Scully's Journal

Opening

For the first time, I feel time like a heartbeat. The seconds pumping in my breast like a reckoning. The numinous mysteries that once seemed so distant and unreal threatening clarity, and the presence of the truth entertained not in youth, but only in its passage. I feel these words as if their meaning were weight being lifted from me. Knowing that you will read them, and share my burden as I have come to trust no other. That you should know my heart, look into it, finding there the memory and experience that belong to you, that are you, is a comfort to me now, as I feel the tethers loose, and the prospects darken for the continuance of a journey that began not so long ago, and which began again with a faith shaken and strengthened by your convictions. If not for which I might never have been so strong now, as I cross to face you, and look at you in complete, hoping that you will forgive me for not making the rest of the journey with you.

Second Entry

In med school, I learned that cancer arrives in the body unannounced, a dark stranger who takes up residence, turning its new home against itself. This is the evil of cancer, that it starts as an invader, but soon becomes one with the invaded, forcing you to destroy it, but only at the risk of destroying yourself. It is science's demon possesion, my treatment, science's attempted exorcism. Mulder, I hope that in these terms you might know it, and know me. And accept this stranger so many recognize but cannot ever completely cast out. And if the darkness should have swallowed me as you read this, you must never think that there was the possibility of some secret intervention, something you might have done. And though we've traveled far together, this last distance must necessarily be traveled alone.

Third Entry

I have not written to you in the last twenty-four hours because the treatment has weakened my spirit as well as my body. Mulder, it's difficult to describe to you the fear of facing an enemy which I can neither conquer nor escape. Penny Northern has taken a downturn. I now look at her with a respect that can only come from one who is about to walk the same dark path. Seeing her, I can't help but see myself in a month or a year. I pray that I have her courage to face this journey. Mulder, I feel you close, though I know you're now pursuing your own path, and for that I am grateful more than I can ever express. I need to know you're out there, if I am ever to see through this.

MIDI FILE NOW PLAYING:
Stay - Shakespear's Sister
[MULDER TO SCULLY]
if this world is wearing thin
and you're thinking of escape
i'll go anywhere with you
just wrap me up in chains
but if you try to go all alone
don't think I'll understand

stay with me, stay with me.

in the silence of your room
in the darkness of your dreams
you must only think of me
there can be no in-between
when your pride is on the floor
I'll make you beg for more

stay with me, stay with me.

[EVIL FORCE=CANCER TO SCULLY]
you'd better hope and pray
that you make it safe
back to your own world
you'd better hope and pray
that you'll wake one day
in your own world
cuz when you sleep at night
they don't hear your cries
in your own world
only time will tell
if you can break the spell
back in your own world

[MULDER TO SCULLY]
stay with me, stay with me.
stay, stay with me.
stay, stay, stay, stay, stay
stay with me, stay with me.