I. Jamboree: Part 1. The idea of this is too try to spot as many different episodes as possible. (c) 1994 Captain Slog. All characters portrayed in this story are figments of my imagination, and any similarity to any person, animal or goldfish bowl are purely incidental. [Story Stars] [Out story starts with an external view of the Easy-Pies in orbit around a planet.] Pilchard: [Voice Over] Captain's Diary. Star Date Friday. We are In orbit around the planet Planet, doing survey's. [Scene cut's to main bridge. Everyone whose anyone is here.] Biker: How much longer have we got to go captain? Pilchard: Hmmmm. Mr. Wok, what do you think? Wok: I am a Vulgar captain. I don't think, I know things. Pilchard: Very well, what do you know? Wok: Well, in a few lines, a strange thing will probe us. Woof: You've been looking at the script. Pilchard: That's my job! [Suddenly, a beam of light flashes across the bridge.] Pilchard: What was that? Wok: There is 1.45% chance that it was the probe that I told you about 6 lines before. Woof: Sir! There is an object moving towards us. Pilchard: On main viewer. [On the main screen we see the figure of a man, floating in space. The figure floats towards the ship, and then the facial features can be seen.] Pilchard: It can't be! [The man is gray coloured.] Biker: It mustn't be! Woof: Who is it? Pilchard and Biker: [Together] JOHN MAJOR!!!!! John Major: Ohhhh. Hello. Did I startle you? Pilchard: Yes, slightly. John Major: Oh dear! [Intro Sequence!!!!] [John Major has now been bought aboard, and Pilchard and Biker are talking to him.] John Major: So you see, if you can beam down to the planet below me, we can all go and fight all the nasty people from history. Pilchard: Well, I'm game! Biker: I don't think you should go. Pilchard: Look. John Major has promised me that it is safe. I believe everything that he says. Biker: Oh alright then. John Major: Oh yes. Can you bring that robot along with you? Pilchard: So, you want the whole crew AND Atad to beam down with you? John Major: Oh dear, I'm not making myself very clear am I? Pilchard: Who do you want to beam down? John Major: Just you and Atad. Pilchard: Okay, let's go. [Pilchard and Atad beam down, and are confronted by a large piece of rock, which suddenly changes into a human form.] Rock: I am Yardley. Resistance is futile. Pilchard: I've heard that before. Yardley: You are now my prisoners. John Major: Oh dear! [Scene cut's back to bridge.] Biker: Woof, see if you can a lock on the captain. Woof: I haven't got the key, so a lock won't do much good. Biker: Good point. Woof: Message coming in, and I am going to put it on the screen to save time. [On screen Admiral Sad appears] Sad: Ah Biker. Where's Tim? Biker: He's not here. He's beamed down to the surface of an inhospitable planet with a creature that claims to be John Major. Sad: Oh. Anyway, I want to pick up a new captain. The Anorak-Hood should be meeting with you in a few lines. Sad out. [The screen goes blank.] Woof: Sir. Anorak-Hood is approaching, and they are launching a shuttle, which has just arrived in our shuttle bay, and the new captain is on his way to the bridge. Biker: Talk about cutting a story short! [The Xpress lift doors open and a bloke walks out.] Man: Hi there. Where's Wilf Biker? Biker: That's me. Man: Hi. I'm Edwin Jellybelly. Do you prefer Wilf or Frank? Biker: I had a friend called Frank once, so it has to be Frank. [Scene cut's back to surface] Yardley: So, you John Major look-a-like, you shall be killed on the spot as you are no longer needed in this story. [John Major is killed.] John Major: OH DEAR!!!!! Yardley: You android will be sent back in time. [Atad starts to shimmer out of existence.] Atad: Through proceed will I. Scunthorpe Century 20th early to, time in back leading portal a see can I, amazing is this. Pilchard: Atad wait!!!! Yardley: It is no good. he is gone. Now finally, you shall be our prisoner. [Yardley suddenly reaches for a zipper, and unzips the front of his costume. A Codpiecedassion appears from inside the costume.] Pilchard: This..this..this..This was all a trap. Codpiecedassion (Who looks familiar to Ambassador Gurkin of the Klanger High Command): yes, and now you will humor me. [Scene cut's to bridge. Jellybelly and Biker are walking around.] Jellybelly: Now Frank, I want Science station 15 to become the arcade center, Engineering to become Oops, the Con to become the science station, tactical to be councellor's office and 5 backward to put all the prices down. Biker: I'll see what I can do. Jellybelly: Next I want some minor crew changes... [Scene cut's to a dark and dingy room. Pilchard is hanging on a rail, wearing nothing at all. Gul Liable is talking to his daughter.] Liable: Did you have a good day at school yesterday? Daughter: Yes father. We did maths. Mrs. Sea showed us a wonderful equation. She said `If Billy has 2 lightbulbs, and Johnny has 2 lightbulbs and they put them together, how many light's can they see?' Liable: Oh wonderful. Of course, you weren't fooled by the trick question were you? Daughter: Oh no father, I was the only one who got it right. The answer's 5 of course. Liable: That's what comes of having an electrician as a father. [Scene cut's to briefing room. All the senior staff are here.] Biker: I've called this meeting because Captain Jellybelly would like to move a few positions around... Jellybelly: It's alright Frank, I'll take over from now. Right, first up, Mr. Wok, I want you to be the ship's blacksmith. Geordie Git, you'll be the new Con. Checkup, you'll be Chief Engineer, and Sooty, I want you to be my first officer. Frank, you'll be the ships Councellor, and Diana, you'll be on Oops. Bones, you'll be on Security whilst Woof will be the Doctor. Finally Weasel, you'll be on Science. [Scene cut's back to Gul Liable's place. he walks over and unhooks Pilchard, who staggers for a seat near the desk. An un-named Codpiecedassion enters with a tray, which he sets down in front of Pilchard, and he then leaves (the un-named Codpiecedassion, not Pilchard). Liable pushes a cup over to Pilchard.] Liable: Here human, drink. [Pilchard pick's up the cup and takes a long drink.] Pilchard: I have to hand it to you, you really know how to make a fine cup of tea. Liable: But Human, that's not tea. That's coffee. [Pilchard look's slightly puzzled, looks in the cup and then takes another sip.] Pilchard: No, it's tea alright. I would know it anywhere. It's Earl Grey. Liable: I tell you, it's coffee. Pilchard: It is Earl Grey! [Liable picks up a small hand held device.] Liable: I warn you human, whilst you were asleep, I inserted a small television receiver inside you. [Pilchard look's down, and sees a small scar.] Liable: If you don't tell me what I want to hear, I shall be forced to use it. Pilchard: Look, this is bloody tea. [Liable flicks the ON switch. Pilchard suddenly hears something.] Something which Pilchard suddenly hears: Good morning, and welcome to This Morning. I'm Judy and this is Richard, and we're here on an extended program. lasting 72 hours.... [Pilchard is rolling on the floor in agony. Liable flicks the OFF switch.] Liable: Now human. Will you tell me that it is coffee? Pilchard: TEA! Earl grey! Hot! [Liable switches on the remote again. Scene cut's to Bridge.] Jellybelly: Oops. Set course for the Supply Ship, MOZART. Trout: Yes sir. Bones: Captain, there's a strange object approaching. Jellybelly: Can't you give me anymore information on it? Bones: What am I? A doctor or a ..... SHIT! [A figure suddenly beams aboard. His face is Tartan.] Figure: Please help me. My name is Fluckie, and Belle is chasing me. [Another figure appears. This one also has a Tartan face, but it's different to Fluckie.] Fluckie: BELLE!!!!!!! [Fluckie runs out, and into a corridor. Belle gives chase.] Weasel: Well, that was exciting. [Scene cut's to an old town. Atad is walking along the road] Atad: Ready Atad-O-Matic my is? Atad-O-Matic (Pocket Version): Yes. Atad: [Reversed by Atad-O-Matic (pocket Version)] Atad's diary. star Date, unsure. I appear to be have been sent back in time to the early 20th century Scunthorpe. I must attempt to make a small radio to communicate with my friends. Ah look. There is a SNAP tournament on. I must go and play. [Scene cut's to Bridge.] Trout: Captain, we are approaching the MOZART, shall we beam down? Jellybelly: Geordie Git, I want you, Sooty and Bones to beam over. Sooty: Geordie Git: Why aye mon. I f'n'ly git sum lions! [Scene cut's to Liable's place.] Liable: Human. Why are you smiling? Pilchard: I'm enjoying this article on knitting. This tea really is good. Liable: IT IS COFFEE!!!!!!!!! [A small flashy thing light's up on Liable's desk.] Liable: Of course. the old lightbulb trick. That can't fail. [Liable flick's off the receiver, and switches on some light's.] Liable: tell me human, how many light's can you see? Pilchard: Well, there are 4 behind you, one in the center of the room, and a standard lamp in the corner. So that makes 6. Liable: No, there are 7. Pilchard: Are there? [Scene cuts to sickbay. Woof is giving the away team a once over.] Woof: Geordie Git, why are you sweating? Geordie: Why aye, I guss it's coz you've git t' `eat up soo hi. Woof: How dare you accuse me of putting the heating up! [Woof starts to hit him.] Jellybelly: Captain's Diary. We seem to have picked up a strange virus that makes everyone act irrationally. [The Xpress lift opens and Biker walk's in. He is wearing a leather one-piece suit and holding a whip. Wok runs in. he has painted himself orange and is running around slapping people, yelling ORANGES at them. Geordie then walk's in, wearing beach gear, and carrying a towel. Over the ship's intercom system, Checkup's voice is suddenly heard.] Checkup: [Via Comm panel] I vill nov sing han old vussian anfem. [Clears Throat] Yough put your left foot hin your left foor hout hin hout hin hout hand shake hit hall havout. Yough do the hokey cokey and yough turn havound and fat's vat hit's hall habout. Jellybelly: Supplemental. I have to note that Weasel has locked himself in Engineering, and Checkup has locked himself in the comunciation's system. [Woof walk's in.] Woof: Oh look. There's my old Targ. Checkup: [Via Comm panel [Still singing]] Yough put your whole harm hin... [Scene cut's to Liable's place again. Pilchard has been standing on a stool, fiddling with the electrics, and Liable walk's in. Pilchard leaps off the stool.] Liable: Let's try again. [Liable flicks the light's on, but they all explode and plunge the place in darkness. Pilchard make a run for it. he get's to the door then shouts `IT IS **TEA** **EARL** **HOT**!!!!'] [Scene cut's to bridge. Wok run's up to Woof and slaps him, before spontaneously combusting.] Checkup: [Blah blah] Yough put your left buttock hin your left buttock hout... Woof: Oh look. It's my old Kitten. [The Xpress lift doors open and Pilchard runs in.] Wok: ORANGES!!!!!!!!! Woof: Oh look. It's my old Gerbil. Jellybelly: Tim what are you doing here? Pilchard: I managed to fuse the light's. Look, I need my ship back. Jellybelly: Sorry Tim, but the Easy-Pies is mine now. Woof: Oh look. My old Goldfish. Pilchard: Look. Atad is trapped in Scunthorpe Jellybelly: You can have it back. Pilchard: Wilf. I....Where's Wilf? Jellybelly: I made a few alterations. Sooty: Pilchard: I want Wilf here NOW! [Wilf walks on, still dressed up.] Wilf: You called... Pilchard: Oh my God! [Bones walks in.] Bones: Captain Jellybelly. I have to see you alone. I can't contain myself any longer. I have to have you! Jellybelly: Well...er...I... Bones: You are fully functional aren't you? Jellybelly: Isn't that Atad your supposed to say that too? Bones: Yes, but he's in Scunthorpe. [A great flash of light appears, and U stands up.] U: Hello. Pilchard: Oh great! Woof: Oh look. It's my old Stick Insect. U: I just popped in to let you know that in a few pages, you are all going to die. Weasel has switched off all power to the engines, and he has fused the matter/antimatter converters. Of course, on the plus side, you do happen to be in orbit around the planet with the Portal of Yesterday. [U Vanishes.] Pilchard: Jellybelly. I want you to start to evacuate the whole ship, except for Weasel, down to the planet below. [Scene cut's to planet's surface. The whole crew has beamed down. Pilchard looks up and see's the ship blow up.] Biker: We're in the shit now. Pilchard: Jellybelly, you Sooty and Checkup will accompany me through the portal. I want to see if we can find Atad. Portal: State your destination. Pilchard: Scunthorpe. Portal: You don't want to go to Scunthorpe. You want to go to Barbados. Pilchard: We would like to go to Scunthorpe. Portal: Sad bastards. [Scene cut's to road shot of Scunthorpe. Pilchard. Jellybelly, Sooty and Checkup emerge.] Jellybelly: Where would Atad be? Checkup: [Pointing] Look! [They all look towards a large sign saying: Atad's Future Repairs. Scene cut's to inside the shop. Atad is fixing a clock.] Atad: You see to nice how. Captain. Pilchard: We're here to take you back. We need your help. Atad: Device escape my finished have would I and day another. Shame. Checkup: Vhat escape dewice? Atad: Come. [Atad leads them to the back of the shop, where an exact model of the Easy-Pies sits.] Atad: Time necessary the for waiting then, space into getting of hope the in it building been have I. Pilchard: If we can bring that through the Portal of Yesterday, then we'll be alright. We'll have another ship! [Scene cut's to planet's surface. Biker is looking at the Portal of Yesterday, when it starts to shimmer. Pilchard leaps through, followed by Sooty, Checkup and Atad. Up above, the new Easy-Pies suddenly appears. Scene cut's to bridge.] Biker: So, what happened to Jellybelly? Pilchard: He stayed. He fell in love with a woman who lives inside a hollow asteroid and is going to crash into Clacton on Sea in about a years time. Biker: Still. All's well that end's well. Pilchard: Yes. You know what. I thought it really was coffee. The End... Well, how many episodes did you spot? The correct answer is: Chain Of Command, City On The Edge Of Forever, For the World Is Hollow and I have Touched the Sky, Let that be your Last Battlefield, Naked Now, Naked Time, Savage Curtain, Times Arrow, Where No One Has Gone Before. >>NO LONGER VALID - LEFT IN FOR NOSTALGIA VALUE ONLY<< You can contact me at the following address: Fido:- 2:255/76.1701 TREKNET:- 107:1709/2.1701 BucketNet:- 123:2345/1.1701 Please ask for more info on TREKNet! The BEST Mail network in Europe! >>ENDS<< Captain_stable@Hotmail.com First Published in 1994 Via Silicon Heaven BBS and TrekNET. (c) 1994 Captain Slog