Star Wars Bible.. The Old (new) Testiment 1 - Thy Phan-toom Men-ace.
or Maul in a days Work...or Qui Gon, Qui Goff.
The First Book of Obi-won, called Nab-boo.
Chapter 1:
1 Thy small ship did descent unpon thy space station, and thy occupants did asketh permission to dock. Thy occupants, although disliking thou passengers, did letest them aboard, and thy passengers, whom was two Jed-eye warriors called Obi-won and Kwi-Kworn, were shown to thy small room by a droid, whose name is irrelevant.
1a And Obi-won was pleased to be in thy film, as he would be made into a little plastic figure. And Kwi-Kworn was also pleased, as he too would be made into a little plastic figure. And thy irrelevant droid was not pleased. Her role was not big enough.
2 And the occupants, whom were delgates of thy Trade Fed-ar-ation did not likest thy Jed-eye, and they didest contact thy ruler, a phan-toom men-ace whom wast known as Dar-ff Sid-ee-us. And Sid-ee-us, whom also not liketh thy Jed-eye, did tell thy delegates to kill thy Jed-eye and plead ignorance of thy arrival.
3 And thy small room was filled with gas, and thy Jed-eye did notest die, as thy were clever, and not inhale, but did turn a lovely shadeth of blue. And it came to pass that thy door was opened by thy Killer Droids, whom wanted to laugh at thy dead Jed-eye, and spit on thy corpses. And once thy door was opened, thy Jed-eye did leapeth out, and did kill thy droids for being stupid. And they did breath normally again. And it was good.
4 And thy Jed-eye did kill many droids, and many droids, and many droid. And Kwi-Kworn did shovest his lightsaber into thy door to thy bridge, and thy delegates did shit thyselves with fear. But Delegate 1 did close thy blast doors, and it was good. And Kwi-Kworn did push harder, and did start to melt thy door, and it was not good. And more droids did arrive, and even Transformers did cease the opportunity to be made into little plastic figures, and did roll into action.
5 And Obi-won could not attack thy transformers by thyself, and did ask Kwi-Kworn for help, and Kwi-Kworn, whom was bored with the door now, did decide to run for it. And thy did. And they did hide in a ventilation shaft, because Obi-won had been watching Die Hard thy night before.
6 And it came to pass that Obi-won and Kwi-Kworn did find thyselves seperated, and on the planet Nab-boo. And Kwi-Kworn did run from a large thing what was tearing up thy countryside, and did run into a reject from a Disney Film. And he did save the live of the silly thing, and the silly thing was grateful. And the silly thing said unto Kwi-Kworn Behold, thy has saveded me from that large thing what was tearing up thy countryside. Thy life now belongs to thou. Howestever may thou serve you?
7 And Obi-won did appear, and did not like the silly thing, as he would be more popular in the figure ratings. And the silly thing did tell them his name is Ja-jar. And Kwi-Kworn told Ja-jar to piss off, but Ja-jar would not. And it was not good. And Ja-jar did decide to take thy Jed-eye home, to meet his parents. As they had nothing better to do, they decided to.
8 And on thy station, thy delgates were annoyed. The droids had been trashed, thy transformers were not working any more, and Sid-ee-us had just told them they would not become little plastic figures. And Delegate 2 did decide not to tell Sid-ee-us about thy lost Jed-eye.
9 And Obi-won and Kwi-Kworn and Ja-jar did swim in thy water, and did reach thy hidden city, that no one, save thy occupants, Ja-jar, Obi-won, Kwi-Kworn, and you know about. And the milkman, and thy postman, and thy Jehovas Witnesses, and thy double glazing salesmen, and thy people of Nab-boo also knew.
10 And whence they did arrive, Ja-jar was detained because he had been naughty before. And Obi-won and Kwi-Kworn did go before Boss-Narss, and did explain they were looking for a plot. And Narss did sayeth he not know where lieth thy plot the Jed-eye search for, and they did leave. And Kwi-Kworn did ask if Ja-jar could come along, for comedy reasons, and Narss did sayeth yeseth.
11 And Ja-jar was happy, because it meant he would be a plastic figure.
Chapter 2:
1 And thy delegates were not happy. And Sid-ee-us was not happy. He had leant that thy Jed-eye had escaped, and were looking for thy plot. And he did tell his friend, whom was called Morl to stop them. And Morl was happy, as he would be the most popular figure.
2 And it came pass that thy Queen, what were called Am-ee-dil-ar, was not happy. Thy Planet of Nab-boo was under attack by droids, and thy communications were cut off, and the little plastic figure had the wrong shaped nose. And the queen did decide to scarper.
3 And Obi-won and Kwi-Kworn and Ja-jar did leave thy hidden city in a submarine, and was nearly eaten by a fish. But thy bigger fish did come along, and did eat thy smaller fish, which was eating thy submarine, which was piloted by Kwi-Kworn. And Ja-jar did shit it's panteths.
4 And thy submarine did run out of power, but Obi-won, being a wonderful man, did restore power, and thy re-emerge by thy main city, which was lucky.
5 And thy Queen did have been captured by droids for doing a runner, and was being escorted to a secure shed, whence thy Jed-eye did attack. And there was much blazing of Saba's and much escaping by thy people of Nab-boo, and much comedy from Ja-jar (which no one saw, cause thou wast looking at thy action scenes).
6 And Obi-won did decide to escape thy planet, which they did in a ship. And Ja-jar did come along too - for comedy value.
7 And thy little ship, which was to become a larger plastic model, for thy little plastic figures to play in, did run into a blockade (which, as Obi-won reminded Kwi-Kworn, was the main plot to begin with). And thy little ship was being pelted with nastyness, and Ja-jar was thrown into a little room, full of droids. And Ja-jar did talk unto them, and thy droids did leave in much hurrying.
8 And thy droids did attempt to repair thy shield generators, and they were all shot, one at a time. Except for one, whom was clever and brave. And this droid did recieve a medal, and it's name was Ar-too - whom had been in the New(old) testiment, and it was a real stroke of luck.
9 Alas, Obi-won had a problem, and he said unto Kwi-Kworn I think thoust has a problem. Thy hpyerspace motivators have beenst damaged, and thoust has no way of repairing themst. Thy feel we should stop off and buy some more. Mayhaps a plot will unfoil itself in that situation.
10 And so it came to pass that thy small ship did land on a desert planet, called Tat-oo-ine. And Obi-won did sayeth My, what a nice peaceful planet. Mayhaps Thy shall live here whence thy retire. And Kwi-Kworn did decide to go for a walk, to find thy plot. And he did take Ar-too along, and he did take the Queen, what was disguised, and he did take Ja-jar along, for comedy value.