"Scully?" he whispered, not wanting to startle her. His arms hung limp at his sides as he waited in the dark for his partner to wake up. "Scully?" he asked, a little louder this time.
He was greeted with an incoherent moan as Scully rolled over and lifted her eyelids to half-mast.
"I had a bad dream, Scully."
His words did not register with Scully, for she had already fallen back to sleep from her exhaustion. She had been too tired to hear the screams that brought him here.
(Scully, wake up. I'm scared, Scully. I need you. I wonder if she'll get mad if I climb in with her. She'll probably slap me…I don't care; I'll chance it. ) Tentatively, he lifted up the blanket and sheet and slid in next to her, backing up against her and tucking the blanket underneath his chin. The heat radiating from her comforted him.
Scully groggily felt something back up against her, and she incoherently reached out to see what it was. Soft skin, damp with cold sweat. A sweet, deeply reassuring scent. Mulder. With an instinct beyond thought, she wrapped her arm around his chest and nuzzled into his neck…then clarity returned. (Oh, my God. Mulder's in my bed. What the hell is he doing here? ) But when she became aware of the trembling she felt underneath her arm, she realised that he must have had a nightmare, and relaxed again.
Mulder felt the sudden tension in Scully's arm and figured she must have just become aware of what was going on. (No. Please, Scully, don't kick me out. ) Then he sensed her muscles relaxing again and felt her cuddle back into his neck. Then a warm breath on his ear as she whispered, "It's all right, Mulder. Just a dream. Go to sleep." He felt something soft brush his ear, and a warm feeling ran down his spine.
(Oops. I shouldn't have kissed him like that…and while he's lying in my bed! I hope I didn't scare him. )
Mulder felt his eyes sting with a sadness he could not understand, and he soon drifted off to sleep. (Thanks, Scully. )
Later in the night, Scully awoke as Mulder began fidgeting around and groaning. She squeezed his hand to calm him, and without waking, he settled back into a peaceful sleep.
(Well, that was much easier than awakening to his screams once the nightmare is full blown…much better than cleaning up a wet bed. ) With that thought, she returned to her slumber.
)*&^(*
The alarm bolted Scully awake, and she reached to switch it off. She was surprised to find Mulder still asleep, even through the alarm. "Mulder, wake up." He didn't respond, so she shook him lightly.
"Huh?"
"You slept through the alarm. It's time to get up." As consciousness returned, so did his fear of Scully's reaction to his being there, intensified by the harsh light of morning, and he rolled over to look at her. "Scully, I'm so sorry I…I just had such a bad nightmare, and—"
"Don't worry about it. I understand." Scully shifted uneasily. "It's better than the alternative, you know," she mentioned, trying to downplay her enjoyment of having him sleep next to her.
"What?"
"Well, last night I could hear you moaning, and when I squeezed your hand, you settled down and I didn't hear anything else from you…beats not knowing about it until it's full blown and you wake up screaming and…"
"You're not mad?"
His concern made her smile. "No. It seemed to help you out a lot."
"Yeah," he whispered hoarsely as his mouth turned into a lopsided grin.
"You seemed to sleep more deeply, too. You didn't even wake up when my alarm went off."
He became uncomfortable with that last comment. Because now the question was, 'If it gives me the sleep I've been chasing all these years, and she doesn't mind, should we keep doing this?' That question was not one that he wanted to discuss right now. There were too many issues involved. Mulder sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. His long legs allowed his feet to rest solidly on the floor, unlike Scully's when she made the same movement.
*&^*%
"I told Scully what happened with Krycek."
Dr. Sawyer raised her eyebrows with surprise. "You did?"
"Yeah," he answered shyly.
"That's very good, Mulder. How did you feel?"
"It was one of the most frightening things I've ever done…well, aside from almost dying from an alien retrovirus, being chased up escalator tunnels by mutants, and things like that…but afterwards I did feel some relief."
"I'm glad to hear that," she smiled. She kept silent for a few minutes, then decided to bring up a subject she knew Mulder wanted to avoid. "How are you doing at night? With the nightmares, and the bed wetting."
At the last word, Mulder turned ashamedly crimson and slouched in on himself. "I don't know," he muttered.
"Are you still wetting the bed?"
Cringing with embarrassment at the reference, he nodded.
"Is there anything that can help that?" Scully asked.
Dr. Sawyer sighed. "Well, not directly, no. But I think that once you start to talk about what your father did to you that should stop. The emotional connection with the memories won't be as strong."
"I don't want to talk about it."
She could tell Mulder was beginning to regress to his childlike stubbornness again, but she couldn't afford to let him do that right now "Do you want to quit wetting the bed?"
His eyes began to sting and he felt his throat tighten. "Yes," he whispered
"Well, you're going to have to work for that, Mulder."
(But I don't want to. ) His tears of frustration began to fall from his burning eyes and his jaw became tighter as he tried to fight them off.
"It's your choice."
(Goddammit! Fuck you. Not now. I just can't do it now. Maybe later, but not now. ) He remained silent.
*&)^&%
For the next couple of nights, Mulder slept with Scully, and he was happy that he had not wet the bed during those times. And the nightmares didn't become very horrific, due to Scully's awareness of the early signs. A squeeze of the hand or a move to bring him closer would stop them so that he didn't get to the stage where he would lose control of himself.
It was comforting for him to have her next to him. But the tone was changing. Scully seemed less like a comforting mother to him than she was a romantic presence.
Sunday night, Mulder crawled into bed with Scully, as had become their routine. But tonight he felt different. He didn't want her to just hold him; he wanted her to kiss him.
He raised his hand to pull her face to him. Very carefully, he reached up to kiss her softly. It felt so nice to finally kiss Dana Scully…not a friendly kiss, but a real one. He smiled and fell asleep quickly.
However, later that night, Scully had her arm wrapped round his waist as they slept. She shifted in her sleep, and unknowingly moved her hand down…a little too far for Mulder. She was jolted out of her sleep as Mulder jumped out of his slumber, striking her across the face and shoving her violently out of the bed.
Terrified and confused, Scully looked round for a few moments before she realised that Mulder had just hit her and thrown her to the floor. By the time she figured out what was going on, she could hear the sobbing coming from the bed. She got up; wiping away some of the blood that she could feel trickling down her face, and sat cautiously on the bed.
"I'm so sorry, Scully…I can't believe I did that! Oh, God, I hit you Scully. Holy shit, Scully, I hit you. I never meant to…I'm so sorry! I was asleep and I guess I just thought you were…were my dad."
"What?" She cocked her head.
Mulder wouldn't look at her. "Your hand went…down…a little bit…down There." He drew his knees to his chest.
Her fear gone, Scully reached out to him. He backed away. "I'm so sorry, Scully. I know you hate me."
"No, no I don't Mulder. It terrified me, and it hurt me, but I know you didn't know what you were doing."
Only a rocking motion that he began answered her.
"Mulder…why did you think…what did he do to you, sweetheart?"
"Oh, God, Scully…I can't…I can't do this. Not now. Please. Please."
"All right." She reached out again to comfort him, but he jerked away, almost tumbling off the bed.
(Don't touch me. I'm scared of you. Go away. ) "Scully, please don't touch me…I…You just scared me too much…Not now…give me some time to calm down."
Her eyes saddened, but she knew she needed to give him the space he needed.
&($#^%^
Mulder surprised Scully on their way to bed Sunday night. She expected him to avoid her after the night before, but for some reason he began kissing her. (What do you want? How am I supposed to figure this out, Mulder? ) A few moments later, Scully decided that by the way Mulder was kissing her, he wanted to take things farther. So she reached up underneath his shirt and trailed her fingers lightly across his belly near his waistline. Suddenly she felt his body jerk away from her and heard his gasp. He began to tremble. "Mulder, what's wrong?"
His eyes were filled with stark terror and he backed away slowly. "Don't touch me like that."
"It's okay. I won't do that. I'm sorry; I didn't know." Scully noticed his lip quivering and she approached him carefully and took his hand, only to have him recoil painfully. "It's all right…Mulder, the way things have turned, we need to talk about something."
(Oh, no. She's going to leave me. )
She sat him down on the bed and spoke quietly. "Now, Mulder, our relationship has taken a romantic turn. And with that, certain things usually happen. I need you to tell me…please tell me, Mulder, where it's not safe for me to touch you." Seeing the sudden panic that only she could recognise, she finished, "Mulder, I know you think I'm going to be mad if you tell me you don't like to be touched in certain ways…but you need to know that it's okay with me. We can work through this together…at your pace, however long that may take."
He continued to look downward in embarrassment.
"Can you do that, Mulder? Can you tell me where it's not safe?"
"Uh…I," he stuttered. "I g-guess ssso."
"Okay," She waited patiently.
"Not where you touched. Not along my underwear…I…I hate that…it scares me."
"Okay, Mulder, I won't. Where else?"
"Uh…my…my thighs; I don't like that either…my…behind…and…and, th-There."
"There?"
He flushed a deeper shade of red.
"Your penis?"
(Oh, God, Scully, don't say that word. )
She could see him flinching and tried to put him at ease. "Okay, honey. I won't touch you any of those places until you feel safe with that…But you have to tell me these things, because I can't know if you don't tell me."
"Okay. T—th—thanks, Sc—ully."
(%^&$)^
"How did your weekend go?" Dr. Sawyer asked him.
Mulder glanced nervously at Scully. "Well…I'm having some…having some problems."
"What's going on?"
"Last week I had a nightmare and climbed into bed with Scully. I've been sleeping there ever since, 'cause my nightmares don't get really bad and I don't wet the bed…and, well, things have changed a little," he paused. "Scully and I have been more than best friends for several years now. And we're extremely close. I think we've been wanting to move on for a long time but have never done anything about I…but I think we aren't able to lie to each other about it anymore…so things are turning a bit…romantic, I guess."
Dr. Sawyer listened patiently, pleased that he was talking more than he had before. "Is that scary for you?"
Scully suddenly felt as if she were intruding and asked, "Mulder, do you want me to leave? This might be something you would be able to talk about more freely if I weren't here."
Mulder fidgeted in his chair. "No, Scully. I…I want you to understand."
"Okay…you just tell me at any time if you want me to go."
"All right…Yes, it scared me a little, things getting romantic. It's…it's what I really want, it's just…frightening."
"In what way?"
"Well…mostly, in the physical sense." Mulder began to flush again and pushed his chair a little farther into his corner.
"What frightens you about that?" the therapist prodded.
"Well, last night…see, I've wanted this for a long time, and I still do, it's just scaring me now…last night, we were in the bedroom and I started kissing her, and after a while she…started touching me underneath my shirt, by my underwear…and it, it really freaked me out."
"What happened?"
"I…I thought…I guess I had a kind of a flashback…it was like I couldn't distinguish her touch from my father's…" Nervous sweat dampened his brow. "He…he used to start like that." He stopped talking then, the lump in his throat stopping him from being able to form any more words. Frightened eyes squeezed shut.
"Are you remembering what he used to do right now?"
He could only nod his head.
"Tell me what you're seeing."
He shook his head vigorously, holding his breath. He could feel his father's hands on him, pulling down his pajamas. "NO. Nonononono."
"It's all right, Mulder," Scully encouraged.
"No. No no. I'm not. I'm not going to talk about it. I don't have to, I DON'T HAVE TO," he growled, turning suddenly angry.
"No, you don't have to, Mulder," the doctor told him. "You don't have to." She tried to put Mulder at ease by changing the subject to something lighter, not knowing what Mulder would have to say. "What else happened this weekend?"
"Something bad happened on Friday."
"What?"
"Scully had her arm around my waist and we were sleeping and I guess she shifted in her sleep, because suddenly her hand was…There."
"There?"
"Yeah, There. And I was asleep and confused so I guess I thought it was my dad and without knowing it, I…I hit her," his head hung shamefully and he wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.
"I knew he didn't know it was me. Mulder, please believe me. I understand that it was just a mistake."
"Yeah, but…but…I HIT you, Scully. I fucking hit you…I LOVE you, Scully. More than I have anyone, ever, and I HIT you. Scully, I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry, Scully…." His tears fell freely from his eyes and onto the carpet that he saw fade before him.
Scully was shocked at Mulder's revelation to her. (He LOVES me? MULDER said THAT? ) She scooted her chair next to him and stroked his back with gentle movements. "Shhh, Mulder. It's okay. I know you, and I know you didn't mean it. I know. It's okay. Don't blame yourself."
"But…but what if it happens again? I can't risk that happening again," he managed to sputter out.
"Mulder, we'll just see what happens. You know, as you get better, it probably won't scare you so much that you react that way."
"She's right. Mulder, as you recover from this, you won't react that way nearly as much." She paused. "But…until you talk about your memories and work through them, you'll continue to have irrational reactions like that, and it will be scary to be touched in any kind of sexual way."
"I want…I want to like her to touch me. I want to like it. I want…" Confused words trailed off into helpless tears again.
"Mulder," Dr. Sawyer continued, "You can get there. It's just going to take a lot of work on your part. You're going to have to face your memories; the fear, the anger, and probably most daunting for you, the pain."
"It's not fucking fair. It's not! I finally change my relationship with Scully, and now I can't even do anything!" He looked at Scully with guilt. "I'm sorry, Scully. This isn't fair to you. You can't even touch me, and I can't do anything with you, Scully. It's not fair to you."
Scully let out a heavy breath. "Mulder, don't you remember what I told you? Didn't you believe me? I told you that I love you, and that nothing is going to change that." After she thought a few moments, she continued. "I know that you've never had someone love you like that, with no conditions put on you. You probably don't understand it. It's hard to trust in something you've never experienced. Especially for you. But you have the strength in you to do that. You have such a strong faith inside of you."
Some of her words sank in, but he was not able to believe them al right now. However, he was able to believe enough to know that she believed her words, even if he didn't.
"Are you going to your group today?" Dr. Sawyer asked him.
Grumbling in the affirmative, he started to drift off in his mind.
*)^$%^$
"That was tough, huh?" Scully queried as she flipped the locks on the car door.
"Yeah," he replied softly, tossing his crutches in the back seat and falling into the front one.
"Where would you like to go to lunch during your couple of hours of freedom?"
As he laid his head on the headrest, he sighed out his response. "I don't care. Just get me out of here."
Lunch lightened Mulder's mood some. With a little time to kill, Scully drove them to a nearby park. She found a picnic table shaded peacefully by a tall maple tree. Mulder sat across from her and lost himself in the freshly-cut-grass-scented-breeze and small chirps from sparrows hopping from branch to branch.
Scully saw him drifting away as he did often these days and touched his hand to bring him back. He returned with what she called "That Look": tortured eyes begging her to let him go back to the place he had found safe inside himself.
"Hey. Where you going?"
"Hmm?"
"Where do you go? When you get like that. When you leave."
"I don't know…just kinda, not here."
Scully suddenly felt a rush of sadness. "I miss you," she spoke with some fear.
"What?"
"I miss you."
(She hates me. )
Scully could read the guilt straight off of his face. "No, Mulder. I don't mean…I just—" Getting up quickly, she moved around the table and at next to him, pulling his chin up to look into his eyes. "I didn't mean that the way you took it, Mulder. I just miss your jokes, that's all. And I don't miss it your me as much as I miss it for you. I love you no matter what kind of space you're in. I'm just sad that you're so depressed that you don't even joke with me anymore. Sad for you, not me. You don't need to ever change anything for me to keep loving you. I'm sorry; I didn't think about how you would perceive that. Trust me, Mulder."
At those last words, his eyes began to tear up. (I want to. I want to trust you. )
Scully took a chance and leaned toward him carefully, giving him time to back away if he wanted to. But he did now. She kissed his lips gently, running her fingers through his hair. Surprised, she felt him respond as he held her face tenderly in his hands. He then broke away from the kiss and rested he forehead on hers, closing his eyes and allowing himself to feel some peace.
"I love you, Scully."
She could barely hear the words, but she knew the courage and strength that it took for him to say them. She couldn't stop her eyes from tearing a bit at what he said. "I know, Mulder. I know you do."
*(&^#$#@
He dug his fingers into the seat of the colorless plastic, ran his fingernails over the rough fringes that lined the edges underneath the chair.
"Mulder, how have you been?" The session had been going on a while; Mulder had spoken a little, feeling awkward about how to talk about Things with people.
(Dammit. Don't call on me. ) "I don't know. Fine."
"Do you have any issues you're dealing with?"
(Fuck. ) "Uh…yeah…I guess."
Scott waited for him to continue.
"I…well, my partner at the FBI, we've been partners for five years now. We're very close…she's…well, we've moved into a kinda romantic relationship recently. And…well, it's tough because…I used to be okay with sex—until Krycek."
"Krycek? What's that?"
"Oh. He's the one who…" (raped me. )
"Okay."
"So, whenever she touches me in a sensitive place, I freak out. And I'm so frustrated, 'cause I want to be able to do that. And I want to make love to her…but I'm too scared. I can't…I can't even stand to look at my own body, much less deal with someone else's."
"Mulder," one of the members spoke up, "I've noticed that you have a lot of trouble saying, even listening to other people say words pertaining to sexual issues or body parts. I know that, for a long time, I couldn't say many words like penis, breast, other things." He empathetically noticed Mulder's flushing face. "I was married when the abuse started coming back to me, and I found I had to re-explore the human body and feel safe with it again. You know, one thing I found very helpful in getting used to being nude in front of my wife again, and seeing her body, was taking showers with her. 'Cause we were naked, but there was something non-sexual to do that I could keep myself occupied with and still do some exploring. Just washing each other with a washrag gave me a chance to get used to touching her again, and I didn't even have to touch skin to skin; there was that washrag as a sort of buffer. I could look at her body, become re-acquainted to looking at it without terror and to be naked in front of her, but there was that non-sexual purpose, something for me to do. But to be safe and not go too far too quickly and scare yourself, I'd limit her contact with you, and let her know you need to be the one in control of all touching. It's not a good idea to let her wash you anywhere even remotely scary for you the first time. It might help you; I know it helped me a lot…just remember to take it slower than you think you should. Be safe."
Mulder chewed over his words for a while, wondering if maybe he could handle something like that.
*(&%#$@
Scully concentrated only on the soothing steam flowing in and out of her lungs as she stood in the shower. So she was startled when Mulder popped his head in.
"Oh, God, Mulder! You scared the shit out of me."
"I'm sorry, Scully."
It then dawned on her that he was here, in the bathroom, while she was taking a shower…even looking in on her. He was being extremely bold compared to his recent behaviour. Cocking her head in curiosity, she asked hem what he was doing.
"I…I don't know."
Several uncomfortable moments passed by with the water streaming from the shower making the only sound. "Did you want to come in with me?"
Mulder chewed on his lip and looked around nervously.
Scully could tell that was the reason he was there but that he felt too embarrassed to ask her. "Come in," she urged him.
As the opportunity actually arose, Mulder began to get quite nervous. He pulled his head from the shower curtain and started to undress and put the plastic bag on his ankle that he wore in the shower. With each piece of clothing he removed, a new layer of anxiety was added on, and by the time he pushed his head through the curtain again, he wasn't so sure he still wanted to do this.
Scully sensed his doubt and reached a hand out to him. "It's all right," she said in the most non-threatening voice she had. "Come on, it's okay."
Her soft words caressed his frazzled nerves, and he decided he could do this. Still trembling, he cautiously stepped into the shower, turned sideways towards Scully, exposing neither his front side nor his backside to her.
She smiled at his bravery and hoped he could see how proud she was of him at that moment.
Her look easing his fears a bit more, he turned to face her and slowly followed her jawline with his finger. Letting Mulder be in control here, Scully made no moves towards him.
His fingertip moved down her neck and paused questioningly at her shoulder. He needed permission, so she let him know. "It's okay, Mulder. Yes, you can."
His eyes followed the line of his finger concentrating only on what it touched. He felt safer this way; he had somewhere to focus his nervous and darting eyes that he did not know what to do with.
He began to feel anxious again as his finger continued down her shoulder. (I can do this. I can do this. Just focus on what's there under my fingertip. Don't think about having to please her. Don't think about the fact that you're stark naked in front of her…Her skin is so soft. ) His fingertip made its way trembling towards her breast. He could feel the skin slope toward him and he knew where he was. (Oh, I'm not supposed to be doing this. Not supposed to. No, this is okay. I love her. She said it's okay. She's happy with me. She loves me. ) Encouraged enough now, his other fingers joined the one and he let his hand rest on Scully's body. (It feels soft, warm. It's not going to hurt me. It's just a part of her. It's a breast. Say the word, Mulder. Don't cringe and avoid it again. You can say these words; you're not bad to say them. )
Scully heard him mumble through the water streaming down his face. She couldn't understand what he said, but it must have been important for him, because she could feel his hand relax some.
(Okay. One more thing is all I need to do right now. ) His finger traced her nipple slowly, exploring and trying to see it as something non-threatening. He rested his hand once more on her breast, then returned his eyes to hers, letting her know that was all he wanted to do tonight. Scully beamed back at him, but didn't move to touch him in return, anywhere. She picked up her shampoo and casually continued with her shower, allowing Mulder to watch her. When she was done, she reached to turn the water off when she felt Mulder's hand on her shoulder.
"Scully?"
"Yeah?"
Taking in a deep breath, he asked her, "Will you wash my hair?"
(You've come so far, Mulder. ) With a smile, she told him she would love to, and picked up the shampoo again. She poured out a little into her hand and massaged it into his hair. She noticed him closing his eyes. He always liked her to stroke his hair, but being naked while allowing her to do that was risky for him. Scully knew this and was careful. She held his head under the spray and watched as clumps of white suds fell from his hair and made their way to the drain. Then she followed with some conditioner. "This will make your hair even softer," she told him, smiling. He never fooled with things like conditioner. He was a get in, get clean, get out type of man, but she thought he might enjoy the extra attention. When she had finished, she stepped out of the shower, leaving him alone to finish taking his own shower before settling in for the night.
&^)&*^%
Scully rested her small hand on the large one beside her, silently letting Mulder know how happy she was. Mulder reached behind her and pulled her close to him, burying his nose in her damp hair.
She closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment she had to be close to him. Her ear pressed to his chest, she could feel the hypnotic rhythm of his heartbeat. (I could lie here for the rest of my life. ) Her arms wrapped around his waist and she pulled him closer.
He felt pleasant warmth with her touch. He couldn't remember feeling this good before.
"Mom wants us to come to dinner tomorrow night. Does that sound good?"
(Mom. I've missed her the last couple for weeks. I miss the attention she gives me and all her smiles. ) "Mmm. Yeah." Mulder didn't want to talk; he wanted to concentrate on every little detail about Scully. Her heavy, wet hair, scented with fresh shampoo. The weight of her body on him, the steady in and out of her breath. Her soft skin. The way she wrapped her arms around him and nuzzled into his chest. He pulled her chin up to look at her face a few moments before leaning down to kiss her.
Scully wasn't expecting him to be so bold after his earlier efforts. She even felt his tongue slide along her lips, and she opened her mouth to it. After she shifted to a more comfortable position, she was surprised when she felt him take her wrist and direct her hands between his legs. She pulled her hand away. "Mulder, are you—"
"Yes, Scully," he breathed.
Cautiously, she let him guide her hand back to his groin. She was more than shocked when Mulder unbuttoned his jeans. "Mulder. No. I don't think—"
"Please, Scully." He pulled her hand back to the area that was now covered only with a thin layer of cotton.
Mulder was scared. He had gotten scared when he felt Scully's tongue and didn't get excited. When he had her touch him There through his jeans and he didn't get hard. When he felt her hand rubbing him through his underwear and he didn't respond. And when he felt her hand directly on him and he still couldn't get aroused, he began to panic. (What's wrong with me? I'm not responding to her at all. I did with Krycek. I did with my dad. Holy shit. What's wrong with me? )
Scully noticed that he was not getting an erection from her now quite insistent touch and pulled her hand away. (He's not doing this because he wants it. I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to contribute to what he is doing to himself. Look at him. He's hyperventilating. Mulder, what are you doing to yourself? ) "Mulder, no. I'm not going to do this."
(Whatswrongwithmewhatswrongwithmeimsofuckedupimsosick. I liked it. I liked it with them. And I don'' like it with her. Oh, God, I'm sick. ) He pulled his pants up and bolted from the room as fast as his crutches could carry him.
Scully remained stunned on the couch. (What THE HELL was that? He wasn't doing that 'cause he liked it. What the hell was he doing? Jesus Christ, Mulder, you're driving me nuts! I can't do this anymore. ) She jumped up quickly and followed him to the bedroom where he was just beginning to sit down on the bed. (I can't help it. I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of walking on eggshells with him. ) "Mulder, what the fuck was that? What were you doing? Mulder, I'm so tired! I'm so tired! I never know what to do around you; I never know how to touch you, what you want! I never know if you need me to hold you or want me to go away and not come near you, or want me to kiss you or, now, try to get you off! You're driving me FUCKING NUTS!" She slumped with exhaustion.
That hurt Mulder. It hurt him deeply. He shot off the bed and let it rip. "FUCK YOU, SCULLY!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THIS IS LIKE!! YOU AND YOUR NORMAN ROCKWELL FAMILY, A MOM AND DAD THAT LOVE YOU AND NEVER FUCKED YOU!! GODDAMMIT, SCULLY, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT, NO RIGHT!!! TO JUDGE ME! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE FOR ME!! PISS OFF, SCULLY!!"
Tears sharply stung her eyes. "You're right, Mulder. You're right. I HAVE NO IDEA. NO FUCKING IDEA. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Do you? Because it's hell, Mulder. It's hell. I never know what to expect form you. I never know what you want! It's different every time. One minute you flinch away from my touch on your arm and the next one you're pulling my hand to your dick! What the fuck do you want, Mulder? I never know. YOU NEVER TELL ME! How am I supposed to know? You never tell me what you want or how you feel. I never know what to do! And I can't ever touch you when I want to, I can't kiss you when I want, I can't make love to you, and I don't understand, Mulder. I don't understand, because you won't tell me. You won't tell me. God, Mulder. Don't you trust me? I'm getting so tired of tiptoeing around you all the time. Mulder, just talk to me. Please. I can't understand if you don't tell me this stuff. You can't expect me to just know this. God, Mulder…" she fell to the chair in tired frustration.
"Why did you do that, Mulder? Why did you do that to yourself? Why did you do that to ME? I didn't like that, Mulder. You were forcing me to do that. You wouldn't let go of my wrist. It scared me."
Mulder's anger was gone in a flash. (Oh, my God. I did it. I can't believe I could do something like that. I'm so much worse than I thought. ) "Leave me alone, Scully."
His words stung her sharply. "What?"
"Leave me alone, Scully." (I can't look at her ever again. I can't believe I did that. )
Scully retreated form his lair and lay on the sofa, crying into a pillow in hope that Mulder couldn't hear her. (I never want him to know how much power he has over me. I don't want him to hear me like this. ) Mulder got on the bed and curled on his side. (I can't live with myself. I can't live with this. I can't take this anymore. I can't. This is too much. It's not fucking fair. Oh, no, please. I don't wanna cry. I'm tired of crying. I don't—)
Scully's muffled tears stopped when she heard what was coming form the bedroom. Mulder sounded like a dying animal. (He didn't mean it, did he? Listen to him. He's hurting much more than me…that's why he was so mean. ) She wandered back down the hall and stood in the doorway. Mulder was lying with his back to the door. "Mulder, I'm not hurt anymore. I can see why you snapped at me. Please don't feel badly, Mulder."
(I don't want her here. I can't hurt her like that ever again. ) "Scu—" he choked. "Sc, Scully. Just—Please—Pl, please—go—aw-away. I can't—can't—do this—ri—right—now."
She left him alone and went back to the living room to watch some TV and distract herself. But it wasn't working. Mulder eventually grew silent, and when she went to check on him, he had fallen asleep. She closed the door quietly and went to the kitchen, picking up the phone on the way. "Mom? Hi, it's me."
"Hi, Dana. You don't sound well. Is everything okay?"
"Mom, no." Scully's eyes began to water. "Mulder and I had a huge fight."
"Oh, Dana. What happened?"
"I…well, we're just…having problems. I don't know what to do around him. He never tells me what he needs, what he doesn't want me to do…it changes constantly. Sometimes he wants me to hold him; sometimes he jerks away if I even touch his arm. Sometimes he…"
"Dana, what is it?"
"Mom, I don't know. I don't know when I can kiss him; he doesn't want me to touch him anywhere, and then tonight…all of a sudden he changes on me and wants me…well, he got real forward…I completely didn't expect it; it came out of nowhere. Then he got up all of a sudden and shot out of the room. Mom, I'm so confused. I don't know what he wants. One minute he wants one thing and the next he wants the opposite, and he expects me to just KNOW this. So, I…I just lit into him. And of course he came back at me. I tried to tell him how I felt, but when I brought up…"
"What is it?"
(Oh, God, I can't believe I'm telling my mother this. ) "I told you he got really forward. He kept getting me to touch him, and he wasn't liking it, I mean, I could...tell. And I don't know why he was doing that to himself. And to me. When I told him that, he told me to leave him alone, and I could hear him crying again. I don't understand him, Mom. He's driving me nuts."
Maggie hurt for her daughter and tried to help her. "Dana, I don't understand what he's going through. But one thing I know from my experience is that men have such a difficult time telling you anything about their feelings that they often just do whatever they need to do to keep you at a distance…even if they have to hurt you. He's afraid to tell you these things that are so personal to him, Dana, and that's why he snaps at you. He doesn't mean it in his heart. He just doesn't know how to let you know what he's feeling."
"I think he feels terrible now that I told him I didn't like him pressuring me to touch him like that. I think it really freaked him out to realise that." Scully sighed from her exhaustion. "I'm so tired, Mom. This is so hard."
"I know it is, honey. I'm sorry you have to go through this. And I worry so much about Fox, too. He's like my own son. But he's in the best possible hands."
Scully smiled. "Thanks, Mom." After a few minutes, she hung up.
(I'm so tired. I need to go to bed. ) She opened the bedroom door quietly and stood facing Mulder. "Mulder? Wake up."
"Huh?"
"Mulder, you fell asleep. Why don't you get under the covers? I need to go to sleep now."
His clouded eyes gazed back at her for a moment. "No, I'll…I'll go to my room."
Scully's jaw dropped. (He's going to choose to wake up screaming and wetting himself over sleeping with ME??)
(I don't need her. ) Mulder returned to his room. The dark made him shiver. (I don't need her. But I'm gonna wet the bed. I'm gonna have a bad nightmare…I DON'T need her. )
Scully woke up, as she had expected, to Mulder's shouts. They were worse this time. (I didn't think they could get worse. ) She hurried across the hall and switched on his bedside lamp. She reached to shake him awake, but he was thrashing around so much she couldn't get a grip on him.
"Mulder! Wake up!" She saw in his eyes that he was still in his dream world. "Mulder, it's me."
He was frozen with fear.
(What do you want me to do? Are you scared for me to touch you? Do you need me to hold you? What do I do here? ) "Mulder, what do you need me to do?"
No response.
"Mulder," she called to him again. As he came out of his trance he started to cry uncontrollably, and he held his arms out to her. Relieved to know what he needed from her, Scully got in his bed and held his head to her chest. He shook the entire bed with his sobs. "Shhh. It's all right. Shhh, Mulder. I'm here." She rocked him gently and made comforting noises.
(I'm so scared. He won't stop. It feels so bad it feels so good. It shouldn't! I can't stand it.) "I can't…Sc…I can't."
"Shhh, Mulder. Don't try to talk right now." He squeezed her so tightly she could barely breathe. (He's so scared. I wish I knew what he was dreaming. ) "It's all right. You're safe now."
When he calmed down enough to speak, he began to apologise. "Scully, I'm…I'm so sorry. For what I did to you tonight. I can't believe I did that! I did that!"
"I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm not."
(God, she doesn't understand why this bothers me. Goddammit! ) "Scully…you don't…understand."
"Then tell me, Mulder. Tell me what I don't understand." She kissed the top of his head and continued to stroke his hair.
"I can't, Scully. Not yet…I…I'm sorry."
"That's fine, Mulder. Whenever you're ready."
*^$%^#$
Tuesday was marked by tension between Mulder and Scully. Mulder wouldn't talk much in his therapy session, and didn't want to go into the office with Scully. He spent the day on the sofa and brooded well into the afternoon. (I don't want to go into the office anymore. I can't even do any REAL work. I feel like an invalid. )
The phone finally broke his concentration. "Hello."
"Mulder, it's me."
"Hi, Scully. What is it?"
"I was just…" (checking up on you. ) "…calling to see if you could find something for me."
"Sure. What?"
"Uh…I misplaced an autopsy report on the Davis case. Could you see if it's on my desk?" She didn't need the report, but thought it was a good excuse to call home.
"Yeah. Just a minute." He returned a minute later. "Yeah, here it is."
"Oh, good. I don't need it now, but I needed to make sure it was at home somewhere, 'cause I need to work on it tonight."
"Okay."
"You sound depressed."
"Yeah, well."
"Why didn't you want to come into the office today?"
"Because, Scully. I can't really do anything. I'm not allowed to work on anything official. I want to work, Scully. I hate feeling so worthless."
"Mulder, you're not worthless. Do you want to have a meeting with Skinner? He might be able to pull some strings, give you at least something minor to work on."
A cold fear enveloped him as he thought of his boss. "No."
"Why? I thought you were desperate to work."
"No…I…"
(What is he not telling me? ) "What is it? Is it Skinner?"
A silence weighed the other end of the line. (Strong, male, authority figure. That must be it. ) "Mulder, you need to talk to him."
"Can't I just call him?"
"No. I'll set up a meeting for tomorrow morning."
"Dammit, Scully," he moaned.
"I'll pick you up about six to go to Mom's."
"Okay."
Scully hung up and called up to Skinner's office to be transferred through.
"Skinner."
"Hello, sir."
"Hi, Scully.
"Sir…Mulder needs to meet with you tomorrow."
"It's about time. He hasn't spoken to me since…it happened."
"Yes, I know, sir. He…well, the meeting is about his active status. He's going crazy with boredom. He…he didn't want to meet with you, but I told him I was setting it up anyway. There's…there's something you need to know. He's very nervous around men now. I think he's particularly scared of you…because of your authority over him. I think that's why he's been avoiding you."
Skinner sighed heavily as sadness weighed down on him. He had a special place in his heart for these two agents. "I can understand that. But he needs to get over it. He reports to me. And…and I'm concerned about him."
"I know. That's why I set up the meeting anyway."
"Okay. I'll see him at nine tomorrow morning."
*&)^#^@
Maggie Scully heard the gravel crunching in the driveway and was happy to know Dana and Fox were home for dinner. She met them at the door, giving both of them tight hugs.
"Hi, Mom," Dana greeted.
"I'm so glad you two are here for dinner," she smiled.
"Thanks, Mom," Mulder replied, still feeling a little awkward about using the name for her.
All three had a nice dinner, and Mulder was enjoying having a family meal—something he couldn't remember happening very often at his house. After dinner, he stood at the sink washing dishes while Maggie and Scully cleaned the table. When she was through, Maggie went to thank Mulder for his help and, unaware of Mulder's exaggerated startle response, came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist.
She was frightened when Mulder jumped a foot in the air and dropped a dish onto the floor, breaking it into pieces.
"Sweetheart, are you okay? I'm sorry if I scared you."Breathing in quick and shallow breaths, Mulder tried to regain his composure, and the fear he had just felt faded, leaving him with a feeling of guilt. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I broke your plate. I'm sorry—"
"That's okay, dear. It's no problem. I just want to be sure you're okay."
He looked down at the mess he had made and sighed. "I'm okay. Your plate's not, though." (She's going to be hurt that I did that when she tried to hug me. )
"Fox, don't worry about the plate, okay?" Cautiously, she took his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, letting him know that she wasn't angry.
After cleaning up the plate, Mulder started signaling Scully that he was ready to leave.
$#%@@$#^%
"Where are you going to sleep tonight, Mulder?"
(She's going to hate me for this. ) "Um…in my room."
His words hurt Scully, but she told herself that he just needed some space. However, her attempt at reasoning with herself did not help, and she went to bed alone.
After tossing and turning for about an hour, Mulder began to get sleepy and fall into a half-sleep. A chill ran through him and rough hands trailed along is underwear, reaching inside and—"No!!!!"
Scully was immediately out of bed and came to Mulder's side.
(Oh, God help. Make him stop. )
"Mulder?" She touched his head cautiously and watched the tears come. "It's all right."
"I wet the bed again, Scully."
"That's okay; no big deal."
"Yes, it IS. Quit pretending it's not. Quit patronising me!"
Startled at his angry words, Scully pulled away from him. "Mulder, that's not what I'm doing. I'm just…I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. What do you want me to do, Mulder?"
He let out a shaky breath as he tried desperately to put into words what he wanted. "I don't know, Scully. I just don't know." Looking up again, he got out of bed and began to change his sheets. Scully went back to bed and Mulder pulled the comforter off of the bed and went to the couch to watch TV for the rest of the night.
Mulder arrived early into the office with Scully, and was getting under her skin with his nervous fidgeting by eight o'clock.
"Mulder, would you stop that?"
"What?" he asked, feigning innocence as he continued to tap his pencil on the desk.
"That. Stop all that fidgeting…you're driving me nuts."
Mulder got up from his desk and began to sort through files until close to an hour had passed. "I'm going up to Skinner's office now," he announced.
"Okay, see you later."
He grabbed his crutches and made his way to the AD's office, informing the secretary that he was here to see Skinner.
"Oh, he told me to send you in whenever you got here," the woman told him.
Tentatively, Mulder knocked on the door and opened it when Skinner answered.
"Long time, no see, Agent Mulder," he sighed.
As he eased himself into the chair, Mulder eyed his boss suspiciously.
"Agent Scully says you want to return to active status right now." He noted Mulder's defensive air and tried to tone down his usually authoritative voice.
"Yeah," Mulder answered, averting his eyes. His fingers grasped the arm of the chair tightly, and his heart began racing. (Goddammit. He's your boss. You have to deal with him. Don't be such a baby. You're scared of everything. ) He kept talking, trying to get out of the office as quickly as possible. "I'm going crazy with boredom. I can't do any real work. I live for my work; you know that. I NEED to work."
The AD remembered Mulder's manipulative nature and thought carefully about what he should say. "Agent Mulder, you are on medical leave. You can't work on any 'real' work right now. You need some time off. I couldn't send you back to work with a clear conscience. Not right now. Not considering the shape you're in."
Mulder's fear swung quickly to anger. "What SHAPE? What do YOU know?" (Stop, Mulder. You're going to get yourself into big trouble again. ) Throwing rationality out the window, he continued. "You don't know anything about how I'm doing. YOU'RE NOT ME. I can handle this JUST FINE. And I don't need YOU or ANYONE ELSE telling me what I'm able to do."
"Agent Mulder," Skinner interrupted, "I'm not doing this to punish you. I'm concerned about you. Scully has told me—"
"Excuse me? What was that? Scully told you WHAT?" Sighing with frustration, he continued. "She told me how vulnerable you are right now, how sensitive you are, and I just don't think it's appropriate for me to send you back to work when you're in such a delicate emotional balance."
Mulder felt all his muscles tighten and his ears burn with fury. "Oh, so you think I'm nuts. DAMN YOU. Well, just see how great YOU feel when some bastard—" His fear cut off his throat and he sank back down into his chair.
"When some bastard what?" Skinner asked in a quieter voice.
Trying to push down the pain that was suddenly rising in his chest, he got up to leave, but Skinner stopped him. "No, stay there, Mulder. What were you going to say?"
"Nothing, sir. I just need to leave right now," he whispered wearily.
Skinner felt a strong feeling of sadness take over, and he took a deep breath. "Okay. Okay, Mulder. You can go. But I think you just handed me evidence on a silver platter that you're not ready to come back to work. I'm not doing this—Mulder, look at me."
Reluctantly, Mulder raised his eyes to meet Skinner's.
"I'm not doing this to punish you. I'm doing it because I care about you, and your safety, and Scully's safety."
"Okay," Mulder mumbled as he went to the door, head hung in dejection.
(&*%&^(&*
Scully took Mulder home after lunch and Mulder sat watching television for the rest of the afternoon. He simply stared through it, not seeing the images before his eyes, but rather the memories and the guilt that plagued his mind constantly ever since…"It" happened.
(I can't take this anymore. I can't. I can't live like this. I can't be expected to live like this. Oh, God, this is hell. I don't want to live anymore. It's just too much. ) He was beyond tears. He got up, went to his bedroom and looked into his duffel bag. (There it is. ) The gun weighed heavily in his hand and he checked the clip to make sure it was loaded. After a few contemplative moments, he returned the gun to its resting-place and sat on the bed, feeling slightly relieved. (I know it's there. Just in case I need it. Just in case. )
Continued in "Ambivalence IV"—I promise it won't take as long this time!
Don't make me beg…please send comments to:
tyger1013@yahoo.com. Thanks for reading and being patient—I know it took forever for me to get this part out :P