Going Boldly: Far-far-Far-Far-Far away. Chapter 6. Woman's voice: Last time on Going Boldly: Far Far away chapter 5... Scrolly type thingy: Fleeing from the Umpire's forces, Hand polo and his crew were forced to seek refuse inside a strange Time-Space distor....On no! That was last times...Hold on a mo' I'm sure it's here somewhere... I mean this whole thing is far easier if you actually bother to read the other stories, I mean this is a trilogy after all and I suppose you've just jumped here without bothering to read chapters 4 and 5 haven't you. I know how your sort of minds work, I suppose you've been thinking about sex as well eh? You're sitting there thinking "why don't they just get on with the story instead of pratting around with all this last-time rubbish, well let me tell you something. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal mad-man comes after you with a bunch of Loaderberries, don't come crying to me. But just look at this. All these lines gone already and nothing has even been said. What's the bloody point? Well you see, I'm making this story up as I go along, and I can't think of a way to start it. I mean any suggestions would be appreci... [The scrolly thing suddenly disappears. New scrolly thing appears.] New scrolly thing: GOING BOLDLY Chapter 6: Far far far far far away. Evading an attack from the Umpires Shower Destroyers, the S.C.S.C.S.S. Easy-Pies separates and enters the time-space distortion. The saucer section, commanded by Wilfred Biker crash landed on a near-by forest moon of Condor, whilst the battle section was taken in to the dreaded weapon..The Metal Moon. Escaping from the wreckage, Wilf and his band started to make their way through the jungle, unaware of the danger above them. Captain Timothy Pilchard and his crew were captured by Barth Hater, but managing to escape found themselves in a small storage area. Also they found Mr. Wok who they believe missing from a previous encounter from the Baud. Yoga, the Yeti Master who freed them started to teach Fluke SkyWater the way's of the Course. Obscene Kenobi discovered that there was a great shield preventing them from leaving, and that the origin of this shield was down on Condor. Wilf and his band staged a great act of heroism and brought the shield down, whilst Obscene fought with his old friend Hater. After picking up Wilf and his band, the image of Hater appeared on the he bridge and kidnaped Hand Polo, then he appeared before Fluke, giving him some terrible news. Finally it was revealed that Hand owed money to Jaffa the Cake, and he had been frozen and was to be delivered to Jaffa. Discovering they had no way to return, Pilchard decided that the best course of action was to face Jaffa the Cake, and plead from Hand's life, and save the galaxy... [Scene cuts to exterior shot of Metal Moon. There is a shuttle flying towards it. Cut to shot of landing bay. Tons and tons of people are here. The shuttle lands, and we zoom in on a commander.] Commander: Inform Lord Hater that the Umpire has arrived. [A little man runs off, and the shuttle door opens. Hater walks towards the shuttle, and an old frail man (wearing a flat cap and tweed jacket) gets off.] Old Man: Are we at the station yet? Hater: What are you doing on this shuttle? [Old man holds a hand to his ear.] Old man: Eh? Hater: What are you doing on this shuttle? Old Man: You'll have to speak up. Hater: What are you doing on this shuttle? Old Man: I used my senior-Citizen pass. I'm 162 you know. Hater: Look can you clear off. I'm expecting the Umpire. Old Man: Oh, sorry. Can you tell me where the shops are? [Another man walks off the shuttle. This is the Umpire.] Hater: My Lord. Umpire: Arise. My Friend. Old Man: Look I only want to return my library books. Commander: The library is over there. [He points towards the garbage compactor.] Old Man: Thank you. Hater: The plan is proceeding as I foresaw. Umpire: Very well. You have done well Lord Hater, but now I sense that you wish to continue your search for Young Skywater. Patients. For the Yeti it is time to eat. Come on. I know a great burger bar. [They walk off. Scene cuts to a desert. Atad and CthroughU are walking along here.] CthroughU: Of course I'm worried, and you should be too. Atad: Feelings of incapable am I. CthroughU: Geordie Git and poor Biker never returned from this awful place. Atad: Status current our of aware already am I know probably you as but, shame vast a is that. CthroughU: Yes but the reader isn't. Atad: True is that. [They have by now reached a door. CthroughU knocks on it. A small eye pops out.] Small eye: Neeee! NuChunga? CthroughU: Necha Wonga Jaffa the Cake. Small eye: Nupto? CthroughU: Oh CthroughU. Small eye? Etch-a-sketch? CthroughU: Nay no, nay na, Atad. Atad: Myself for speaking of capable am I. Small eye: Oh, you speak English? CthroughU: Yes. I am fluent in over... Small eye: Look. What do you want? Atad: Ours of friend a of life the for him with plead and Cake the Jaffa Mr. certain a see to wish we. Small eye: Sorry mate. You must have the wrong place. There ain't no Jaffa the Cake here. Cthroughu: Are you sure? This is 10, The Burrows isn't it? Small eye: No mate. Sorry. This is 15. 10's back that way. CthroughU: Sorry to have disturbed you. [Turns to Atad] Come on. We're going. [Scene cuts to a large portion of space. Suddenly, a Baud ship rolls into view. Scene cuts to interior. There are 3 Baud here, talking.] Baud 1: We are near the last known co-ordinates of the Star Control Super-galaxy Class Star Ship, known as Easy-Pies. Baud 2: We know that. Baud 3: Don't forget that we and all the others like we have access to all the information that we have. Baud 1: There does not appear to be any sign of the said ship now though. Baud 2: We must stay in the area. They shall pay for what they did to our other ship. Baud 3: Yes. If we can re-capture Low-Cuts again we can rule the entire universe. [All three burst into fits of laughter. Scene cuts to exterior shot. We see the Time-Space distortion again. Cut back to inside.] Baud 2: There does appear to be a strange occurrence outside. Baud 1: We have tried all possible speed settings. We cannot log-on to it. Baud 3: Try 19,200 speed. Baud 2: We do not have that speed. Baud 1. What is the status? Baud 1: No carrier. Baud 3: We suggest entering it. The Easy-Pies must be on the other side. Baud 2: Baud 3 has a point. Move us in Ensign Baud 4, nice and slow. Ensign Baud 4: Aye sir. [Exterior shot now. The Baud ship slowly turns and starts to make it's way inside. Cut a very dark room. There are many different creatures inside. We hear the captains voice (although very quietly.)] Pilchard: Captain's Diary. Star Date whenever. Have to make this quick, I am posing as a guard for Jaffa the Cake. [Camera zooms in on a guard. Pilchard tips his hat slightly, to let us know it's him in there.] Pilchard: [Continuing] So far the plan has gone very well indeed. CthroughU and Mr. Atad have managed to get inside, as has Mr. Biker, Geordie Git, Sooty and myself. We are all disguised as... [An alien walks past Pilchard, then stops, and backtracks. He stands, looking into Pilchard's mask, then mutters to himself and walks off.] Pilchard: [Continuing] This is getting too dangerous to talk. I was lucky that time. Next time I may not be. Off. [We can see a large blubbery thing sitting on a throne, eating little wafery biscuits. There is a red haired woman sitting next to him. CthroughU and Atad are bought before Jaffa.] CthroughU: We bring a message from our master, and a gift. Atad: Gift what, gift? CthroughU: This CD-ROM drive. Jaffa the Cake: Nuchuuuuuu. Paaaaanaaa-sonic (R)? CthroughU: No, but I do believe that it does have a SoundBlaster (tm) card attached. Jaffa: Waylooooo nooooop bobbity boo? CthroughU: Ah yes. The message Atad, the message. Atad: It have must you. Message the have not do I. CthroughU: I defiantly gave it to you. Atad: Mistaken are you. CthroughU: Oh no. I left it on the table, near the front airlock. Jaffa: Banther Foda! CthroughU: [Shocked] Oh no! Atad: Wrong is what? CthroughU: He has decreed that we are all to be killed. Atad: Us? CthroughU: yes, and Captain Pilchard, Wilfred Biker, Geordie Git and Sooty who are disguised as guards. [Pilchard, Biker, Geordie Git and Sooty are suddenly grabbed, and thrown in a pit with Atad and CthroughU.] Biker: How can we escape? CthroughU: The chances of escaping are zero. Geordie Git: Yu meen we're stuick 'ere loike? CthroughU: I'm afraid so. Biker: With no hope of ever saving Hand? Atad: No. Pilchard: And when Fluke, Obscene and Yoga arrive, they'll be killed instantly. CthroughU: It appears so. Pilchard: Well, there's only thing left to say. Biker: Which is? Pilchard: Computer. End program, and don't save. [The images fade away, and Biker, Atad, Pilchard, Git, Sooty and CthroughU are left sitting on the bare floor.] Pilchard: Well, that's another rescue attempt cocked up. Biker: Well sir. If we practice hard enough, we may get it right one day. Pilchard: I think we'll just have to scrap all chances of saving Hand. [The Hologram Simulation Suite doors open, and Ronnie NatWest walks in.] Ronnie: Hhhhh Hhhhhhh Hhhhhhhh Hhhhhhhhhh Hhhhhhhhh Greetings! [They all walk out. Scene cuts to Battle Bridge. Trout has control. Weasel, Woof, Obscene Kenobi and Mr. Wok are here, as are several Un-named people. Pilchard and Biker walk in from the Xpress lift.] Biker: I can't see another alternative captain. We may need Hand's help to get out of this universe. Pilchard: [Sitting in his seat] But you've seen the results. It's just to risky. Biker: But we have to try. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? Pilchard: Well, 5 times we've ended up in that bloody pit, 7 times we've been eaten alive by Jaffa himself and that time with the sheep doesn't even bear thinking about. Wok: Fascinating! Woof: Shut up! Biker: But we have to do something. Weasel: Permission to get involved in argument sir? Biker: Permission denied. Now, keep on looking where you're going. Pilchard: Wilf. I've just had an idea. Come with me into my little super-deluxe-captains-only room please. [They leave. Scene cuts to Metal Moon. We go inside now. The Umpire is sitting in a huge great chair. Hater approaches.] Umpire: Yes my friend? Hater: I have...a question. Umpire: Yes. I know. I can read your mind. You want to know why I have come here, don't you? Hater: Yes. Umpire: My doctor said I needed to take a break from work. Somewhere nice and relaxing he suggested. Hater: I see. [Scene cuts to desert again. Weasel is here, walking towards the main door. Scene cuts to the door itself. Weasel approaches and knocks loudly.] Voice from inside: We don't any thank you! Weasel: Sorry? Voice: Double glazing. We're fully done thanks. Weasel: What do you mean? I can't see any windows here at all. Voice: Well...Er...Yes. That's why we don't any Double Glazing, we haven't got any windows to double glaze. Weasel: I was... Voice: We don't want any toilet brush heads either. Weasel: Eh? Voice: Or anything thank you. We're fully stocked up on those. Weasel: I actually came to see... Voice: We haven't any money to give you for a donation either, sorry. Weasel: I'm not collecting money. I'm... Voice: Or insurance. The place is fully insured. Weasel: Look. I'm here to... Voice: Or the drive resurfaced, our drainpipes cleaned, the car washed. There's not even a bob-a-bloody-job to be done. Weasel: I came to see Mr. Cake. Voice: Oh why didn't you say so. Come on in. [The door opens. Weasel walks inside. Inside a strange looking man approaches Weasel] Man: Nola upta Jaffa? Weasel: Ermmm. Wobble! Man: Nughtertur! Nip nip nippity pooo. Weasel: Look, just take me to see Jaffa will ya? Man: SHURCHERT! Idiot! Pulsating Blabbers! Weasel: Do I know you? Man: Guards! [Two burly guards appear] Man: Nup chup a Jaffa, nippity boo. [The guards grab Weasel, and drag him before Jaffa.] Jaffa: Mucha Mucha! [CthroughU runs from behind Jaffa.] CthroughU: Here I am your worship. Weasel: I am Weasel Pusher. Complete tit, and friend of Hand Polo. I know your power is great oh mighty Jaffa, and that your anger with Polo must be equally powerful, but I offer a present. Me. Humiliate and pull my nipples till they explode if you wish, but please let him go. Jaffa: Nuppity poo poo. CthroughU: His high exultedness, the great Jaffa the Cake says that there shall be now bargain. Weasel: Oh shit. Jaffa: [Subtitled] This tit has courage. He's my type of prisoner. CthroughU: He has decreed that there will an exchange. Hand Polo shall be freed, in exchange for this person being killed. [Hand is released, and thrown outside, whilst Weasel is dragged down to a cell.] Hand: Hello? Is anyone there? I can't see. [Scene cuts to another piece of desert. Fluke, Obscene and Yoga are waiting here.] Obscene: He's been released. Yoga: Go then we must, but remember. Once we start down the desert path for ever will it dominate out existence. Like it did that tit. Fluke: Weasel? [Yoga nods. Obscene and Fluke run down to Hand. Scene cuts to Weasel in a cell. He has been chopped into tiny little pieces, then eaten by the Rancore Monster, then spit out. Slowly, the parts start to join together, and the form of Weasel starts to take shape. He runs up and opens the door, which isn't locked. He then runs off down the corridor. He turns a corner, and runs straight into a guard. Scene cuts to Jaffa's main chamber. Weasel is dragged in.] Jaffa: [Translated] Oh no. How did he get back to together again? I thought we killed him well and good. Weasel: I'm not out yet! Jaffa: [Translated] We'll see. GUARDS! Bring in his friends. [Scene cuts to outside of door. Fluke, Obscene and Hand are grabbed by Guards, and dragged inside. Cut to main chamber. CthroughU comes running out from behind Jaffa to translate.] Jaffa: Nuffity nuffity pudding and pie. CthroughU: His greatness Jaffa the Cake has decreed that you are to be stoned to death. Hand: Good, I hate long waits. Jaffa: Noop noop. Schnortle Kasplat. Boingity bounce. CthroughU: [Under his breath] Oh dear. [Back to normal] He has said that you are to be taken outside. There you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly stoned over a thousand years. [The Door suddenly burst's in, and Yoga walks in.] Yoga: Release them you must. Jaffa: [Translated] [In a Trance] RELEASE..THEM..I..MUST Fluke: Quick, let's get out of here! Hand: Wait, I've got to put down some explosives, to blow this place up. Obscene: Hurry. Yoga can't keep them occupied for much longer. Yoga: If one train leaves Oldernaan at quarter past zeldoph, and another leaves Doniteen at half past Scrunduge, when will they both meet? [Hand lays down some explosives, whilst Fluke, Obscene and CthroughU make a run for it. Hand finishes placing them, then turns to Yoga.] Hand: Let's go! [Yoga and Hand run out just as the building explodes.] Fluke: We made it! CthroughU: Oh dear. It would appear that Mr. Pusher hasn't made it. [Through the explosion, Weasel comes flying down and lands on the sand.] Weasel: Hi! [Scene cuts to Battle Bridge of the Easy-Pies.] Hand: Captain. We must set a course to join up with the Revolting Society. Pilchard: Lay in a course Ensign. Weasel: Yes sir. [Scene cuts to Exterior shot of Metal Moon. The Time-Space distortion is near by, with the Baud ship slowly making it's way through. Cut to Umpire's chamber. Hater walks in.] Hater: You called my master. Umpire: Take the fleet to the far side of Condor. There is shall stay until I tell it to move. Hater: And what of this strange ship approaching? Umpire: It is of no concern. Soon the revoltion will be crushed, and young Skywater with them. Hater: If you insist. Umpire: I know it will! Hater: Alright then. [Scene cuts to Revolting Society's HeadQuarters. There are tons of ships flying around, and things. Cut to interior briefing room. Hand is sitting here, as is Layher, Fluke, Pilchard, Biker, Woof, Weasel, Gunian, Sister Mulu, Atad, Yoga, Obscene, and several un-named Blokes. A woman walks in, and calls the meeting to order.] Woman: The Umpire has made a critical error and the time for our attack is half-past twelve. Admiral Backpub. [A strange man walks out, and takes over. On the table, a hologram appears of the Metal Moon.] Backpub: You can see here the Metal Moon orbiting the forest moon of Condor. Although the weapon systems on this battle station are fully functional we are still going to attack it. Our cruiser will form a perimeter while the fighters go inside. General Orders. [Another man walks out, and take over. A screen behind shows a computer simulation of the surface of the Metal Moon.] Orders: You are required to maneuver into this trench and skim the surface to this point! [A picture shows a slight bump in the floor.] Orders: You must then lift up slightly, and continue, until you reach here. [The picture shows a small fighter flying down a trench, and dropping a bomb before being splattered on the wall surface.] Orders: Any questions? [Weasel turns to Yoga] Weasel: What time did the first train leave? [Biker smacks him round the head, cause no body likes him.] Pilchard: What are the chances? Orders: Better than average. Sister Mulu: May we all join in for a sing-a-long? Pilchard: No! Some Bloke at the back: What weapons will we be using? Orders: Admiral? Backpub: The chamber is ray-shielded, so you'll have to use useless torpedoes. [Slight murmer of unsatisfaction.] Another bloke: But that's impossible, ever for a computer. Biker: It's not impossible. I used to bullseye Weasel back in our space. He's not much more of an idiot. [Slight rumble of satisfaction.] Backpub: Then man your ships, and may the Course be with you. [Scene cuts to main docking area. Pilchard, Geordie Git, Sooty and Biker are loading up 17 shuttlecrafts to prepare for the assault. Scene cuts to Metal Moon, in the Umpires chamber.] Hater: You called, my master? Umpire: I have been meditating, and have foreseen the location of the secret rebel base. Set course to intercept. Hater: Yes my master. [Scene cuts to main Revolting Society's hanger. Fluke is talking to Biker.] Biker: But, that's suicide. Fluke: I must go. Biker: Why? If you go to the Metal Moon, you'll be destroyed when it get's blown up. Fluke: I have to go. He's my sister. Layher: What? Fluke: Yes. he told me the other night. Layher: But, why must you go? Fluke: I will endanger the attack. He can feel my presence. Biker: I wish I could feel HIS presence. Weasel: But, why give him a gift in the first place? [Pilchard hit's Weasel round the head.] Pilchard: Presence. Not presents. Weasel: Oh. Biker: I mean, his helmet is so big. Layher: Didn't Spaceballs do that joke? Pilchard: Yes, but after all, this is supposed to be a green story. Weasel: Green? Pilchard: Yes. Environmentally friendly. All the jokes are recycled. Weasel: Oh. Fluke: If we could get back to the matter at hand. Polo: Oh yeah. Sorry. Layher: So, what's the plan? Bones: What am I? A doctor or a ... Fluke: Well, I'll try to turn him over. If it doesn't work, I'll escape. Fair enough? Layher: Good luck. [Scene cut's to a strange platform type thingy, where Hater is standing. A door at the end opens and a few StonedTroopers, a bloke in a drab grey uniform and Fluke walk out.] Man: Lord. This is a rebel BASTARD that surrendered to us. Although he denies, I believe that there is a base near here. Hater: Thank you. You are dismissed. [Fluke starts to walk out.] Hater: No, not you. [The man in the drab costume walks out. Hater and Fluke walk down a corridor.] Hater: I've been expecting you. Fluke: I know, sister. Hater: So you've finally excepted the truth? Fluke: The truth that you were once Anadin Skywater, my sister. Hater: That name no longer has any meaning for me. Fluke: But it's the name of your true self. You've only forgotten. I feel the good in you sister. Join with me and together we shall rule as Sister and Brother. Hater: The Umpire is your master now. He will teach you the definition of things. [Scene cut's to Rebel main hanger. Pilchard is talking to Atad.] Pilchard: So remember. The battle section is the most important thing. You and the rest of the crew MUSt stay with it. Me, Wilf, Mulu, Geordie, Sooty, Weasel, Bones, Woof, Wok and Trout will be in the attack group. You are in charge, and you must not let anyone else join in. If we die, you are to proceed back to our own space. Understand? Atad: Sir understood. Pilchard: Good. [Camera pans back, and we see most of the ships start to take off, and leave the place. Cut to inside a cockpit.] Voice 1: [Off screen] All wings report in. Voice 2: Red 4 standing by. Voice 17: Brown 27 standing by. Voice 137: Crimson 5 standing by. Voice 16: Duck egg blue standing by. [Scene cut's to a large cruiser with Backpub, Pilchard, Mulu and several other people in.] Backpub: Lock E-Foils in attack postion, and engage. Pilchard: [Flicking hand] Enagage. [Scene cut's to Wilf's shuttle. He, Geordie and Sooty are here.] Wilf: Look at the size of that thing! Geordie: Why aye! I's loike abit o'privacy wen I'm at d'toilet! [Scene cut's to Umpire's room. Hater and Fluke are brought in.] Umpire: So young Skywater. By now you realize that your sister cannot be saved. Neither will you when I've finished with you. Fluke: Soon I'll be dead and you with me. Umpire: I suppose you mean your attack due soon? Yes I know about it. Meet our new...Alies! [4 Baud's walk in.] Fluke: Who are you? Umpire: Only the most efective fighting team ever created. They will be helping us to destroy your friends. Now my young apprentice, sit and watch. [Scene cut's to main cruiser.] Backpub: All wings prepare for Hyperspace. Pilchard: Why not use Twerp? Backpub: It's not in our universe yet. May the course be with us. Mulu: And praise the Lord! [The ships Whoooosh off. Scene cuts to Umpire's main chamber. Fluke is sitting in front of a telly.] Umpire: Poor fool. Only now at the end do you realise. Fluke: I'm not finished yet. Umpire: But, you have my whole collection of Babylon 5 programmes to watch. Fluke: No! That's not true! That's IMPOSSIBLE!! [Flukes eyes scan the room. He spots his Flourscent tube, near the Umpire.] Umpire: [Touching the tube] You want this don't you? Take it. Strike out at the Telly and your journey towards the slightly greyish rippled side will be complete. [Fluke turns back to the telly, gritting his teeth.] Sincair: [Over the telly] I've known you for 65 years. You've never reacted like this before. [Scene cuts to main cruiser.] Pilchard: Take your time don't you? [Yoga walks on] Backpub: You can see here, our hyperspace emition coils. Although our Twerp engines are not yet operational. Yoga: make yu go faster can I. Yessssss. [Scene cut's to a small shuttle emerging from Hyperpsace, near the Metal Moon. A voice rings out.] Voice: We have you on our scopes. Please identify yourselves. [Scene cut's to inside. Layher, Obscene, Weasel, Woof, Wok, Bones and Trout are inside.] Layher: This is Shuttle Delierous. We have medical supllies for the Metal Moon. Voice: And your sure your not rebel spies? Layher: No. Voice: Hmmmm. Oh. Alright then. Come on in. [Scene cut's to Umpires chamber. Fluke is still watching Babylon 5. He glances back to his tube, and it flies across to him. He flicks it on, and lashes towards the telly. Hater flicks his on and stops him.] Umpire: He he he he. [Fluke jumps backwards, and Hater lashes at where Fluke was.] Hater: Obscene has taught you well. Fluke: Obscene didn't teach me. [Hater lashes again, and Fluke dodges. He leaps up to a hight platform and switches his tube off.] Fluke: I will not fight you. Hater: You have no choice. [Hater throws his tube at Fluke, who pushes it back with the Course.] Umpire: Impressive. Fluke: You think that's good. Watch this. [Fluke does a backward summersault, landing near Hater, jumps forwards, over Hater. Hater spins round to where Fluke was, and Fluke lands behind him.] Umpire: Very good. Fluke: You'll see I'm full of suprises. [Scene cut's to main cruiser. Yoga has finished making the ship go faster, and they emerge out of hyperspeed, near the Metal Moon.] Backpub: You can see here the Metal Moon with us near it. All wing's report in. Voice 39: Tangerine 6 standing by. [Scene cut's back to Umpires chambers. Fluke is standing near the Umpire, near a table, folding paper. He holds up a bird.] Umpire: very very impressive. Fluke: You think that's good? Watch this. [He proceeds to make a plane, and throws it down the room. Scene cut's to exterior. Several of the H Wing's are flying around, avoiding guns and so forth. Scene cut's to Umpires place. An unnamed bloke in a drab suit walks in.] Bloke: Sir, several ships have entered our space and are attacking. But, they are small enough to avoid our lasers. Umpire: We shall destory them ship to ship. Launch all fighters. [Exterior shot. PIE fighter's are launched. Cut to main cruiser.] Some bloke with big eye's: Sir! Imperial ship's are approching. Voice 56: [Over comm] I can't shake him. Voice 49: [Over comm] Stay on target. Voice 3: [Over comm] I'm on him. [Several blasts hit out.] Voice 6: [Over comm] Good shot Jackson. Jackson: [Over comm] Yeah! [Singing] I'm bad, I'm bad.. [Scene cut's to Wilf's shuttle.] Geordie: Why aye! Im a pickin' uip a bogey Voice of enemy: [Over comm] You dirty rat! [Scene cut's to another cockpit.] Bloke in cockpit: This is Gold squad. We're starting out approach. [Exterior shot. 3 O wing's break off formation and head towards the trench. Camera follows, and bounces up and down.] Gold 3: Stay on target. Gold 2: Sir, those guns. They've stopped. Gold 1: Stabalize rear deflectors. Watch for enemy fighters. Gold 5: Coming in. Two marks and 3 tens. Gold 10: Where? [We see 5 PIE fighter's fly down and blow up all the O wing's bar 1.] Gold 4: Control. Lost Starsky. Lost Hutch. [Scene cut's to Umpire's place. Hater and Fluke are attacking each other again. That bloke with the drab uniform returns.] Bloke: Sir. We need reenforcment's. Hater: [Stops fighting, and look's at Umpire.] I shall deal with them myself. [Hater get's up and walks out.] Umpire: And now, you shall die! [Lightning flies from Umpire's fingers, striking Fluke. Scene cut's to exterior shot. 5 Shower Destroyers appear.] Pilchard: Only the fighter's are attacking. I wonder what the Shower Destroyer's are doing. [Scene cut's to Shower Destroyer's main bridge.] Bloke: Sir, we're in position. Commander: Stay here. Bloke: We're not going to attack? Commander: I have my orders from the Umpire. He has something special in mind. [Scene cut's to Umpire's room. Fluke is still being hit with lightening. A voice enter's Fluke's head.] Voice: Fluke. Fluke: Obscene? Voice: Use the Course Fluke! Fluke: BEN!!!!! Where are you? Obscene: Right behind you! Fluke: What are you doing here? Obscene: We came aboard in a stolen shuttle. Umpire: Curses! [Scene cut's to exterior shot. A Baud ship suddenly appears. Pilchard wet's his pants.] Backpub: Eh? Mauve 5: [Over comm] Control. Did you see that? Backpub: Yes. Call off the attack. Mauve 5: We've got to destroy that thing. We won't get another chance. Pilchard: We can't repel assimilation of that manitude! [Baud ship fires on a medical friagate and destoys it.] Mauve 5: We've got to give them more time. [Scene cut's to Umpire's chambers. Umpire fires Lightening at Obscene. Fluke forces it back. Umpire fires at Fluke. Obscene fires it back. Umpire fires on Trout. Obscene and Fluke fire it back.] Umpire: Hey! Give me a chance! Obscene: Fluke. You and the others go. Now. I'll keep him busy. Fluke: But I want to stay. Obscene: Your destiny lies along a diferent path than mine. [Obscene fires lightening at Umpire.] Fluke: Come on. Let's go. [Cut to exterior shot. Another group of Wings's are flying down the tunnel. They fly over the bump, and carry on. They approach the hole. The leader fires a missile. It hit's, but doesn't go in. The Baud ship fires another shot and destroys a Shower Destroyer. Cut to main cruiser.] Backpub: They shot it! Pilchard: It doesn't mean anything. They'll destroy the lot of us. Backpub: All wings. Concentrate all fire power on that Baud ship. [Cut back to interior of Metal Moon. Fluke and co are running into a Shuttle. Cut to a small G Wing which is flown by an un-named pilot. It is obvious that he is about to crash.] Un-Named Pilot: She's gonna blow! [Cut to external shot as it crashes into the Baud ship. Cut to Main Cruiser. Biker is talking to Pilchard over the comm.] Biker: Captain. We can't hold out much longer. Pilchard: Wilf. Move your shuttle into postion. Biker: [Over comm] O.K. Geordie, Sooty. We're going in, we're going in full throttle. [Cut to exterior. The shuttles move to the trench, and fly off. Cut to main shuttle bay on the Metal Moon. A shuttle is moving off, dodging pieces of falling rubble. Cut back to trench. Hater's shuttle is flying behind Biker.] Hater: The Course is strong in this one. [We see the shuttle fly out to safety. Cut to Umpire's chamber. The Umpire pulls out a florescent tube and kills Obscene. He turns and shouts into a microphone.] Umpire: Commander. You may fire when ready. [Cut to Main Cruiser.] Backpub: Their preparing to attack! Move ALL fighter's out of the way. Prepare to retreat. Pilchard: [Into Comm] Wilf. This is it. How much further? Geordie Git: Why Aye! I dunna 'ave a cluu mon. Biker: Captain, we are almost there. Pilchard: Wilf. If you don't hit it, then move back to the base. Biker: O.K. [Cut to Hater's shuttle. We can see the shuttles very close to the hole. Hater lines himself up to blow Biker up, when suddenly his escorts are blown away.] Hater: What? [Cut to external scene. Battle section blazing out of the sun.] Atad: Ha-Yee. [The battle section hit's the other escort for Hater and he flies off, spining round.] Atad: Home go and joint this blow us let. Commander clear all are you. [Cut to end of trench. The shuttle approaches it and fires a useless torpedo into it. It goes in.] Atad: Million a in one was that kid shot nice. Wok: Actually, the statistics show that the actual chance of hitting it was 1:54,764,556. [Cut to main hanger on the base. Many of the ships are returning. Fluke steps out from his shuttle, and runs to RU2 (who was badly damaged.)] Fluke: RU2? Atad: Them donate gladly will I, help will gears my of any if. Pilchard: How can we escape this universe? Yoga: Looking? Help I can. Yessss. Find Wormhole. Take you home will that. Pilchard: Is there a wormhole near by? Yoga: Not far. Wormhole not far. Take you to it can I. Biker: Fluke. What will the Rebellion do now? Fluke: Well, seeing the Metal Moon blow up, the Baud left, so we've no threats from them for a while. Biker: So, you're staying here? Fluke: No. Hater knows where this place is. Trout: But he's dead. Fluke: No. Not yet. Hand: We're planning on moving to Scoth. They'll never find us there. And we'll team up with the new smuggler. Layher: Whose that? Hand: Tarrot Card. Pilchard: Well, Wilf. We can't sit round here all day. We better be off. Layher: Wait! Before you go, we would like to thank you for what you've done. [Cut to a large assembly hall. Biker, Pilchard and Atad are walking down. Trout is standing at the bottom with Layher. As they reach half way, Biker roars, and the guards in the room turn round. They reach the poduim and are awarded medals, before flying home.] The End May the Course Be With You. Coming soon (or it may even be out by the time you read this...) Far-Far Away chapter 7. Hair to the Umpire. First published in 1994 by Silicon Heaven BBS and Treknet. (c) 1994, 2001 Captain T J Slog.