Exclusive interview with GREEDO, the Rodian!

HARVARD LAMPOON: Welcome. So, is it true that you are the greediest space
alien of all time?

GREEDO: No, why would...? Ah, perhaps you have been misled by my name.
While my name is indeed Greedo, I think you will find I am no greedier than
anyone else. I am a man of modest means and meager salary, but I assure you
I am content with my lot in life.

HARVARD LAMPOON: We saw you in Star Wars trying to collect lots of money
from Han Solo. Do you go around trying to collect big sums of money because
of incredibly consuming feelings of greed?

GREEDO: Of course not. While it is true that I am a collection agent in the
employ of Jabba the Hutt, I only see that debts are paid. The money does
not go to me. Besides, my culture abolished money thousands of your Earth
years ago. Frankly, I don't even understand the concept. We find your
custom of using scraps of paper to represent wealth laughable.

HARVARD LAMPOON: Now in that scene you had a gun. Didn't Han Solo have to
draw his own gun under the table because he knew if you saw it you would
want it too? Isn't wanting two guns just plain greedy?

GREEDO: Ahem. Let me refresh your memory. Han Solo drew that gun
surreptitiously because he wanted to shoot me. Which he did, a very painful
laser blast in the belly. I do have to hand it to him, it was a very crafty
move. I never even saw it coming. However, what I wish Mr. Solo and others
like him would realize is that I'm only trying to do my job. Shooting me
under the table with a laser is like blaming the weather man when it rains.
I'd like to stress to your readers: it's not really my fault if there is a
large bounty on your head. Please do not take it out on me.

HARVARD LAMPOON: Weren't you mad that your part in the movie was so small?
Out of greediness for fame, isn't it true that you wanted to hog all the
screen time and change the title of the movie to Star Wars Starring Greedo?

GREEDO: In fact, no. I am an admittedly minor figure and am happy with the
relatively large role I was given. I'll never forget the day Mr. Lucas
"discovered" me while I was doing my volunteer work at the Tatooine
Orphanage Soup Kitchen. Just having been involved with one of the greatest
blockbusters of all time is reward enough. I still get butterflies every
time I see the film. It's just unreal to think, "That's me up there!"

HARVARD LAMPOON: With a name like Greedo, you sure must be greedy!

GREEDO: Please, I did not choose my name. It has been difficult enough to
live with its perjorative connotations. Please do not make things worse.

HARVARD LAMPOON: But your skin is green, which is a word that's very close
to greed.

GREEDO: That was a very impolite remark.

HARVARD LAMPOON: Are you hungry? Would you like to greedily wolf down 500
space hamburgers?

GREEDO: Why are you doing this?

HARVARD LAMPOON: Hey, what's your brother's name? Selfisho?

GREEDO: Leave my brother out of this.

HARVARD LAMPOON: Thank you for taking the time to talk to us, greedy.

GREEDO: Damn you.