prose
WRITTEN:
1983, 16 years
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
This is one of several short pieces and poems that originally comprised a major project that I became obsessed with when I was 16. I was pretty fed up at the time because a lot of people (including the school counsellor) were hell-bent on making me confess to being a "suicide junkie", and while I'd made one suicide attempt by that time, the other "attempts" had only been to see if anyone noticed (mostly they didn't) and were not meant to terminate my vital signs. I wanted to write something so totally outlandish that people might think I was an undiscovered genius, and then I could say something like, Aha, but you wouldn't take me seriously when I said I was unhappy! and some of them might actually apologise.
Every piece in the series had to do with suicide in one way or another, including accidental suicide after the "candidate" had actually changed his mind. I didn't want to be writing blatantly about suicide because I felt that would be self-defeating and people might actually think I was writing a suicide manifesto (or similar rubbish), so everything was allusion or metaphor or otherwise disguised.
The setting for this piece is sometime in the far future, when people are divided into various clans by occupation, and further divided into tribes. I was very much into spies and covert stuff at the time, so I devised a scenario where someone born into the elite Controller clan was genetically predisposed to a different clan and trying to cope, then got sent out to that clan as a spy, but could not reveal their true inclination because this would mean instant execution because of the internal laws of that clan. Despite having been so unhappy as to attempt suicide (this is what the interview is about - please ask if you want the "thing" explained), the person does not want to be executed, and so has to try to lie their way out of the investigation into what they were doing there in the first place.
Several of the pieces that comprise the greater work have been lost, but one day I will attempt to put them all together (and write some new material as well) as I feel there is potential in there for a half-decent (if somewhat morbid and peculiar) piece of SF.
A: I remember. They hit me. They took something from me.
Q: This thing they took away from you, was it valuable?
A: I don't think it was worth any money. It was important to me.
Q: Why was it important to you? Did it have a special use?
A: I had to use it to speak.
Q: What do you mean, exactly? Was it a mechanical device?
A: It had no moving parts. I used it somehow. It was flat and had a hole and a slot in the middle. I don't remember exactly how I used it, but I wanted to tell people something very important but they didn't understand, so I used this thing.
Q: Did you hold it on your mouth?
A: No. I kept it in my hands. It had some writing on it.
Q: Did that writing explain how to use it?
A: No. It said what it was, or who made it, or what it was made of. I don't remember it really. They told me to forget about it and I did because I was afraid of them.
Q: Who are "they"?
A: The Gardenpeople. They taught things. They were older than me, but they were the same.
Q: Did they use "things" to speak?
A: No, the Gardenpeople didn't need them. When they found me with one they hit me and said it was very bad to use one in the way I was.
Q: Why did they hit you?
A: I was screaming. They made me be quiet.
Q: Can you tell us the names of the Gardenpeople? How many of them were there?
A: We were in the room near the stairs. There were five Gardenpeople and three Learningpeople.
Q: Were you one of the Learningpeople?
A: Not really. I was only pretending to be one of them.
Q: Who were you?
A: I was a Controller, but the Superpeople sent me to watch the Learningpeople.
Q: Why didn't you pretend to be one of the Gardenpeople?
A: I didn't look like them. I didn't even look like the Watchpeople. I had to pretend to own two Watchpeople, but they didn't believe I belonged to the Learningpeople. I had to give them to some other Watchpeople.
Q: Isn't that against the law of the Superpeople?
A: Yes. That's why I had to talk to the other Learningpeople. That's why I used that thing.
Q: When you were a Controller, what did you look like?
A: I looked like the Guardpeople when they are at half-age.
Q: Are you going to become one of the Superpeople?
A: No. By their standards my vision is impaired.
Q: What will you become?
A: The Superpeople have promised to kill me so I can join the Beastpeople.
Q: Which of the Beastpeople tribes will you choose?
A: I don't know yet.
Q: Do you have a name?
A: Don't say that word.
Q: Which word?
A: No, no, no...
Q: What was your name?
A: No, no, no!
Q: What-
A: No! No! NO NO NO NO NO!
Q: What was your name?
A: -
Q: Are you still there?
A: -
Q: Terminate program.