The Ronco Blaster Beater

  Many thanks to Ferrett for coming up with the idea, script by Jim Fisher

...AND NOT AVAILABLE IN ANY STORES! Yes, call 1-800-BOLTZBGON for the
amazing "Ronco Blaster Beater!" It prevents slicing, dicing, and X-Wing
fighting!

Ron Popeill: Thanks for joining us on this very special program today.
Remember to by Spray on Fur [Wookiee formula, for that balding Wookiee that
*you* love, the home Bantha Pasta Maker, but with no further delay, here's
today's celeberity host: Billy Dee Williams!

Billy Dee: Thank you Ron, now let me remind you htat Ronco Blaster Beater
is not availble in *any* store. That's right, not available in *any* store.
You can only get it if you have this number! And for the duration of this
program anyone who orders will recieve a special "My First TIE Fighter."
Let your tike fly around like a real Imperial pilot, with viturally no
training! The comprehensive 5 page flying manual will have your child
blasting rebel scum before you know it! And if you buy 12 Ronco Blaster
Beaters we'll throw in a free copy of STARTASQUAD Junior! The perfect way
for your child to start his very own Junior TIE Fighter Squadron! And as an
added bonus, if you buy 72 of these top quality Ronco Blaster Beaters we'll
throw in "My First Star Destroyer." Your little one can be his very own
Star Destroyer Captain! With authentic breathing and James Earl Jones
choking action! And for our economy customers, for every 7200 Ronco Blaster
Beaters that you buy we'll throw in a free "My First Death Star." Yes, you
heard me right, the power for your child to destroy planets! We've even
patched up that nasty thermal exhaust port! And if that's not enough, a
free 2 minute psychic reading [400 credits each additional minute] with
every order! And you know you'll get a good reading because we have the
*best* psychics around! Free with every order! And we're not going to
charge you a million credits for a Ronco Blaster Beater, we're not going to
charge you 750,000 credits! You can this for the low low price of 749,999
credits! Order today! Order right now! Order a bunch! Now, we've got a
caller on the line, a happy user of the Ronco Blaster Beater.

Jin Finscer: KILL LANDO! KILL LANDO! KILL LANDO! KILL LA--

Billy Dee: Whoa! Sorry, wrong line! Here's the correct caller.

Caller: Hello Billy Dee!

Billy Dee: Can you state your name?

Caller: Well, I'd rather not, but.. just call me.... uhh... Dan Jodonna!

Billy Dee: Ok Dan, are you a satisfied user?

Dan: Yeah! It really protects our ships!

Billy Dee: Who's "our?"

Dan: Uhhh.. the Aebel Rlliance!

Billy Dee: I'm glad that Aebel is doing ok! Thanks for calling! Got time
for one more call!

Caller: [heavy breathing]. Did you trace that call?

Billy Dee: Dude! Don't get obscene on us! And no, we don't trac-- ucckkkk!

[Billy Dee collapses gasping for air].

[cut to Ron Popeill:]

Ron Popeill: That concludes our program, thanks for watching, and remember
order a Ronco Blaster Beater now!