His eyes blinked slowly, revealing a blurry and unfamiliar world. His head was spinning, he felt nauseous. He tried to roll over on his side, but the sharp pains kept him still. A tortured moan escaped his lips.
(Dark. Wet. Cold. )
He noticed he was lying on a bed, noticed he didn't have any clothes on. An offending but strangely familiar smell caught his attention.
(Oh, God. I did it again. No. Dad is going to be so mad. I'm sorryI'msorryI'msorry. I'm a big boy. I can't be doing this when I'm so old. I'm 8. I'm too old for this. I'm so sorry. )
"So you're up?"
A light switched on and he looked up to a vaguely familiar face. (Wait. Huh? Where am I? Wait. I know him. Krycek. That's his name. No, I'm 37. I'm not 8. What's going on? )
"Look what we have here," Krycek sneered tauntingly. "Little Foxy wets his bed?"
@@@@@@@@@@@@NC-17 SCENE (1 OF 2)@@@@@@@@@@He was so ashamed. Frightened, he curled up on his side. (Fuck the pain. I'mscaredI'mscared) Although he tried desperately to shut himself up, he heard himself whimper helplessly. He felt cold metal against his temple. "Turn over on your back. Now."
Mulder did as he was told. As he closed his eyes, he felt a rough hand slide up the inside of his thigh. He quickly jerked away from the touch, but heard the gun cock.
"Uh, uh, uh....don't move."
Helplessly, he remained where he was, feeling Krycek's hand slide teasingly to his exposed penis, softly rubbing him into submission. (No. No. Please don't. Please, please don't. Dad, please. Please stop.)
"Stop it, Fox. Don't move!"
(OKOK I'll do as I'm told. I always do as I'm told. I'm a good boy. I am. I am. I'm not a bad boy, Dad. )
The hand was rubbing him harder, and he couldn't control his body. (No. Please. How can I do that? I'msobadI'msobadI'msuchabadboy) The dry roughness changed to a slimy, frightening warmth. (Oh, God, no. This is the worst part. Mom, where are you? How come you never come? How come you're never here? You're never there. When this is over I'll have to lie all alone in my wet and smelly bed all night. Mom. Please save me. )
(I won't cry. I won't. I can't let him make me cry. Then it will get worse. )
Everything went black. Peaceful oblivion. Gone.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@END OF NC-17 (1 of 2)@@@@@@@@@@@When he awoke again he was alone. His eyes darted frantically around the room, searching for some confirmation that no one was waiting there to hurt him again.
(Dad's asleep now. No. Krycek. That's who did this. Krycek. ) As the images started to come back to him, he began to remember and string together the disconnected events that brought him from peacefully lounging in his office earlier to this pitiful, bruised and huddled mess in a dark room of a deserted building.
He had just finished up a case with Scully and was on his way home from the Bureau. His stomach was growling, and he was looking forward to ordering a nice, hot pizza, and, lost in this image, was not properly paying attention as he exited his car to enter his apartment building. A heavy blow struck his head and the pizza faded into blackness.
The next thing he knew, Krycek was dragging him out of the car towards an old building. Where, he had no idea. Struggling to get all of his senses back, he shook his head. He heard a sickening cracking sound as Krycek dragged him along the pavement. Just a sound. He could only hear and see right now. He crumbled to the ground and when he hit, he very ungratefully noticed all of his senses returning. Particularly, his sense of pain. Quickly, he defined the earlier snapping sound....that would be his ankle breaking.
@@@@@@@@@NC-17 SCENE (2 OF 2)--YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!@@@@@@He was startled from his thoughts as the door swung open, a harsh light entering the dark room. He could only see a shadow of a figure in the doorway. "Samantha!" The alien hovered in the doorway as he watched his little sister being taken from him.
He was quickly brought back to reality as Krycek slapped him hard in the face. Confused, he began trembling.
"Well, hello again. Did you miss me?"
Mulder stared at him with frightened eyes. He felt Krycek's hand on his stomach. His shaking increased and he found himself unable to breathe.
(No. No. Please. Not again. ) "No!" he squealed.
Krycek's evil grin widened. "What was that? Funny, I don't remember asking your permission."
"Turn over," Krycek ordered.
"What?"
"I said turn over. Now."
Holding his breath, Mulder turned over on his stomach.
"That's better. Anyone ever done this to you before? Or do I get the pleasure introducing you?"
He couldn't answer. (Oh, God. Please. I'm so scared. Just let me pass out. Please. ) He was brought out of the protective place in his mind by Krycek's hand slapping his head.
"Aren't you going to answer me? Answer me!"
"No, I haven't--What--"
"Shut up, Fox. I'm gonna show you something new."
(No. Please stop. Don't--) He froze. Krycek was inserting his finger into him. (No. I thought it was bad enough being touched. This is worse. Oh, God, this is so much worse. ) Mulder shivered with the creepy feeling that ran through his body from being penetrated against his will.
Krycek continued his slow torment. "Anyone ever stroked your prostate before, Fox?"
No answer again.
"Why don't you ever answer me? Answer."
"No."
"Really? It's unbelievable. It makes a blow job seem trite." At that, he slowly rubbed the sensitive spot.
Mulder jumped and struggled, but Krycek held him down, reminded him of his gun. Helplessly, Mulder quit struggling, and as he did, he couldn't ignore the incredible feeling burning inside him. (No, please. I can't let this feel good. This is so wrong. I hate this; I hate it. I feel so violated. But, God, nothing has ever felt this good. Pleeeaaase stop.)
Krycek smiled with victory as the stifled moan of pleasure escaped his captive's lips. He continued his ministrations until he felt Mulder contract strongly around his finger and heard him crying from equally intense pleasure, anger, humiliation, and shame. With that, he stood up and kicked Mulder's broken ankle on his way out. Mulder had never been more thankful for anything in his life than he was for that assault on his ankle, for it carried him away to the inviting blackness again.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@END OF NC-17 scene (2 of 2)@@@@@@@@@@@@@"Mulder?" Someone was shaking him. "Mulder? Can you hear me?"
His eyes opened, and he saw Scully looking down at him, worried.
A small sound came from his lips. He was cold. He remembered he was naked and remembered Krycek's taunting him and touching him. He screamed.
Scully's calming hand was quickly on his forehead. "Calm down, Mulder. It's okay. We're gonna get you out of here." A man came by and handed Scully a blanket, and she carefully draped it over his bruised body.
"Scully."
"Don't talk, Mulder." She pulled the blanket underneath his chin. With tears in her eyes, she held his hand and waited for the paramedics to come.
(Help.)
Black.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Screaming. Shrieking. Sobbing.
(What? Where am I? ) Scully's head jerked up and she saw her partner thrashing in his hospital bed, still asleep. She touched his forearm gently, spoke quietly. "Mulder...wake up."
His head shot up off the pillow and he sat straight up in bed. Quickly reminded by the pain, he fell back with a moan. He couldn't stop crying. He was wet. (Oh, no. Not again. I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't mean it. I know I'm too old--)
"Mulder?" A soothing voice. (Mom? What are you doing here? You never--) He looked around. Red hair. Soft hands. Gentle eyes. Scully.
She noticed his recognition and laid a head gently on the top of his head. "Shh. It's okay. Just a nightmare." His tears had turned silent; his screams quieted.
"Oh, Scully. I'm so sorry."
"For what?" she asked quietly.
He turned ashamedly red, thankful for the darkness. "I...I wet the bed, Scully." He braced himself for the wrath he was used to. Instead, he felt a soft kiss on his forehead, and a kind, soothing voice.
"It's okay, sweetheart, it's okay. It happens. Let's get you cleaned up. I'll get the nurse."
"No, Scully! Please, no. I'm so embarrassed. Don't call her in here. Please."
"Okay. I'll just go get a fresh bed for you. Will you be okay?" She felt him trembling underneath her hands.
He sniffed. "Yeah. Thanks."
Scully opened the door, shut it behind her. "Nurse? Mulder needs a new bed."
"A new bed?"
"Uh, yeah....He had kind of an....accident." she hinted.
"Oh...okay." The nurse returned shortly, pushing a fresh bed in front of her. She stripped the sheets off and added a rubber sheet to the mattress, remade the bed.
(He's not gonna like this.) She opened the door carefully. "Mulder, can I turn on a light?"
"Uh...yeah, I guess."
She flipped the switch and took in his appearance. He was bright red, trembling, wet with sweat, and soaked with his own urine. She held back tears and rolled in his new bed. "Okay. Here's your new bed. Now before you get in I need to clean you up...Is that okay?"
He looked away, didn't answer.
"Mulder?"
He swallowed hard. "Okay."
She walked to the bathroom, got some liquid soap and a washrag. She filled a container with water and grabbed a towel. As she approached his bed, she paused. "You okay? Ready?"
He squeezed his eyes shut. "Yeah."
She carefully pulled the sheet down, raised his bed up. "Okay. I'm gonna take your gown off. Okay?"
He began to tremble again, nodded reluctantly. Gently, she untied the bow around his neck and slid the gown off, leaving it to cover him at his waist. She quickly cleaned him, trying to get the ordeal over for him as soon as possible. "Alright. I need to finish now." She paused, waiting for his response. Seeing him nod his head, she gently pulled his gown off and sighed heavily before attending to the rest of him. As the rag touched him he began to shake violently, trying desperately to hold back tears.
"It's okay," she soothed. "I'll be really fast." She quickly finished his front and covered him with a fresh towel, smoothed his wet hair back. "Worst part's over," she smiled. "Now, I need your help. You need to roll over onto this other bed." She brought the bed over and he rolled onto it. "Okay. Can you roll on your side for me? I'll be through in a flash, I promise."
A tear finally escaped from his eye. He rolled over. She tried to hurry as fast as she could, feeling him shaking fearfully as she finished up. She pulled him back onto his back, pulled the sheet over him. Reached behind her to the table and unfolded a fresh gown. She clothed him again, and seeing his grateful expression, kissed his cheek.
"You were so brave." she whispered into his ear.
"Thanks, Scully," he muttered.
She sat protectively at his bedside, remembering what had happened that day. Mulder hadn't shown up for work, and she found a note on her desk. Just an address. She drove quickly to the old abandoned building and found Mulder's broken body waiting for her. Unconscious. He must have been picked up after work, and the abductor was long gone by the time she got there. When they arrived at the hospital, he had gone through the usual tests, but only a broken ankle and a few bruised ribs were found. But the state she found him in clued her in that something much worse had happened to her partner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The next morning, Mulder's doctor believed it was okay for him to leave, but Scully felt uneasy about having him stay alone at his apartment. He had woken up three times with night terrors, wetting his bed each time, and she wanted him to stay with her until that improved. She returned to Mulder's room, finding him happily signing his discharge papers. "Mulder, would you please come home with me for a few days?"
He whined. "Scully, I can take care of myself. It's just a broken an--"
"Please. It would make me feel better."
He sighed with resignation. "Okay."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The ride home was silent and uncomfortable. When they arrived at her apartment, Scully helped him in and went to make the guest bed for Mulder. She looked in the linen closet and found some "special" sheets she used to use when her godson came to stay with her. She knew Mulder would be embarrassed, and hoped he wouldn't feel to ashamed about the things.
She returned to the living room and found Mulder where she had left him, on the couch, foot propped up on a pillow, remote in hand. She had picked up some movies for him on the way home. "Which movie do you want to watch first?" she asked with a smile.
He looked up from the TV, thought a few moments. "'House of Wax'", he suggested with a contented smile.
"Okay. I'll pop it in and start some popcorn."
The day went by quietly and eventually Mulder fell asleep on the couch. "Mulder?" she shook his arm gently.
Slowly, his eyes opened. "Huh?"
"Time to go to bed."
"Oh...Yeah. Okay."
She helped him to the guestroom, pulled the covers back and sat him on the bed. She noticed his frown as he felt the kiddie sheets. But he kept silent and rolled into bed. Scully smiled as she watched him curl into the fetal position. "Goodnight," she whispered, turning off the lamp. "I'll be right across the hall if you need anything."
"Okay."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Deafening, shrill, animal wails. Screaming. Sobbing.
Scully jumped out of bed and rushed to her partner's side. He was moaning and mumbling, "Dad, please. Please, Dad! Don't touch me there. Please! I didn't mean to wet the bed. I know I'm too old. I'm sorry! Please stop! Ple--"
Scully shook him gently. As she was accustomed to, his head shot up off the pillow.
He smelled the familiar smell, felt the familiar wetness. He cried.
"Shh," Scully soothed, rubbing his back softly. "You're okay. You're safe."
He fell into her arms and she spoke to him softly. Her touch and her voice calmed him. He breathed easier, his sobs turning into quiet sniffling.
After the routine clean up, Scully climbed into bed with her trembling partner and held him close as his breath returned to its even, sleeping rhythm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Mulder, I have to go to Maine today. Skinner needs me there to interview some suspects. I want you to stay with my mom while I'm gone."
He turned red. "No, Scully--I...I don't want her to---I'm still wetting the bed, Scully, I--"
She put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "She'll handle it as discreetly as I do, Mulder. I promise. She's raised four children...she can deal with it."
Mulder fearfully remembered his own mother. (But Mrs. Scully's not like that. She's caring and I feel safe with her. ) "Okay, " he conceded.
Scully hadn't expected such an easy time with this. She smiled and got them both ready for the ride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Maggie happily greeted her daughter and the man she considered her adopted son with warm hugs. "Hi, Dana, Fox. I'm so glad you're staying here, Fox. I'll take good care of you." Mulder smiled, both embarrassed and a little frightened by her last comment, but also feeling himself breathe a sigh of relief. "Come on in the kitchen, I fixed some nice hot soup."
They sat down to lunch, and Mulder smiled as the steam from homemade vegetable soup warmed his chilled face. When she had finished her soup, Scully asked if her mother would help her to the bedroom with Mulder's things.
"Sure, Dana honey." As she got up, she patted Mulder's hand and followed Dana to take the bags to the bedroom. Scully spoke softly to her mother, not wanting Mulder to hear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Mulder sat looking at his empty bowl of soup, embarrassed.
(Scully's telling her now how I wake up screaming and wet my bed like a toddler. God, I feel so stupid. )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Mom, I need to explain something to you about Mulder...Uh, he wakes up screaming from night terrors. Something terrible was done to him while he was abducted, and it seems to be bringing back a lot of childhood memories...I need to warn you, he wakes up screaming and crying, begging his dad to stop touching him." She studied the floor, tears of helplessness in her eyes.
Maggie took in a sharp breath. "Oh, God. Poor dear..."
"Mom, he wets his bed. He mumbles about being sorry and begs his dad not to hurt him for it...it's so hard...and he shakes violently with terror when you clean him up, but he'll let you."
Maggie was silent, tears falling steadily from her eyes. "Oh, Dana" She reached out to hug her daughter, feeling terribly concerned for her "son's" pain. "I'll get Charlie's old sheets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~He heard the dreaded footsteps returning downstairs, averted his eyes when Mrs. Scully came in the room.
"You all finished, Fox?" He was grateful for her silence and looked up at her. Her eyes were red and puffy.
He lowered his head in shame. "I'm so sorry, Mrs. Scully. I'm so--"
She touched his arm carefully, pulled his chin up to look into his eyes. "Honey, there's nothing to be sorry about. I love you, you know?"
His lip began to quiver. He bit down on it.
"You can call me 'mom' if you want to, Fox."
He choked and the sobs came despite his attempt to hide his feelings. Maggie pulled his head to her and stroked his hair.
Scully decided it was time for her to leave. "Mulder, I'm gonna go, okay? Mom has my cell number, and she'll call if you two need anything. Okay?"
He nodded his buried head and clung tightly to Maggie. She held him protectively, murmuring comforting words.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~They stayed up late watching movies, and finally Maggie saw his eyes drooping and spoke up. "Fox, you're falling asleep. Let's get you into bed."
His expression changed dramatically, and he stuck out a pouty lip. "No. I don'wanna go to bed."
Memories of her boys at three made her smile. "Fox, come on," she chuckled. After much convincing she helped him to the bedroom and got him ready for bed. She tucked him in and noticed his face was still different, younger. She saw the childlike fear in his eyes. He trembled under the covers. She sensed that he had moved to little boy mode, and she spoke accordingly. "Fox" she whispered, running her fingers through his soft hair. "It's okay, sweetheart. I'll be right next door, okay? If you have any bad dreams, I'll be right here in a second." She noticed his lip quivering again. "No one is going to hurt you. I promise. And I promise I won't get mad if you have an accident. I promise, sweetie, it's okay." He began to relax, and she kissed his forehead. "Goodnight, Fox." She turned off the bedside lamp and plugged in an old nightlight for him "Is it too dark?"
"It's okay," a shaky voice answered.
"I'll be right next door. Sweet dreams."
"Goodnight...Mom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ear piercing shrieks. Choking sobs.
Maggie rushed into Fox's room, sat on his bed. "Fox? Wake up honey." He jumped awake, still screaming through hot tears.
Maggie touched his arm. "It was a bad dream, Fox. You're okay now."
Mulder whimpered and fell into her arms, sobbing with terror.
"Shh. It's okay. Momma's here...I'll protect you." She rocked him slowly and caressed his cheek, held his head to her breast. He continued to cry.
"I'm so scared. I'm so scared. He won't leave me alone. I'm so bad."
"Fox, no you're not. No you're not. You're a good boy. A wonderful boy."
He jerked up. "Oh, I wet the bed again. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm--"
Maggie stopped him. "Fox, it's okay. It's okay, dear. We'll clean you up. Nothing to be ashamed of, sweetheart."
He leaned into her comforting arms, let her rock him, the rhythm soothing away his tears.
"Shh....Momma's here...I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. No more. I love you, honey." Tears continued to fall from her eyes as she comforted the frightened 6-foot little boy huddled in her lap.
Maggie had returned to her bedroom and Mulder tossed restlessly in his bed. He couldn't stop thinking about the things his father had done to him, and the confusion was keeping him awake. (How could he do something like that to me? I was just a little boy. God, I was so helpless. I hate him. How can I hate my own father? That's unspeakable. Unforgivable. No, it couldn't have been his fault, 'cause it was mine. I just haven't wanted to admit it to myself. I'm such a coward. It's my fault because I liked it. I hated it. But I came sometimes, and that felt good. But it felt horrible, too. But it didn't, kind of. I guess I liked it. No I didn't! But I think I did or I wouldn't have let myself do that. I think I secretly liked it. God, that's so awful! It's all my fault. No it isn't! No, it isn't! It is, and I know it.)
It came fast...too fast, and because of his ankle he couldn't jump out of bed quickly enough. He sat up and retched into his lap. (Oh, God. I'm such a fucking wimp. Oh, no, dammit! How am I gonna clean this up before--)
"Fox? What's wrong?" Maggie rushed in his room and flipped on the light. She saw Mulder slumping forward, a long string of bile dangling from his lip and landing in the pile of vomit in his lap.
As she approached, Mulder felt a wave of anger and defensiveness come over him. By the time she got to his side, he was screaming at her. "I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!" Maggie stood stunned by his radical switch in behaviour. A couple of hours ago he was curled in her lap crying like a baby. Now he was crimson with rage, screaming at her at the top of his lungs to leave him alone. He looked so helpless. He was sitting with a lapful of vomit, unable to get up from it due to his broken ankle, a long string still hanging pitifully from his lip as he yelled his assertion that he was all right and didn't need anyone's help.
Maggie waited patiently for him to wear himself out. She tried to ignore the insults he threw at her, for she knew he didn't mean them; but they still hurt. When he had exhausted himself, he fell back heavily on his pillow and cried from the helplessness and futility that he felt. Maggie approached slowly. "Can I just bring you a new blanket?"
(Goddammit! I don't need any fucking help! But I'm so tired. And my ankle hurts so bad. I don't feel like I can even move. But I can't ask for help. I should do these things for myself. I'm so much trouble--)
She decided not to waste her chance while Mulder was silent, and she pulled the heavy comforter off of him and hurried to the washroom hoping to avoid his inevitable explosion at her attempt. But there was nothing. (I guess he just wore himself out...Thank God!) She looked underneath the puddle as she scurried down the hallway and noted thankfully that the comforter had been thick enough to keep the mess from seeping all the way through. She uttered a prayer of thanks that she would not have to deal with an additional tantrum about cleaning him up.
When she returned, Maggie found Mulder still lying exhausted and sweaty on the bed. She sighed with audible relief. She went to the linen closet and got a new comforter and then to the bathroom to retrieve a wet rag. Lying the comforter at the end of the bed for him to use when he wasn't dripping with angry heat, she wiped his face with the washrag.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you."
"I know. I know you didn't really mean to hurt me. Just go back to sleep." She left him the rag, turned off the light and returned to bed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Scully." she answered.
"Hi, Dana. It's Mom."
"Hi, Mom...is something wrong? It's 6 AM."
"Well, I wanted to reach you before your day got busy."
"Yeah?"
"Well, Fox had a bit of an....outburst last night."
"Outburst?"
"Well, he had thrown up on himself, but when I tried to help him, he started yelling and demanding that I leave him alone, that he could do it himself."
Scully sighed. "He's acting so out of character...first the crying and now he's raging. He's usually so subtle about these things."
"Well, Dana, what happened to him would put ANYONE quite out of character, I think."
"Yeah, it would. I think it was kind of a last straw for him. He's taken everything that has happened to him with such restraint...that's just too much to pile on a person without some sort of a break...Mom, I guess we're just going to have to deal with his mood swings and outbursts for a while...and he's gonna hit the roof when he hears what Skinner has to say to him...He has mandatory counseling...THAT'S going to be a challenge to force him into."
"Is there anything I should do to calm him down when he gets that angry? I mean, should I just leave him alone, or...what? He's still in so much pain because he won't take his pain killers, and that makes it so hard for him to do everything himself, but he gets so stubborn."
Scully smiled. Mulder was so annoying in his stubbornness, but it was just part of him, and she loved him for just being Mulder. "Mom, do whatever seems right at the time...And he's going to say a lot of things he doesn't mean."
"Yes, I know...I was witness to that last night," she chuckled. "Okay, Dana, well I'll call if I have any more problems."
"Thanks, Mom."
"Bye, dear."
"Bye, Mom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~He awoke slowly and became aware of the dim light streaming from the window. At first, he had to remind himself where he was, but with the remembrance of place came the remembrance of why he was there. And the return of fear. With the fear came the rest of his senses, all in a rush. "Shit...SHIT! GODDAMMIT!" the words came out, and then he remembered that he wanted to keep quiet, to avoid Maggie hearing him and coming in to help him. (I have to do this myself. ) He sat up but was quickly returned to his pillow by his throbbing head. (Maybe if I just take it more slowly, the throbbing will go away. ) He rested a minute or so and tried again, this time much more slowly. (Oh, God, it hurts so bad. ) He was defeated again.
(Okay. I can handle this. I can lie here in this till I feel better. I did it then, and I can do it now. I'll practice moving my leg first. Okay, here goes.) The pain shot through his leg with the movement, and he cursed under his breath. (I HAVE TO DO THIS MYSELF. Maybe if I took one of those pain pills, after a while I could do this. Dammit, they're in the bathroom since I refused to take them. Urrgh! I'm gonna have to call her to get them. I'll do that much, I guess. But I'm not gonna let her change these sheets. Okay. I can do this. )
"Mrs. Scully?" he called, but tried not to yell too loudly, lest he sound desperate. And God knows he wouldn't admit that right now.
('Mrs. Scully.' Not 'Mom.' Okay, I can tell which mode he's in.) Knowing her role now, Maggie went to his room and stood in the doorway.
"Could you...get me my pain pills, please?"
"Pain pills? You? I'm surprised, Fox," she smiled. She went to retrieve them from the bathroom and returned with the bottle and one pill in her hand with a glass of water. When she arrived at his bedside she noticed what she didn't before. "Here you go." She handed him the pill and the glass and set the rest of the pills on the bedside table, in the highly improbable event that he might decide to take one later. "Fox, I need to change--"
"No." He said through clenched teeth. "I'll do it later when I feel better."
"You're going to lie in this for--"
"I can do it," he grumbled.
"Okay. Call me if you need anything else." She smiled, trying to help him feel less embarrassed, and then left him alone.
He lay waiting for the pain pill to take effect. His thoughts began to swirl around in his head again. (Krycek, that bastard. How could he do this to me? He's such a little shit. He killed my father. I hate him for that. But is that really what I hate him for? I think I hate him because I feel...betrayed. Betrayed? Why would I feel that? You have to trust someone before you feel betrayed by them. When did I ever trust him??) He felt himself flush with shame. (He killed my father. He saved me, in some perversely distorted way. I don't have to deal with being around my father anymore. I don't have to cower in his presence...he was the only man that inspired fear in me...Krycek took him away for me. But I--")
The phone ringing broke off his thoughts. Moments later, Maggie's footsteps were echoing down the hall towards his room. "Fox, Dana's on the phone for you." She handed him the cordless.
"Thanks." He took the phone as Maggie returned to the living room. "Hi."
"Hi, Mulder."
"What's up? When are you coming home?"
"Tonight. Things are going well and I can come home early. Listen, Skinner called me yesterday."
"Yeah."
"You have mandatory counseling." She cringed, waiting for the tirade.
"Goddammit, I don't need counseling! This isn't fair. I'm sick of everyone treating me like I'm some freak! Fuck him. I'm not going Scully. They can kiss my ass! I'm--"
"Mulder, calm down, will you? You know there's no way you can get out of this. Your first appointment is tomorrow. Your ankle should be okay by then." She paused a moment, attempting to change the subject. "Mom told me you took a pain pill. I'm impressed, Mulder."
The feeble attempt at lightening the air cooled his flames a bit. (She always knows what to say.) "Okay, well, Scully, my head and ankle hurt like hell, so I gotta go."
"All right, Mulder. See you tonight."
"See ya. Bye." He hung up and set the phone back on the nightstand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Later, Maggie heard noises coming from Mulder's room. She knew he was feeling better and attempting to clean up everything. Several moments later he emerged from the hall covered in the sheets. She couldn't even see his face. It was a comical sight, but it was the only way he could carry them because he had to use his arms for the crutches. She giggled.
"Where's the washing machine?" a moving sheet asked her.
"Off of the kitchen...do you--" She stopped herself and returned her gaze to the TV, trying to act like there was nothing more amusing for her to watch.
He was struggling getting to the washroom because the sheets hanging off of him made it easy to get tangled and slip.
After the ordeal with the washing machine, he attempted his first solo bath. Aside from one bump to the head and several near-disasters, he was successful and emerged triumphantly from the bathroom. He decided to join Mrs. Scully in the living room.
"Well, congratulations, Fox," she complimented.
He smiled sheepishly. "Thanks, Mom."
"Do you want a late breakfast?"
"I'm not really hungry."
She had expected that answer and ignored it. "You just sit here on the sofa and I'll make you something really quick."
He gratefully fell into the sofa, exhausted from his adventure and feeling significantly fuzzy from the pain pill. He liked the fuzziness. It slowed down his thoughts and made the tortuous thinking go away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"I'm home," Scully called as she entered the quiet house. She found Mulder in the typical Mulder position--on the couch attached to the remote control. "Hi, Scully."
"Well, you look better."
"Thanks."
"What's for dinner?"
"I don't know. Ask Mom."
Scully disappeared into the kitchen. "Hi, Mom."
"Hi, Dana."
"How has he been today?"
"Pretty good. He had to take a pain pill this morning, but since then he's been doing okay. His ankle doesn't seem to hurt him very much anymore."
"Oh, good." She smiled with relief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Scully awoke to the now familiar screams coming down the hallway. She jumped out of bed and ran to Mulder's room. "Mulder?"
He didn't answer, so she went to wake him. When she shook him awake his eyes jerked open with terror, and seeing Scully, he jumped to the corner of the bed where it met the wall and curled up in a ball, shaking with fear. Scully sat on the wet bed and carefully touched his knee, and he cowered further into his protective corner.
"Please. Please don't touch me anymore. Please leave me alone," he cried.
"Mulder, it's me. It's me, Scully."
With terrified eyes, he peered cautiously from where his head was buried in his knees. She could see his teary eyes glisten in the pale light through clumps of wet and tangled hair.
"It's me, honey. Scully. I won't hurt you, sweetheart." She made no more moves toward him. "You had a bad dream. It was just a dream. You're safe now."
After a few more moments of suspicious and searing looks, he was satisfied that he was safe here and leaned cautiously into Scully's arms. She held him close to her and caressed him with comforting hands. "It's okay. Shh...I'm here, sweetheart." He trembled and whimpered his fear to her.
"I know. I know."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"So what's the shrink's name?" Mulder asked Scully on their drive to DC. "Dr. Sawyer. She's a rape counselor."
"A what?!"
"A rape counselor, Mulder. Do you have a problem with that?" She glanced at him and noticed his breathing start to race.
"God damn, Scully. It's not like--"
"Not like you were raped? Not like your father molested you all the time when you were a boy? Tell me that when you wake up screaming and cry in my arms, lying in your own urine. When I listen to you beg your father to--" She stopped. (Oh, God. How did that come out of my mouth?) She nervously took another look at him and saw him hyperventilating. She quickly pulled the car over. "Oh, Mulder, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. I don't know why I said that." She reached behind her and grabbed the grocery bag form the back seat, scattering a few small items onto the floorboard, and held the bag to his mouth. "Slow down, Mulder," she encouraged in a comforting voice. "Just slow down. I'm so sorry. That was so thoughtless of me. I'm sorry." His chest began to rise more slowly, and as his breathing returned to normal, the tears began to fall. She let go of the sack and held his hand. She sat with him a few minutes and then kissed his cheek. "Okay, Mulder. We've gotta get back on the road here. We're going to be late."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Mr. Mulder? Dr. Sawyer's ready for you." He stood up with his crutches and paused.
"What is it?" He stared at the floor. "Scully, will you come with me?"
"Sure, Mulder."
They walked together down the hall to the doctor's office. Mulder stood at the door. "Well, knock, Mulder." He knocked tentatively on the door.
"Come in."
He opened the door and they came in.
"Hi, Mr. Mulder. Are you Dr. Scully?"
"Yes. Mulder asked me to come with him. Is that okay?"
"Sure it is. Sit down wherever you'd like."
Mulder scanned the office and chose a seat in the corner. Scully sat in the chair next to him and Dr. Sawyer pulled a chair up across from them.
"Your partner says you like to be called 'Mulder'."
He didn't look at the woman. "Yes," he whispered shyly.
"How do you feel about being here?"
"I don't want to be here."
"Why is that?"
"I don't need it."
"You don't?"
"No." His sneakered left foot began to fidget and he studied it intently.
"Why not?"
"I don't need any help."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"It sounds to me like you do from what Dr. Scully was telling me yesterday."
"Well, she's wrong."
"Why?"
He was getting annoyed. (Dammit, stop asking me all these stupid questions.) "Cause she doesn't know. I can handle this fine on my own."
"Are you handling it fine right now?"
"Yeah."
"It doesn't sound like it to me."
He remained silent, rubbing his sneaker nervously into the carpet.
"Dr. Scully tells me you wake up screaming and that you're wetting your bed at night."
His head shot up and Dr. Sawyer was met with wild and furious eyes. "Fuck__You." he growled between clenched teeth. He grabbed his crutches, but in his angry fit ended up knocking them to the floor. "Goddammit!" He leaned over to snatch up the crutches and hobbled clumsily out of the office.
CONTINUED in "Ambivalence II", coming later...
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