Last Sunday Afternoons' Easy-Pies. A parody by Captain Slog Certain characters (c) 1993,1994 Captain Slog Certain characters (c) Harry Enfield. All other trademarks acknowledged This story is a parody on the following: TNG episodes "Yesterday's Enterprise" and "Naked Now." Coronation St. Harry Enfield's Television Programme. [Our story stars (as it always does) with an exterior shot of the S.C.S.C.S.S. Easy-Pies. The Captain's voice can be heard over.] Captain's voice: Captain's Personal Diary. Stardate: Friday. My dear diary. We have finished our scanning mission in the Wobble-cluster, and currently have a little spare time, for the crew to spend as they wish. [Scene cuts to Chef O'Brian's quarters. He is sitting, watching the telly with his wife Kenko. Their daughter Polly is asleep in her room. The door chimes go, and the door opens. Standing there is Counselor Diana Trout, Mr. Wok, Ensign Row McLaren, Unprenouncable and Ronnie Natwest.] Trout: Hello Chef. Are we in time? Chef: Yes. Coronation St is about to start. Ronnie: I liiii liiiii likkkkk likkkkk likeeee um....I like Corrrrr corrr corrrrr corrrr... Row: We all like Coronation St. Wok: Indeed we do. Then, it seems logical for us to call ourselves the Easy-Pies Coronation St Fan Club. Ronnie: Sttttttt sttttttttstttttt Kenko: Careful Mr. Natwest, else you'll wake up Polly. Ronnie: Sooooo soooo sorrrrrr sorryyyyy! [On the telly in the corner, we see the Coronation St logo appear, and the music] Music: Da da da dada. Da da dada. Da dada! dddadadaaaaa da da da da da! [Scene cuts to Woof's quarters. Atad, Weasel Pusher, Sooty, Geordie Git and Dr. Cruncher are here. On the telly, we can see "Harry Enfield's Television Programme (tm)".] Harry Enfield (on the screen): Can you say BOLLOCKS granny? Granny, do you know what Bollocks are?... Woof: I find this programme rather primitive, yet at the same time, rather good. Weasel: I only watch it because I'm allowed to. Aren't I mum? Dr. Cruncher: I'm a doctor dammit, not your mother! Geordie Git: Why aye mon. Checkup: I fink it is really good. [Scene cuts to main bridge. Pilchard is sitting here, surrounded by un-named people. A light suddenly flashes on a console.] Un-Named Person: Captain! Pilchard: Yes, Lt. er...um....Un-Named Person. What is it? Un-Named Person: I'm picking up a strange time-space distortion. Pilchard: What is it like? Un-Named Person: I'm not sure. I think you better talk to the Un-Named person at tactical. Pilchard: Well, Un-Named person at tactical? Un-Named Person at tactical: It's like space, only it's not. WAIT! There's a ship emerging.... [Scene cuts to exterior shot of thingy. A ship is defiantly coming out.] Pilchard: Un-Named person at "What-ship-is-that" control. What ship is that? That person: Registration number...Er...It doesn't appear to have a number. The name is...Easy-Pies!!! Pilchard: Easy-Pies? But...That's us! Un-Named Person at Information desk: Sir. It is very possible that this is the prototype Easy-Pies, which was lost 50 years ago when the crew went completely insane. Pilchard: What class is it? Un-Named Person at information desk: Coronation Class. Pilchard: Hold us back. Steady as she goes. Rasher Tar: Yes sir. [Camera fixes on Rasher, then freezes. Cue intro...Blah blah..blah...blah...blah...Going Boldly where no one wanted to go anyway. Dum titty dum diddly dummmmmm. diddly dum dum dum diddly dum. Da da da da da daaaaaa. Diddly dum titty dum diddly dum. Da da diddly da da. Da da da da diddly da (da da) da der da diddly da dada. De de de dittyly deeeee. Da diddly da diddly da da da da da daaaaaaaaa da da da da (bibbity boo!) Camera is still looking at Rasher. (So to cut things short, I'll get on with it rather quickly). The ship suddenly explodes, sending out little lighted thingys towards out Easy-Pies. They fly in and the whole ship rocks. Inside now, and some head towards O'Brian's place, whilst the rest head for Woofs. We see them entering the crew at those locations. Back to bridge] Pilchard: Main crew to Bridge NOW! Un-Named Person at Patronize station: They won't here you from there! [The doors open, and Biker runs in. The ship rocks again.] Pilchard: [To Biker] Wilf. What happened? [Biker stands, wobbling around. His hands are over his face.] Rasher Tar: Wilf? Are you alright? [Biker still stands, wavering around.] Pilchard: Medics to bridge now please. [Scene cuts to Woofs place. Atad, Geordie Git, Weasel, Checkup and Dr. Cruncher are lying on the floor, unconscious. Woof slowly starts to wake up at the sound of Cruncher's person communicator.] Personal Comm: Hello. Dr. Cruncher. I would like a little assistance on the bridge if you don't mind. [Woof stands up, and shakes his head. He starts to help the others up, who are also starting to come around.] Atad: Happened what? Geordie Git: Aye dunna 'ave a cloo, mon. Dr. Cruncher's comm thing: Look. Am I just talking to myself here or what? Cruncher: Er...Hold on. I'll be there in a minute. [Scene cuts to O'Brian's place. Trout, Wok, Chef O'brian, Ensign Row, Ronnie Natwest and Kenko are in a similar state. They are all slightly dazed.] Trout: I better go up to the bridge. [She leaves. Scene cuts to Medical bay. Dr. Cruncher is here, as is Trout, Pilchard, Rasher Tar, Woof and Biker, who is on the table.] Pilchard:...and I still haven't been able to get anything out of him. Trout: Could it be U again? Woof: I remember the chaos he caused last time. Pilchard: [Thinking] Last time he came, we were up to our necks fighting the Baud. I don't remember him causing us any more stress then. Woof: Alright then. The first time he appeared. Pilchard: Ah yes. You mean when he possessed Biker, then Dr. Cruncher and Biker turned up all dazed, like he is now? Woof: Yes. Pilchard: Can you sense the presence of U? Woof: Of course not! Pilchard: I was talking to Trout. Trout: Not at the moment. I can however feel a vast battle inside of Wilf. [Biker moves slightly on the table.] Biker: Tim! Pilchard: Counselor, I suggest that you take Wilf for personal counseling. [Trout and Wilf leave. Scene cuts to Trout's room. The door opens, and Trout walks in, followed mindlessly by Biker.] Trout: Wilf. Can you hear me? Biker: [Mindlessly] Errrrrrrr...... Trout: Wilf. I can feel the conflict with in you. Let go. Biker: [Mindlessly] Er......Um.... [Pilchard enters.] Pilchard: How is it going? Trout: I think Wilf is trying to speak. Biker: [Mindlessly] Er.....Um......Blob! Trout: What? Pilchard: Pardon? Biker: Er....Blobby? Pilchard: What is up with him now? Biker: Blobby blobby! Trout: Captain. That's not Wilf! Pilchard: What? Trout: Something has taken Wilf's body. Pilchard: But the question is...What? Trout: I haven't a clue. [Scene cuts to Main Bridge. Woof is at his station, as is Wok, Atad, Sooty, Weasel and Checkup. Geordie Git is sitting in the command chair.] Geordie Git: ...'n' aye surgest thats we stay where we are. What do you all think? [Everyone turns and looks at Geordie.] Geordie: What is the matter with you lot? Atad: I do believe that you were speaking correctly. Geordie: Atad! You spoke forwards! Atad: So I did. It's just like I did that time we went to Oh-No-Kaia 3. Geordie: I remember that. You asked me what it's like to speak forwards. Atad: Are you asking me if I asked you what it's like to speak forwards? Geordie: Yes. I am asking you if you asked me what it's like to speak forwards. Why. What are you going to do about it? Sooty: 'ay 'ay 'ay. Alright, alright. Look Nobody is gonna ask anyone else if they're asking if they're asking what it was like to talk forwards. Just calm down. Geordie: Are you telling me to calm down? Sooty: Yes. I'm tellin' ya to calm down. Got a problem with that? Geordie: Yeah, I hav'. Atad: Look. Nobody is going to calm down. Alright? Weasel: Mr. Wok. What is going on? [Wok, (who has been looking at the flick-a-roma "What the Butler Saw") looks up.] Wok: Well...I don't really know! [The Xpress lift doors open, and Pilchard and Trout walk on, along with Biker, who is bouncing around.] Pilchard: Report, Mr. Git. Geordie: Are you asking me for my report? Atad: Yes. He is asking you for your report. Sooty: Alright now. Calm down calm down. He only wants to know what's going on. Atad: Are you telling me he only wants to know what's going on? Sooty: yes I am! Ya wanna make sommit of it? Atad: Yeah... Geordie: Alright. Break it up. Pilchard: [To Trout] What is going on? Trout: Oh...Why isn't Tracy ever around when I need her? Pilchard: Whose Tracy? [Ensign Row appears] Trout: Tracy. There you are. Row: Sorra mom. I was out with Baz. Trout: Well, I'm going down the rovers for lunch. You stay here and make yourself beans on toast. Row: Owwwwwww. Mom! [Trout leaves.] Pilchard: Is any left sane here? Mr. Wok. Please tell me what is happening. Wok: Well, Derek left for work as usual on time today. --------------- ADVERTS! ----------------- [Scene cuts to exterior shot of Easy-Pies. The remains of the other Easy-Pies is slowly drifting towards them. We hear the Captain's voice.] Pilchard: Captain's Dairy. Wombat date: Sunday. It would appear that my entire crew has been possessed by a strange entity. To further confuse the matter, Rasher Tar has also appeared, although I am not supposed to be aware of her know existence. Biker: Blobby blobby. Pilchard: Give me strength. Rasher: Captain. I would say that the entire ship has gone bonkers. Pilchard: What else is happening? Rasher: Well, Chef O'brian has locked himself below the bar in 5-backward, saying that he's not going to face Vera again, Trout is standing at the counter of 5-Backward, complaining because she can't get a hot-pot, Ronnie Natwest has turned his quarters into a small supermarket and Kenko has turned hers into a cafe. Gunian seems to be the only sane one around. Pilchard: I better go and talk to her. You have the bridge, Wilf. Biker: BLOBBY!!!! [Biker crashes into Pilchard and hugs him as he falls to the ground. Scene cuts to 5-Backward.] Pilchard: So Gunian. What is happening? Gunian: Why ask me? Pilchard: Well, I just thought that you may be able to help me sort out what's going on. Gunian: Oh that. Sure. No probs. Pilchard: Well? Gunian: You see, when the other Easy-Pies came through, it broke up, and released several silly things which possessed many of the crew. They now take on the personality of their favorite stars, from whatever they were watching at the time. [Sister Mulu walks in.] Mulu: Hello. Gunian: Hello. What can I get you? Mulu: A brandy please. Gunian: That's not your usual poison. Mulu: It's been a shit of a day. Pilchard: Anything else to add? Gunian: [Still pouring out the brandy] Well, part of the ship is coming towards us, and I suggest that you move out of the way, else we will all die. [Pilchard runs out. Cut to Bridge] Pilchard: Helm. Set new co-ordinates. Move backwards 1 quarter power. Weasel: NO! Pilchard: Why? Weasel: I'm smokin' a fag! Checkup: Waynetta. You know the other night, right. When we was tucked up together in bed? Weasel: Yeah Wayne. Checkup: Well, that fart you did at 1.30 in the morning really smelt. Pilchard: Look. Can we move out of the way of that object please? Wok: Well...I don't really know! Pilchard: Woof. Raise shields. Woof: You don't wanna raise the shields, you wanna fire a torpedo. That'll do the trick. [Scene cuts to corridor outside Ronnie Natwest's room. There is a sign outside, saying "Alf's Mini Mart". Inside, we see all sorts of food stuffs on makeshift shelves. Ronnie is sitting behind a counter, mumbling. Ensign Un-named walks in.] Ensign Un-named: Have you got any cornflakes (tm)? Ronnie: Yes. Fresh in yesterday. Ensign: How much? Ronnie: 63p a packet. Ensign: 63 bloody pence for a packet of cornflakes (tm) !?! I can replicate myself a bowl for less than that. Ronnie: Well go on then. Get out of my shop. [Ensign leaves, and Unprenouncable walks in.] Unprenouncable: How do Mr. Roberts. Ronnie: And a good morning to you, Percy. Fine weather for the time of year, don't you think? Unprenouncable: No, I don't at all Mr. Roberts. Infact, for you saying such a silly remark, I think I'll go t' new bettabuys (tm) and do my shopping there, thank you very much. Good morning to you. Ronnie: Bloody hell. Where the hell is Mrs. Barlow anyway? [Trout walks in.] Ronnie: What time do you call this? I thought you were supposed to be here at 2.30. Is this 2.30? Trout: Sorry Mr. Roberts, but Tracy was playing up. [Scene cuts to bridge] Pilchard: LOOK! For the last time. If we can't get out of the way, we're all dead. D.E.A.D. Now. Helm. Please just push that button. Weasel: But, I'm smokin' a fag! [Suddenly, U appears on the bridge.] U: BOO! Ahhhhhhhh. Oh Capatain! Pilchard: As if I didn't have enough problems. U: I was passing, just thought I would pop in and say hello. Pilchard: Hello U. Now please go away. [Suddenly, a beam hits U. He collapses on the bridge.] Pilchard: Medics to bridge. [Cruncher appears] Pilchard: U was just hit be a strange beam. [U suddenly gets up.] Cruncher: Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! U: Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! [U and Cruncher go into the corner] U: Neeee! Let's take the shields down! Cruncher: Neeeee I don't think there even up! U: Neeeee! Let's crash the ship then. Cruncher: Neeeee. I don't know how to. U: Neeee. I could do it. [Xpress lift doors open, and Sister Mulu walks in.] Mulu: I do not belieeeeeeeeeve it! Pilchard: Believe what? Mulu: There I was sitting in my nice cozy chair, and someone goes and rocks the ship. I mean, I'd just made my self a drink of Cola. Now, what's the use of going to all the trouble of making a drink of Cola, if someone is going to go and rock the bloody ship? Pilchard: Well, I didn't. Mulu: Somebody did. And I intend to find out who. Pilchard: Wilf, I'm going to 5-Backward. You have the wheel. Biker: Blobby! Pilchard: Second thoughts, Rasher. You have the wheel. Rasher: Yes sir. [Pilchard leaves. Scene cut's to 5-Backward. Trout is here, as is Gunian, and loads of other people. Trout is standing at the counter.] Gunian: I'm sorry Diana. You know that Hot Pot's aren't on the menu. Trout: But Betty, your famous for your hot-pots! [Gunian turns around and see's Pilchard.] Gunian: Captain. How good it is to see you. Pilchard: Yes, I... Trout: Look Betty. If I don't get a Hot-Pot, I'm going to complain to the brewery! Gunian: Complain if you like. This is a free house. [The door opens, and Ronnie Natwest walks in.] Ronnie: MRS. BARLOW. I have had to close my shop, and come looking for you. Do you know what that means? Trout: No? Ronnie: It mean's that I'm not open, and am losing customers to that new BettaBuys (tm) store over the corridor from me. Trout: Oh! Gunian: Captain. Pilchard: Yes? Gunian: I know this is a difficult time for you, but we have about 30 minutes before the ship hit's us. We need the crew back to normal. Pilchard: How do you propose? Gunian: If we can somehow drive out the creatures possessing them all... Pilchard: That's easier said than done. Gunian: I have an idea. You may not like it though... Pilchard: What? Gunian: I have a radio behind here, but it's only tuned to one frequency. Pilchard: So? If we can contact Star Control on it... Gunian: It's only tuned to one frequency, which is only used by one sentient life form. Pilchard: Who? Gunian: The Baud! --------------- ADVERTS! ----------------- Pilchard: So, you propose communicating with the Baud? Gunian: It's worth a shot. Pilchard: To do what? Kill us all? Don't forget that their all probably miffed about us destroying that other ship. Gunian: If we can both hide when they come aboard, they will take ALL the crew back for assimilation. Once they have purged their minds, they will be free of the possession, and we can help them escape. Pilchard: You're forgetting one thing. Gunian: What? Pilchard: How are we, us two supposed to fight an entire Baud ship when a full crew couldn't? Gunian: I hadn't thought of that. Pilchard: Well, it was a good thought, and I bet it got a load of people out there excited! Gunian: I think I'll come with you to the bridge. Pilchard: O.K. [They leave, and go to the bridge. On the main screen, the wreck of the ship is getting closer.] Gunian: We have about 10 mins (or 50 lines) to go! Pilchard: Does the lines count blank lines? Gunian: How the hell do I know? Rasher: Sir. The ship is approaching. Gunian: She's quick. Pilchard: Don't forget this is her first story. Gunian: Good point. Rasher: SIR! Look! [On the main viewer a small fragment of the ship breaks off and hurtles towards the ship.] Pilchard: [Starting to panic.] Helm move us! Weasel: I'm smokin' a f... Pilchard: Mr. Wok. Assume /ACTING/ ensign's position. [Wok turns his chair, and imitates the way that Weasel is sitting.] Pilchard: Thank you. But, I think it's time we moved. [Suddenly the ship rocks as the fragment hits them.] Woof: Now, I don't believe you really wanted to do that. Gunian: [Spotting U hiding in the corner] Captain, I have an idea. [Gunian runs over to U.] Gunian: U. Wake up. U: What do you want? Can't you read the sign? Gunian: It's me. Gunian. U: Who? Gunian: And Tim. You remember Tim Pilchard. Your best friend? U: Who? Gunian: Oh capatain. U: Oh him. [Shakes his head] What happened? What are you doing here? Pilchard: Gunian? Gunian: He's back! [Turning to U] Can you send that ship back in time? U: What's it worth? Pilchard: What? U: For me to save your pitiful crew? Will you promise to be my friend? Pilchard: I suppose so. U: Right. [Flicks fingers. A vast space opens up and swallows the approaching ship.] Biker: Blobby blobby blob blob captain? Pilchard: Wilf? Is that you? Biker: Captain, I feel blobby. Trout: Ohhhh. My head. Woof: Was that a big party last night? My head is going to explode. Gunian: They all seem to be fine now. U: Don't forget our arrangement Capatain! [He disappears in a puff of logic.] Trout: What did he mean by that? Pilchard: I just hope he didn't really mean it. Lt. Tar. What is our status? Biker: Sir? Pilchard: Yes Wilf? Biker: Who? Pilchard: Lt. Tar. Rasher Tar. Biker: Sir, she's been dead over a year. Pilchard: But she was here a moment ago. Trout: Sorry sir, but she's not here now. Pilchard: Gunian. You saw her. Where is she. Gunian: I think I better talk to you in private. [They leave and go into the Captain's-Comfy-Room. All other bridge crew grab glasses and crowed around the door listening in.] Gunian: She went back on the old Easy-Pies, to make sure that everything returned to normal. Those things that happened were not supposed to happen. Rasher was not supposed to be here. Pilchard: Oh. But what about that agreement with U? Will that still stand? Gunian: I don't know. U: [Voice off screen] You better believe it Pilchard! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Pilchard: Oh well. All's well that ends well. You know what. I really did believe I could see 5 lights. The End. Well, I hope you enjoyed that. Don't forget there are lot's of (well, several, O.K. then, one or too) other Going Boldly Stories kicking around. If you want to get in contact with me, please do so at the following E-Mail address's. Captain_Stable@Hotmail.com Johnny@Zahadum.com First Published in 1994 Via Silicon Heaven BBS and TrekNET. (c) 1994 Captain Slog Captain_stable@Hotmail.com