I. Mighty Morph'n Mr. Kipling Cakes This is, as is always the case with me, a silly story which attempts to wring the urine out of the kids TV program "Mighty Morph'n Power Rangers". (I've had a few complaints from the last one, complaining about the use of the word PISS, so i have refrained from saying it's a piss take, which it is of course.) Any similarity between this and either the aforementioned program, or even a brand of exceedingly good cakes, made by an old fart who has a sad life, is purely intentional. If you experience any dizziness or discomfort whilst reading this, please rinse immediately with luke-warm (not hot or cold, or evenly mildly warm) water, leave to dry for a few minuets, and sit in the corner and dribble before continuing. No responsibility can be taken by the author for any wetness that occurs whilst reading this. Not for sale or hire in Oz or any of that part of the world, although no one knows why. For safety's sake, please read this whilst sitting on the toilet. It will make a very cheap replacement for Andrex. (And I doubt the dog will run off with this rubbish.) So, without further ado, let's get on with today's story: Mighty Morphin Mr. Kipling Cakes. {Story starts} Scene 1: A nice lawn in summer. There are two men sitting, enjoying a nice cup of tea, and a plate of assorted cakes. We hear a voice over. Announcer: "Tell me" I asked Mr. Kipling "What was the funniest thing that ever happened to one of your exceedingly good cakes?" "Well, sit back and I'll tell you" Replied Mr. Kipling. "It all started on a summers day, in America...." Scene 2: Angel Grove Gym and juice bar. Kimberly, Trini, Zack and Billy are sitting drinking, whilst Jason and Tommy teach old woman how to complain to the post office. Announcer: "The evil ruler, Rita Repulsive had escaped from captivity and was planning to take over the world" said Mr. Kipling. "The mighty Zordon had made a deal with me, to use the power of my cakes, along with some teenagers, to help to combat Rita and her aliens." Tommy: Come on Mrs. Jones. Scream. Louder! Mrs. Jones: Aaaaagghhhhhhh! Kim: Isn't that nice. Zack: Here Billy. Have another exceedingly good cake. Billy: Thank you Zack, that would be most appreciated. Trini: He says Thanks. Announcer: "But then," continued Mr. Kipling "Trouble struck." Scene 3: Rita's palace. Rita: So, the Mr. Kipling cakes are having elevensies. Finster, make me a monster. Goldar: Once we have made this unstoppable monster, it will destroy the Mr. Kipling cakes for ever, and we can rule the Earth! Ha ha ha ha ha! Finster: It's almost ready, but I need a distraction. Goldar: I'll send the the patrol to take care of them! Scene 4: Angel Grove Park. Kim and Tommy are walking home, when lots of Jam Tarts pop up. Tommy: Oh no! The Jam-tart Patrol! Kim: Let's fight them! Tommy: Good idea. Announcer: "Tommy and Kimberly immediately started to fight them" said Mr. Kipling. "After several minutes, they had defeated the Jam-Tarts, which then all vanished. Tommy and Kimberly brushed themselves off, and heard the familiar peeping of the communicators. They immediately beamed up to the command center." Scene 9: The command center. Jason: What's up Zordon? Zordon: Rita has created another monster. Observe the viewing globe. The monster that you can see there is the Cup-of-tea monster, able to burn things with it's immense heat. Kim: What are we going to do? Zordon: Alpha will try to find a way to stop it, but for now you had best go and fight it. Announcer: "And then Jason stepped forward, put his right hand behind his back, and clearly and precisely said `It's Morphing Time!'" said Mr. Kipling. Scene 27: The Morphing routine bit. Zack: French Fancy Kimberly: Brambly Apple Pie with Custard Billy: Viennese whirls Trini: Mince Pie Jason: Jaffa Finger Tommy: One Slice Selection Pack. Announcer: Mr. Kipling paused there, to take a long, hard bite from his Caramel slice. He then turned back to me, and continued. "With," said Mr. Kipling "one giant leap, they arrived at the scene." Scene 105: The park again. Jason: [Waving his arms around] OK Cup-of-tea, let's take you. Kim: [Waving her arms too] Jason, it looks kind of strange Billy: [Him too waving his arms] Don't be deceived by the first appearance, my pink robed friend. Tommy: [Waving his arms also] Let's kick this guy's ass. All together (well, apart from the Cup-of-tea monster): [All waving their hands in time to one another.] Fight! Announcer: [Not waving his arms around] "And then all hell broke loose" said Mr. Kipling, enjoying another Brambley Apple pie with custard, which self heats when removed from the packet. "The cup-of-tea monster fought bravely, and the Mr. Kipling cakes were almost defeated. That's when Jason had the idea." Jason: [Waving his arms around] We need Cake power! Announcer: "They all called upon my exceedingly good robots to help them defeat the monster. From over the hills they came. Running, leaping, rolling and flying. The Mr. Kipling Cake's leapt into their cockpits, and inserted their coins. All together, the robot cakes joined one, forming MegaSlice." said Mr. Kipling, without taking a single breath. All the Cakes: [Waving their arms around] Attack! Announcer: "The battle was splendid, and far to good to appear in a silly story like this. Ultimately, the Mr. Kipling Cakes called on the power of the PowerSlice, and chopped the cup-of-tea monster in two. With the cup chipped, the tea drained off and soon evaporated in the sun. With that, the Mr. Kipling Cakes returned to their normal lives." said Mr. Kipling, very excited. Scene 3: The gym and juice bar again. Kim: Well, that was fun wasn't it? Billy: Yes. Ernie: Hey! Anyone want a drink? Zack: Sure. What's the special today? Ernie: Tea! All: Groan! Announcer: "Well" I told Mr. Kipling. "I really expected a better punch line than that!" "Oh, Fuck yourself" said Mr. Kipling. The End! First Published in 1996 (c) 1996 Captain Slog Captain_stable@Hotmail.com