FADE IN
OPENING SHOT: A starfield. A ship drifts slowly into view. As it turns on the screen, we see the name NOSTROMO painted in large red letters on its side. Underneath, in smaller green letters it reads 'Survival Pod.'
STOMSKI VO: It was ten-years after the Earthers finally leapt from their cradles and took space, the year Happy Hardcore came upon us all. This is the story of the last survivor of the NOSTROMO, a ship designed to reach beyond the edge of the known universe, bringing Happy Hardcore to all of existance. The year is 2012. The name of the survivor is STOMSKI.
The camera spins round and down, panning under the SURVIVALPOD to reveal that the ships hull is cratered and scarred. The outerdoor to the airlock is open. The camera pans in and up to the window on teh inner door.
continous cut to: Same VP, inside door.
The inside of the SURVIVALPOD is a mess of wires and debris. A stasis pod rests in the corner, a single green light on its base flickering.
As we slow pan up to focus on the name SOMSKI engraved in the casing, a dark and heavy jazz saxaphone solo begins in the background. The camera pans up to show STOMSKI's face under the glass, then left to a cracked monitor on the wall, which switches itself on a hiss of static.
STOMSKI [On Monitor] It began in the late 1990's when it was found that listening to Happy Hardcore prolonged adolesence beyond all previous possible limits. [Monitor cuts to show rocket and launch site] The project, run by a secret, select group within the world governments, headed by a man known only as SLIPMATT, was created to feul mankinds passion and need for the stars, to acheive the ambition of the millenia, to break free of the confines of our galaxy.
The camera pulls in tight on the screen as STOMSKI speaks. When the Monitor cuts to the rocket launch site, so does out main view cut, so that we are no longer watching a monitor, but are at the real thing.
Fire begins to build around the bottom of the rocket.
Cut to inside of control hanger
CANCERMAN: [lighting a cigar] The project is to be protected at all costs.
SLIPMATT: You wouldn't be harbouring some sort of secret adjenda, would you?
CANCERMAN: [Face in shadows] Of course not.
COCHRANE VO: Hey are we ready to go yet?
RIKER VO: Sure are, Mr Cochrane, sir!
GEORDIE VO: Commander! This is an open channel! Remember, we're from the future - we're not supposed to be in this time-frame!
RICKER VO: Oh, right.... Er... What does 'open channel' mean?
TROI VO: Ignore him, Imzadi, its me you want.
COCHRANE VO: Hey, you two, stop that! You're rocking the ship!
SLIPMATT: COCHRANE, prepare to launch!
Suddenly, majestic Agent LOWANGUARD and his fiance the EX-HIVE KIM burst into the room.
LOWANGUARD: Wait - abort the launch!
SLIPMATT: Why?
EX-HIVE KIM: Because you can't see through all those Dark-Skies. I'm ex-hive you know.
LOWANGUARD: No, that's not it. But she is ex-hive.
SLIPMATT: We must launch now!
LOWANGUARD: Not till you put this tape onboard!
LOWANGUARD whips a copy of SOMSKI Vol 1. from his pocket.The EX-HIVE KIM gasps, raises her hands to her face, and pouts directly at camera.
CANCERMAN: Where did you get dat tape?
KRYCECK: No, I have the DAT tape.
SLIPMATT: Wow - a STOMSKI original!
LOWANGUARD: Straight off the dexx - mmm, smell that minty freshness.
SLIPMATT grabs the tape, graps a catapult, pulls it back and lets fly. We follow the tape as it flies up, out of the control room, across the 500 metres, in through the port hole and drops neatly into COCHRANE's hand, who promptly plugs in and switches on.
COCHRANE: Gentlemen - Let's take the stars!
COCHRANE and GEORDIE hit switches. The rockets is launched, carreing on a column of fire out into space. Over the roar of boosters, we can hear the vocal mix of Force and Styles' `Funfair` playing.
COCHRANE: Let's kick this baby into warp!
The rocket ship sproings into a blue streak as the stars whip past the viewports.
TROI: Mmmm - I felt the Earth move...
Cut to: space. The NOSTROMO, this time in one piece, unmarked and pristine looking, slides into view, radiating an aura of power.
Cut to: onboard the NOSTROMO. The inside is glittering golds and silvers, with a couple of touches of black diamond that just set off the colour of the - oh, sorry...
The CAPTAIN of the NOSTROMO and his two crew members, the POINTY-EARED-ONE (POE - yes I know, but its easier to pronounce) and the SURGEON CRISPS(BONES) are standing in the classic 'Three-person' shot from any Star-Trek episode from any series you care to mention.
BONES: Damn it Jim, I'm a surgeon, not a doctor!
CAPTAIN: Why do you insist on calling me Jim when my name is K'Pluck?
POE: Its illogical, Surgeon Crisps.
BONES: Damn it Jim, I'm a surgeon, not a perosn who gets names right.
CAPTAIN: The names K'Pluck! K'PLUCK, son of HOWARD, house of T'DUCK! PREPARE TO DIE A DISHONOURABLE DEATH, BONES!
The CAPTAIN pulls a large, sharp edged pointy thing seemingly out of thin air, and leaps on BONES.
POE: Captain, it is illogical to kill your medical officer - who would take him sick-bay?
CAPTAIN: HAH! MR 'Oooh, I'm so logical'! WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN YOU AND THAT NURSE CHURCH! WHY ONLY LAST WEEK YOU - hey, what's that cool sound?
POE [having some how gained a UHU-glue stick in his ear]: Patching it through communications now sir. It sounds like...
'Funfair' is heard playing over the speakers.
CAPTAIN [whose tunic has been casually ripped to reveal his shoulder] Whatever it is, it sounds good! Track it!
POE: On it Captain!
CAPTAIN: Right - I'm off to change Tunics!
BONES: You ripped that yourself!
CAPTAIN: Did not!
BONES: Did too, you great southern pansy!
CAPTAIN: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!? RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
The CAPTAIN once again pounces on SURGEON CRISPS with his knife-thingy in hand.
POE: I've tracked the source, captain!
BONES: I'm sure you have, you pointy-eared --
CAPTAIN: You know, that really is great music! Beam its creator up here!
POE: Don't you want to meet the alien ship, follow it back to its home planet, and make first contact?
CAPTAIN: What - and miss out a chance for an appearence in a sequel? Not likely. Bring him onboard.
STOMSKI materialises onboard the ship.
STOMSKI: Peace, love, unity and respect!
POE: Live long and prosper!
CAPTAIN: May your death be bloody and honourable
BONES: Damn it, I'm a surgeon not an ambassador
STOMSKI: So, what are you guys doing?
POE: These are the voyages of the starship NOSTROMO, on its five year mission, to explore new worlds, to seek out...
CAPTAIN: Not any more its not. Now I've heard that music -
STOMSKI: Happy Hardcore.
CAPTAIN: Thank you - that happy hardcore, I've changed our mission.
CAPTAIN faces into camera, staring off into far-left corner.
CAPTAIN [in a deep, echoey voice]: These are the voyages are the starship NOSTROMO - its new voyage, to bring happy hardcore to the rest of the known and unknown universe.
STOMSKI: Cool - can you beam up my dexx?
Cut to: The project's headquarters. SLIPMATT: Hmmmm
CANCERMAN: That was ... not supposed to happen.
SLIPMATT: So the NOSTROMO with STOMSKI on-board has left for places unknown.
CANCERMAN: That was ... unexpected.
SLIPMATT: Fortunetly, we can just wait for the Vulcan ship to arrive and send out Cochrane again.
CANCERMAN: The NOSTROMO has been ... dealt with.
SLIPMATT: You wouldn't be expounding your own secret scheme to rid this world of STOMSKI, thus Happy Hardcore, and sabotage the ETcontact project, would it?
CANCERMAN [Face in shadows]: Of course not.
INTERLUDE: A small wooden cabin, somewhere in the Artic.
A tall hideously deformed figure lurches slowly past the window.
OLDMAN1: That FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER again.
OLDMAN2: Ayup.
END INTERLUDE...
Cut to: Onboard the NOSTROMO, later.
A ball bounces along a corridor, reaches the end and morphs into a paper airplane that floats into the main lounge, where the crew are eating a meal.
COMPUTER: Warning - unauthorized biological entity of polymorph type on board ship. Warning - unauthorized
CAPTAIN: Computer, shut-up.
The POLYMORPH lands on the Captains plate where it turns into a another Tardian Snailworm and crawls in among the rest on the Captain's plate.
STOMSKI: So, where are we going, exactly?
CAPTAIN [in a deep, echoey voice]: These are the voyages are the starship NOSTROMO - its new voyage, to bring happy hardcore to the rest of the known and unknown universe.
[In the background, enter SCULLY and MULDER.
MULDER: See, aliens, told you.
He pulls his mobile phone from his pocket.
SCULLY: There's a perfectly logical explanation.
Her mobile phone rings.
SCULLY:
STOMSKI: Yes, but where exactly are we going?
MULDER and SCULLY sit down next to them, and begin to eat their meal. The CAPTAIN lifts a handful of Tardian Snailworms to his mouth. The POLYMORPH turns into a ginormous rat. The CAPTAIN, with a puzzled look in his eye, swallows the rat whole, and burps loudly.
MULDER: Damn, I hate gherkins.
STOMSKI,glancing over, notices MULDER removing the gherkins from his burger and replacing them with sesame seeds.
STOMSKI: Hey, can I have your gherkins?
MULDER: Sure.
STOMSKI: Hey, you should try the fox-glove soup.
MULDER: Don't call me Fox. Not even my parents call me fox.
CAPTAIN: We're going to the Orion Nebula sector, to the planet Nation, to play at B'istol E'posure.
STOMSKI: Kewhl.
Cut To: Another deck of the ship.
A MAN-IN-BLACK walks along the cargo bay, sweeping the floor and whistling the tune of 'Here it comes, remix'. Suddenly he trips, and falls into a pile of barrels which upend on him, covering him in red paint.
MAN-IN-RED: Oh-no! I'm now wearing red! Help!
He turns to run, but as he does so a strange octupus like being leaps out of the bottom of the last barrel, and wraps itself round his face.
Cut to: The sick-bay,later. STOMSKI, POE, BONES and the CAPTAIN are all here. They are standing around a large jar, inspecting the FACEHUGGER.
POE: Well, its life, Jim, but not as we know it.
CAPTAIN: You know - that guy in red we found seems a bit quiet.
BONES: It's worse than that - he's dead Jim.
COMPUTER VO: [Singing] Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, there's Klingons on the starboard bow...
The CAPTAIN pulls a phaser out of his uniform and blasts a large hole through the intercom.
The MAN-IN-RED suddenly sits up, catches sight of his reflection in the mirror, whimpers red, and falls back down again. As the crew crowd round, the man's chest explodes open, and a tiny baby-alien sticks its head out.
CAPTAIN: [Aiming phaser at alien] Beware!
POE: [staring into tricorder] Something's happening here.
BONES: What it is, ain't exactly clear.
STOMSKI: There's a man with a gun over there - telling me I got to beware.
CAPTAIN: [Staring vaguely into space] Woah! Sixties flashback.
The baby alien rushes pust them and out of the door that swooshes closed behind it.
CAPTAIN: Now look what you made me do.
POE: You know what this means.
STOMSKI: No. What does it mean?
POE: It means we're all going to have to crawl through pointlessly large numbers of dark tunnels, carrying strange guns with flame-throwers on the end, being picked off one by one by some strange alien creature.
STOMSKI: So that's what "it" means - I've always wondered.
CAPTAIN: Right - I'll organise the crew into security details. Captain to Bridge.
COMPUTER VO: Even if the speaker worked you wouldn't be able to get a response - they've all abandoned ship. Have a nice day.
The CAPTAIN shoots the second speaker with his phaser.
POE: I really wish you wouldn't do that - it doubles our repair bills you know.
Cut to: A small room, with openings on the many walls. The CAPTAIN, POE, STOMSKI, BONES and some SECURITY OFFICERS are standing here. They are peering into different openings, all leading into long, cramped, dark tunnels.
STOMSKI: Why do you have all these long dark tunnels?
CAPTAIN: So that when we have to do repairs, we can have nice atmospheric shots of Engineers in tunnels.
STOMSKI: Fair enough. Now what, Captain?
CAPTAIN: Now we...
A large alien tale whips out of the opening behind him and pulls him away down the tunnel.
POE: Hmmm. Perhpas we ought to...
A large alien tale whips out of the opening behind him and pulls him away down the tunnel.
BONES: I think I see a pattern developing here...
A large alien tale whips out of the opening behind him and pulls him away down the tunnel.
SECURITY OFFICER1: Right that does it. Initiate auto self-destruct sequence!
COMPUTER VO: Activated.
A large alien tale whips out of the opening behind him and pulls him away down the tunnel.
STOMSKI: Why the self-destruct?
SECURITY OFFICER2: Because then we can play fast scary music and have lots of running around and tense moments.
A large alien tale whips out of the opening behind him and pulls him away down the tunnel.
STOMSKI: I know! Computer - lock onto the alien and beam it out into space.
COMPUTER VO: No can do. I'm copying myself onto Starbase 14 via my subspace modem, and the I'm outta here. Byeee
STOMSKI: Well, that was unexpected.
He steps a pace to the right, and an alien tale whips out of the opening behind where he used to be, misses him, and vanishes back in again.
STOMSKI: Wait! I have a plan!
BALDRIC materialises in the middle of the room.
BALDRIC: Is it a cunning plan?
A large alien tale whips out of the opening behind him and pulls him away down the tunnel.
STOMSKI: I just need to get to the shuttle-bay...
Cut-to: The Shuttle-bay. The SURVIVALPOD (intact) is sitting here.
STOMSKI:Well, that was easy enough. Now, I have to plug the shuttle-bays speakers into my dexx...
He fiddles with some buttons.
STOMSKI: I wonder if its this button marked 'Do not press'?
ARTHUR materialises.
ARTHUR: No, that one just lights up a sign saying 'Please do not press this button again.' Has anyone seen a cup of tea?
A large alien tale whips out of the opening behind him and pulls him away down the tunnel.
STOMSKI: I guess it must be this one then.
He pushes the button. A wall slowly lifts away revealing hu-uuu-uuu-ge speakers stretching from floor to roof.
The Alien drops out of a hole in the wall, and begins slowly to stalk towards STOMSKI. STOMSKI hurridely gets into the SURVIVALPOD, pulling the hatch close behind him. As the ALIEN begins to bang on the door, STOMSKI rushes to his dexx, flicks on the power, tosses a couple of vinyls on, and begins to mix.
Cut to: Outside the SURVIVALPOD.
As the Alien continues to bang on the door, we hear the sound of 'funfair' being played over the speakers. It begins to slowly grow in volume.
Cut to: Inside the SURVIVALPOD.
STOMSKI reaches into hix box and pulls out a new vinyl. Bulges begin to appear on the door as the Alien continues its attack. 'Funfair' mixes perfectly into 'Here I am'.
Cut to: Outside the SURVIVALPOD.
The music begins to get even louder. The Alien breaks of its attack and begins to stagger towards the speakers, but both it and the SURVIVALPOD are beginning to be pushed dowards the main doors by the force of the music. We see scratches in the metal as the Alien is driven back. Giving up on the speakers, the alien struggles back to the SURVIVALPOD and once more begins banging on the door.
Cut to: Inside the SURVIVALPOD.
PODCOMPUTER VO: Warning - hull integrity minimal. Warning - hull breach imminent. Warning - hull integrity minimal....
STOMSKI mixes perfectly into 'Heart of Gold'
Cut to: Outside the SURVIVALPOD.
The Alien raises its claws for one last attack, and is suddenly blown out of the main-air lock. Over the pounding of the music we just hear its enraged scream, that is soon drowned by the squeel of feedback. The SURVIVALPOD slides, at first slowly then faster and faster towards the main door before finally tumbling out into space.
Cut to: Outside the NOSTROMO. As the SURVIVALPOD speeds past, the bright pinpricks of the stars are dwafed by the explosion of the NOSTROMO as it is consumed in a ball of plasma, which slowly fades away leaving a slowly drifting asteroid belt of wreckage.
Cut to inside the SURVIVALPOD.
STOMSKI frantically pushes buttons as his dexx spin out of control and explode, destroying most of the inside of the ship.
PODCOMPUTER VO: Naviagtional system - inoperative. Main Life Support - inoperative. Main Engines - inoperative. Computer-system - minimal. Main Computer Powerrrr ssssyssssteeemmmm innnnopppp...
The PODCOMPUTER's voice slowly fades to nothing. STOMSKI drags himself to the STASISPOD, opens the door, and slides in. It closes behind him with a hiss, and we see the face-plate begin to slowly ice up as be pull the camera back across the wreckage, back through and out of the window, and begin a slow pan backwards. As the slowly tumbling pod begins to get smaller and smaller on the screen we hear:
STOMSKI VO: This is DJ STOMSKI, last survivor of the NOSTROMO, signing off.
We continue to pull away until the pod is just another point of light in a field of stars, and we
FADE OUT.