Does anybody actually live in North Dakota?
Ah, a question for the ages. Honestly, does anybody know? If anybody claims to have been there or says they know someone who has -- can you really believe them? Oh, your *mother* says so. Big deal. I know some people who are pretty good at lying -- I mean teasing. In my opinion, soon to be YOUR opinion (bwahahahaha) there's a huge government cover-up going on up there. Before you read the rest of this, be aware that big brother IS watching you. If you mysteriously turn up dead tommorrow it isn't my fault. I just work here.
POINT 1: Population ZERO.
Nobody really lives in North Dakota. For those of you who believe otherwise, I have two words to say to you: Prove It.
POINT 2: It doesn't exist.
North Dakota does not actually exist. The geographic area marked on most maps as the state of North Dakota is actually a restricted military zone. North Dakota is the code name for a multinational organization established in 1947 to hide alien artifacts and remains from Roswell, New Mexico and Gorky (located in deepest Siberia), in the United Soviet Socialist Republic. Before this time, North Dakota actually *did* exist. Amazing subsidies in the form of vast plots of land and monstrous victorian houses given away for free to potential inhabitants failed to lure any residents. Note that this offer was not restricted to citizens of the USA, anybody could apply. There are two reasons for this failure:
a) Victorian houses look silly in the barren wastelands of North Dakota.
They look especially goofy when buried under several feet of snow.
b) Who *wants* to live in North Dakota anyway?
POINT 3: Ultra super-duper top-secret military installation GT.
Area 51 is, in fact, located in North Dakota. Think about this one. Do you REALLY think that New Mexico or Arizona are probable locations for an ultra-secret military installation where ALIENS are hidden? Granted, parts of these states are quite barren -- but it makes infinitely more sense to put these places where nobody in their right mind would ever go. Like North Dakota, for example. Area 51 is located in North Dakota, right smack dab in the middle. Why the middle? Because you'd have to traverse the largest amount of territory before you reached it. North Dakota has very boring scenery. Even James Bond would fall asleep at the wheel and run off into a minefield. Military drivers wear VR goggles that simulate the ghettos of Detroit -- very active scenery. Their nerves are gone by the time they arrive at the base (they are shot at, on average, 552.8 times per trip by "pedestrians") but they *do* make it. This technology is naturally not available to the citizenry because they want to keep Area 51 a secret. There's aliens there. Aliens. Good stuff.
POINT 4: Existence of South Dakota.
Another reason North Dakota is the best kept secret in the USA, South Dakota *does* exist. South Dakota is also crappy and there is good reasoning for this, as follows:
a) South Dakota is *close* to North Dakota, so they want to keep people
outta there. If you make it crappy, they won't come. End of story.
b) People who go to South Dakota hate it and so do not press on further north.
c) Come to think of it, do you know anybody who lives in *South* Dakota?!
POINT 5: Government conspiracy (continued)
Did I mention the government was involved in this?? This whole North Dakota fiasco is the result of "big government". The reason that this information was leaked has to do with some astronomer (he simply _must_ be an astronomer, what with the last name "Starr") leaking the information. This astronomer blackmailed some guy named "Bill", something like he wouldn't tell "about the whole cigar incident" if he would just 'fess up about North Dakota. You see, Kenny -- we're on a first name basis of course -- had a burning desire to know more about North Dakota, which is understandable. We all do. Thus the blackmail. Being a lawyerish type in addition to an astronomical THEORIST (sorry, inside joke most of you won't understand), he of course told about the "cigar incident" in some silly report anyway. I don't understand, is this anything like the "wet noodle incident" in The Simpsons?? What's the big deal?
Anyway, if you think back for a while I'm sure you'll realize that you've not ever seen any pictures of North Dakota, nor read any articles about North Dakota. Remember that movie "Fargo", supposedly filmed in a North Dakota town? Well, most of it was filmed in Brainerd, which isn't even *in* North Dakota if Fargo happened to exist in the first place. The film company was bribed to do a film about North Dakota because some people were really beginning to wonder if the damned state actually existed (and we all know it doesn't). The snowy parts were filmed in Siberia due to a secret deal with the Russians, who have some interests in Area 51.
"Representatives" from North Dakota are actually agents of the multinational organization mentioned in POINT 2, which is so top-secret I don't even know the name of it. We'll assume it is an eraser floating in deep space for the sake of simplifying the math*. These agents keep an eye on the REAL representatives from other states to make sure they never ever ever ever bring up North Dakota. If you watch C-SPAN, and we all do of course, have you ever heard anyone call on "the gentleman from North Dakota"????
POINT 6: The men in chartreuse.
I have just been instructed by two men dressed in chartreuse business suits to tell you that North Dakota DOES exist. Hence, you know that it does *NOT* exist. If you're willing to trust two guys in chartreuse suits that wear sunglasses when it's dark and look around nervously, I can't help you. I think you're much better off trusting a psychotic astronomy major with (I have been instructed to say) delusional ideas about the non-existence of North Dakota, which DOES exist and is a major power in the economy of this great nation here, the United States of America, in which North Dakota exists with many happy people who really live there, and they vote, and everything. And they also say to tell you that the reason I am leaving is to "visit North Dakota" for a while. They say that it most certainly is NOT to hold me as a political prisoner for the rest of my life somewhere in inner city Detroit, no-sir.
I have been instructed to tell you to forget all about North Dakota from now on.
POINT 7: I'm always right.
I told them I needed to pack so the idiots left me here alone. You should know that I am always right. About North Dakota. Not everything. I won't claim I'm right about everything because that would be wrong. My girlfriend is the only one who is always right. I'm generally wrong. But North Dakota is my field of expertise, and therefore I know what I'm doing and you'd do best to believe what I've got to say. Don't let them fool you -- North Dakota is a falacy, a trick, a lie even!
Just say NO to North Dakota!
Peace.
Andrew W. 9/3/99
E-mail me at: astrogeek@dork.com
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