Please, please let it not be Morpheus! >"You fell for her, a worthless piece of >genetic material. MARY: So Apocalypse moonlights as Raven? CALLIOPE: He must have been desperate for money. AZMI: Considering that he's been sitting on his butt for thousands of years doing *nothing*, his savings are probably gone. TAPSLAUGHT: WE'RE THINKING OF REVOKING HIS VILLAIN'S CLUB MEMBERSHIP IF HE MISSES ANOTHER PAYMENT. >When she died, you >couldn't bear the thought of being >without her. MARY: Whatever happened to blow-up dolls? AZMI: Yeah, and like he'd even notice the difference. >HE didn't deserve her. CALLIOPE: [Raven] He deserves better. MARY: God didn't deserve her? Damn straight. >Am I right?" AZMI: Yes, mistress. Grovel, grovel. Please, mistress, punish me! CALLIOPE: Azmifarayaro! [turning to Mary Sue] This is *your* fault. MARY: [sniffs] I am so proud of myself. >Gryphon was furious. "Away Raven. You try >my patience to the limit!" AZMI: Oh, I don't know. I kinda like Cloud's Cross- Slash. MARY: Nah, Aeris' Healing Wind is cooler. >With a wave of >his hand, she was gone. CALLIOPE: It's amazing how the women in this fic seem to come and go with a gesture. >"Pay her no mind, James." TAPSLAUGHT: [Gryphon] SHE'LL ONLY WASTE IT IN THE CANDY SHOP. >"But as you said, Claire is gone. Why >have you not rid yourself of her? MARY: [Gryphon] But I have! Well, not all. I'm saving the liver for a casserole. CALLIOPE: Now that is just plain tasteless. AZMI: Oh, I don't know... liver always has too much taste for my liking. CALLIOPE: [groans] >By some twist we do not understand, she >has gained great power. MARY: [pales] You mean she became Marissa Picard? AZMI: Or Andrew Vincent. The horror! OTHERS: [big sweatdrops] >If she wished she >could probably destroy us all. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] ... if she could stop falling over her own feet. >That kind >of power should not be in the possession >of one with so fractured a mind. AZMI: Nah. Just give her claws, angst and a bad attitude. Your sales'll go up in no time. MARY: Especially if she wears Psylocke's uniform. >You saw >how confused she was. CALLIOPE: You would be too, if your name is spelled "Clare" when it should be "Claire". >She acts purely on impulse. TAPSLAUGHT: MUCH LIKE TWO-THIRDS OF SHOPPERS TODAY. >Like a small child in some ways. AZMI: If she starts crying for mommy, I'm outta here. CALLIOPE: You can't, remember? The doors are locked and our powers don't work. AZMI: [tightly] Just let me preserve some semblance of denial, okay? >But in others she is an adult, with full >ability to wield the power at her >command. MARY: [Clare] I'll make all the TV stations show My Little Pony! Yay! AZMI: And Care Bears. [beat] ALL: AUGH!!! >I must leave you now." MARY: [Gryphon] I have a hot date tonight! >With that, he disappeared. CALLIOPE: ... only to materialize over a deep canyon, where he fell to his death. The end. TAPSLAUGHT: FEELING A LITTLE DARK TODAY, QUEEN OF MUSES? >----------------------------------------- >------------------- AZMI: [singing] London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down... >The tall, pale, woman with dark hair >stood on the road before him. MARY: Hit the accelerator! *THUMP!* 1000 points! >"WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, GRYPHON?" MARY: [Gryphon, leering] Well, you can start by taking off your clothes... CALLIOPE: MARY SUE! MARY: Bite me. >"I need your advise, sister. MARY: Whoops. AZMI: Well, having read Ranma 1/2 fanfic about the Kuno family... TAPSLAUGHT: DO NOT FINISH THAT THOUGHT. >"I AM AT YOUR DISPOSAL." TAPSLAUGHT: [outraged] FOUL COPYRIGHT INFRINGER! I SHALL SMITE THEE TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL, MORTAL! FEEL THE WRATH OF... TAPSLAUGHT! AZMI: How? I'll bet she'll survive force blasts. TAPSLAUGHT: TRANSPORT HER INTO AN ANDREW VINCENT STORY FOR ETERNITY. OTHERS: [wince] >"I made a grave mistake. A woman, Claire, >died. I sought to keep her with me. But I >did not understand then." CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] ... that it was really just a fling. Now she follows me all the time and killed my pet rabbit! >"THIS CLARE, I REMEMBER HER. SHE IS A >HARD ONE TO FORGET. TAPSLAUGHT: [Woman] RARELY HAVE I MET SOMEONE SO ANNOYING... AND STILL BREATHING. >YOU ARE NOT >KNOWLAGABLE ENOUGH TO MEDDLE IN THESE >THINGS. CALLIOPE: I think you meant "knowledgeable". TAPSLAUGHT: NEVER SEND A BOY TO DO A MAN'S JOB. >"So I have been told. Unfortunatly the >warning has come to late. CALLIOPE: That's "unfortunately" and "too". MARY: Are you going to be doing this for the rest of the fic? CALLIOPE: Yes. >Now she lives >with a broken mind and power >unimaginable." AZMI: Wolverine II, now with two x chromosomes! MARY: Wolverina? >"I SEE. YOU ARE TORN. AZMI: [singing] I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn, you're a little late, I'm already torn... MARY: [hopefully] Bound and broken? >YOU DO NOT WISH TO >LOSE HER, BUT SHE IS A THREAT." CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Well, you know what they say -- keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. >"Yes. She is the proverbial fox in the >hen house. AZMI: Fox is robbing henhouses now? David's income must be falling. MARY: The cost of feeding the gargoyles must've sent the accounting department through the roof. >I must teach her to control >her abilities. I was hoping you could >help. MARY: [Gryphon] I need someone to drive the getaway car. >"I AM USED NOT TO DEALING WITH CONFUSION. CALLIOPE: [blinks, then starts to shudder] >THERE IS ONE WHOSE TALENTS WOULD BETTER >SERVE YOU." TAPSLAUGHT: [Woman] HERE IS DR KEVORKIAN'S NUMBER. IF HE'S NOT IN, TRY DR DOOM -- THE FANFIC WRITER, NOT THE ONE WITH THE MASK. >"You're right. I'll take her to him." He >turned to go. CALLIOPE: ... hitting his head on the door, lapsing into a coma whereupon he eventually died. End of story. AZMI: Are you feeling okay, Calliope? CALLIOPE: [snappish] I'm fine. >"GRYPHON. YOU ARE STILL MISSING CRUCIAL >PIECES TO THE PUZZLE YOU TRY TO SOLVE. >PIECES YOU DO NOT KNOW EXIST. GO TO >TRISTIN." TAPSLAUGHT: [Woman] HE'LL GIVE YOU THE MISSING RED AND BLUE BIT. REMEMBER, START ON THE SKY FIRST. >Gryphon spun around. "What do you mean, >Ariana!? Ariana?" She was already gone. CALLIOPE: Of course she's gone. She's a female character. >----------------------------------------- >------------------- MARY: Look out! She's got a gun! AZMI: *BLAM!* Claire's gone, now it's your turn, Marissa... >Gryphon was standing in the ruins of a >once-great hall. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon, snobbish] Can you at least get rid of the dust? It's ruining my Armani jacket. TAPSLAUGHT: YOU DO THAT VERY WELL. CALLIOPE: Thank you. [beat] Hey! AZMI: Pot calling kettle black, TAPSLAUGHT. >"Tristin, I need to talk >to you. Ariana sent me." MARY: [Gryphon] She says you're to wear the leather thong and earring for dinner. >"What do you wish of me?" CALLIOPE: [Morden] What do *you* want, Mr Tristan? >"I want to know more about a woman named >Clare St. Cloude." AZMI: I am Clare Macleod of the clan Macleod... TAPSLAUGHT: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! MARY: Of this fic? I wish. >"Yes...I remember Clare. Very strange mix >up, if I recall. AZMI: [Tristan] Did we put in too much sugar? I think we did. >"Tell me. I need to know everything." CALLIOPE: [Tristan] Sure. Do you have a few million years? >"Oh, you trying to cover your tracks, are >you?" TAPSLAUGHT: SPRINKLING PEPPER WILL USUALLY DO THE TRICK. >"No. I know I'll be found out eventualy. CALLIOPE: That's "eventually". >I just want to sort this all out before I >have to fess up. Where is Claire Ross >now?" CALLIOPE: Finally, a right spelling of her name! AZMI: Don't rejoice too soon, Cal. >"I don't know, but I could find out." AZMI: [Tristan] ... for a fee. MARY: [Gryphon] I only have myself to offer. CALLIOPE: [warningly] Mary Sue... >"Please do. And thank you for your time." AZMI: [Tristan] 'Sokay. I have nothing better to do. >"No problem." TAPSLAUGHT: [Tristan] I'LL GET BULLSEYE ON THE JOB IMMEDIATELY. >----------------------------------------- >------------------- MARY: [snickers] CALLIOPE: What? MARY: You don't want to know. Trust me. AZMI: I do! [Mary Sue whispers into Azmi's ear, and they giggle. TAPSLAUGHT and Calliope stare at each other in confusion, having caught only the words "comparing" and "length".] >"Raven!" MARY: Assume the position! CALLIOPE: I feel ill. >"Yes, my Lord?" > >"Cut the act Raven. AZMI: [Raven] But... but... it's the best one in the whole play! >I know you lied to >me. MARY: [Gryphon, sobbing hysterically] How could you, you beast?! I thought our relationship was special! >Now try and convince me to not kill >you here and now." AZMI: [Raven] I'm cute, don't kill me, I'm cute, don't kill me... TAPSLAUGHT: [disapprovingly] THAT'S MITAI'S LINE. >"I'm sorry! How was I suppose to know >what the deal with Clare was? How could I >have predicted that a little genetic >manipulation would do that? AZMI: [Raven] Really! I didn't know she'd turn out to be another Chibi-Usa! MARY: Talk about a genetic freak. >"It's happened before! You like playing >with other peoples' lives." TAPSLAUGHT: [Death] BUT NOT CHESS. *OR* CRIPPLE MR ONION. I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE RULES. AZMI & MARY: [claps] CALLIOPE: Good impression. TAPSLAUGHT: [modestly] THANK YOU. >"Oh, you mean that Siege Perilous thing. >I was just having fun. What can I say?" AZMI: I thought that was Roma. MARY: Considering the fact that it was an idiotic plot, it's not far-fetched that Raven was behind it. >"Do you have any idea how many people you >messed up with that particular stunt?" CALLIOPE: 196 833? >"No, do you?" > >"Well... THATS NOT THE POINT! TAPSLAUGHT: [sarcastic] A FINE RETORT, GRYPHON. >If you ever >do anything like this again, I will have >to hurt you. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?" AZMI: [Raven, holding hands over ears] Jeez, you don't have to shout, y'know. MARY: [ditto] Besides, your breath stinks. CALLIOPE: Gryphon is just about as threatening as a ladybug with a foam bat. >"Okay, okay I won't do it again." MARY: [Raven] So here're your fishnets and feather boa back. >"Do you promise?" > >"Yes!" > >"Okay." > >Gryphon vanished and Raven uncrossed her >fingers. AZMI: [sighs] Those who didn't see that coming, put your hands up. [None do.] AZMI: I thought so. >END PART ONE OF CLAIRE'S CONFUSION. TAPSLAUGHT: [flatly] YAY. >Well? what did you think? I want to hear >your honest opinion(but be nice) Thanx!!! MARY: Uh-huh. AZMI: Remember... MARY: [scowling] No insults or flames to the writer. I know. >MY E-Mail address is Timesprite@usa.net CALLIOPE: [darkly] I *will* have a discussion with your Muse, Timesprite... AZMI: Hey, the theatre doors are opening! TAPSLAUGHT: THEN LET US LEAVE. [They stand up and walk towards the doors, shoulders slumped.] SATELLITE #1013'S LOUNGE "Ughhh..." Azmi groaned as she leaned back on the sofa as closed her eyes. "That was terrible." Mary shook back her mass of red hair. "I've read worse. I just wish that it didn't sound as if the writer blatantly ripped off Sandman. Neil Gaiman was a *good* writer, dammit." "INDEED," TAPSLAUGHT interjected. "CAN IT BE MORE OBVIOUS? GRYPHON IS REALLY MORPHEUS IN DISQUISE, ARIANA IS DEATH, AND RAVEN..." "Desire," Calliope finished. She eyed the bar thoughtfully. "Anybody want a drink?" "Pink vodka, please," said Azmi, not opening her eyes. "BLOOD. WITH A TWIST OF LIME AND AN UMBRELLA." Calliope raised an eyebrow, pausing in the midst of rummaging through the bottles. "Very well." "Guinness for me," decided Mary Sue. "I didn't know you're a bartender too, Calliope." The Muse shrugged. "When you've been to a party in Olympus, you'd learn to mix your own drinks, too." "Why? Are they that terrible?" asked Mary Sue. "No... it's because gods like a good joke as much as everyone else." Mary Sue and Azmi winced. "Sounds painful," said the latter. Calliope nodded. "Zeus never could take a joke as well as he could dish it out." "All right, boobies," interrupted a nasal, high- pitched voice. "It's time for a check-up. Any feelings of impending insanity, hallucinations of Perry Como, broken will, etc?" The newcomer was a woman with long black hair, an orange stripe blazing its way in the middle of the straggly locks. She wore tight spandex shorts, and a leather jacket which looked deliberately torn. Fishnets and knee-high boots encased her legs. The message on her ripped white t-shirt read: "Say hello to Death, scumbags". Her face was powdered dead white except for a black starburst pattern over her left eye, which matched her lipstick. In the midst of the black-and-white landscape, a ruby nose stud glowed wine red. She glared at them with pupilless eyes. "Well?" she demanded, holding a clipboard. "TAPSLAUGHT FINDS YOUR LACK OF MANNERS OFFENSIVE, PUNY MORTAL." "Yeah? Too damn bad. Deal with it." She snorted, scribbling something. "Hmph. Dr McCoy'll not be pleased." "We'd like to keep our sanity a little longer, thank you very much." Mary Sue gave her a long, speculative look. "Who the hell are you, anyway?" "Name's Rosavenger. I run this hunk of tin the furred bugger calls a satellite." "Rosa... venger?" repeated Azmi incredulously. The aforenamed woman looked annoyed. "Look, pretty-pretty, I didn't bloody choose the name," she growled defensively. "My Writer did, idiot that he is." Calliope's eyes widened. "Wait a second... aren't you that failed "bad girl" character?" Rosavenger whirled around, eyes narrowed. "How the hell did you know that, yuppie woman?" "Your Writer's Muse cried for a week after he created you." "Yeah? It's damn hard to be a bad girl when you sound like Fran Fine." The black-haired woman folded her arms. "And that stupid "signature weapon" he bloody gave me..." "WHICH WOULD BE...?" TAPSLAUGHT boomed in. "A magic nose stud." "I beg your pardon?" the Muse asked, startled. Rosavenger sighed. "It's like the Witchblade. Y'know, a female bearer every generation and shit like that?" Mary Sue's lips twitched. "It doesn't sound *that* bad." "Yeah? Watch this... it's the stud's special power." She lifted the fingers of her left hand in the "Victory" sign. There was a glow from the nose stud, and a rubber band materialized between her fingers. With her right thumb and forefinger, she sent it flying towards the bar, narrowly missing Calliope. It hit a bottle of Jack Daniels, bounced off, and came to rest on the impeccably polished bartop. Silence. "BWAHAHAHA!" The two redheads (one real, the other only in spirit) of the group slid to the deck in hysterical laughter. Calliope did her best not to giggle, but TAPSLAUGHT was rapidly losing the battle against an army of guffaws. Rosavenger merely threw her hands up in resignation, glaring at the laughing duo. "Um... heh... um..." Whatever Azmi was going to say in the way of commiseration was lost, however, when sirens and alarms blared out its raucous symphony. "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" they shouted in unison. "Hey, Rosa-- oh, she's gone..." "Forget her, let's go!" "Jeez, *you* sound enthusiastic." "You know what they say, the faster we finish this..." "THE SOONER WE CAN GO. LET US BEGIN, THEN." [Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. The ladies file into theatre and sit in their previous seats.] >The X-MEN are the property of >Marvel Comics. Don't Sue me >please. CALLIOPE: Actually, we may be able to sue her in British courts under the law of tort, for neglecting the duty of care to limit harm caused by one's action. MARY: Going by that, we'll *definitely* be able to sue her in the courts of the USA. AZMI: Play nice, kitties. >Claire Ross is MY >character. MARY: Imagine if she's a MARVEL character. ALL: [shudder] AZMI: After all, they already have precedence in Jean. >This story is MINE. If >you steal my characters at least >let me know. MARY: Dear Timesprite: May I use your character, Claire? It's for my sequel to Laersyn's "Devil's Due." AZMI: [makes chainsaw sounds] > CLAIRE'S >CONFUSION Part Two TAPSLAUGHT: [flat] COMMENCE THE TORTURE. >Lost Time CALLIOPE: The remake of "X Marks the Spot" starring Leonardo DiCaprio as Mulder and Britney Spears as Scully, directed by a clone of Ed Wood. >It's raining. AZMI: [singing] I'm only happy when it rains... >I hate the rain. AZMI: Oh. CALLIOPE: [narrator] Ugh, look at what it did to my hair! TAPSLAUGHT: I AM NOT SURPRISED, CONSIDERING THE AMOUNT OF POLLUTANTS IN THE AIR. MARY: Thank you *so* much. And to think I used to like seeing the rain... >I >get onto the cramped subway train >and find a seat. CALLIOPE: Unfortunately, its last occupant was an incontinent drunk. >I ignore the stares. MARY: [narrator] Is it wrong to wear a fluorescent green bikini top and polka-dotty baggy pants with a Smurf cap? Huh? >I hear their thoughts >of 'mutie' 'Maybe she's got that >mutie disease.' 'She shouldn't be >allowed to ride with us normal >people' CALLIOPE: X-Men fanfic cliche #1: All 'flatscans' must hate mutants. MARY: In this case, I forgive them. >I'm doing my best remain >calm when I feel a tug on my >sleeve. TAPSLAUGHT: DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING *REALLY* SCARY? >I look down into a pair of >innocent blue eyes of a young >girl. CALLIOPE: Sadly, she failed to notice the unholy gleam in 'her' eyes until too late. A brief shriek later, there was nothing left of her except for an acid-burned black shoe... and the monster rests. >"You have pretty hair." AZMI: [girl] I've never seen a hairstyle with a rabbit cage on it! >"Thank you." The comment touches >my heart. Most times it's my hair >that sets me apart. MARY: [narrator] I *told* my hairstylist I want the Monica style, but he gave me Medusa! WAAAAAAA!!!!! >Pink and blue, too pale to be dye, >it's what gets me branded as a >mutant outright. AZMI: Good Lord, it's CHIBI-USA AND JESSE BLUE'S DAUGHTER! OTHERS: EWW! >If that doesn't >startle them my eyes do. AZMI: [TV newscaster] And now, we switch over to Mary Sue, reporting live from the site of the tragedy. Hello, Mary Sue. MARY: [reporter] Hello, Azmifarayaro. AZMI: [TV newscaster] What's the latest development? MARY: [reporter] Apparently, an eyewitness describe her as having, and I quote, "eyes of pure hellfire". The police are treating this as stress-induced hallucinations, but the statement was supported by another eyewitness who describe her eyes as "fiery with a terrible anger." TAPSLAUGHT: CUTE. >Ones >blue, the other purple. It's >enough to make the racists crawl >out of the woodwork. AZMI: Why? It's not like it's all that unusual nowadays, what with contacts and all. MARY: Just smile and nod. >That is why I >am so touched by AZMI: ... An Angel. MARY: I don't like that show. >her comment. All >she sees is a person. CALLIOPE: X-Men fanfic cliche #42: Children are the only ones who don't hate mutants, due to their innocence. >"Don't bother the lady, dear." CALLIOPE: You might contract something unpleasant, like Mary Sue-ism. [looks at Mary Sue] The *original* one. >Then she looked up from her paper. >"Oh my! TAPSLAUGHT: KASUMI? >Come on Kathy, we're >leaving!" MARY: [mother] Let's get out of this horrible fanfic! >If only we could stay that way. AZMI: Said by one who never had *six* set of memories of high school in her head... MARY: I feel for you. >---------------------------------- >-------------------------- MARY: [scholarly] Here, we compare the irritant factor of two well-known boybands, N'Sync and Backstreet Boys. >Later AZMI: Okay! I'll just be off, then... TAPSLAUGHT: SIT DOWN, AZMIFARAYARO. AZMI: [sighs] >Standing on the front porch of a >huge house, CALLIOPE: [narrator] How odd. There's a flash of lightning and the sky was perfectly clear... >on the threshold of a AZMI: Threshold? Isn't that the crappy Voyager episode? MARY: "Crappy" describes more than 50% of Voyager, Azmi. AZMI: It's the one where Paris mutated into some kind of slug. TAPSLAUGHT: MUCH LIKE THIS FANFIC. >new life. AZMI: [motherly] I know that puberty can be very difficult sometimes... >A man in red glasses >answered the door. AZMI: [Lurch] YESSSSSSSSSSS? >The minute I >saw him I knew this must be >Cyclops. CALLIOPE: And how, may I ask? I thought his superhero identity is a secret! MARY: Having read through nearly two parts of this story, you still ask? CALLIOPE: Point taken. >"Um...are you Scott Summers?" TAPSLAUGHT: NO... I'M BATMAN! >"Yes, how can I help you?" MARY: [narrator] Where.. umm... you know... the place with the young ladies? >"My name is Claire Ross. I'm >looking for Professor Xavier. CALLIOPE: [Scott] Uh, lemme check. [tilts her head to one side] He's not in. Bye! [slams door] Professor? It's safe to come out now... >"The Professor is..Uh.. >indisposed. MARY: [Scott, babbling] Uh, the leather thong I'm wearing? Nothing, why do you ask? CALLIOPE: MARY SUE! >I'm afraid he won't be >back anytime in the near future. AZMI: [Scott] And everything goes well, he never will! MWAHAHAHAHA! >"Oh, I'm sorry. I've wasted your >time." I turned to go. TAPSLAUGHT: [Scott, mumbling] GOOD RIDDANCE. >"Miss? Are you sure we can't help >you? AZMI: [Scott] We have an extra Minnie Mouse costume and a ball gag. CALLIOPE: Azmifarayaro... AZMI: [whistles innocently] >You knew Professor Xavier, >didn't you?" > >"Yes. He helped me a few years >back." MARY: IfyaknowwhatImean! >"Maybe we can help you now. Why >don't you come inside." CALLIOPE: [Scott] Welcome to my parlour, childe... [laughs darkly] >I didn't know what to do. TAPSLAUGHT: COMMIT HARA-KIRI TO REGAIN YOUR LOST HONOUR? AZMI: Run screaming for the hills? CALLIOPE: Beg forgiveness for forcing them into this fanfic? MARY: Seduce them into providing a sequel to "Mhairie"? OTHERS: [big sweatdrops] >Logic >dictated that I shouldn't stand >there in the rain, TAPSLAUGHT: [Spock] EMINENTLY LOGICAL. >but I was >reluctant to dump my problems on a >bunch of people I didn't know. AZMI: Why not? That's how talk radio hosts make their money. >"Well...Okay. I guess it >couldn't hurt. MARY: ... she thought, not noticing the crazed grin that lit up Scott's face and the whip he hid behind his back. CALLIOPE: Mary Sue... MARY: [rolls eyes] >---------------------------------- >-------------------------- AZMI: This is your intelligence. *This* is your intelligence after watching 'Jerry Springer'. MARY: It should be much lower. >I was sitting across from a >red-head who had identified >herself as Jean. TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] JEAN... I AM YOUR MOTHER. CALLIOPE: [Jean] No! That's not true... that's impossible! TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS... YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE. >When I had come >in I told Scott why I was there. AZMI: [Claire] Could I borrow some sugar? MARY: [Claire, breathy] So to speak... >He said that he would fetch his >wife. CALLIOPE: Good Scott! Roll over, Scott! Good boy! >"I guess she's one of the most >powerful telepaths on the planet >now.She should be able to help. AZMI: [Scott] But it really depends on who's writing her this month. >"Why don't we start by telling me >about yourself. Specifically how >you came to meet the professor." MARY: [Claire] Well, there was this bar... >"Well, it started when I was 15. CALLIOPE: [flipping through a small book] Ah, here we are. Rule #108 of The Heroes' And Heroines' Rulebook: A mutant's powers must start around age 15. This causes much angst, since it interferes with their social life. >Little things. MARY: [Claire] The Professor was very self- conscious about it for a while, but the Viagra really helps. TAPSLAUGHT: MARY SUE. MARY: [to Calliope] Isn't that supposed to be *your* schtick? >Now I should mention that AZMI: ... I'm wanted by half of the world's law enforcers. MARY: ... I have rabies. >for as long as I >could remember my mother had been >in denial. ALL: [snicker] MARY: Too easy. >she had dyed my hair >brown, made up some story to >explain my eyes. TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire's mother] WE WERE VACATIONING NEAR CHERNOBYL WHEN OUR CLAIRE WAS CONCEIVED. >I had never >questioned her. AZMI: [Igor] Yeth, mawther. >I had no reason >to. MARY: [Claire] I mean, would I want to cut off the hand that gave me my allowance? >Then things began to change. AZMI: [singing] Everything changes but you! >Things would fall over when I >walked by, stuff like that. MARY: They have a poltergeist in the house! >Then >one evening we got into an >argument. AZMI: [Claire] But I wanna wear the black dress! MARY: [Claire's mother] Young lady, you're not going to your grandmother's house dressed like that. Wear the pink one. AZMI: No! MARY: Don't make me take away your MTV! >I wanted to stop dying >my hair. CALLIOPE: [Claire] It's, like, World War III up there! >I wanted to know what >colour it was naturally. AZMI: Honey, you could have found that out on your own, you know. MARY: Easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission. CALLIOPE: I suppose *you* would know. >She went nuts. AZMI: There were walnuts and hazelnuts and acorns all over the place! MARY: [singing] Millions of peanuts, peanuts for me... TAPSLAUGHT: ACTUALLY, PEANUTS ARE REALLY A KIND OF PEA, NOT NUT. MARY: [huffy silence] >I didn't understand why. AZMI: Why ask why? >I started screaming at her. MARY: [soap-operaish] DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I *LOVE* HIM! >Then it happened. MARY: Wow, *that* was sudden. CALLIOPE: Wha-- MARY SUE! >All at once all the >glass in the house exploded. AZMI: Like that X-Files episode with the reincarnated cop. CALLIOPE: Oh, you mean 'Born Again'. MARY: *You're* an X-Phile? CALLIOPE: I only watch it for Skinner and the Well-Manicured Man. [Azmi and Mary exchange a look.] AZMI: O-kayyy... >Then >the plates and so on. MARY: That's a strong scream... are you sure this kid isn't related to Sean Cassidy? AZMI: Maybe she's his daughter in an alternate universe, by Tsukino Usagi. >My mom ran >from the house. She didn't come >back. Ever. CALLIOPE: Not even for clothes and money? TAPSLAUGHT: I SUSPECT SHE HAS BEEN SALTING AWAY HER BINGO WINNINGS IN A SWISS BANK ACCOUNT. >My dad was so >frightened. He finally contacted AZMI: [singing] When there's something strange, in the neighbourhood... who're you gonna call? OTHERS: [ditto] GHOSTBUSTERS! >Professor Xavier. AZMI: Oh. Does he have a cool ray gun too? MARY: [snigger] >He didn't know >what else to do. TAPSLAUGHT: THE CANNING FACTORY WAS OUT OF THE QUESTION, AND GALACTUS ALREADY HAS A HERALD. >When we paid a >visit, CALLIOPE: ... to the mental hospital, they told me not to worry as they'll take very good care of me. Well, the straightjacket was kinda nice. MARY: To the X-Mansion? Same thing, really. >the Professor told me that >I was a telekinetic and that my >powers were tied into my emotions. AZMI: [Prof X] I realize you're happy and you know it, but could you please stop making us stamp our feet? >I was also a low level telepathy. CALLIOPE: A "low level *telepath*". AZMI: Low level, yeah right. Anybody taking bets as to an increase in power? MARY: Why bet on a sure thing? >He helped me get control, TAPSLAUGHT: [Yoda] CONTROL, YOU MUST LEARN CONTROL! >but >wanted me to stay on at the >school. My dad would hear none of >it. MARY: Why? You'd think he's be ecstatic to keep her away from society for a while longer. >I was controlled. That was all >that mattered. TAPSLAUGHT: [Borg] RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. AZMI: Her father must've worked for the Ministry of Truth. CALLIOPE: War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength. >When we came home, >he sent me away to school. MARY: Excusez-moi? So why *didn't* he let her go to a school which would let her out of his hair *and* help her control her powers? AZMI: The IQ of a dead prawn? MARY: That would do it. >I was >angry, to say the least. MARY: [Claire, sobbing] Now I'll never get a chance to sleep with Scott before he gets married! >One >moment, I had what seemed like a >happy, normal family. AZMI: [Claire] We lived in this nice place called Fear Street, too. >The next I'm >being shuffled between boarding >school and summer camp. CALLIOPE: [soccer commentator] The School team got off to a jittery start tonight, but it looks like they're finally getting their act together. AZMI: [ditto] It's about time! The score now is tied at 2-2, after newcomer Smith from Summer Camp shot a beautiful goal in the 48th minute. What do you think, Calliope? CALLIOPE: She's a striker to watch, I'd say. And here comes team captain Cheng, the Physics teacher, with Claire. Will you look at that! Made a splendid pass to McQueen, now feeding it to-- oh! Intercepted by Hernandez! Shame, shame. >I never went home. AZMI: [singing] Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree, it's been three long years, do you still want me? MARY: [ditto] If I don't see a ribbon 'round the old oak tree... I'll stay on the bus, forget about us, put the blame on me... AZMI & MARY: [singing lustily] If I don't see a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree! CALLIOPE: This has been a blatant but heartfelt plug for the Yellow Ribbon Page at http://www.subreality.com/yellow.htm, brought to you by the crew of Satellite #1013. >When my dad died when I >was 18, I was left hanging. TAPSLAUGHT: ... BY A THREAD AT THE EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE, WHERE CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION WAITED. LADY LUCK WAS NOT FEELING KIND THAT DAY. CALLIOPE: The fanfic got to you too, hmm? >I had >inherited a good chunk of money, MARY: [snort] CALLIOPE: Of course. >so I enrolled in collage. MARY: She covered herself with glue and rolled on pieces of coloured paper? >The >stress was too much and my powers >flew out of check. AZMI: Speaking as someone who has more than one college experience rattling in her memories, I can sympathize all too well. >I lived on my >own for a few years. MARY: ... with the odd lover or two and a succession of goldfishes. >Life was >getting pretty unbearable. CALLIOPE: Why? Didn't she inherit a fortune? >I couldn't hold a job, because >whenever I got angry, things would >start exploding." AZMI: And so, as a last resort, Claire found herself staring at the doors of DiC. MARY: ... where she was eventually hired to voice the Sailor Starlights, the highlight of her dubbing career. >"Why didn't you come to the >Professor for help?" CALLIOPE: [Claire] What, and ruin a plot device? >"I don't know. I guess it had >never crossed my mind that my life >could get better. ALL: [facefault] MARY: How dumb *is* this girl? AZMI: Now, Mary. She could be just... umm... ignorant. >I figured >that no one was bothering me, AZMI: [Claire] Because when I turn sideways, I'm practically invisible! >so I would just keep going >the way I was. >I guess I felt that I >didn't deserve better." MARY: Works for me. AZMI: [reproachfully] That was cruel. >"Then why come now?" [TAPSLAUGHT and Calliope clamp their hands on Mary Sue's shoulders.] TAPSLAUGHT: NO. MARY: [sulkily] Fine. [beat] AZMI: [Claire] The vibrator's batteries were running low. CALLIOPE & TAPSLAUGHT: AZMIFARAYARO! [Mary Sue and Azmi high-five each other.] >"Something happened. Something I >just can't deal with on my own. >It's just too weird. AZMI: Honey, you *are* in this fanfic. Deal with it. >A few months >ago, I woke up in a hospital. I >had no I idea how I had got there. CALLIOPE: She must have been on the same spaceship as Scully. TAPSLAUGHT: AT LEAST SHE DID NOT WAKE UP TO FIND TWO PLANETS ON HER CHEST. CALLIOPE: What makes you so sure? >I had gone to bed in my apartment, >and woken up there. or at least >that's what I thought. MARY: Do you have that guy's phone number? I want it! AZMI: What's the use of sex if you can't remember doing it? MARY: Point. CALLIOPE: Ladies, remember something called the Comics Code? >Then I >discovered that they thought I was >someone else. TAPSLAUGHT: [doctor] WE THOUGHT YOUR NAME WAS MARY SUE. >Clare St. Cloude was >the name they had me under. AZMI: [cheerful nurse] Feeling comfy under the name, miss? CALLIOPE: That would explain the spelling in the first chapter... I think. >Same >first name, but spelt wrong. And I >had been there for two weeks. CALLIOPE: Actually, she had been sedated for the last week as the hospital staff eventually came to the heart-wrenching decision of letting her live. >The >killer thing is, it was a whole >year and a half after I had gone >to sleep." MARY: [grandmotherly] And the moral of story is: never go out dancing with fairies after smoking weed. >"Did anyone have any idea who >Clare St. Cloude was?" AZMI: She's the second cousin twice removed of the half sister of your great-great-grandson in the future. >The doctors said I was brought in >by someone claming to be my >sister. CALLIOPE: [incredulous] Someone wants to admit to being related to her? TAPSLAUGHT: SHOCKING, IS IT NOT? AH, WELL. YOU CANNOT CHOOSE YOUR RELATIVES, THEY SAY. >The reason they remembered >her was because she had rainbow >coloured hair. They thought we >must be related. MARY: [doctor] Well, um... we did notice that they looked identical, but we thought it was just the eyeshadow. >I was in a coma >when I was brought in. TAPSLAUGHT: THE DIFFERENCE WAS MINIMAL, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. >She left me >there and never came back. AZMI: [singing] Un-break my heart, come back and say you love me... >The >phone number she had given them >was fake. CALLIOPE: [doctor] Hello, is that Ms St. Cloude? MARY: [husky] No, it's Madame Fantastique's House of Chains and Whips. CALLIOPE: [glares at Mary Sue] >I don't know who she >was. CALLIOPE: Isn't this girl just a *wee* suspicious about the similarities between her and the mysterious person? TAPSLAUGHT: JUST SMILE, NOD, AND PLOT VENGEANCE. >I don't have any siblings. MARY: [Claire] I pushed them ALL out of the nest. [laughs darkly] >The >real reason I came here is to find >out what happened to me. CALLIOPE: [Jean] I'm a telepath, not a psychic. >My powers >are pretty much under control, MARY: [Claire] I held my breath until they said yes! >although the telepathic ones seem >to have increased somewhat. Can >you help me?" AZMI: [Jean] Let me check our schedule for a while... [pretends to flip through a book] Is Tuesday fine with you? The current Mary Sue should be riding into the sunset with Remy then. We'll just thaw out another Gambit from the fridge. >"We can help you gain better >control over your powers, Claire. AZMI: ... and anyway, we need someone to feed the cat and water the plants while we're away on a mission. >As for the rest, maybe we will be >able to unravel it as we progress. AZMI: [pretending to be unravelling a ball of yarn] Here's the telekinesis thread, and here-- ARGH! Dammit, the TK shield and the Mary Sue Deus Ex Machina are hopelessly tangled! >---------------------------------- >-------------------------- CALLIOPE: I think we're running out of line gags. TAPSLAUGHT: YOU'RE THE MUSE. INSPIRE US. >Elsewhere MARY: Down the toilet? >"I just uncovered something that >may be of interest to you." TAPSLAUGHT: THANK YOU, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THAT SPIDERS HAVE THE SAME BLOOD PRESSURE AS HUMANS. >"Pray tell, Gryphon. Pray tell." MARY: ... so that I know if I have to send the divorce papers. >"Claire Ross. She's alive. AZMI: [Xanatos] It's alive! It's ALIVE! I've always wanted to say that. >"Are you certain?" CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] No, that pulse could have been just a maggot under her wrist. >"Yes. Tristin told me." MARY: [unknown person] What, that drunk at the corner? You fool! >"Wonderful. Bring her to me" AZMI: ... and a bag of nachos. >"I will do so immediately." MARY: [Gryphon] Right after I watch Ally McBeal. >Gryphon left and the man turned >back CALLIOPE: ... unfortunately missing the glint of a metal blade. Fifteen minutes and a "repainted" room later, it was over. The end. >to his computer model of >a DNA helix. An evil laugh rang >out. TAPSLAUGHT: [sarcastic] LET ME PUT MY CONSIDERABLE INTELLECT INTO SOLVING THIS PUZZLE. NOW, WHO *COULD* THAT BE? CALLIOPE: Sinister? MARY: Dark Beast? AZMI: I'll put a tenner on the first one. >---------------------------------- >-------------------------- AZMI: I just realized something... that looks like an upside-down bed. MARY: Must've been some wild party up at the X- Mansion. >Danger Room AZMI: Danger, Will Robinson! MARY: Goddess, it's a room full of mimes! >"Claire, the purpose of this >session is just to test the extent >of your abilities, and the >degree of control you have over >them. MARY: ... and to see if you can keep your hair looking good and your breasts bouncy, even while being mauled by the Marauders. Those are very important criterias for an X-Woman. >If you get into any trouble, >we can cancel the session." AZMI: [Scott, laughing darkly] "Cancel the session." Surrrrrrreeeeee... >Pretty standard stuff. I dodge >some laser bolts, blow up a few >robots CALLIOPE: [Claire] Lasers and robots, ho-hum. Why, in my days I used to fight off a dozen Sentinels *and* the Hellfire Club while doing the macarena! >using instincts I didn't >know I had and training I don't >remember receiving. MARY: Been there, read that, complained about it in racmx. AZMI: In other words, Wolverine. CALLIOPE: And just about every self-insertion fic out there. >In the control booth AZMI: [Pinky] What will we do tonight, Brain? TAPSLAUGHT: [Brain] SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY -- TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! >"I thought you said that she had >no training at all." CALLIOPE: [Jean] Hello? We *are* in a Mary Sue story, love. >"That's what she told me, Scott. I >got no sense that she was lying to >me." MARY: [Jean] At least, that's what I assumed. [exaggerated shudder] I turned tail after five seconds. >"But if she was trained, she could >hide the fact that she was, at >least superficially." CALLIOPE: How? Isn't Jean supposed to be the bloody most powerful telepath on Earth? Anyway, if they wanted to find out whether she's trained, shouldn't they start off with a sparring session with one of the X-Men? Would that not make more sense than the DANGER ROOM for her FIRST try?! TAPSLAUGHT: JUST SMILE AND NOD, QUEEN OF MUSES. >"It's possible. I wasn't actively >scanning her. What are you getting >at?" MARY: [sarcastic] My, isn't *she* the sharp one. AZMI: Well, we all know that Jean's IQ has been cut in half ever since she married Scott. Along with all of her personality, incidentally. >"I'm not sure, Jean. Something >just isn't adding up." TAPSLAUGHT: LIKE THE LOGIC IN THIS FANFIC, YOU MEAN. >Before Jean >can reply, her attention is drawn >back to the Danger Room session. AZMI: [Jean] Oh my! She's stripping to the Star Wars theme! >"Claire, look out!" CALLIOPE: [Scott] Shh! Do you *really* want her to survive? >I spin around in time to see a >huge piston hurtling towards me. MARY: It's a reject from La Blue Girl! AZMI: [giggles] CALLIOPE: [turning to TAPSLAUGHT] Should I even bother? TAPSLAUGHT: [thinks for a while] NO. >I close my eyes and brace for >impact. ALL: [chanting] DIE! DIE! DIE! >Nothing happens. ALL: [facefault] >I open my eyes. MARY: ... and behold the unpleasantly grinning faces of three brothers. >"What the..." The piston is >being held off by a blue aura that >is surrounding me. MARY: She's really going all out to preserve her virginity, isn't she? CALLIOPE: Mary Sue... one more tasteless joke like that and you'll be sitting in the corner. >"Jean?" AZMI: No, it's Madelyne... wait... no, it's Redd... whoops, it's really Phoenix this week. >"It's not me, Scott. MARY: [Jean] It was that funny-looking wizard with the walking luggage. >Claire is >doing it by herself. Claire what's >going on?" CALLIOPE: [Claire] The Deus Ex Machina is kicking in! >"I don't know!" I yell, panic >seeping into my voice. "I've never >done this before! MARY: It'll hurt a little at first, but-- [notices Calliope's hard, unforgiving glare] Fine, I'll shut up now... >What is it?" TAPSLAUGHT: I AM THE ANGEL OF VENGEANCE, COME TO SMITE THEE ON BEHALF OF GOOD FANFIC EVERYWHERE! >"It's a TK shield, Claire. Calm >down." AZMI: [Jean] And please, remove your teeth from my calf. >"How do I turn it off?" CALLIOPE: Hitting your head repeatedly with heavy objects usually helps. AZMI: [Jean] Put a piece of bubblegum in your belly button! CALLIOPE: Yuk. Thank you for that wonderful mental image. >"Open your mind to me." MARY: [Jean] Claire, I did NOT need to know about you, Gambit, and a boysenberry pie. >Jean hits >the cancel button and the piston >disappears. AZMI: [Claire, sniffling] But we were just getting to know each other! MARY: [husky] We'll always have the Danger Room. >"Okay." The bubble vanishes. AZMI: Guys? I don't know about you, but I'm getting *very bad* flashbacks of those sentient pink bubbles in "The New Rebellion". >"Apparently, this is a new >manifestation of your powers. CALLIOPE: What is it now, the 47th? TAPSLAUGHT: OF ABOUT 666. >Since you seem to have perfect >control of your other abilities," CALLIOPE: I wouldn't call not being able to shut off her TK shield "perfect control", lad. TAPSLAUGHT: HE SAID *OTHER* ABILITIES. CALLIOPE: [ungraciously] My mistake. >There is suspicion in Cyclops' >voice, MARY: [Scott] We have a traitor in our midst! AZMI: [Bishop] That's *my* agenda, you thief! CALLIOPE: [Remy] Gambit's th' one an' only t'ief 'round here, Tattoo Boy. TAPSLAUGHT: [Ororo] I BEG YOUR PARDON? *KRAK- BOOM!* >"We will work on >controlling and extending this >power." CALLIOPE: [Scott] Then, we'll send you out as target practice! >---------------------------------- >---------------------------------- >-------------- AZMI: [newscaster] Newsflash: Last night, Subreality was buried under three metres of snow. Officials are not saying anything, but it is believed that a pack of disgruntled Mutant X's Ice-Mans were responsible for the incident. >The past few weeks have gone well. MARY: I got the beanie babies I sent for, and slept with three different X-Men! >I've learned to use my TK shilde to >not only for defence, but >ofence as well. CALLIOPE: By picking up people and bashing them against her TK shield? >I am able to >capture small objects and hurl >them across the room, TAPSLAUGHT: I TREMBLE IN FEAR. >or use the >shild itself as a kind of >exoskeleton, addindg power to >punches and kicks. CALLIOPE: That's "adding", and you misspelled "shield" again. AZMI: I wonder if she could make her shield opaque... MARY: Why? AZMI: So we could use it to avoid reading this fic. >I have also >became friends with some of the >X-men. CALLIOPE: Just as tasty as the X-Men, but with 99% less steroid and silicone. >Gambit and Wolverine in >particular have became the people >I am most inclined to talk to, AZMI: Every fangirl's dream. MARY: If Claire gets together with Gambit, I'm out of here... hunting her throughout Subreality. >all >though all Storm , Rogue, and Jean >are equaly good company. CALLIOPE: [Rogue] We're just waitin' f'r th' raight moment ta arrange a lil'... accident. >For the >most part, my life has taken on >some meaning. AZMI: Couldn't you just take up collecting pocket lint? MARY: Or growing tea somewhere in Tibet. >I do not know if I >will stay here once my training is >compleat, CALLIOPE: That's "complete". TAPSLAUGHT: WHICH I SINCERELY HOPE THIS STORY WILL BE SOON. >but I feel secure here AZMI: ... except for the Marauders, Sentinels, Bastion, Magneto, Friends of Humanity, Sinister, Apocalypse and other assorted baddies. But it's really quite safe here, if you don't count the mad priest lady next door. >and the idea of working to help >other people apeals to me. AZMI: ... by destroying half of New York, we're helping millions of construction workers to stay employed! MARY: [Claire] I love spandex and retcons. >The >X-men have helped me find myself >again after so much lost time. CALLIOPE: [Remy] Here's th' map and th' s'ovel, chere. >End Part Two. ALL: THANK THE SUPREME BEING! > Onto Part >Three of Claire's Confusion ALL: WAUGGGGGHHHH! AZMI: When will the hurting stop? >Father's Sins MARY: He should've gotten the vasectomy. CALLIOPE: Look sharp, people. The doors are open! AZMI: [weakly] Let's get out of here. [They leave, wobbling slightly.] SATELLITE #1013'S KITCHEN The kitchen of the satellite was fully equipped with the latest in cooking technology, including a small replicator. It was incongrously festooned with floral patterns, from the blue-and-white tiles to the red daisies tablecloth. The fine china plates had chrysanthemums on them, with matching cutlery. It was a kitchen where the cast of "A Bug's Life" would feel at home. However, the "floral diarrhea" (to use Mary Sue's description) was more than balanced by the glum faces of its current occupants. Azmi had buried her head in her arms, occasionally banging it on the table. Calliope was cheerfully preparing grilled lamb chops, and only her fellow prisoners recognized the homicidal gleam in her eyes as she studied the knives. TAPSLAUGHT sat silently beside Mary Sue, who was polishing off the last of her yellowtail sushi and green tea. "At least we know we won't starve up here," Mary tentatively pointed out. *THUNK!* Smiling maniacally, the Muse cut the meat into two pieces, putting both into a rose-patterned bowl. As she seasoned them with black pepper, she said evenly, "Cold comfort." "PAINFUL, YOU MEAN." "That, too." Calliope's grip on the pepper grinder tightened. Azmi slowly raised her head. "I don't know about you, guys, but I don't think I can survive the next part... at least, not this soon." She pressed a hand against her temple, wincing slightly. "God, I haven't felt this bad since I fought TAPSLAUGHT... ah, no offence..." "NONE TAKEN," TAPSLAUGHT assured her. "AND I CONCUR." "I don't think I'm up to facing the next part either," Mary confessed. A haunted look passed through the Muse's face as she set down the bowl, sitting down with uncharacteristic heaviness. "I am a deity, practically a goddess! Why do I not have control over this, DAMN IT TO HELL? WHY?!" TAPSLAUGHT sighed. "I HAVE THE UNSETTLING FEELING THAT WE ARE MERE PAWNS IN GAME MEANT TO AMUSE OTHERS... LIKE CHARACTERS IN A STORY." "So instead of a supreme being who created the world from the entrails of his parent, we have loons powered on alcohol and caffeine?" Mary Sue snorted. "How comforting." Something huge, white, and plastic landed in the middle of the table, missing Azmi by mere milimetres as it rested in front of her nose. With a startled oath she jumped up, staring at the square object. "What the bloody hell is *that*?" she demanded, looking up at the ceiling. Confirming her half-formed suspicions, there were no signs suggesting that it had in fact fallen through the roof. "It looks like... a giant computer key," Calliope began, poking at it with a ladle. "You know, from the keyboard?" "INDEED. A 'Q', AS A MATTER OF FACT." Mary Sue waved her hands. "Time out, people. The questions here are: Why, and how?" "Wait a minute," said Azmi cautiously. "We were talking about being characters in a story when this happened... do you guys think that we just broke through the fourth wall?" Shocked gasps and curses greeted her speculation. Calliope stared at the key, as if daring it to jump up and bite her. TAPSLAUGHT's expression was very similar, except that she looked as if she almost *hoped* that the key would attack. "This is too weird," Mary commented. "But it makes sense. But why..." The usual sirens and alarms drowned the rest of her words, sending shudders down the spines of all four. Ths time, though, no shouts or hullaballoo greeted the ruckus. "We've got fanfic sign," they sighed, trudging off towards the theatre. [Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. The ladies shuffle towards their seats, clearly dreading the experience] AZMI: [false cheer] C'mon guys, I *know* we can do this! TAPSLAUGHT: WHATEVER YOU SAY... CALLIOPE: [tightly] I *will* get out of this thing alive, even if it kills me. MARY: Excuse me-- CALLIOPE: Shut up, Mary Sue. >The X-MEN and stuff are the >property of Marvel Comics. CALLIOPE: Is that what they're calling "crap writing" nowadays? >Don't >Sue me please. AZMI: No worries. Claire's the Mary Sue, honey. >Claire Ross is MY >character. This story is MINE. TAPSLAUGHT: *BOOM!* THE MINE HAS DETONATED, FLINGING BLOODY PIECES OF CLAIRE ROSS EVERYWHERE. >If >you steal my characters at least >let me know. MARY: Dear Timesprite, I'm writing a Subreality Cafe story about a Mary Sue Convention, so could I use your character? I'm awarding her with the Jean Grey Lifetime Achievement award! > Claire's >Confusion CALLIOPE: Also known as "The Sentient Mud". >Part 3 AZMI: Three, four, lock the door! >Father's Sins MARY: [Claire's mother, sobbing] I *said* I wanted a dog! >I was banging around the house. AZMI: *BANG!* Ow! *BANG!* Ow! *BANG!* Ow! *BANG!* Ow! *BANG!* Ow! MARY: She was banging around the house? Does she have enough condoms for that? CALLIOPE: *Someone's* begging for a time-out... MARY: [grumbles] >Every one had gone off to calm >down some riot started by the >FOH, TAPSLAUGHT: [Scott] A FEW OF ORORO'S HURRICANES SHOULD DO THE TRICK. MARY: [random X-Man] Actually, we were going bar- crawling. We just wanted to get away from Claire as much as possible. >and because I wasn't an >active member of the team, AZMI: ... I had to put Wolvie out and clean the bathrooms. >I got >put on guard duty. MARY: Aww, is the mighty Claire St. Sue feeling just a tad underappreciated? >I was in an >unbelievably bad mood. I had AZMI: ... no arse to kick, and I'm all out of bubblegum! MARY: ... wasted all my jello on Remy, and he didn't even pay me! TAPSLAUGHT: ... LOST AT DOOM TO ARTIE! CALLIOPE: ... PMS! >started off the morning AZMI: [singing] Wake up, it's a beautiful morning! CALLIOPE: The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the ashes of the Mary Sue bonfire works great as fertilizer! >by >destroying my alarm clock. AZMI: Claire *is* Garfield in disguise! >Then I >got into a fight with Scott. MARY: [Scott] Darling, I am not wearing that garter belt for tonight. AZMI: [Claire] But... but... I have the frozen cucumber all ready! CALLIOPE: Ladies... >Again. This time it was about >Gambit. AZMI: [Claire] He does too have a tattoo! MARY: [Scott] But one of Rogue on his butt? Claire, have you been eating those mushrooms again? >Cyclops had called him a TAPSLAUGHT: [Scott, breathy] A HANDSOME TASTY HUNK OF A MAN! CALLIOPE: Not you, too... >slacker, and since he wasn't >present to defend himself, I did. ALL: [fidget] CALLIOPE: Zeus, *please*, *please* tell me it's not a fangirl fantasy I'm smelling. >Was it just me, or hadn't anyone >else notice how depressed he was >acting. AZMI: [sarcastic] No, of course not. It's not like Ororo's his best friend, Rogue's practically grafted to his side, Bishop's watching him like a hawk, and Jean's the bloody frigging most powerful telepath on Earth, is it now? >Most nights he didn't get >back 'till 5am. CALLIOPE: Which begets the question of how, exactly, did she know that? MARY: [Uhura] Captain, the stalker is hailing us. >If he came home at >all. AZMI: [Remy] Gambit's sure you're all won'dring why he called dis meeting. I've been t'inking 'bout life lately an' seems dat it's lacking meaning... well, no more. Gambit's just found de answer: I be joining a Buddhist monastery in the Himalayas. >My thoughts were interrupted >by a noise downstairs. CALLIOPE: Going dowstairs to check, Claire was distracted by a pretty shiny dime she found on the stairs. This proved to be her undoing, as moments later an axe cleaved its way through her skull. The end. >"Remy?" > >No answer, but it must be him. MARY: [Claire] I can sense his AURA! >Who >else could have bypassed all of >the perimeter defenses? ALL: [laugh] AZMI: Well, I dunno, Claire... considering the number of times and the ease of which the perimeter defenses has been breached, I figure that it's just a Girl Scout selling cookies. >I run >over to a computer terminal. CALLIOPE: [Picard] Tea. Earl Grey. Hot. >"Computer, locate Gambit." >"Nonaplicable. Designate: Gambit >is not on grounds." MARY: [Claire] Dammit! And I just bought this pink teddy today! >"Computer, who else is in the >house?" TAPSLAUGHT: [computer] CLAIRE ROSS AND CONVENIENT PLOT DEVICES ARE ON THE GROUNDS. >"Designate: Claire Ross is only >registered personnel on grounds." TAPSLAUGHT: [Computer] MARY SUE DEFENCE SYSTEM ONLINE. OBJECTIVE: TERMINATE CLAIRE ROSS. OTHERS: [cheer and clap] >Now I'm gettin' worried. CALLIOPE: "Gettin'"? She must have been hanging around Rogue for far too long. >I head downstairs AZMI: ... to get some strawberry juice and conquer the Romulans. ALL: [shiver] >and here some shouting. CALLIOPE: Lending more credence to the theory that Claire is Marissa with a dye job, we present the use of "here" instead of "hear". >"where are you? i know you're >here! come out!" MARY: ... of the closet? Wow, I didn't know Claire swings that way. >I went down the main hall towards >the front hall. I can hear things >being knocked over. AZMI: [sarcastic] The suspense is killing me. >I inch >forward and peek around the >corner. CALLIOPE: Ah, the Gillian Anderson situation. A few months of peeking around corridors, body doubles, and above-waist shots. >What, or who, I see >startles me. MARY: It was the Anti-Mary Sue, primed and ready for some bazooka action. AZMI: Nah. It said "startles", not "scares me witless". >The person, a woman, >looks almost identical to me. AZMI: [Claire] Let's re-enact Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop" video! >And >she doesn't seem happy . CALLIOPE: I am your good counterpart in a mirror universe, and I have come to save this world from YOU. >"You >looking for someone?" MARY: [Claire 2] I need another woman for a threesome with Gambit and, well... I have this fetish about-- CALLIOPE: Mary Sue! >"you! you're going to pay for >taking my life away!" CALLIOPE: Cat got your capital letters? AZMI: Maybe it's an artistic thing. Y'know, like e.e. cummings. TAPSLAUGHT: I DOUBT IT. >What?!? AZMI: Our reaction to this fanfic, encapsulated in one word. MARY: I thought it was "KILL!!!" >Before I can respond she >hurls a coffee table at me. AZMI: Fear the wrath of a glossy hardcover and a rather nice table mat! >My TK >shield snaps up and the table >shatters. I felt that! MARY: She has Cecelia Reyes' power now? AZMI: Logically speaking, she couldn't have felt that through her TK shield. Flung off her feet by the force of the table, perhaps, but not feel the actual impact. At least, not physically. CALLIOPE: Logic dictates that she strangles herself by her her own TK shield chapters ago, but we didn't see that happen, did we now? >I use my >shield to hurl her across the >room, and slam her into the wall. CALLIOPE: Ah, now I get it. She's the X-Men version of Invisible Woman. TAPSLAUGHT: SuSaN rIcHaRdS wIlL nOt Be PlEaSeD... >She gets up and the window next to >me explodes. The glass bounces off >and falls to the floor. AZMI: INTENSE... CATFIGHT... ACTION! >"Hey, can >we talk this out?" MARY: [Claire] I'm too much of a wuss to use my souped-up powers! >"no! you took everything i had >away from me!" AZMI: [Claire 2, sobbing] My matchbox collection... >"You're nuts! AZMI: Which flavour? MARY: Azmi, give that joke a merciful death. >I have no idea what >you're talking about!" CALLIOPE: [Claire] My head is hollow! OTHERS: [snicker] >She starts >to reply, but before she can, a >blue light and a noise like >ripping fabric makes her stop in >her tracks. AZMI: Commander Ivanova, the jump gate just opened! >A man with white hair >materializes in the middle of the >room. CALLIOPE: I hope it's Apollo, with the rest of Stormwatch Black close behind. MARY: Yeah, they wouldn't put up with this nonsense for a second. A huge smoking crater, anyone? CALLIOPE: [Jenny Sparks] And you're getting only what you deserve. >Something about him sends a >shiver down my spine. AZMI: Jeez, turn down the air-conditioning! >I >recognize him from somewhere..... MARY: [Claire] Were you the centerfold for the March issue of Playgirl? >"Clare!" I start to say something. CALLIOPE: [white-haired man] Not you, you idiot. >"Not you, her." TAPSLAUGHT: [to Calliope] CLOSE ENOUGH. CALLIOPE: No... see, the meaning changes without the "idiot". TAPSLAUGHT: HOPEFULLY THAT WOULD ALSO HAPPEN WITH THE STORY. >He says pointing >to the other girl. AZMI: [Poirot] It was you, was it not? >"What on earth >do you think you are doing? We >need her alive!" CALLIOPE: [white-haired man] We need fresh meat -- kill her close to cooking time. >"she took my life away! she >deserves to die!" MARY: I agree, but could you please get in line? Scott has dibs on her already. >"You never had a life! You just >borrowed hers!" AZMI: [white-haired man] Now give it back! Bad girl! Bad! >He yells. CALLIOPE: Suddenly, his voice erupted into a sonic scream, shattering the eardrums of everyone in the room. They die painfully. The end. >The >other woman, Clare, I guess, >shrinks back visibly from him. TAPSLAUGHT: [Clare] YOU'VE GOT REALLY BAD BREATH, MISTER. >She >reminds me of a beaten dog, of >myself at a point in time I don't >want to remember. AZMI: [Claire} Although I vaguely remember the tentacles... CALLIOPE: *Ick*. >"Claire, yes I'm >talking to you now, you've been a >very bad girl. MARY: [Claire] Then punish me, master! Use the riding crop! Punish me! CALLIOPE: Mary Sue... MARY: [sulky] No risque lines. I know. CALLIOPE: Actually, I was going to point out that you just recycled Azmifarayaro's joke. MARY: [facefaults] >He knows you're >still alive, so he sent me to >collect you." CALLIOPE: ... so he can have the pleasure of killing you himself. OTHERS: ... MARY: Watch a lot of John Woo movies, Calliope? CALLIOPE: [offended] Hey, the violence in Woo's films is *artistic* violence. >The twinkle in >Gryphon's eyes terrify me. AZMI: [Claire] They remind me of Barney's eyes just before he sings! >A wave >of suppressed memories come >flooding to the surface. AZMI: [Claire] Hmm... popcorn... theatre... "The Postman"? AIEEEE!!! >"NO!" I scream and knock him to >the floor. MARY: [Gryphon] So are you getting off me, or were you just getting comfortable? >Gryphon struggles away >from my blows. CALLIOPE: It's like dodging mayflies... harmless, but annoying. >"I'm not going >back! AZMI: [Claire, sobbing] They don't have chocolate pudding! >I Won't be apart of his >experiments any longer!" MARY: [Claire] The apple pie was fine, but I draw the line at his doughnuts! >"Have it your way. You're only >delaying the inevitable. AZMI: [mad scientist] Rob Liefield *will* take over all the X-books! Mwahahaha!!! OTHERS: EVIL! >I'll be >back. TAPSLAUGHT: AT THIS POINT, I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT SEEING ARNOLD BEAT THE STUFFING OUT OF GRYPHON FOR STEALING HIS LINE DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD... >And I'll keep coming until >you slip up. MARY: Does he have enough fluids in his body to do that? CALLIOPE: MARY SUE! >Then you'll come back >where you belong." >He and Clare >disappeared. CALLIOPE: ... into the void where none return, dragging Claire along with them. They were never heard of again. TAPSLAUGHT: I *WISH*. >He wasn't ready for >me this time, but he's right. I >can't keep him away for long. MARY: Somehow, I'm reminded of that scene in "The Birds" where they covered all the windows with planks... >It's >time to tell the truth. TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] THE TRUTH IS, I DESERVE TO DIE. >---------------------------------- >-------------------------- AZMI: [singing] Bricks are falling on Claire's head... >"What the hell happened here!?!" I >knew Scott would be mad, but he >looks like he's going to have a >coronary. CALLIOPE: [Scott] You have a CLONE?! Now we'll have that Inferno mess all over again! >"There was an intruder." I say as >calmly as possible. "Two, >actually." > >"What do you mean? If there were >intruders, all of the defenses >would have gone off!" > >"Your defenses aren't as good as >you think. Check the records for >massive energy signatures. You'll >see what I mean." > >"I don't believe you! No one can >get past the security system!" > >"Acutely, Gambit does all the >time." I pointed out " > >Don't bring him into this! What >really happened here? Did you >loose your temper again? " > >"Me? You're the one who's flipping >out! I don't have to listen to >this! I'm out here!" ALL: [stunned silence] MARY: This is *so* out of character for Scott, I don't think I can riff this conversation without having him kill Claire a hundred times over. CALLIOPE: What does she mean, Gambit gets past the security system all the time? He's one of the bloody X-Men, for Zeus' sakes, of course the security system wouldn't identify him as an intruder! TAPSLAUGHT: YOU WOULD THINK THAT AS A LEADER OF THE X- MEN, SUMMERS WOULD BE MORE CONCERNED AS TO CLAIRE'S WELFARE RATHER THAN ASSIGNING THE BLAME. AZMI: [shakes head] This is wrong... >I storm AZMI: You Wolverine! MARY: Ororo's not going to be pleased... >out >of the house and slam the front >door. ALL: [jump in their seats] CALLIOPE: Turn down the sound! >Cyclops comes running out >after me. MARY: ... with a wickedly sharp rapier. AZMI: [Scott] My name is Scott Summers. You killed my personality. Prepare to die. >"Come back! You can't just take >off! Do you hear me?!" CALLIOPE: [Scott] Not without a healthy, nutritious breakfast! >I spot Gambit coming up the drive >on his Harley. I flag him down. MARY: A Close Encounter With the Lame Kind. CALLIOPE: Claire or Gambit? MARY: Take your pick. >"What is it, chere?" CALLIOPE: [Gambit] Y'r Deus Ex Machina ran out of oil? [coughs] >"I need to get out of here." I say >climbing on behind him. MARY: I don't think I've ever seen that position in the Kama Sutra... TAPSLAUGHT: [warningly] MARY SUE. MARY: That's Calliope's line, Armour Woman. TAPSLAUGHT: HER THROAT IS SOMEWHAT SORE IMPERSONATING GAMBIT'S ACCENT, SO I'M HELPING OUT. >"Let's go!" AZMI: [singing] Hey ho, let's go! >"Where to?" CALLIOPE: Over a cliff? >"I don't care. Away from him." I >point in the direction of Scott, >who is still yelling and waving >his hands. AZMI: There's someone in the back! There's someone in the back! MARY: *You* watched "Urban Legends"? AZMI: [shrugs] I was bored. >"What y' do to make him so mad at >y'?" CALLIOPE: [Claire, valley girl] I'm me. Duh. >"You don't want to know." > >"Dat bad, huh?" MARY: [Claire] Let's just say that mutants don't react well to Viagra... CALLIOPE: [exasperated] Will you just *stop* it? >"Let's just say that the front >room looks like a bomb has been >detonated in there. AZMI: [Claire] I was testing out my latest recipe! TAPSLAUGHT: ... FOR DISASTER. >It wasn't my >fault though, I was attacked." He >laughs. CALLIOPE: ... hysterically, finally breaking down and weeping. [Remy] "Y' mean dey din' succeed?!" >"I'm so glad you find my >problems humorous." AZMI: [Claire] I will BURN you with a look! MARY: Shh! Who knows what power she's hiding? >We take a ride >for a while. CALLIOPE: [Claire] Remy? Are we supposed to be riding into the sea? >I relax. I guess it's >just from being around Scott to >much, MARY: Oh, of *course* we wouldn't want that. Why, we might actually learn to be an *interesting* character! AZMI: Now, Mary... MARY: I didn't hear *you* protesting at the "cruelty" earlier. AZMI: Ehh... the fanfic was getting to me. MARY: [mumbling] Cop-out. >but Remy seems to be one of >the most laid back guys I've ever >met. TAPSLAUGHT: THAT IS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CHARACTER-BASHING, *AND* USUALLY SCORES BEFORE THE END OF THE STORY. CALLIOPE: TAPSLAUGHT... are you all right? TAPSLAUGHT: NO. >I don't feel like I have to >hid things from him. AZMI: Yep, that truth serum is really potent. >We pull over >and sit in the grass. MARY: Look out for-- aw, damn! They sat on the dog poo! >"Care t' talk 'bout what's been >eaten' at y'?" AZMI: [Remy, singing] Pour y'r misery down on me, pour y'r misery down on me... >"Not really. It's just that Scott >doesn't trust me one bit, MARY: ... AZMI: [worried look at Mary Sue] No, Claire, you got it wrong. *Bishop's* the Mulder fan, remember? >and I >feel like everything I've been >working at for these last few >months is starting to cave in. MARY: [hopeful] Her TK shield is going to collapse and crush her to death? OTHERS: [big sweatdrops] >A >part of me I thought I had buried >is comin' to the surface. CALLIOPE: In the shallow grave sort of sense. >Stuff in >my past I thought I had escaped is >coming back to haunt me." AZMI: [Claire, hysterical] I didn't mean to kill the hook-handed man! I swear I didn't! >"Gambit knows what y' mean." MARY: [Remy] Dem sailors, dey never know how t' keep deir mouth shut. >"You? You seem like the last >person who would try to hid from >something they did." CALLIOPE: That's "hide". TAPSLAUGHT: SOMETHING CLAIRE SHOULD BE DOING, IF MARY SUE'S EXPRESSION IS ANY JUDGE. MARY: [undertone] Die... >He laughs again. "Appearances can >be deceiving, chere." AZMI: Standard cliche for any slasher film. >"I guess everyone has their >secrets and their shame, huh?" MARY: For example, you would never guess that Kitty is one of the pioneers of cyber-s-- CALLIOPE: That's enough, Mary Sue. >"Oui." > >"Well, maybe we should head back. CALLIOPE: [Remy] But chere... de incinerator's a nice place. >Cyke has had enough time to cool >down, I hope." MARY: He also has had enough time to find a chainsaw, I hope. >---------------------------------- >-------------------------- AZMI: Lookit at all the flying pancakes... CALLIOPE: You've been watching "Space: Above and Beyond", Azmifarayaro? >Meanwhile MARY: ... the explosives were set, and ready to be detonated upon the arrival of a certain annoying person. >"Jean, I did some checking up on >our house guest." AZMI: Something Harrison Ford should've done. >"Scott, why on earth would you do >that?" MARY: I hate to say this, but... *Duh*, Jean. TAPSLAUGHT: HAS SHE BEEN TAKING BIMBO PILLS? >"I told you I was >suspicious, Jean. She has been >lying to us." AZMI: [Scott] Barbie's sister is named Skipper, not Skippy! >"About what?" concern sounding in >her voice. CALLIOPE: We have another character named Concern who talks in Jean's voice? TAPSLAUGHT: YOU DELIBERATELY MISUNDERSTOOD THAT, DIDN'T YOU? CALLIOPE: Damn straight. >A dark look crossed Scott's face. MARY: [dark look] Don't mind me... just passing through. >"Her mother. She didn't leave >Claire, she died. Claire killed >her." ALL: GASP! MARY: Please note the important plot point, brought to you by Scott "Bastard" Summers. >"I can't believe that Scott. I >won't believe it. There must be a >mistake." CALLIOPE: Can you just *feel* the passion in her defence? AZMI: She must be just reading the script... I know *I* would. >"Do you remember the fight she >told us about? Well, her mom was >standing near a window when it >exploded. Her mom bleed to death >before help could arrive." > >"Claire isn't a murderer, Scott. >Just the victim of an unfortunate >accident." MARY: Hello? Isn't Scott intelligent enough to realize that? Has *he* been taking bimbo pills? CALLIOPE: I think that he would use the more formal "mother" too, rather than "mom". AZMI: Guys? If we're going to pick apart the characterization, we'll be here until Remy marries Rogue in the comics. Can it. >"I'd say her mother was the >victim." He mumbled. CALLIOPE: She escaped early from this fic. What has *she* to complain about? >"I heard that. I really think >you're being unfair. You never >seem willing to give anyone the >benefit of a doubt." MARY: [makes choking/growling sounds] AZMI: [sighs] Does "Remy" and "Jubilee" ring a bell? >"I'm just looking out for >everyone's well being." CALLIOPE: At least he's allowed to defend himself... MARY: [sarcastic] Oh yeah, *that'll* hold up. >"I know, Dear. AZMI: Jean is married to God? CALLIOPE: Hush. >You just try to >hard sometimes. I'll go talk to >Claire. AZMI: [Scott] Jean, don't! You'll get assimilated! >Maybe it will make more >sense once we hear her side of the >story." MARY: Lady, we're a long way past "sense". >"Maybe." He sounded doubtful. TAPSLAUGHT: I KNOW THE FEELING. >Knock knock AZMI: Who's there? CALLIOPE: Kosh. AZMI: Kosh who? CALLIOPE: Gesundheit! [laughs] MARY: If you two are finished with the "Babylon 5" skit, can we move on? >"Claire? Can we talk?" CALLIOPE: [Logan] Less yappin', more scrappin'. >"I guess. What do you want?" AZMI: [singing] I want to live, I want to run through the jungle, the wind in my hair and the sand at my feet... >"Well...Scott seems to think that >you haven't been completely honest >with us." TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] OKAY... I ADMIT IT, I WAS THE ONE WHO TILTED THE EARTH'S AXIS. AZMI: [shudder] Thank goodness Marvel didn't go with that plot for the Magneto War. >I chuckled. "Yeah, well, does it >count as lying if you didn't >remember the truth before today?" CALLIOPE: An interesting logic problem. MARY: Yeah. Sort of like, "If a tree fell on Claire in the woods, would anyone care?" >"No, I guess it doesn't. What did >you remember?" MARY: [Jean] Just not the parts with you, Remy, and a tub of kiwifruit jello, please. >" My mom." Tears welled up in my >eyes "I killed her. I didn't mean >too..." AZMI: ... the fairies made me do it! >"It's okay." CALLIOPE: Jean, she committed manslaughter. Take an IQ pill. >"And my dad." Jean was startled to >see the pain in Claire's eyes turn >to rage. AZMI: [Claire] He didn't let me go to the prom, damn him to hell! >"I remember what he did >to me. He used me. MARY: ... as bait for the chicks! >Jean, he sold >me to geneticists as a guinea pig! CALLIOPE: ... providing hours of amusement as I run on the wheel in my cage. >No human being deserves to be >treated the way I was!" AZMI: [grudging] True enough. MARY: Even for Claire? AZMI: [clearly torn] Well... yes, even for Claire. >"It's all right, Claire." Jean >tried to hide the astonishment in >her voice. AZMI: [Jean] *You're* the third Summers brother? >"All right! How can that be all >right?" MARY: [Claire] I'm a woman, dammit! I *can't* be the third Summers brother. >"I'm not saying what he did was >right. It's horrifying. " AZMI: [Jean] You're my long-lost clone sister! >"Jean, can you do me a favor?" CALLIOPE: [Claire] Shoot me. Please. >"What?" TAPSLAUGHT: [Jean] SCOTT HAS DIBS ON YOUR DEATH FIRST. >"Look into my mind. Help me to see >everything that has happened to >me." AZMI: [Jean] Everything? MARY: [Claire] Well... if you see black silk boxers, bail out. >"Normally I wouldn't but if you're >sure..." > >"Yes. I want to remember." AZMI: [Claire] Except my first date. And most of my high school years. >#Okay. Just relax.# CALLIOPE: [Jean] This psionic knife won't hurt a *bit*. [laughs darkly] >I found myself standing on a gray >windswept plane. #Is this my >mind?# CALLIOPE: [Jean] Yes, down to the curiously two- dimensional feel. >#It is a representation of it, >yes. Do you see that broken wall >over there?# TAPSLAUGHT: [Jean, fussy] WOULD IT TROUBLE YOU TO AT LEAST SWEEP AWAY THE RUBBLE? YOUNGSTERS NOWADAYS... >#Yes.# > >#That is the 'wall' that broke >down and released your memories# CALLIOPE: Odd... I thought it represented our sanity while reading this. >#And that one?# I pointed to a >huge monolith standing near by. MARY: Freudian imagery... overwhelming... AZMI & MARY: [giggle madly] >#I would say that some >particularly deserting memories >lie behind that wall.# AZMI: [to Calliope] What does "deserting" mean in this context? CALLIOPE: I don't think I've ever seen anyone use "deserting" like that. TAPSLAUGHT: PERHAPS HERE IT MEANS "TURNING SOMETHING INTO A DESERT". MARY: Like this story's effect on our brains. TAPSLAUGHT: EXACTLY. >#Do you think that it will come >down by itself?# MARY: [huge grin] CALLIOPE: Oh no, you don't! MARY: You're such a spoilsport. >#I believe it will. Once you are >emotionally ready to deal with >them.# AZMI: Anyone wanna bet that she remembers *before* she's emotionally ready? >#Thank you, Jean. # > >"You're welcome." MARY: IfyaknowhatImean! >I opened my eyes. CALLIOPE: ... to see rows of sharp, shining teeth dripping with blood. >"I'll leave you alone for a while, >to think this all over." MARY: [Jean] And remember, while this particular position may have its benefits, I urge that you try the Two Dogs with Chopstick position. CALLIOPE: MARY SUE! >Knock knock AZMI: I suddenly have the urge to sing "Knocking on Heaven's Door". MARY: Let's hope that Claire will be knocking on the door of the *other* place. >"Hello, Remy." > >"Hi." CALLIOPE: [flatly] I am overwhelmed by the hidden undercurrent of passion in the three words. >"So..what do you want?" AZMI: [singing] Oooh don't you wanna break her? Oooh don't you wanna take her home? >"I saw Jeanie leavein' an' I >wanted to make sure y' were okay." MARY: [Remy] Y'd never guess it, but Jeannie's quite de dominatrix type... CALLIOPE: [sighs] >"Yeah, I remembered some things >about my past. Some really >horrible stuff. But I'm okay now. >Mostly." AZMI: [Claire] I'm trying to sound strong, but I'm really traumatized. Hold me. >"Dat's good chere." He turned to >go. CALLIOPE: ... hitting himself on the door and dying instantly. >"Remy?" > >"Chere?" TAPSLAUGHT: [Claire] YOUR FLY'S OPEN. >"About before, thanks for >listening. I really needed to blow >off some steam." AZMI: [singing] I'm a little teapot, short and stout... this is my handle, this is my spout... [Suddenly, without warning, the screen fizzles and goes black] MARY: What the hell?! TAPSLAUGHT: THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR US. CALLIOPE: [leaping to her feet] The door just opened! Let's go! [They run for it.] The air outside the theatre was tainted with smoke and the smell of ozone, made worse by a drastic decrease in temperature. Rosavenger lounged like a panther in front of the theatre doors, looking very displeased. "The bloody computer that controlled the theatre fizzled out," she growled to them without preamble. "Stupid cheap Shi'ar black market goods... anyway, you have two hours before the next part starts." She scowled, adding amidst the cheers, "Enjoy your break, boobies, 'cause you won't enjoy the fanfic." As the last of the overjoyed group danced and sang their way to the bar, Rosavenger dropped her grim facade. Smiling slightly, she opened her fist to reveal a tiny square of silicone and metal she had removed from the computer -- a small, but vital component. "You're welcome, guys," she said softly, dropping the chip to the floor and grinding it with her boot heel. SATELLITE #1013'S OBSERVATION GALLERY "Now you're in the... uh... Tom Jones Ballerina Zone! You have to pirouette while singing 'It's Not Unusual'"! "TAPSLAUGHT DOES *NOT* SING TOM JONES' SONGS." "TAP..." "*SIGH* VERY WELL. *AHEM* IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE..." "Eh? Where did all the cute animals come from?" "You're mine, blondie!" *BONK* "Ow! Watch it!" "Yeah? You just got hit by the ball, which means that you have to roll over and bark like a dog!" "We're standing in the Counter Zone, which means *you* have to do it." "Damn you--" "Ahem!" Azmi looked meaningfully at her watch. "Sorry to cut the fun, guys, but the fanfic starts in 20 minutes." She scooped up the bright green ball, bouncing it like a basketball. "Isn't Calvinball fun?" Mary glared at Calliope. "It would've been better if *someone* understood the concept of fun." "I play to win, not for fun," the Queen of Muses retorted, unruffled. She took off the bandanna mask, looking down ruefully at her sweaty 'Godzilla' t- shirt. "I suppose it's a good thing I have time for a quick shower." The four were wearing t-shirts and jeans cutoffs, scrounged from a box somewhere in the depths of the satellite. They were, apparently, movie merchandise -- bad movies, as the quartet discovered to their dismay. TAPSLAUGHT, trying to get her hair into order, said, "IS IT NOT ODD HOW WE JUST 'HAPPENED' TO FIND THE CLOTHES? WHY ARE THEY HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?" "I just hope it's not the Seven of Nine clause," Azmi answered, shrugging. "Y'know, throw in a provocatively-dressed woman to draw the 18-30 male crowd?" Mary shuddered. "I sincerely hope not. Now, about that shower..." [GRATUITOUS SHOWER SCENES CUT DUE TO FICTIVES' PROTESTS. NEWS AT ELEVEN.] Sixteen minutes later a rather damp TAPSLAUGHT joined her fellow prisoners, standing pensively near the theatre doors. Calliope looked poised; blonde hair impeccably styled and her blue suit without a crease. Azmifarayaro and Mary Sue clearly dreaded the upcoming fanfic, though the former did a better job of concealing it. The impassive mask, however, cracked slightly as sirens and alarms started to blare. "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" [Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. The ladies take their seats, grumbling.] >Claire's Confusion, Part Five AZMI & MARY: Say what?! CALLIOPE: Now *I* am confused. Where's part four? TAPSLAUGHT: THINK CAREFULLY ON WHAT YOU ARE SAYING... CALLIOPE: Oh. Right. Carry on, then. > Tears of Sorrow, Tears >of Rage MARY: And the sequel, "Tears of Pain, Screams of Rage". AZMI: Written by the crew of Satellite #1013. >By: Timesprite > >"Sinister!" TAPSLAUGHT: A SUCCINCT BUT ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE STORY. >"Well, well. Mr. Summers. I must >say this is an unexpected visit. CALLIOPE: [Sinister, British] Do come in. I'll just pop some scones in the oven, and Sabretooth will make the tea. >Come to say hello?" AZMI: [Scott] I'm just here to be out of character and kick your arse. MARY: [Sinister] Then I'll just play the "Manic Laughter" track while you trash my place, shall I? >"Shut up! Gambit, I'll take care >of this scum. AZMI: [Scott] Babysitting may not be glamorous, but it pays for the repairs to the X-Mansion. >You and Rogue go >find Claire." CALLIOPE: [Scott] Make sure she's dead. >"Y' heard t' man, Chere. Let's get >goin'" MARY: [Rogue, ditzy] What, now? Tee-hee! CALLIOPE: Mary Sue... >"Jean, can ya point us in the raht >direction?" AZMI: [Jean] One moment... I'm still dowloading the solution from the Internet. Do we have the magic sword and the bottle of invisible ink? >"She's a couple of levels below >us. I'm sorry, I can't get a >better location." CALLIOPE: She's probably the world's most powerful telepath, right? TAPSLAUGHT: CORRECT. CALLIOPE: She has the ability to telepathically link to someone and thus "see" through that person's eyes, right? Or at any rate, if the person is unconscious, sift through his or her memories, right? TAPSLAUGHT: ALL TRUE. CALLIOPE: In doing so, she could better extrapolate that person's location, right? TAPSLAUGHT: I CANNOT FAULT YOUR LOGIC. CALLIOPE: Good. Just checking. >"That's okay. Me an' Remy'll find >her." The departed. AZMI: "The departed"? Does that mean Remy and Rogue are dead? CALLIOPE: They must be zombies, then. Or... maybe the phrase refers to Claire. MARY: Wishful thinking, Muse. >Jean turned back to where the rest >of the X-Men were confronting >Sinister. AZMI: [Scott] Yo mama's so fat, when she went diving she caused a tidal wave! MARY: [Sinister] Yo mama's so fat, when she went to Japan they thought she's gonna eat Tokyo! >"What did you want with her?" CALLIOPE: [Sinister] Her recipe for chicken-fried steak, you twit. >Cyclops shouted, letting lose >another optic blast. AZMI: [random X-Man] Cyke, you *know* we'll never find it again! Jeez, some people... >"Was she just >another of your guinea pigs? CALLIOPE: [Sinister] Not at all. My guinea pigs are much less annoying. >To >experiment on as you chose?" MARY: [Scott] You fie-- wait... can we work out a deal? >"She was unfinished. I merle AZMI: Merle? Wasn't she a sorceress in "Dragon Quest"? MARY: A crossover? And I thought this thing couldn't get worse... >sought to reclaim her. Why should >you care? She is nothing to you." CALLIOPE: [Scott] You're right. X-Men, let's leave! >"That's where you're wrong. She's >a part of this team ,and the X-Men >look out for their own." AZMI: [Scott] It's the Mary Sue contract. Sorry. >Several floors below the raging >battle MARY: [incredulous] They call an argument a "raging battle"? AZMI: [shaking head] Sad, isn't it? >"She's not in this one." > >"She not in here either." MARY: [Gambit] She's not in dis one-- Mon dieu! Lock de door! Lock de door! AZMI: [Rogue, dramatic] What did ya see, Remy? What did ya SEE?! MARY: [Gambit, gasping] Strong Guy in a bikini! [beat] AZMI: [Rogue] Move aside, sugah! I wanna see! CALLIOPE: Azmifarayaro... MARY: [laughs] >Gambit >and Rogue made their way down the >corridor, ripping open the >doors of the holding cells as the >went, trashing all the equipment >they could. CALLIOPE: [Sinister] Well! Let's see if I'll ever invite *you* for tea again! TAPSLAUGHT: INGRATES. AZMI: I never knew Gambit was strong enough to rip open *locked doors*. MARY: Must be a retcon thing. >That way, Sinister >would be forced to abandon yet >another base. But it wouldn't stop >him. It never did. CALLIOPE: So why are you wasting your energy doing it? AZMI: Amazing Self-Replicating Sinister Lab[tm], now for only $99.99 and your immortal soul! >"Wait, Remy! Ah found her. MARY: Such enthusiasm. AZMI: She must be just reading the cue cards. >Could >ya give me some light?" MARY: [Gambit, leering] Y' know Gambit c'n give y' more then dat, chere... CALLIOPE: Mary Sue... MARY: What? I was vague! >"Oui." He held up a charged card, >sending a weak glow into the dark >room. CALLIOPE: With a sudden burst of intelligence, Remy threw the charged card into the cell, incinerating their tormentor. The end. >"Oh mah gawd!" Came Rogue's >startled cry. AZMI: [Rogue] Claire *is* th' third Summers brother! TAPSLAUGHT: OLD JOKE. AZMI: [shrugs] Cheap, but satisfying. >Gambit's eyes went wide. CALLIOPE: [Rogue] Remy, Ah *love* your manga eyes. >"What he done to her? AZMI: [Remy] An' c'n we *please* do it again? With de hot irons dis time? MARY: Now *who's* being cruel, hmm? AZMI: [embarassed silence] >Chere, get dose >shackles off her." MARY: [Remy] An' get 'em on y', chere... CALLIOPE: [sighs] >"Sure thing" Rogue grabbed the >chains and ripped them out of the >wall. CALLIOPE: Wait a minute here... isn't she supposed to get the shackles off *Claire*, not the wall? Shouldn't Remy be able to pick the locks anyway? TAPSLAUGHT: SMILE AND-- CALLIOPE: [groans] Nod. I know. >Gambit scooped Claire up. AZMI: [Gambit] Y' wan't cherry an' sprinkles with dat, Rogue chere? >"She still breathin'. barely." MARY: [Rogue] She's alive? Damn. >She >was so light, like holding a >skeleton. CALLIOPE: THE SHACKLES ARE STILL ON HER! SHE'S *NOT* SUPPOSED TO BE LIGHT! >The hurried to rendeves >with the rest of the team. TAPSLAUGHT: "THE HURRIED TO RENDEVES"? CALLIOPE: BST... overloading... AZMI: BST? CALLIOPE: Bad Spelling Tolerance. >From a dark corner, Gryphon >watched the two X-Men take Claire >from the cell. AZMI: [Gryphon] I'm FREE!!! FREE AT LAST!!! >She was safe now. ALL: [snicker] MARY: X-Mansion, the Fort Knox of the Marvel universe. Yeah, right. >Sinister couldn't hurt her >anymore. AZMI: [Sinister] My plans would've worked if it wasn't for you damn kids! >Even if she died now she >would be better off. MARY: *We* would be better off. AZMI: [singing] Heal the world... make it a better place... >He just >prayed that she would make it. TAPSLAUGHT: [God] SON, IN THE INTEREST OF OF THE GREATER GOOD... NO. >He >loved her, and he couldn't stand >the thought of not being able to >explain to her what had happened, >to tell her he was sorry. AZMI: CHEESY ANGST POWER... MAKE-UP! >That he >had never meant to betray her. AZMI: [Gryphon] And I swear, the Indestructible TK Shield[tm] was *her* idea! >When the X-Men had departed, he >teleported away. CALLIOPE: ... straight into a lava-filled crater, where he died a fiery but happy death. The end. >He would go to >Xavier's eventually, try to >explain, be there for Claire. AZMI: [Gryphon] She's the only one who knows where the remote control is. >But >for now he just sat and watched >the sun set over the lake. CALLIOPE: Any moment now, Peablossom and Mustardseed will come out to play. TAPSLAUGHT: IN THIS STORY? MORE LIKELY THE CREATURES FROM THE DUNGEON DIMENSION. >The >same lake that he and Claire had >visited often. MARY: [Gryphon] And man, did it see some hot jalapeno action! IfyaknowwhatI mean... [wink] >Just sitting, >holding each other, pretending the >world had not gone mad around >them. AZMI: [singing] When superstars and cannonballs are running through your head... And television freak show cops and robbers everywhere... >Maybe someday they could sit >here together again. MARY: [Gryphon] Hopefully not, if I'm lucky. Aw, shucks, what am I *thinking*? Of course she'll survive! CALLIOPE: Feeling a little bitter, Mary Sue? MARY: [mutter, grumble] >For now he >sat in the growing dark, tears >streaming down his face. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Why did *sniff* Bambi's mother have to die? [sobs] >"You! Don't you think you've >caused Claire enough pain? MARY: [speaker] It's our turn! >How dare you come here?!" TAPSLAUGHT: [Janeway] YOU'RE OUT OF LINE, COMMANDER. >The man >before her looked up with >sorrowful eyes. AZMI: [Gryphon, sobbing] I didn't want to, but they MADE me! >"I know." CALLIOPE: Han Solo? You're welcome to come in and kill him now... >He whispered, looking >down at Claire again. AZMI: [Gryphon] May the saints preserve us from her, for I am weak... >"I would >take it all back if I could, I >wasn't in control. MARY: [Gryphon] And quite frankly, I don't give a damn either. >Sinister was >using me, playing with my mind. AZMI: [Gryphon, sobbing] He made me listen to B*witched over and over again... >But that's no excuse. I should TAPSLAUGHT: ... HAVE TAKEN THAT BUS TO ASTRO CITY WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE. >have fought harder, AZMI: [singing] You think that I'm strong, you're wrong... MARY: Beg pardon? AZMI: Robbie Williams. >I don't know. CALLIOPE: [tartly] Neither do we, and we don't care. >I should have done something!" AZMI: We know! Now can you please stop that cliched angsting? MARY: You should've blown up everyone when you had the chance, kid. >Tears were spilling out of his >sapphire blue eyes. TAPSLAUGHT: [peering at screen] ODD, I THOUGHT THEY WERE PIECES OF THE HOPE DIAMOND. >"I loved her, >I still do. MARY: Someone should tell this guy that there are lots of fish in the sea. AZMI: [fighting a grin] Maybe he doesn't like seafood. MARY: [groans] >I don't think she >could ever forgive me, though. AZMI: [Gryphon] That trick with the exploding cigar *really* ticked her off. >She's all I ever had. CALLIOPE: ... except for the Porsche, the condo in Miami, the private jet, and the Swiss account. >The only >bright spot in my life, AZMI: In the "near-death experience" kind of sense. >weather >she knew it or not. MARY: Hey, Ororo's the one who controls the weather around here! >Someplace, >deep down, under all of Sinister's >mind tricks, I loved her. MARY: Must've dug pretty deep. AZMI: That was cruel, but funny... >And now >I'm myself again in time to do >nothing more than watch her die. TAPSLAUGHT: I WISH I WAS THERE. CALLIOPE: So do I. I'll even *pay* for the privilege. >To watch myself die with her." MARY: [exasperated] Don't be such a bloody wuss! Get a life outside the spandex, dammit! >Jean didn't know what to say. CALLIOPE: [Jean] Hrm? Huh? Oh. Sorry for dozing off. >This >was not the same man who had >abducted Claire, who had worked >with one of their greatest >enemies. AZMI: That was his evil twin from an alternate reality, sporting a different hairstyle. >He was so changed. MARY: The anti-depressants worked wonders. >His >mind was open to her, all of his >emotions laid raw. CALLIOPE: [Jean] Anybody want emotions sashimi? >"God, how could >he do that to another human >being?" She whispered. " TAPSLAUGHT: [sighing] YOU TELL ME, YOU WHO *SHOULD* HAVE EXPERIENCED MUCH. CALLIOPE: Doesn't she read the news? >He isn't human." AZMI: Nanu nanu? >Tears of rage now >filled those icy pools. CALLIOPE: In another part of the mansion, Bobby Drake sneezed as he watched Buffy stake yet another vampire... >"A human >being doesn't take advantage of >people. MARY: Is this guy from Naiveville or what? >He dosn't take people off >the streets and use them as guinea >pigs. TAPSLAUGHT: I THOUGHT SINISTER IS SOMEWHAT MORE SELECTIVE THAN THAT. CALLIOPE: Exactly. If he just took people off the street, wouldn't their families raise a stink about it and spark a massive manhunt? Not to mention that little detail about the suitability of their genetic material... >A human being doesn't do >this sort of thing!" He motioned >to Claire's sleeping form. MARY: Yeah, a human being would put everyone out of their misery long before this. >"Gryphon...." MARY: ... you're pathetic. >She could feel his >rage, mixed with incredible sorrow >and loss. AZMI: Gryphon's Mixed Emotions Breakfast Cereal, guaranteed 100% angst. >He really dose love her. CALLIOPE: "Dose love her"? TAPSLAUGHT: MUST BE A LOVE POTION CREATED BY JOHN CONSTANTINE. >And we can't do a thing more to >help her. AZMI: ... except to wish her a slow, painful death. >"Scott, you'll never believe >this." CALLIOPE: [Jean] We get to have our personalities back! >"What?" MARY: [Scott, hopeful] She's gone? >"Gryphon's down in the Med-lab." ALL: YAWN! >"And you left him there? He'll >take her back to Sinister!" CALLIOPE: [dryly] Your confidence in your wife is overwhelming. >"He's not the person he used to >be. AZMI: [Jean] He now thinks that he's Albert Einstein's shoe, but it's an improvement. >He has finally broken through >years of Sinister's programming. AZMI: [Scott] So could Kitt-- oh, you mean *mental* programming. CALLIOPE: *That* was easy. No therapy, no counselling? >He's the one that made sure we'd >be able to get Claire out of >there. MARY: [Scott] Affirmative. I'll get Ororo, you get Logan, and we'll kick his arse to kingdom come. >I saw it all in his mind. AZMI: [Jean] I feel nauseated... >He knew I could read his thoughts. CALLIOPE: Well, Jean, he must know that you're a telepath. Hello? >He deliberately let me see what >had happened. MARY: [Jean] Even the parts with the fur-lined handcuffs and chocolate pudding. Say... are you up for a threesome, hon? CALLIOPE: Mary Sue! >He is sorry for what >he's done, and his heart is >breaking." AZMI: Here, give Gryphon some glue. >"What are you saying?" CALLIOPE: My, aren't we the idiot today? >"He loves her, Scott. He's down >there right now, holding her hand >and preying to God that she >survives." AZMI: He's hunting God? That's a tall order. CALLIOPE: Not if the god happens to be Zeus, who can be baited with anything that looks vaguely pretty and breathing. >"I don't see how she could ever forgive him." MARY: Flowers and a nice dinner usually help. AZMI: Grovelling wouldn't hurt either. >"He knows that. He told me. AZMI: Why is. Jean speaking. Like Shatner? >All he >wants to do is say sorry to her. CALLIOPE: [Scott] So tell him to say sorry and leave, already! >To apologize for everything he's >done. TAPSLAUGHT: ESPECIALLY FOR LETTING CLAIRE LIVE. >Go and look for yourself. >You don't have to read his mind to >see the pain he's in." AZMI: [Jean] He has your "Angsting now, do not disturb" placard. >Cyclops gently pushed the door >open a crack. AZMI: [Scott] I can seeeeeeee youuuuuuu... >He peered in side. CALLIOPE: [Scott] I see... wood fibres! >Gryphon was sitting next to the >bed holding her hand. CALLIOPE: Although close examination would also reveal a syringe filled with cyanide. >He was >talking quietly, and Scott could >just bearly make out what he was >saying. MARY: [Gryphon] Die, please die. >"Claire, do you remember the lake? MARY: [Gryphon] Where you lost your vir-- CALLIOPE: Go no further, mortal. >The one that we used to sit by and >talk? I had forgotten about >it, just like I had forgotten >about us. AZMI: [singing] Do you suffer from long-term memory loss? I don't remember... MARY: I wish I can just forget about the entire story. >But now I remember. AZMI: [singing] It's all coming back-- mmph! TAPSLAUGHT: WE FORGIVE SPICE GIRLS, BUT CELINE DION'S SONGS ARE *NOT* TOLERATED. >I >went to the lake, Claire, and it's >not the same without you. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] I miss you whining about the mosquitoes. >I need >you to get better, so we can go >there together again. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] And this time, I'll smear you with blood before tossing you in. Maybe *that* will entice the Loch Ness monster. >I don't even >know if you can here me, TAPSLAUGHT: THAT'S "HEAR". MARY: [Claire] God, Gryphon, you have a voice like a foghorn! >but if >you can, fight back. MARY: [Gryphon] There's not enough angst in this story unless you recover and we have an emotional confrontation. >I know you. >You can overcome this. I know you >can." CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] After coming back from the dead, this should be easier than Tigra. >Cyclops pushed the door open the >rest of the way and stepped into >the room. MARY: [Scott] Are you a friend of Claire's? AZMI: [Gryphon] Yes? MARY: That's all I need to know. DIE! CALLIOPE: Your Scott is out of character, Mary Sue. MARY: I know. Just venting my hostility. >Gryphon looked up. The >pain he was feeling was clearly >evident. AZMI: "Evident Pain", the new summer look by L'Oreal! >All of the anger, all of >the harsh words Cyclops had on >his mind vanished. MARY: ... replaced by a growing feeling of scorn and contempt. >What he saw >before him was a man who had lost >everything. For whom life had >been one meaningless tragedy after >another. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Working for Sinister isn't that bad. Sure, I can't claim overtime and a raise is out of the question, but the health care plan is fantastic. MARY: Yes, Scott, we know he's angsting. Can we please skip this and get straight to the carnage? >Who's last link to >happiness lay dieing before him. TAPSLAUGHT: THE LAST *HINDRANCE*, SCOTT, THE LAST HINDRANCE. >But more importantly, reflected in >those icy eyes, he saw himself, >and all of the unfairness life had >dealt him . MARY: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Scott, you have nothing in common with that wuss! OH SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVEN, NOOOOOOO!!!!!! AZMI: Calm *down*, Mary! >Where once he would >have happily struck Gryphon down >where he stood, MARY: [growling] Out of character... [The others edge away slightly] >he now placed a >hand on his shoulder. CALLIOPE: ... breaking it with an expert twist. >"How is >she?" AZMI: [Gryphon, sulky] Why is it always about Claire? What about *me*? >"The same. CALLIOPE: [Gryhon] If she doesn't get better, we'll have to send her to the glue factory. >How could I let him do >this to her? I should have done >something?" MARY: Committing hara-kiri would be a step in the right direction... >"What? Sinister was controlling >you. You couldn't even help >yourself. It's no use beating >yourself up over it. Believe me, I >know." TAPSLAUGHT: THE GENETIC MANIPULATION SO THAT SCOTT WOULD FALL IN LOVE WITH JEAN? IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN? AZMI: Marvel "science" at its best. CALLIOPE: I never quite understood that. If Sinister wanted to create the most powerful mutant on Earth, wouldn't it make more sense to make Jean and Xavier fall in love with each other? Look at David Haller -- his mother isn't even a mutant! Of course, he was also mentally unstable... >Something had changed in Scott's >voice. AZMI: Ricola! >Something that said he >spoke from experience. It laid >tribute to all that he had been >through, and that he had survived. AZMI: Mary? MARY: [grudging] Okay, I can accept this... >It was something that gave Gryphon >a spark of hope. MARY: Damn straight it should, Wuss Boy. >Maybe he could >survive, too. AZMI: Bets? Let's see you take on the Shi'ar first. >"You-you're right. I >did all I could. You don't hate >me?" MARY: [Scott] Actually, yes. But I can't say so because it isn't in the script. >"I won't lie to you. CALLIOPE: [Scott] I like you as much as Betsy likes wedgies. >When Jean >told me you were down here I >wanted to pound your face in. MARY: That's not like Scott at all! He's a good fighter, but that doesn't mean he isn't a diplomat either. Remember "God Loves, Man Kills" when he confronted Reverend Stryker and, in the end, convinced Xavier to keep on fighting? AZMI: Thus endeth the obligatory good Claremont story plug. >But >now I can see that I was wrong. >About you, and about Claire. AZMI: [disgusted snort] Of course. Succumb to poor lil' Claire's charms, why don't you? MARY: I don't know whether to rejoice that Scott is finally written as more than just a bastard, or go on a bloody rampage because of this idiotic "poor persecuted Claire is proved right" thing. >You've been through hell, and >we're going to do everything we >can to see that you have a chance >at a brighter future. TAPSLAUGHT: [Scott] WE'LL TOSS YOU AND CLAIRE INTO THE SUN. >So, no, I >don't hate you. It's late. If you >want, I can have a room prepared >for you." CALLIOPE: [Scott, sepulchral] The one with the *special* bed... >"No thank you. I'll stay >here if it's okay? MARY: [Scott] No, it's not. You'll only get in Deadpool's way. >I don't think >I'll get much sleep anyway." AZMI: [Gryphon] I just drank a teaspoonful of Moira's coffee. >"Okay. But try to get some rest. CALLIOPE: [Scott] You'll need it for the Danger Room session tomorrow. [laughs darkly] >I'm going to call a meeting for >tomorrow, AZMI: [Scott] Do you prefer Danish pastry or doughnuts? >and I need you to tell >us all you can about CALLIOPE: ... the Penance-Monet business, because we can't figure it out either. >the time you >spent working for Sinister. AZMI: [Gryphon] Me do lots of bad stuff, me kidnap people off streets for experiments. Next question? >We >might find something that will >help us help Claire." MARY: ... die quicker. >"All right. >And thank you again." CALLIOPE: [flatly] ... for prolonging my misery. >10:30 AM > >The Ready Room CALLIOPE: [Picard] Enter! >Gryphon sat nervously as the X-men >slowly made their way into the >room. AZMI: [singing] Here they come, the beautiful ones, the beautiful ones... >He knew that Cyclops had >told them of his presence in the >mansion, MARY: ... but little did he know that the X-Men had arranged a little "surprise" for him. >but he got the distinct >feeling that some of them didn't >appreciate it. AZMI: [Gryphon] That bone claw skewering my kidney was a subtle clue. >Wolverine was >leaning in a corner glaring at >him. CALLIOPE: [Logan] I don't remember orderin' a Weenie Boy fer breakfast... >Gambit had walked in mumbling AZMI: [Remy] Stupid comics writers... never get Remy's accent right... >about being woken up but stopped >mid sentence when he caught sight >of Gryphon. MARY: [Remy] Merde! 'Nother angster f'r de roof? >Apparently he hadn't >been around when Scott had given >his speech, TAPSLAUGHT: HE HAD, BUT FELL ASLEEP AFTER FIVE MINUTES. MARY: ... in a beer and cigarettes induced stupor. >and no one had >remembered to inform him. CALLIOPE: [Remy] Jus' call Remy de Invisible Man. >"What he doin' here?" MARY: [Scott] He's the complimentary Angster of the Day. >"Gryphon is here to give us AZMI: ... free coupons for meals at McDonald's. CALLIOPE: I don't like McDonald's, but I have to admit that their Prosperity Burger is quite nice. TAPSLAUGHT: WHAT'S THAT? CALLIOPE: Basically, the beef patty is dipped in peppery gravy and topped with onions. I think you can only get it in certain parts of Asia, though. MARY: *Try* to stay focused, people. >information on what Sinister's >been doing lately." AZMI: [Gryphon] I don't know if this means anything, but I saw him talking to a purple dinosaur. Oh, and there was that meeting with some bearded guy... I vaguely remember them mentioning "hidden years" or something. >Jean said >calmly, and nodded at Gryphon. MARY: [Jean] Good luck, Wus-- err, Gryphon. The Sentinels are quite tough but I'm sure you can deal with 1000 of them in no time. AZMI: [Gryphon] You aren't sending me on a suicide mission... are you? MARY: Who, me? >"Well, I don't know just how CALLIOPE: ... many angels can dance on the head of a pin, but I'll do my best. TAPSLAUGHT: INDULGE MY CURIOSITY -- HOW MANY *MUSES* CAN DANCE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN? CALLIOPE: Depends on how large it is. [ignores the stares sent her way] What, do you think I would give away trade secrets? >much >I know will be useful, but here >goes. AZMI: [random X-Man] Do we *have* to? Jeez, my feet are asleep. MARY: [ditto] He *always* "peppers" his speeches with anecdotes. Oh God, we're never gonna leave, are we? CALLIOPE: [ditto] Anecdotes my fanny. More like bardic sagas, if you ask me. >When I was twelve, a man >picked me up off the streets. MARY: Not going to say it... not going to say it... CALLIOPE: *Thank* you. >I >don't remember how long I had been >on my own, but I jumped at the >chance. AZMI: I don't think Chance will take kindly to that, and neither will her dragon. >He told me his name was >Dr. Essex. ALL: DUM-DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUMMMMMM! >He took me back to his >lab and had me do earneds for >him. CALLIOPE: "Earneds"? MARY: I'm not *even* going to speculate about what that is. AZMI: [skeptical] Really? MARY: Okay, I will, but I won't say it. >After awhile he began to >train me as his lab assistant. TAPSLAUGHT: [Sinister] WHEN I CRACK THE WHIP, YOU JUMP THROUGH THE HOOP AND MASSACRE THE MORLOCKS. UNDERSTAND? >I >never really knew what the >research was, AZMI: [Gryphon] I did hear some weird noises like "pika" in the middle of the night, though. >I didn't ask >questions. I just did what I was >told. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] I am a brainless twerp. Please kick me. >Then Claire showed up. AZMI: [singing] She doesn't know your name, and your heart beats like a subway train... Oooh, it makes you wanna die... MARY: How much music do you listen to, anyway? AZMI: Hey, it can pretty boring guarding Subreality Hospital. >I >don't know how much she told you, CALLIOPE: [Rogue] Ev'rythin', sugah. *Ev'rythin'*. MARY: [ditto] Ah must say ya don't look th' type t'go for th' schoolgirl look... CALLIOPE: MARY SUE! >but her father was a real jerk. AZMI: Hey, cut the guy a little slack! He didn't turn her out into the streets, and he *did* leave her his money. >It >had something to do with an >incident that happened when she >was younger, but what I don't >know." AZMI: It was the Noodle Incident. MARY: Calvin grew up and had a sex change operation to become Claire? AZMI: [appalled] MARY! >" There was...an accident CALLIOPE: [random X-Man, muttering] And I'm the Queen of Nile! Hah! >involving her mother. Claire told >us what her father did to her." MARY: [Scott] About a hundred times over. >Scott interjected. >"Okay. Well she ended up at >Essex's lab. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Someone Fed-Exed her to us, and there was no return address so we had to keep her. >We got to know each >other. MARY: [Gryphon] Wink wink, nudge nudge! AZMI: Careful, Mary. The slippers might take offense. >I think we were both >lonely, looking for someone to >confide in. AZMI: [Gryphon] I know now that it was merely carnal lust. It is you, sweet Logan, whom I would share my heart and future with. >The first time I ever >used my powers in front of another >person was to take Claire off the >compound to a lake I knew of. MARY: [Gryphon, leering] At least, that's what I let her believe... CALLIOPE: The first time he used his power in front of another person? What about Sinister? >I >promised her I'd never let anyone >hurt her again, because if anyone >tried, we'd just leave. CALLIOPE: You really *are* a brain cell short of a room temperature IQ, aren't you, Gryphon? MARY: Must be a side-effect of the Mary Sue pheromones. CALLIOPE: Along with the unreasoning incapability of the Mary Sue's paramour to find another woman attractive. >We were >happy. Every day I would meet her >and we would go to the lake. AZMI: [sarcastic] That's it? No nice restaurant, no movies, no shopping? What a Romeo. >Then >one day, she didn't show up. MARY: And let the angst begin! >I >went looking for her. I went into >parts of the lab I had never been >in before. AZMI: [Gryphon] Say... I never knew that Sinister is a Tomb Raider fan! MARY: [ditto] Sinister is subscribed to the X-Files relationshippers list? Hey, he saved all the NC-17 stories! CALLIOPE: [ditto] A complete collection of The Far Side? So *that's* where he gets his ideas from! >I found her in an empty >room, she was almost screaming in >pain. MARY: Must have been exposed to reality for the first time, the poor thing. >I don't know how he knew, >must have had sensors or >something, but he knew I could >teleport and managed to block it. CALLIOPE: Okay, let me get this straight -- one of the best geneticists in the world, who specializes in mutancy, is not supposed to know that his lab assistant is a teleporter? TAPSLAUGHT: WHY DID HE NOT STOP GRYPHON EARLIER? I MUST SAY THAT SINISTER SOUNDS LIKE AN INEFFECTIVE VILLAIN. AZMI: I'm confused, too. What happened to the supernatural elements in the first chapter? Why did Raven call him "lord of dreams"? MARY: Maybe it was dealt with in chapter four. And lucky us, we don't have to read it. >I couldn't help her. The last >thing I really remember is Essex >standing in the doorway. AZMI: [Gryphon] Dramatically backlit by Prism. >But he >wasn't Essex anymore." MARY: He had been split into Essex Blue and Essex Red. AZMI: Nah, he was just replaced by his mother. >"He was Sinister. Can you tell us >anything else?" AZMI: Patience, young grasshopper. MARY: [Gryphon] Well, I can tell you about his underwear collect-- OW! CALLIOPE: Behave. Sinister is *not* Happosai. >"He wiped my memories. AZMI: [Sinister] Like all smart mad scientists, I prefer to use Jif. >Then he >sent me to work gathering >'material' for him. CALLIOPE: The Gathering? Is an alien in an encounter suit going to show up? AZMI: I think it'll be a bunch of immortals running around with *amazingly* hidden swords. >He would tell >me where to go and who to collect, >and I would do it. TAPSLAUGHT: [Sinister] AND REMEMBER, GET THE EGGS FROM MRS FEATHERSTONE. THE BROWNS ALWAYS OVERCHARGE YOU. >He must have >suppressed the part of me that >knew what I was doing was wrong. AZMI: Sinister must have injected him with the Joel Schumacher serum. MARY: Still traumatized over "Batman and Robin", Azmi? AZMI: *Yes*. >He used to talk about the X-Men a >lot. Scott and Jean mostly. >Gambit and Rogue too." CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] He was singing something about "stupid cupid" and laughing. >Rogue raised an eyebrow and looked >at Gambit. He shrugged. AZMI: [Remy] Oui, chere. My shoulders're still dere. >"I have no >idea what de man is talkin' bout." ALL: OF COOOOOOOOOOURSE... >Jean motioned for him to continue. MARY: [Jean] I need my beauty sleep. >"Well there isn't much more to >say. I don't really understand >what happened to Claire. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Hell, I barely understand what's happening in this story! >Someone >else was responsible for this >whole mess. MARY: The one-armed man, I presume. AZMI: I think it's the guy with the blue and red paint on his face. >Her name was Raven. AZMI: Darkholme? She's in here too? MARY: [hopeful] Do you think it's possible for her to shapeshift into Galactus and ground that wuss into pulp? AZMI: ... No. MARY: Damn. >Sinister had been training her as >some kind portage. CALLIOPE: As I recall, "portage" means carrying goods or boats overland between a body of water, or the place where it is done. None of which clarifies my understanding of this subplot in the least. TAPSLAUGHT: I ASSUME IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH HER POWER, ALTHOUGH I HAVE NOT BEEN ENLIGHTENED AS TO EXACTLY WHAT THAT IS. CALLIOPE: Sinister already has a teleporter, anyway. Assuming that he wanted her to be a "kind" carrier of goods, of course. AZMI: Guys? Good thing we're not in a story, or you'd bore our readers to death. >She took the >liberty of doing some experiments >on the side." MARY: [Raven] Oooo.. now let's see what happens if Captain America and Storm fall in love with each other! Tee-hee! AZMI: [Raven] I'll just mix some gunpowder and nails, and throw them in a fire to see what happens! >"Where is she now?" CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] In Hawaii, sipping a Mai Tai. >"Dead. MARY: Oh my God! You killed Raven! AZMI: You bastards! >Sinister didn't know what >she had done at first. CALLIOPE: What I want to know is how she managed to slip it past Sinister, and whether she had a death wish. Who does she think she is, James Bond? >Then he >found out Claire wasn't dead. He >was angry. AZMI: [Sinister] You fool! Do you know what you have done?! You have doomed us all! Doomed! >He had all ready killed >Raven's 'experiment'. CALLIOPE: That's "already". MARY: I wish this damn thing's done, already! >He told me >Raven was next." MARY: How stupid *is* Sinister? Gryphon's his lab assistant, fercryin'outloud! He could have just sent a Marauder to deep six Raven, and transmit a recording of the killing to the whole base. CALLIOPE: A much more effective way to instill fear and loyalty, if I may say so myself. >"So we'll never know what >happened." Jean said AZMI: ... and felt secretly relieved. Now her dark secret would never be revealed. MARY: [smirking] The Phoenix Files -- The Retcon is Out There. AZMI: So instead of the metal tube thingy Sinister gave Remy, Jean gets a frozen baby alien? >"Not unless Sinister gets a >conscience and decides tells us." TAPSLAUGHT: WHICH IS ABOUT AS LIKELY AS CANCERMAN GIVING UP SMOKING. CALLIOPE: Or *certain* editors getting a clue. >Scott said morosely. AZMI: Here, Scott. Have some Prozac. >"That's all >for now. Dismissed." MARY: [teacher] Don't forget to hand in your assignment on unstable molecules tomorrow! >Everyone got up and filtered out >of the room. AZMI: I never knew the X-Men can pass through a muslin cloth... >Everyone, that is, >except Wolverine and Gambit. MARY: [Logan] We'll just stay here an'... heh heh... work out some issues. >They >stood in the door way, blocking >Gryphon's path. CALLIOPE: [Logan, menacing] The little boy's room's over there, bub. >"Nice story, bub." AZMI: [Logan] I just love the part where the prince and the princess live happily ever after. >"Yeah, mon ami. Y' really 'spect >us t' believe dat?" MARY: [snarky] Well, they believed you and Bishop, didn't they? CALLIOPE: [Gryphon, snotty] Actually, I did. Assuming you haven't smoked out your brain cells a long time ago, of course. >"You should. It's the truth. AZMI: [smirks] Spider Jerusalem would love this guy. CALLIOPE: If he didn't use the bowel disrupter on Gryphon first, that is. >Look, >I know how much you must hate me. >Believe me, I hate myself more. MARY: [singing] It's not unusual to be hated by everyone... >If >I ever get my hands on Sinister, >he's a dead man. AZMI: [Gryphon] And his little dog, too! >Now if you'll >excuse me...." He vanished. MARY: Does anyone ever uses doors for anything other than dramatic effect anymore? >"Well how do ya like that?" TAPSLAUGHT: WITH THE BLOOD OF THOUSANDS ON THE SIDE, PLEASE. >Gambit >just shrugged. CALLIOPE: [Remy] I jus' go with de flow, mon ami. De story has to end *sometime*. >Back in the Med-lab AZMI: ... the laws which govern reality are twisted into mockeries of themselves. TAPSLAUGHT: WELCOME TO THE MARVEL UNIVERSE. >Beast jumped as he heard a noise >like the tearing of fabric behind >him. AZMI: [Hank] Oh my stars and garters, that's the third pair of speedos this week! I seriously have to cut down on the Twinkies... >He was surprised to find >Gryphon behind him. MARY: [Hank] Aren't you supposed to be dead? CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] No, see... the exclusion clause in the Mary Sue contract applies to me. >' Teleporters. >Gotta hate 'em.' AZMI: [Beast, singing] I hate myself for loving you, can't break free from the the things that you do... >"Dr. McCoy, how is she." Gryphon's >tone belied his hopelessness. CALLIOPE: Are you asking Beast, or making a statement? MARY: Yep, you can just FEEL the worry in his voice. >"Actually, she seems to have >stabilized. AZMI: ... much like a mixture of matter and antimatter. >Her vitals are still >weak, but they are no longer >fluctuating. MARY: [Beast] As a matter of fact, they are steadily weakening. >I still cannot say if >she will regain consciousness, but >I am confident that she will make >it through the night. TAPSLAUGHT: [Hank] MY CONDOLENCES. >I could use >your knowledge to TAPSLAUGHT: ... CONQUER THE WORLD! >help me find out >just what Sinister did to her, MARY: ... so we can replicate the process, only with more pain. AZMI: Cruel, Mary, cruel. >as >I have no tissue samples on record >to make a comparison." AZMI: She lived at the mansion for a while, didn't she? Why don't you just get some hair from her hairbrush? MARY: He said "tissue", Azmi. I don't think hair qualifies. AZMI: Well, if it worked on Star Trek... >Gryphon gave him a brief smile. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] You'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. >Doing lab work like this was what >he was good at. MARY: [Gryphon] I also know all the positions in the Kama Sutra! CALLIOPE: Mary Sue... >He had, after all, >had Sinister as a teacher. AZMI: Oh, I can just *see* the testimonial: "Gryphon, despite a tendency to angst in the odd hours of the morning, is an excellent lab assistant and coffee- maker. He is quick to learn and quick to duck. Gryphon also gets along well with Minions[tm]. I would recommend him to any Villainous Scientist[tm], save those with pastel-haired female test subjects." >And >Claire was stable. MARY: [Gryphon] Yay! Oh, wait... this is a bad thing. >That meant >there was a possibility, however >slim, CALLIOPE: That we might make it through this story with our sanity intact. >that she just might live. ALL: [sobbing] Oh, the inhumanity! >A >small ray of hope MARY: ... which soon transformed into Lady Death, ready to kick some wussy butt! >had broken >through the darkness that entombed >him. AZMI: [darkness] Ow! Watch it, you jerk! CALLIOPE: [Ray aka Phoenix II] I am NOT small! >End Part Five ROSAVENGER: [over the loudspeakers] And that's all, you waste of fuel resources. ALL: THANK THE SUPREME BEING! AZMI: Y'know, this fic just gave me an idea... MARY: [grinning] Do tell. [Calliope and TAPSLAUGHT look at each other worriedly as they file out of the theatre.] SATELLITE #1013'S LOUNGE To their unpleasant surprise, Dark Beast was waiting for them, a smug smirk plastered on his furry face. His eyes lit up like a twin suns as he regarded the test subjects. "Well, well..." he leered at them through the viewscreen. "Ready to acknowledge the subjugation of your wills?" "In your dreams, mortal," Calliope spat. "WHAT SHE SAID," TAPSLAUGHT rumbled. Azmi merely raised her chin and looked defiant. Mary Sue walked quietly to her side, taking a moment to slip something behind her back. "It's not over," she stated coolly. He looked disappointed, but only for a second. "I was certain... no. If that can't break your will, little ones, maybe *this* will!" he laughed, reaching for a diskette. "Hold it!" Mary Sue said firmly. "I suppose *you're* going to stop me, yadda yadda?" the blue-furred mutant asked, boredom dripping from his tone. "There is one thing that will stop you, Dark Beast. One ultimate weapon that even you can't override." "And that would be?" Mary whipped out a large square of cardboard. On it were written the words: "Mary Sue, Azmifarayaro, TAPSLAUGHT and Calliope materialized in the Dark Beast's laboratory, where they proceeded to beat him senseless. The end." "Writer's power," she said with great satisfaction. The Dark Beast's eyes barely had time to widen before the four appeared around him, fists raised. An attempt to flee was rapidly aborted by Azmi's well-aimed kick, sending him crashing to the floor. His screams were choked off by TAPSLAUGHT's hands around his throat, throwing him onto the button. FWOOSH! As the screen darkened, the only sounds on the satellite were Rosavenger's high-pitched laughter. ______________________________________ Mystery Science Theatre 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson and is the property of Best Brains. No copyright infringement is intended. I've also made extensive use of copyrighted materials (which do not belong to me) in this MSTing, all without permission. I'm not doing it for money, guys, so please don't sue. Any mention of certain writers is not meant as an insult, and the aforesaid writers belong to themselves. Rosavenger belongs to me. If you want to borrow her for future MSTings, ask me and I'll probably say yes. ;) The TAPSLAUGHT concept was created by Abyss, and Azmifarayaro is the creation of several writers. The Heroes' And Heroines' Rulebook is managed by JB McDonald. The Mystery Subreality Theatre 3000 concept belongs to Seraph, and "Claire's Confusion" belongs to Timesprite. No insult is intended towards the author of the story, who in fact gave me permission to MST her work. Thanks, hon. I would also like to thank Lyssie and Rose for helping out -- I couldn't do it without them. I'd like to apologize to Skyrocket, because writing this story caused long delays in beta- ing *his* stories. WHEW! I can't believe I actually finished this. My first MSTing, and I *had* to pick a four-chapter story. ;) Maybe next time I'll try something shorter. *Much* shorter. I hope you've enjoyed the MSTing, and don't forget to send feedback at . ______________________________________ >"Your Clare was never real! She was only >a clone!