UNDERSTANDING- falling in love
“Suspended,” the words keep reverberating through Kerry Weaver’s mind; she could hardly believe it. One moment she was hard at work, the next out of work. Thoughts coursed through her mind. On one hand she could understand his actions, on another hand?
“Suspended” the word called up connotations of horrible bosses and bad working conditions, like you see on the PBS specials about the poor unfortunates who worked in factories back in the early 1880’s.
She wasn't as worried about the money; she had never worked for money. Job satisfaction, the ability to do a good job and the hard work and to help others was what had attracted her to the E.R. Briefly John Carter's handsome face entered her mind; she quickly brushed it aside as she did every time it happened. “Don't think about him, you have enough to worry about right now,” she tried to tell herself.
As she entered her apartment, Kerry kept trying to keep the “Why?” thoughts out that were still swirling around inside her head. After her recent brush in with Romano, she decided she would have to do something creative, something that would enable her to keep the thoughts out of her head and onto something more positive. She knew from past experience that sometimes you could stress over something and still not be able to see the other side till you had calmed down.
Taking off her coat, she decided that she would finally finish that painting of the lake she had been working on for so long. She went down stairs and entered the room that John used to rent. “Funny”, she thought, other people had rented this very same room since John, but… This room she always thought of as his. She grabbed her paints, which had been stored in the closet. Still musing over the suspension and trying not to think about John.
“Enough”, she said out loud. This isn't helping anyone. She promised herself as she got out her paints, and decided to setup her art studio into John's room. “Later, I’ll think through this, I’ll either look for another job, or look into getting Romano chased out of the E.R.,” she muttered to herself.
She painted on and off for a few days. Still trying not to deal with her situation too much. Still in too much emotional pain to think clearly.
****** One week later*******
Kerry had spent several days moping around the house, she had decided early on in the day to get busy and get that painting finished, or at least a good attempt at finishing it. She had been painting for several hours, when the doorbell startled her, making her almost blotch the over the clear blue sky she had just finished painted. Sighing to herself, she grabbed her crutch from where she had placed it, next to her stool, and limped to the door, just as it rang the second time. “Just a minute.” she yelled. To her surprise there stood John. In shock she just stood there for a few moments. “John!”
“John, are you ok!”
**********-------------*********
John had, had an utterly miserable day. Rain. Everywhere he looked was rain. Rain outside! Miserable not quite winter/but it thinks its spring outside rain. Rain outside! Rain inside! Rain in his heart. Everywhere he looked was rain.
His day had started out bad, he was still in a lot of pain, and then it seemed to snowball from there. He had taken control of a patient away from Deb (his mind stubbornly refused to call her anything else), had lost his temper with Carol, and all day long he had been off edge. He had been in pain ever since he had woken up. His attempts at humor were hard, and failed flat. The last straw had been when Carol had attempted to help him after he had read the letter for Lucy.
The flashbacks had been strong all day. He had, had them before, but today they were worse.
Probably because today he had seemed to practically live in the room where Lucy had been killed, and let's face it he said to himself. “The room where Lucy was killed and where I almost died.” All day he had been scared and angry. Each emotion vying for a piece of his heart. “When”, He thought to himself, “when will I ever begin to feel normal again.”
After work, he had driven aimlessly around, not driving to any particular place. He found him self circling the block where Kerry lived. Without thinking he parked his jeep, and walked up the short walk to her door.
**********--------**************
“ John,” her heart went out to him, “What is it?” she said as she opened the door, and practically dragged him inside. He was silent for a few seconds. “Where you busy?” He asked quietly, almost like a little boy who hoped she was, and prayed she wasn't.
“John.” she began, then stopped, not quite knowing what to say. “Come in,” and motioned towards the living room sofa. “Sit down, let me have your coat.” John silently handed her his coat, and then sat down quietly, not moving, not talking just sitting, as if to talk would unleash a dam of emotions he was afraid to say or even think. He watched as Kerry put his coat away, and then moved to the stereo, and turned down the music she had been playing.
The first words out of his mouth startled her. “The Judds?” he looked at her quizzically. Kerry laughed, and nodded her head. Then teasingly looked at him, still trying to figure out what was going through his head. “You lived here how long, and you're just know figuring out I listen to something else, other than classical.”
The first hint of a smile entered his face, gone just as quickly. “I'm sorry to have come over here with out calling, but.” he grew quiet again, trying to organize his thoughts. Kerry limped towards the love seat in the living room, quietly watching him. Making no sudden moves.
Suddenly she knew. She knew, why he was here. Part of him, needed to be with a survivor. Part of him needed to be with someone who had been hurt, and hurt badly, yet still had recovered.
She also knew it was time, time to tell him what had happened, because she knew that only she could help this time. What he had been through had been horrific, just as horrific as what had happened to her.
“John,” she said quietly, “I need to tell you something, something that will probably shock you. Something about me.” He watched silently, and thought, not another Carol repeat.
He watched her for a few moments, quietly. Neither one saying a word. Kerry was quiet, struggling to find the words. Few people knew how she had acquired her limp, it wasn't something that she wanted to think about herself, but for John's sake, she knew she had to tell him. Regardless of how he would feel about her afterwards.
“When I was 21”, she began, “I was on my way home from college. The day was sunny. “ She laughed ironically “Odd how you remember the little details isn't it.”
John continued to watch her, never once taking his eyes off of her lovely face. She went on in a slightly bitter voice, trying to say what she knew she had to say. “ My friend Alisa and I had decided to go camping for the weekend. We stopped at this little grocery store. I had, had a slight cold, and I remember Alisa saying “Stay in the car, keep warm, don't worry I won't forget to get your Pepsi this time.” Kerry’s face showed grief, the kind that never truly goes away.
“I stayed outside a while longer waiting for her to come back in finally after waiting for about 10 minutes. I was to impatient to get started. I decided to go in after her. I should have known something was wrong, it was so quiet in there, so very, very quiet. I remember passing a row of corn pops, and aisle after aisle of canned goods, when I saw her. She was lying so quietly on the ground, blood was seeping out of her side. I remember thinking. Alisa shouldn't be lying there on the ground, we're going camping. I started running towards her, and tripped.. It was a dam can of peas, which saved me.
“He was tall, I remember thinking that his eyes seemed weird. I noticed him about the same time I tripped over a can peas, that had been knocked off of a shelf, he shot me I turned slightly and was hit in my right shoulder. (Involuntarily Kerry’s hand moved to her shoulder) and rolled towards a display case. From what the police tell me, the entire display racks of peas were knocked over, I was knocked unconscious, underneath the mess. The gunshot wound and the multiple injuries were hard. But what was harder to live with,” She said quietly. “Was knowing that Alisa had to face that madman all by herself.”
“I couldn't save her.”
“Me,” she said bitterly, “the one who was training to be a doctor couldn't even wake up to save her best friend”.
She was quite for a few moments still not daring to look at his face. Then she continued. “It took the police a while to discover that the grocery store we were in had been robbed and that we had been attacked. Evidently a couple of customers had stopped by after ”. She stopped and then quietly continued, “we had been attacked, they stopped in and saw us lying there. I was lucky, Alisa wasn't. She died immediately they said. Everyone kept telling me later. It wasn't your fault you couldn't save her.”
“But John, you and I both know,” With this she finally raised her eyes and looked him straight in the face. “You and I both know, the guilt you feel afterwards. The survivors guilt, the anger, and the overpowering feeling of grief and loneliness afterwards. I can't even pretend to know how you feel. But I do know what happened to us, happened…” she stopped and sat quietly for a few moments. “I've never told anyone but the police, and they had already known what had happened by the eyewitness, and the jerk who did it in the first place.” She watched his face for a few moments. He was quiet. Emotions conflicting with each other on his handsome face, to fast for her to read.
He was silent for a few more seconds then said quietly. “Kerry, I ‘m not sure why I came here tonight, Mabey to talk, Mabey it was just to see your pretty face, now I know,” he paused for a second “I know it was because you understand.” He looked at her silently for a moment. “You understand me and what happened in a way more than I ever could or can.” He stopped and watched her for a while longer, looking more at peace then when he had arrived.
Then slowly leaning towards her, he reached out his hand and touched her face gently, then kissed her.
