Chapter 5 Woman's voice: Last time on Going Boldly: Far Far Away. [Enter a scrolly type thingy.] Scrolly type thingy: Fleeing from the Umpire's forces, Hand polo and his crew were forced to seek refuse inside a strange Time-Space distortion. Un beknown to them, another ship lurked on the other side. The S.C.S.C.S.S. Easy-Pies, under the command of Captain Timothy Pilchard helped Hand take refuse, and agreed to help out in the coming battle. Under attack from Barth Hater's dreaded Shower Destroyers, the Easy-Pies falls under heavy firepower, and squadron's of PIE fighters, which cause the Easy-Pies to have a critical Twerp core breach. Left with only one course of action, Captain Pilchard must order his crew to surrender to the Umperial forces, in order to bring justice to the galaxy.... [Scene cuts to Main Bridge. Red lights are present, and a Klaxon can be heard in the background.] Pilchard: We seem to have only one course of action, and it's my unfortunate duty to give the order. Atad: Solution workable a with up come have and, rate alarming an at information processing been have I Biker: Anything has to better [The ship rocks as another hit, hits.] Computer: Death is certain in 4 minutes. Atad: Diversion a create perhaps can we if. Pilchard: Seems like the only choice that we have. Obscene Kenobi: If I might make a suggestion. There appears to be another Time-Space distortion up ahead, which may lead back. Pilchard: Wilf. I want to split up the crew. You take 4 other members in the saucer section, and head into the disturbance. Biker: I can't leave you. Pilchard: Don't worry. Take Woof, Atad, Checkup and Geordie Git with you. Biker: Yes sir. Hand: I'm going too. Chewbubblegum: Roar. Pilchard: I shall give the word. Biker: Good luck captain. Pilchard: [Into comm panel] Now hear this. All decks, all stations, all toilets, all shoppers. Prepare for emergency saucer separation. Geordie Git and 15 un-named blokes please report to Main Bridge. All other people proceed to battle decks. [Pilchard and the rest of them leave the bridge. Biker looks around at his new crew. Woof is here, as is Atad, Checkup, CthroughU the robot, RU2 the other robot, Hand Polo and Chewbubblegum. Geordie Git and several un-named blokes enter. Scene cuts to main Engineering. Pilchard is here, talking to Sooty.] Pilchard: ...and there is a Twerp core breach in progress. [Sooty waves his wand. The Klaxon's suddenly silence.] Computer: Twerp core breach halted. Biker: [Via Comm panel] Captain. We are ready. [Pilchard walks into an Xpress lift.] Pilchard: Prepare for emergency saucer separation. Computer: Ready. [The Xpress lift stops at the battle bridge. Pilchard walks in and takes his seat.] Pilchard: Engage auto separation sequence. Computer: Unable to comply. Severe damage to auto separation functions. Pilchard: Ensign in charge of separation, please report... [An ensign appears] Pilchard:...IMMEDIATELY! A good. Please separate the saucer. [The ensign runs down the corridor, with a screwdriver in hand. He opens a small panel, and removes a screw. The saucer flies off. Scene cuts to battle bridge. On the viewscreen we see the saucer section fly off into the distortion. A bright flash appears, and then the saucer has disappeared. 1 of the shower destroyers follows.] Pilchard: That's one out of the way. Obscene: Perhaps if we went in there, it would entice the other. Pilchard: Hmmm. I'm not sure. Obscene: I must go back. It is my destiny. Pilchard: Ensign. Plot a course in to the disturbance. Nameless Ensign at controls: O.K. [Scene changes to a large metal moon. Sinister music flares up. Scene cuts to a sweeping view inside, ending at a door. On the other side is the control center. Barth Hater is standing at one end, looking out of a window. The saucer section suddenly rears into view.] Hater: [5 minutes of heavy breathing] General. Place a lock on that object, and fire weapons. [We see a lazer shot fired at the saucer section, which plummets down onto a near-by forest moon.] Bloke wearing a dull costume, and is brave enough to stand near Barth Hater: My lord. The ship will distintergrate when it hits the shield. If we were to lower the shield, momentarily, then we could go down there, and see if there any survivors. Hater: Good idea. General. Lower shield. General: Yes sir. [Scene cuts back to Battle bridge. The battle section is moving into the distortion. The other Shower destroyer is following. We see the battle piece fly through, and then that huge great metal moon. Scene cuts to battle bridge.] Ensign: I have no trace on the saucer section. Pilchard: What? Gone? Ensign: Well, it no longer appears on any of our scopes. [Scene cuts to control center on Metal Moon.] Hater: ...and you say another ship just entered. General: Yes Lord Hater. Hater: Lock on a tractor beam. When they are here, let me know. I am going to my room. General: Going to remove your helmet for a bit? Hater: No, I'm going to look at that new adult magazine that Bibba Foot get for me from Jaffa the Cake. [Hater leaves. Scene cuts to Battle Bridge.] Pilchard: I would say that they are taking us inside. Obscene: I can feel a vast presence inside. Fluke: Well, it can't be Hater. He's on one of the Shower Destroyers. Obscene: I feel that it may be. [He stops and thinks.] Do you have a fax machine? Pilchard: Yes. Go to deck 17, room 164. There is one there for public use. Obscene: If you will all excuse me. [Obscene leaves. Scene cuts to exterior shot of saucer section. It has crash-landed in the middle of a forest. The emergency door opens, and Woof leaps out, ray-gun in hand.] Woof: Nice planet. [Atad emerges from the door, followed by Checkup, CthroughU, RU2, Biker, Geordie Git, Hand Polo, Chewbubblegum and the un-named blokes.] Biker: Well, this seems exciting. Hand: Any chance of getting this thing back up again? [A scanner appears from RU2's head (if you can it a head!)] Woof: It does appear to be pretty shagged out. Atad: Again worthy space be will section saucer this that believe not do I. Checkup: Shame. Biker: Geordie Git. Can you do anything with it? Geordie Git: Nah mon. Polo: I wonder if there is any life on this planet? CthroughU: Pardon my correction sir, but this in fact a moon, not a planet. Biker: Never mind that, I wonder if there's a Pizza delivery service anywhere near. RU2: Beep beepity beep. CthroughU: Oh, Mr. Polo. RU says that there is life not far from here. Biker: What direction? CthroughU: Er...[Points] That way, I think. Biker: Right. We are leaving a few minutes. Go back inside and take whatever you think we will need. [Woof, Atad, Geordie Git and a few of the un-named blokes go back inside. Scene cuts to exterior of Metal Moon. The Battle section of Easy-Pies is almost inside. Scene cuts to landing bay of Metal Moon. The Easy-Pies battle section is placed down, and several hundred StonedTroopers run inside. Scene cuts to battle bridge.] Ensign at Intruder-Station: Captain. They are aboard. Pilchard: I suppose it's only a matter of time before they find us. [Obscene enters.] Pilchard: I suppose we could hide. Obscene: There are alternatives to hiding. [The door is suddenly forced open, and several StonedTroopers run in, and raise their weapons. Scene cuts to Saucer section. Everyone is here.] Biker: Everyone ready? Everyone: YES! [They start to hike through the forest.Scene cuts to exterior shot of landing bay on Metal Moon. The crew are bought down the ramp by StonedTroopers. Hater is standing here. Obscene is bought down.] Hater: [Heavy breathing between words!] So, Obscene. We meet again. Obscene: Sooner than you think Barth. Hater: I shall enjoy watching you all die. Guards. Take them away. Place very strict troopers all around the cell area. Guard: Yes my Lord. [They are all taken away. Scene cuts back to forest.] Biker: Boy, am I starving. Geordie Git: Why aye mon. 'n' I needs the lu lioke. Woof: I told you to go before we left. Checkup: Vhy not use the bushes? Geordie Git: [Points to Atad] Wot! Wiv 'im watchin' lioke? Atad: Ahead up lifeforms some are there that believe I. [Woof and Chewbubblegum get their guns out.] Woof: Where? [A small streaky thing flies past at a very fast rate indeed.] Biker: What was that? RU2: Beep! [Chewie runs down where the thing went, and crashes through the undergrowth.] Chewie: [In the distance] Roar! Polo: He says there is an enemy patrol ahead. [They all crouch down, as several StonedTroopers walk past. Woof fires, and take out two of them. Polo hits a third, and Biker kisses a forth. CthroughU talks to a fifth, whilst RU2 runs over the last one.] Polo: Hey, that was pretty good team work. Biker: I'll say. [Chewie comes stumbling back] Polo: Those were Umperials, right chewie? Chewie: Roar. Polo: I wonder what's so special down here. [Scene cuts to Hater's private chambers. He is talking to the Umpire.] Hater: A small group has landed, but we have taken them prisoner. Umpire: Is there anyone special aboard? Hater: My old master is with them. [Scene cuts to Metal Moon's cell area. Pilchard, Bones Cruncher, Trout and Layher are locked in a cell together. Pilchard is pacing up and down. Trout is crying.] Pilchard: There must be a way to contact Wilf. Trout: Boo hoo. My poor Wilf. I wonder where he went? Layher: It is possible that he ended up on Condor. Pilchard: Where's Condor? Bones: What am I? A doctor or a cartographer? Pilchard: I wasn't asking you. Layher: It's a small forest moon nearby. Pilchard: If we could only get back to the battle section. Layher: I won't do any good. Even if you could take off, you couldn't get past the shield. Pilchard: Then we must switch it off. Do you know where the switch is? Bones: What am I? A doctor or a ... Layher: Yes, I unfortunately do. Pilchard: Why unfortunately? Layher: The shield can only be switch on and off at a small shed on the moon of Condor. Pilchard: But if Biker is down there... Layher: He won't know about the shed. Trout: If we could only get contact with him. Pilchard: Diana. Can't you contact him the same way you did to me on Anchorage? Trout: No. He's blocked out all my thoughts. Pilchard: Well, what about Woof? Trout: I can't communicate with Klangers. Pilchard: Atad? Trout: Or robots. Pilchard: Geordie Git? Trout: Or geordie's! Pilchard: Checkup or the un-named blokes for gawl sake! Trout: I have to be honest, it only seems to work with you. Pilchard: Oh. [The main door opens. A short StonedTrooper is standing here. Very short. 1 foot tall to be precise.] Pilchard: Aren't you a little short for a StonedTrooper? StonedTrooper: Oh, uniform. Yeeeeeeeeeeeess. [The StonedTrooper removes his helmet. 2 long ears plop out.] Strange short man with large ears: Yoga am I. Rescue you am I here for. Pilchard, Bones, Trout, Layher: You're WHO? Yoga: Yoga. Your fax did I get. Yeeessssss! Pilchard: Come on. Let's escape now. [They leave, and go to the next door. Inside is Fluke Skywater, Obscene Kenobi, Gunian and Sister Mulu, drinking Tea.] Sister Mulu: Praise be! We are saved. You see. I told you. If you wish hard enough, you shall be saved. Gunian: Thank goodness you arrived when you did. Trout: Why? Gunian: I've almost run out of tea! Obscene: Yoga! Yoga: Oh, Obscene. Fluke: This is master Yoga? Yoga: Ah, Fluke. A long time this one have I watched. Fluke: And... Yoga: I see you after you eaten curry! Hmmmm. Yesssss Hehehehehe! [Fluke blusshes] Yoga: And those magazine's you keep under your blanket. Pilchard: Look, Hater is sure to discover that we are missing, so I say let's run into a corner and hide. Obscene: That's a good idea for now. [They all turn and run down a corridor. Pilchard stops in front of a door, and opens it. Inside is Mr. Wok.] Pilchard: Wok! What are you doing here? Wok: That tale is in fact a fairly lengthy at best, and I would suggest that we wait until are lives are not in mortal danger before I indulge you on how my being came to be here, and then I am sure you shall tell me of why you are here too. [They turn and run down the corridor. Scene cuts to the Forest. Everyone is crouched down, looking over a hedge. There are 3 more Umperial's, next to motorbikes. Geordie Git is fiddling around with RU2's circuitry.] Biker: We can go around. Polo: It'll take to long. Woof: I shall kill them. Polo: How many can your Klanger take out? Woof: I can take them all on, blindfolded! Polo: But they won't be blindfolded. Woof: Oh, in that case, 1. Polo: Chewie can take a second. I'll take the third. The rest of you stay here. Biker: Hey, I'm in charge here. I'll go. Polo: I just thought that you wouldn't want your entrails spread along the ground. Biker: O.K. You you go! [Woof, Chewie and Polo slowly find a gap in the hedge, and go through. Woof grabs his man, as does Chewie, but Hand trips over, and the third escapes. He jumps on his bike, and flies off.] Biker: Oh no! Checkup: I fink ve can still catch 'im. [Geordie leaps onto RU2, and presses a button on his dome. 2 thrusters appear on Ru2's back, and he shoots off through the forest.] CthroughU: [Shouting after RU2] Wait, stop. You've got to come back. You simply must! [Scene cuts to camera flying through forest. Geordie is holding his ray-gun, and firing at the StonedTrooper. He hits him, and the StonedTrooper falls down, dead. A low branch hit's Geordie, and he falls off, while RU2 turns around. Scene cuts to everyone waiting. RU2 flies back. Biker looks around.] Biker: Where's Geordie Git? RU2: Beep beep. CthroughU: What do you mean you got separated? RU2: Beep. CthroughU: I'm sorry sir, but it appears Mr. Git took a bad fall. [Scene cuts to an office on the Metal Moon. There are 3 people here wearing black suits. The door flies open, and Pilchard, Wok, Bones, Sister Mulu, Trout, Gunian, Obscene, Fluke, Layher and Yoga run in with their ray-guns blazing. The door then snaps shut once the 3 men are killed.] Yoga: Now, young Skywater. Your training shall we begin. [Fluke and Yoga go in a corner and start the training. Obscene is studying a map of the Metal Moon. There is a large arrow, with a sign saying "You are Here".] Obscene: [Pointing at part of the map] I believe this is where Hater is. I must go and face him. [Obscene leaves. Pilchard is looking around. He finds his communicator in a drawer.] Pilchard: [Into comm] Biker? Hello, Wilf? [Wilf's voice splutters through] Wilf: Captain? Trout: Darling! Wilf: What? [Trout blushes] Pilchard: Wilf, where are you? Biker: We're on a near by forest moon. Hand: Is Layher there? Layher: I'm here. Hand: We're on Condor. Pilchard: We are trapped on this metal moon. There is a shed on Condor which will shut down the shield, so we can escape. Biker: We'll go and find it. Oh, and by the way. Pilchard: Yes. Biker: I have some disturbing news for you. It appears that Geordie Git has been killed. [There is a moment of silence.] Pilchard: I shall arrange a funeral when we are back. How did he die? Biker: He chased a guard, who could have told everyone about us. Pilchard: It is good to hear that. We will contact you later. Pilchard out. [Pilchard flicks off the communicator.] Gunian: Hey! Look what I've just found. Trout: What? Gunian: More tea! Pilchard: Mr. Wok. Perhaps you can now tell us what you are doing here. Wok: Well.... [Picture starts to go all fuzzy, then we enter flash-back mode. We can still hear Wok's voice over.] Wok: As you know. I fell asleep during our encounter with the Baud, and my body was sent to Romanulas. Whilst I was there, I thought about re-uniting my people with those. However, this large battle station arrived one day, and took me prisoner. [The scene changes back to the room. There is banging on the door.] Voice on other side of the door: Hey, you in there. Open up! Sister Mulu: We're doomed! [Scene cuts to the Forest. Biker, Woof, Atad, Checkup, CthroughU, RU2, Hand, Chewie and the un-named blokes are looking at the shed.] Biker: Well, there does appear to be only one way in or out. Polo: And there's no guards. Chewie: Roar. Polo: Yeah. I bet. Checkup: Vhat did 'e say? Polo: He said Roar! CthroughU: He claimed that they may be a very strong lock on the door though, and possibly a few guards on the other side. Biker: How did you know that? CthroughU: I am fluent in over... Polo: Please! Don't start him off. Woof: How do we open the door then? CthroughU: RU2 is equipped with a swiss army knife, for small incidents like this. Perhaps he can open it. Polo: Right. Woof, me, Chewie and a few of the un-named blokes will stand guard. RU2 and CthroughU you come with us. The rest of you stay here. Atad: Me with fine seems that. [Polo, Woof, Chewie, RU2, CthroughU and a few of the un-named blokes walk down slowly. A small paper clip appears from RU2's side, and he starts to pick the lock. Scene cuts to a corridor on Metal Moon. A troop of StonedTroopers are walking along. They pass, and Obscene emerges from the shadows. He looks up and down the corridor then continues on his way. Scene cuts to room with Pilchard and crew in. They are all standing ready, as the door is forced open. 7 StonedTroopers run in (and one bangs his head on the door, but you aren't supposed to see that!). Yoga lifts 6 of them up, whilst Fluke lifts the last one.] Yoga: [To Fluke] Good. Good. Fluke: I can hold him! Yoga: Feel the Course. Flow through you. Fluke: I can. I can feel something. Yoga: You must feel the Course around you. Between the floor, and the ceiling, and the door, and [He pauses] and between you and the StonedTrooper. [Pilchard takes out his Ray-gun, and kills all 7 of the guards in one go.] Yoga: Or that is another way. [Pilchard's communicator bleeps.] Pilchard: [Into comm.] Yes Biker: [Via Comm.] Captain. We are almost through the door to the shed, and we should in there a few moments. We should have the shield down in a few minutes after that. Pilchard: Very good. We shall start back. [Pilchard switches off his comm.] Pilchard: Come on. Let's go. [Scene cuts to Forest moon of Condor. The door swings open, and several hundred StonedTroopers run out.] Biker: It's a trap! [The Troopers grab Polo, RU2, Chewie, CthroughU, Woof and the several un-named blokes, and shoot the un-named blokes.] Trooper Leader: Where are the rest of your people? Polo: There is no more. Trooper Leader: We'll see. [Shouting] If the rest of you don't show yourselves in 15 seconds, we shall shoot these. Biker: [Quietly] What do we do now? [Scene cuts to Obscene on the Metal Moon. He is walking down a corridor. He turns a corner, and standing there is Barth Hater.] Barth: I've been waiting for you Obscene. We meet again. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was just a learner, now I am the tutor. Obscene: We'll see! [Obscene pulls out a fluorescent tube from under his cape, and ignites it.] Hater: Oh! [Hater pulls out one too.] Hater: Obscene do not let yourself be killed. You have not discovered your importance. Obscene: I know enough. Hater: You were never told what happened to your father! Obscene: I've heard that line somewhere before. Hater: Enough talk. [They both clash their tubes together in a great clash of sound and light. Scene cuts to another corridor. Pilchard, Trout, Wok, Bones, Sister Mulu, Gunian, Fluke, Layher and Yoga are running down it.] Pilchard: Look. The ship is this way. Fluke: I'm telling you. We were supposed to turn left at the cell block. Trout: But we did turn left. Fluke: Oh. Yoga: Do not let your action lead you to the slightly-rippled greyish side of the Course. Once you start down the that path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Like it did Obscene's apprentice. Fluke: Hater? Pilchard: Look. Can we discuss this when we get back to the ship. Now, we have rescue the crew. [Scene cuts to Hater and Obscene. They are still fighting. Scene cuts back to Pilchard and crew. They have reached a hanger not very far away from the ship. Scene cuts to the Forest. Biker and the others still have not yet shown themselves.] Trooper Leader: 6, 5, 4, 3, 2... [Suddenly, a bugle sounds in the distance, and a several teddy-bears jump up from the undergrowth. They leap on the Troopers, and Woof manages to escape. He hits the trooper holding Chewie, who also escapes. More teddy-bears appear and join in the fight. Geordie Git walks over to Biker.] Geordie Git: Why aye mon! Biker: GEORDIE! Am I glad to see you! Geordie: I fought so, mon. Biker: What happened? Geordie: It's lioke a leing storie mon, but I's was rescd ba Fuzzy Wuuzy's. Biker: [Pointing at the teddy-bears] Are those the Fuzzy Wuzzies? Geordie: Aye! [In the battle, Polo also managed to get free. Him, Woof and Chewie run into the shed. Inside is a large lever, marked "Energy Shield Switch". Chewie pulls it down, then rips it out of it's socket. Scene cuts to Control Room on Metal Moon. All hell is breaking loose.] Controller 1: Sir, we've lost out shield. Bloke in Charge: What? Do you mean we're defenseless? Controller 1: Yes sir. Bloke in Charge: I shall go and tell Lord Hater. [Scene cuts to room overlooking the hanger. Pilchard has got his communicator out.] Biker: [Via comm.] ...and the shield is down. Pilchard: Right. We're going. [Pilchard, Trout, Wok, Bones, Sister Mulu, Gunian, Fluke, Layher, Yoga and the rest of the crew run across the landing bay, towards the battle section. Fluke spots Obscene fighting with Hater.] Fluke: No! [Obscene looks over at Fluke, then raises his tube. Hater swings at him, but just as Hater's tube is about to hit Obscene, it flies from his hands. Obscene looks over at Yoga, who is smiling. Obscene runs over to where Fluke is, and they all run aboard the battle section. Scene cuts to battle bridge. Everyone takes their positions.] Pilchard: I hope Biker got that shield out of commission, else this'll be one short trip. O.K. Ensign. Hit it! [We see the Easy-Pies battle section shoot off down the landing bay, and out into space. Scene cuts to Hater's private chambers. He is talking to the Umpire again.] Umpire: Did you get the information you needed from their ship Hater? I'm taking an awful risk. This had better work. [Scene cuts to Battle Bridge.] Ensign at controls: Captain. We unidentified ships closing in. Pilchard: Attack them. [Scene cuts to exterior view of battle section. 5 PIE fighters are firing. Scene cuts to cockpit of one of the PIE fighters.] Pilot: Apple Squadron. Proceed with firing. [Cut back to exterior shot. 5 ray-gun blasts kill the PIE fighters. Scene cuts to battle bridge.] Pilchard: Lay in a course to pick up Biker and the others. [Scene cuts to battle section in orbit around Condor. Cut to a transporter room. Biker, Polo, Chewie, CthroughU, RU2, Woof, Atad, Checkup and Geordie Git are beamed aboard.] Pilchard: Nice to have you back, Wilf. Biker: Thank you captain. [Scene cuts to battle bridge. Wilf enters, as does the rest of his team, and they all take seats.] Pilchard: Well Wilf. It seems that we shall have to apply for a new saucer section again. Biker: Won't Star Control be a little angry about us loosing a second one? Pilchard: No. We lost it fighting for the ship, and for the universe. Biker: That's true. [Suddenly, the form of Barth Hater matterilaizes on the bridge.] Obscene: Barth! How did you get here? Hater: I nicked one of your transporter pads. [Hater grabs onto to Polo, then disappears, taking Polo with him.] Layher: He's taken Hand! [Scene cuts to Fluke's room. He is here alone. The image of Hater appears, as he matterilaizes.] Fluke: Hater! Hater: Young Skywater. You have only just to begun the powers which you possess. Obscene never told you about me, did he? Fluke: he told me enough. He told me you nicked my Library books. Hater: No. I am your sister! Fluke: No! That's not true. That's impossible! Hater: search your feelings you know it to be true! Fluke: Layher. Hear me please. Hater: Hey, if your calling for help, I'm going. [Hater vanishes, and layher runs in.] Layher: What's wrong? Fluke: It's Hater. He was here. Layher: He was on the bridge too. He took Hand. Fluke: What would he want with hand? [Scene cuts to battle bridge. On the main viewer is Hater.] Hater:...And I have frozen the form of Hand Polo, to be delivered safely to Jaffa the Cake. [The transmission ends.] Obscene: It appears that Polo owes Jaffa the Cake some money. Pilchard: Ensign. Any sign of the disturbance? Ensign at checking-for-time-space-disturbance-station: No sir. Pilchard: Well, seeing as we can't get back to our own universe, I suppose we can help out Hand. Ensign. Set a course for Jaffa's place. Twerp 9. Biker: I got a real bad feeling about this. Pilchard: Yeah. Join the club. ... To be Continuumed. Going Boldly: Far Far Away 5 (c) 1994 Captain Slog First Published via Silicon Heaven BBS and TrekNET.