A Moon for the Misdirected
Disclaimer: Fox Mulder, Dana Scully and Walter Skinner do not belong to me; they belong to Chris Carter and Fox. I mean no harm and will make no money from their use.
Spoilers: None for X-F. One for "Evolution." I understand this was an ad libbed scene of DD's but it seemed juvenile and unfunny to me. As I think it might to a certain AD if a certain FBI agent did it.
Setting: Eighth season
Rating: PG. Discipline, no slash.
Summary: Mulder shows a pompous Marine Colonel what he thinks of him in a rather graphic manner, then has to face an angry AD.
Rrrriiinnng
"Agent Doggett."
"AD Skinner."
"Sir!" Doggett responded, rising even though the other man was on the other end of the telephone line.
"Is Agent Mulder with you?"
"Agent Mulder?"
"Yes, Agent Doggett. I understand you and he... paid a visit to Fort McAllister earlier today."
Doggett swallowed hard, his eyes scanning the room as though it would hold some magical set of responses that would get him through this interrogation. "He-I think he's around here somewhere." He offered up a little prayer that Mulder would stay in the men's room until the call ended.
"I see," Skinner responded. "Well, I imagine you know why I'm calling. I heard from Col. Westbrook. At length."
Doggett's face fell and he sat back down heavily in the desk chair. "I don't suppose he was complimenting you on the thoroughness of our investigation," he said quietly. His and Mulder's confrontation with the over-zealous and self-important Marine Colonel had turned ugly. Really ugly. And it hadn't taken long for the news to reach the Hoover building. They'd only returned a few minutes ago.
"No, Agent," Skinner growled. "I will ask you this only once, Agent Doggett. Did Agent Mulder.... 'moon' the Colonel and his men?"
Doggett winced. "Well, sir," he began, reaching up and reflexively loosening his tie. It had been his idea to go to Fort McAllister. Mulder had insisted on joining him, in the absence of the very pregnant Agent Scully. So he felt a little responsible. Not that he'd ever dreamed it would end up the way it did-"
"Agent Doggett? Did Agent Mulder 'moon' a Marine Colonel and his officers this afternoon?"
"Y-yes, sir, I guess you could... characterize it that way," he replied, still more softly.
"I trust you didn't join Agent Mulder in this... activity?" Skinner continued.
"No, sir! I was-I was driving, sir," Doggett said. Then he realized how that sounded. "Not that I would have... I mean, if I wasn't driving-" He looked up as the door opened and the Special Agent in question appeared. Mulder didn't take note of the strange look on Doggett's face, or his frantic body language. He walked quickly over to the file cabinet and began rifling through the top drawer. He found what he wanted, took the file out and slammed the drawer shut. He wasn't the least bit sorry he'd done what he'd done, but he was certain Skinner would have a different response. Mulder was getting out of town while the getting was good.
"I see. Lucky for you," AD Skinner was saying on the other end of the phone. "Is Agent Mulder there now?"
Doggett stifled the groan that rose from his gut. "Well, sir-"
"Tell him I want to speak to him."
Mulder had picked up his jacket from the back of the guest chair and was heading for the door. "See ya," he said.
"Mulder?" Doggett said.
"Can't talk, Agent Doggett. "Gotta run-"
"It's for you," Doggett said, holding out the phone.
Mulder gave him a questioning look.
"It's AD Skinner."
Mulder felt his stomach lurch. He'd known it was too dangerous to come back. Those military jerks must not have lost a single second before they started calling around to find his supervisor. All color drained from his face but he remained rooted in place.
"Agent Mulder," Doggett whispered. "You better take it. He doesn't sound... happy."
The other agent nodded, trying his damnedest to appear nonchalant. And failing miserably. He took two steps forward and Doggett placed the receiver in his hand. Slowly Mulder lifted it to his ear.
"Hello?"
"Don't hello me, Fox William," Skinner said sternly, managing to sound as though he was yelling without raising his voice. "I don't believe I ever-EVER-- expected to hear one of my agents 'mooned' someone. Anyone. Let alone officers of the United States Marine Corps."
"I-I-- That Colonel was a first-class asshole-"
"Don't make this worse for yourself," the AD said sternly. "Go home. Now. Directly home. Make no stops. Go nowhere else but the house in McLean. And wait for me. Am I making myself clear?"
"But-"
"No buts," Skinner interrupted him. "Well, one butt actually. And I'll deal with that when I get home. Now tell me you understand where you are going. And where I expect you to be when I get home."
Mulder grimaced. Skinner was always the most dangerous when he spoke to the younger agent as if he were a child. "I understand," he said, a slight note of annoyance creeping into his tone.
"And Fox? When you get there, I want you to go to family room and ... assume the position. Exactly the one you demonstrated for the officers today," Skinner said ominously. "I'll expect to see you following my order-to the letter-- when I get there."
Mulder had turned a dark red as the AD finished his sentence. "But-but when...?"
"Whenever I get there. And I had better not find you doing anything other than obeying me, Fox," Skinner answered airily. "You've already earned yourself punishment for childish and disrespectful behavior. You don't want to add to your tally with an act of blatant disobedience." He hung the phone up but Mulder stood there another full minute, until the dial tone returned and jarred him out of his stupor.
The Skinner Home
McLean, Virginia
5:43 p.m.
Mulder's trousers were pooled around his ankles and he was leaning over the back of the couch. He'd been shifting positions for almost an hour now, trying to find a comfortable one. The family room had a large window that looked out onto the backyard. The yard was wooded and no neighbors could see in but the AD could easily come around the side of the house and would be able to spot him - or not. He was not about to take any chances, given the hot water he was already in with Skinner. He held his position, glancing out the rear window every couple of seconds. The wait felt interminable.
Earlier in the day, faced with an unbending, closed-minded Marine Colonel spouting orders and arrogantly ordering he and Doggett from the base, his action had seemed completely justified. Poetic even. "Total fucking moron," he berated himself angrily. "What the hell were you thinking?"
"Yes, that would be the operative question," a voice started him from the kitchen. Skinner had quietly entered through the front door.
"Oh! Sir! I-I-" Mulder stammered, jerking upright.
The AD appraised him from the archway between the kitchen and the family room. "Pull them up," he said, glancing at the trousers around the younger agent's ankles.
Mulder almost didn't believe it at first. He was getting a pass on this. He wasn't sure what to credit for his good fortune but he leapt into action, pulling up his trousers, zipping and buttoning them and buckling his leather belt.
"Okay," Skinner said amiably, taking a seat on the couch directly across from Mulder. "Show me exactly what you did today, Fox," he said evenly.
"Wh-what?"
"Show me. You were in the car, and Agent Doggett was beginning to back it out. Then you dropped trou and flashed your bare butt at Colonel Westbook. Demonstrate exactly what you did."
"I don't-I'd rather not, sir," Mulder answered, his voice veering close to a whine. "I mean-I know it was wrong. I'll never-"
"Not good enough. It's so unbelievable to me. That an intelligent professional like yourself would stoop to an adolescent stunt like that. I need to see it to believe it," Skinner said. "Do it. Now."
Mulder pressed his lips together. The tone of voice and body language told him his protests would fall on deaf ears. Best to just get this over with, he reasoned. He slowly exhaled, trying to calm his nerves. Then he unbuckled his belt quickly, unbuttoned and unzipped, then dropped his pants and boxers with one swift move. He turned around, lifting the tail of his dress shirt and bent forward, mooning the Assistant Director.
"Okay. Now tell me why you think that's an effective or appropriate way to deal with your frustration. Or why you think it would convince a military officer to think better of your request for information."
Mulder stood up and turned around. He quickly redressed himself as he tried to think of an answer to that question. In retrospect, it seemed horribly juvenile. And just plain stupid. "I guess I just wanted that jerk to know what I thought of him," he mumbled as he rebuckled his belt.
"I see," Skinner said thoughtfully. "Perhaps I missed something because that message didn't come through to me. Do it again."
Mulder's head popped up in surprise and he stared, open-mouthed, at the AD. "What?"
"Do it again," Skinner repeated. "Now."
Mulder seemed to fight a short but uphill battle with himself for a moment. Then, his face bright red, he repeated the steps once again. "Okay?" he asked when he was once again mooning the other man.
"Yes."
The younger agent sighed exaggeratedly and got himself dressed even more quickly than the last time.
Skinner watched him until his belt was back in place. "I still don't get it. Let's see it again," the AD said as soon as Mulder had finished.
Now Mulder had a hard time containing his annoyance. Still, he knew better than to verbalize it. He stared at the AD for a split second, then sighed loudly and went through the process one more time. "Is that sufficient, sir?" he asked once he was back in position. This time he'd concluded he needed to keep a more respectful tone. Or this could go on all night.
"Yes, I think so," the Assistant Director answered.
Mulder rose, and turned around. He raised his boxers and trousers, zipped the pants and buttoned the button at the top. Then he began to refasten his belt but thought better of it. He looked at the AD inquiringly.
Skinner paused a few seconds. "No. I think I need to see that again. I'm still missing the message," the other man said. To Mulder's ear he almost sounded apologetic. Almost, but not quite. In his heart, the agent guessed Skinner was enjoying every moment of this object lesson.
Muttering under his breath, the younger man exhaled forcefully and repeated each step once again. Back in position, bare butt facing the other man, he closed his eyes and tried to keep a respectful tone. "Again, sir?"
"No. I think that's enough-" Skinner began. Mulder immediately began to rise and redress himself but the AD put a hand on his back. "Not so fast. I think you know what comes first...."
Mulder swallowed a lump in his throat and sighed. "I knew that," he answered, trying to sound like he hadn't been hoping for a different outcome. He turned back around and bent over the back of the couch once again. He could hear the sound of Skinner removing his belt from its loops and he closed his eyes, waiting for what would come next.
"What's this strapping for, Fox?"
"For .. for mooning the Marines-OUCHH! OWW! AHHH!"
"And what is it about mooning that earned you punishment?"
"It's OWW! It's childish.... UNHHH! And immature! And-OUCHH! And just plain dis-OHHH! PLEASE! It's DISRESPECTFUL! Sir! OWWW!"
"And not the kind of behavior I expect from an FBI Agent," Skinner said, laying three more licks on the place where the younger man's butt met his thighs. "Or my son..."
Mulder sobbed mournfully. Skinner recognized that sound meant the lesson had hit home so he dropped the belt on the table next to the couch and laid a hand on Mulder's back. The younger man stood up, then turned into his chest, burying his head as he continued to sob. The AD hugged him and rubbed his back for a few minutes minute until he began to calm down, then he told the younger man to go upstairs and change. "And wash up for dinner. I called for Chinese on the way home. It should be here any minute."
Mulder nearly had a heart attack when he realized the Assistant Director had been expecting a delivery. What if it had come earlier than expected? He took the stairs two at a time, trying to make sure he was out of sight before the delivery boy arrived.
He returned a few minutes later to find the boxes open on the kitchen table and place settings for two. Skinner was taking a couple of bottles of iced tea out of the refrigerator. "Have a seat," he said amiably.
Mulder had changed into sweat pants and a tee shirt and he hesitated before sitting. It would likely be less than comfortable.
"Sit," Skinner said in a tone that brooked no argument. "You have to eat dinner. And then afterwards, you've got an apology letter to write. To that Marine Colonel...."
Mulder nodded and sat down gingerly. His butt was sore but it didn't keep him from sitting. It just reminded him of the punishment he'd just gotten. And made him think about what he'd done to deserve it.
Skinner helped himself to something from each of the cartons, then pointedly stared at Mulder until the younger agent did the same. Surprisingly, Mulder found he was hungry and he began to eat, relaxing and allowing himself to be drawn into a pleasant conversation about sports and Skinner's family. And Scully. And eventually some work stuff. It always amazed him how Skinner and his entire family could return to normal immediately after receiving, or dishing out, a spanking. And yet, in some ways it was immensely comforting.
He was beginning to feel normal enough to tease the older man. "So what was it that really got you riled, huh? That I mooned someone. Or that I mooned the Marines?"
Skinner smiled. "Well, despite what you may think, it was the act, not the audience," he answered. "What exactly was it that made you decide to take up mooning at this point in your life, Fox?"
Mulder grimaced. "Well... actually this wasn't my first time," he responded truthfully. "Some friends and I mooned a couple of state highway patrol officers in Connecticut when I was sixteen. It was just after my folks split. The troopers stopped the car about a mile later and took us in for indecent exposure. We.. The charges were dropped after our parents came and got us."
Skinner's eyebrows had risen as Fox told this story. "How did your parents take that?"
Mulder pressed his lips together. "My father was in Washington. Or somewhere, I don't remember. My Mom had to come down and get me."
"So how did she respond?"
Mulder hesitated a moment, as though he were considering the question and not sure how to respond. Finally he sighed. "She... didn't get it, I guess. I mean the mooning thing. She just didn't understand it. So she let it go. We never even talked about it."
"Well, I don't understand it either, Fox," Skinner said, shaking his head. "But I'm afraid letting it go is not in my repertoire. Sorry about that."
Mulder shrugged. "I know it's not," he answered immediately. Then he gave the other man a lopsided half-smile. "But on the plus side, after today, I can assure you my mooning days are over. Somehow, it doesn't seem nearly as funny to me now-after such extensive experience demonstrating my technique...."
Skinner chuckled. "Let me straighten you out on that, kid. It wasn't funny before either...."
THE END