The Long Road Home, part five
Mara stumbled inside her room, punched in the security code to lock the door behind her and fell onto the couch, breathing heavily. *Get ahold of yourself, Jade.* She closed her eyes, forcing her mind through first one and then several Jedi relaxation techniques. Nothing seemed to be working. She jumped up, nervous energy pulsing through her, and began to pace around the room, mind racing. *You shouldn't have run off like that,* she admonished herself. *You promised Luke.* Well, yes, she did-but she had also warned him. She had made it through most of the first day fine. She had stood beside him as he awarded the prizes at the essay contest and endured the curious stares of the other attendees at the lunch they had been invited to. She had felt odd at first, and then her natural pride kicked in and she conversed, ate and drank with a toss of her head. *The Empire is dead,* she had thought. *I belong here now.*
She willed herself to believe it.
Her will wasn't as powerful as she thought.
She had awoken that morning from a hideous nightmare, the likes of which she had not had in years. She was left with no real memory of it, just a lingering impression of the Emperor and an overwhelming sense of the Dark Side all around her. She was sweating and shaking, and though her first impulse had been to reach out and call Luke, she didn't. 'You don't have to do it alone,' he had said. 'I'll be with you.' She knew if she touched his mind he would come to her, immediately. But she stayed silent, and when she met him on the roof later, she had said nothing. Then they had been called to the garden, where Leia had decided to honor her father, Anakin Skywalker who had been Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith, and Mara had felt the overwhelming compulsion to run.
Vader's son and the Emperor's Hand. Two enormous legacies and histories to deal with and, in her case, to live down. Luke's may have been similar to her own in some ways, but hers was much larger and much more personal. Luke was Darth Vader's son, but he was also a Jedi Master, a hero of the Rebellion and the brother of the Chief of State. She, on the other hand, had willingly served the Emperor for most of her life, had been part of the Empire, worked side by side with the Dark Side. It was fruitless to try and gloss it over, and regrets and remorse would change nothing. What was past was past. There was no way to change it or make it pretty. And, undeniably, she had spent years dreaming about and planning Luke's destruction. It had kept her alive.
While that was no longer part of her, she was still the same Mara Jade somewhere. She hadn't changed completely. She knew that everyone knew that as well as she did, though they seemed willing enough to accept and trust her now. *I've done enough favors for them,* she snorted to herself. The fact that the government was willing to allow the honoring of Luke and Leia's father was a sign that things were changing for good.
No matter how much she tried to deny it, she was part of the New Republic now. She just wasn't sure if that included her relationship with their beloved war hero. Mara and Luke. It was impossible to imagine it happening, yet it was happening. He was doing all he could to show her that she was important to him. *How important?* She wondered, curling back up on the couch. Something began to turn cold inside her, the more she thought about it. *You should leave,* part of her whispered. *Leave before it's too late.* That was her last conscious thought before she fell asleep.
Several chimes at the door awoke her, which were followed by a series of loud knocks. "Mara?"
*Luke.*
The last person in the galaxy she wanted to face right now. She entertained the idea of pretending to be out, but knew that he would never fall for it. She got to her feet, rubbing her face, trying to clear her mind. Slowly she moved to the door and opened it, stepping back to let him inside. Quickly she averted her face from him and preceded him into the living area, walking to the water pitcher.
"Thirsty?" she didn't wait for a response before pouring two glasses, but before she could pick them up, she felt him behind her.
"Tell me why you left."
His too quiet voice, and the carefully controlled calm that rose from him, combined in a dangerous combination to Mara and her hand tightened on one of the glasses as she turned to face him. "You're the all powerful Jedi Master," she bit out, anger swelling in her at an alarming rate. "Can't you see for yourself?" She stepped away from him, glass in hand, knuckles white around it. *Calm down!* She snapped at herself heedlessly.
"I'd much rather you tell me," Luke said in an even tone, not allowing her sarcasm to get to him.
Mara's arm pulled back and she flung the glass against the wall, shattering fragments over the floor. "Don't you ever get emotional about anything?" she raged. "How can you be so calm all the time?"
Luke glanced over his shoulder at the mess she had created, feeling his face get hot. "How can you ask me that? Why are you deliberately trying to provoke me? I had no idea Leia would do that, or that it would bother you, or that you would care!"
She stared at him, stunned. "You didn't know it would bother me? You didn't know I would care? She erected a monument to Darth Vader, close pal of the Emperor, who cut your hand off and tried to kill her! She erected a tribute to an Imperial!"
Luke could feel his irritation growing, festering, being nurtured by her like some Yavin fungus. "She erected a monument to Anakin Skywalker, my father! It's not quite the same thing, Mara!"
"You have the most amazing ability to compartmentalize things into these perfect little packages, Skywalker, so everything comes out just the way you want it. Life just isn't like that!"
"Well, apparently the memory of my father doesn't bother you too much, since you carry his lightsaber!" Luke shouted at her.
"Because his son gave it to me!" she shot back at him. Luke's anger began to fade quickly in the light of this heated, but no less important admission. "I gave it to you for a reason."
She turned away from him, chest rising and falling quickly. "I know you did." Her anger, too, was fading as quickly as it had sprung up. *How does he do this to me?* She felt like she was riding an endless wave of emotion, up and down, over and over. *You are leaving, Jade,* she admonished herself sternly, though she knew it was a lie. Something was holding her on Coruscant, and like it or not, that something was Luke Skywalker.
"I told you this wouldn't be fun," she said quietly, her back still turned.
"And I told you I could deal with it," he reminded her. She nodded, and he walked over to her, turning her to face him. "Why do you keep turning away from me? I'm not going anywhere, Mara, although I may stay away when you have glass in your hand."
Mara looked up at him and smiled in spite of herself.
"Your aim stinks," he continued.
"Next time I won't aim for the wall then."
Luke's face went sober again, and he reached out, cupping her face in his hands. "You don't scare me, Mara, and neither do your emotions. I can handle it, as long as you can, too."
Her breath caught in her chest, came out in a heave. "I am trying."
"That's all I ask." He stared into her eyes for a long moment until she gave him a slight nod. "Come on, we have a dinner to attend, remember? How quickly can you be ready?"
Mara groaned. She had forgotten about the dinner honoring the heroes of the Rebellion, at which Luke was scheduled to be a speaker, and hadn't noticed that he had come dressed in his formal black robes. In a weak moment several days ago she had agreed to go as his guest, but right now she could imagine nowhere else where she was more loath to be. She opened her mouth to make an excuse, then abruptly shut it again. She had made a promise and she would keep it.
"Give me about twenty minutes and I'll be out."
He nodded and she quickly walked down the hall and into her bedroom, pulling open the door to the closet. Carefully her eyes scanned the contents, selecting and rejecting several dresses before alighting on one hanging towards the back that she had never worn. She smiled. If she had to go to this boring, stuffy dinner, she would at least get a little revenge on Luke for making her.
"Ready to go, farmboy?" Exactly twenty minutes later, Mara emerged from the bedroom, her cape hanging over her arm. Luke got up from the couch, straightening his robes, and then finally turned around and looked at her, and his mouth went suddenly dry.
Mara, too, was dressed from head to foot in black, in a deceptively simple dress that was long enough to brush the floor. That, however, was where the similarity ended. The dress was fashioned from a fabric that shimmered every time she moved, and clung to her body like a second skin. It skimmed across her shoulders, just barely covering them, ending in sleeves just above her wrists. From her shoulders, it split into two separate pieces of fabric that crisscrossed her chest and wound around her waist, creating a deep slash of a neckline in which dangled an intricately twisted series of gold chains. The fabric then continued down into the skirt, which was cut high above her left thigh to reveal matching boots with heels that added several inches to her height. How this dress was held together was not apparent. Her glory of red-gold hair was gathered at the back of her head and then left to stream down her back, secured only by a handful of glittering hairpins.
Luke stared at her, his mouth stretching into a wry smile. *So this is how she is playing it,* he thought, shaking his head. "Ready?" he asked, making no reference to the way she looked.
Mara raised an eyebrow, one hand on her hip, and then shrugged. "Sure. Let's get this over with." He stepped forward to help her on with her cape, and she stifled her disappointment that she had apparently not affected him in any way. She turned around and lifted her hair off her neck so he could fasten the ties around her neck, and then sucked in her breath sharply as his hands reached around and traced the path of the dress from shoulders to waist.
"I play this game as well as you do," he murmured, trailing a kiss down the side of her neck. She shivered, turning in his arms, her eyes bright.
"Apparently, though you'd never guess it to look at you," she said. "Let's get this dinner over with."
"Where's your lightsaber?"
"I'll show you later."
*******************************************
It was several hours later that Mara and Luke found themselves once again on the roof, sitting on the ledge under the railing and necking like teenagers. "Why are we doing this to each other?" Luke asked, finally pulling back from her, running relaxation exercises out of habit despite the fact that they had stopped working days ago. Mara laughed, pulling her dress back into its proper places from which his hands had dislodged it.
"I was all for just going back to my room, Skywalker; you're the one who suggested we come back to this very public roof. We could have resolved this days ago."
"You know you mean more to me than that." Suddenly uncomfortable, Mara rubbed her hands together and changed the subject. "That was a pretty impressive speech you made about the future of the Jedi Knights in the New Republic," she said lightly.
"If only I could figure out what my place in all of it will be," he said, a bit wistfully, and then went on, "Why do you change the subject any time I start to talk about us?"
"Is that what we are? An 'us'?" she gazed off into the night, trembling a little.
*Here we go again,* Luke thought. "Why is this so hard for you to talk about?"
"It's not."
"Mara."
Mara turned her head and looked at him. "I'm not completely convinced there is an 'us'."
Luke took a deep breath before speaking, biting back his first impulses. "How long are we going to keep this going?"
Mara got to her feet, hands combing through her hair, and stood at the railing. "I can't deny I am incredibly attracted to you-but after we resolve that, then what?"
*It's like talking to my lightsaber,* he thought, exasperated, standing up next to her. "Sometimes I think I speak Bothan when I talk to you," he sighed. "You mean much more to me than physical attraction, Mara, and you know it. Otherwise, it would have been all over with a week ago."
"A week ago you were shouting out your eternal devotion to Callista. The journey from that to this roof is what confuses me."
Luke put his arms around her and looked down at her face, but she was looking off into the sky. "Is that what is worrying you?"
"Not just that--but yes, that's part of it." She pulled out of his embrace and walked a little farther down the railing, leaning her arms on it and staring down at the city. "I feel very out of character here. Maybe we're both just emotional and lonely."
"Not the Mara Jade I know."
Mara laughed mirthlessly. "And which Mara Jade do you know, exactly? The one who wanted to kill you? Or the one who has flitted around the galaxy since then, unable to commit fully to the Jedi Knights, the Smuggler's Alliance or the New Republic?"
"Maybe the one I know is neither of those people."
She whirled around to face him. "You don't know me at all! Maybe this is all just a big mistake, a joke of the universe. I think we're both just fooling ourselves." She stared at him for a long moment. "Something like this could never work."
"Really? Why not?" Luke could feel the irritability in him rising, and struggled to set it aside. "A week ago, you were still calling me names and treating me like a paid lackey. Now look at us! Which do you think are the true Luke and Mara? The ones constantly at each others throats or the ones who were arguing over the stars last week? This hasn't exactly come out of nowhere, you know. How can you not see that we have been moving towards this point for almost a decade?" She flinched at that, but he pressed on. No one could get to him quicker than she could, and it was working already. "Why are you fighting this?"
"There are ghosts standing between us."
"What?" he made a meaningless gesture. "What does that mean? What ghosts?"
Mara looked at him in disbelief. "Can you possibly be as dense as you seem? Callista, the Emperor, your sister, my past, your past. All these things stand between us. Can't you see them?"
Luke stood there for a long moment. He had been here before. This was the point in the conversation when the woman turned and walked out of his life. It had happened to him, many times. Each time, he had been silent, let her do what she felt she needed to do. Each time, he had watched her back as she left him, and then moved on.
Not this time.
Luke stepped forward suddenly, catching her hands in his before she could step back. "Look at me. Mara!" he snapped, when her head did not turn. Seconds passed, and then she met his gaze evenly. "There are no ghosts here. Callista is gone. She has chosen what road she must go down. I didn't like it, and yes, I held on much longer than anyone else would have, but I was lost, and deeply hurt. That has happened to me so many times now-maybe not on that scale, but it has happened-that this time, I was out of positive reactions. The Emperor is long dead; he was dead years before you could banish him from your mind. My sister is obviously overcoming any lingering ill will she felt towards you-she's pretty good with a lightsaber now and you're still living. Your past was not pleasant, but it is over. The Empire is dead and you chose the right path to follow. And my past?" he took a deep breath and said, "My past was empty because I had no time for love." He stopped, breathing heavily, before saying quietly, "I'd like to make time now." He watched the change come over her eyes, and nodded. "I'm in love with you, Mara."
She stared at him, mouth open, and then jerked her hands free. "No! Impossible. This is not happening, I will not let you do this!"
Luke could have cheerfully banged her head against Artoo. "What is wrong with every woman I meet, why do they all want to save me from themselves? Mara, I am doing it. How can you stand here and deny this?"
Mara shook her head, her face stony. "I'm sorry, Luke, but I just can't." She turned and walked to the door.
"Then go," came his voice suddenly from behind her, flat, cold. She stopped, feet rooted to the ground, uncertain she had heard him correctly. "You did," he continued, each word coming to her as if he was speaking through ice. "Do what you have to do."
She had never heard that tone in his voice before; never heard him sound so angry, empty, and cold all at once. She faltered for a moment, not recognizing the emotions that lay behind what he had said, but then managed to bite out, "Kyp's waiting for me on Yavin."
The sound of the door closing was nothing compared to the sound of Luke's mental shout of frustration and despair.
On the other side of the door, Mara hesitated, one hand pressed up against it as if she was reaching for something. *Go,* she snapped at herself, before turning and stumbling blindly down the stairs.
****************************************
Luke without Mara, thought Leia somberly, would be a much harder person to live with than Luke without Callista. They were two hours into another state banquet for which Mara was to have been his guest, and while Luke was doing a credible job of paying attention to the ambassador brought in as a substitute at the last minute, she knew that he was only half aware of her or anything else around him. Leia didn't know what had gone on between her twin and the trader, but whatever it had been, it was apparently over as quickly as it started. Even as they ate, Mara's ship was making its final preparations for departure and would be on its way to Yavin Four before the night was over. It was only the sheer volume of people still coming to Coruscant that had even kept her there this long.
She watched him out of the corner of her eye all night. When she and Han got up to dance, Luke joined them with the ambassador. He talked and laughed, danced and ate, and if you didn't look too closely at him, had a fabulous time. Only Leia could feel the hopeless atmosphere in the Force as she touched on the fringes of his mind. He had been unreachable after Callista had left, for he had truly loved her; somehow though what was between him and Mara was completely different but possibly even stronger than that, simply because of their connection through the Force. Because this had happened so suddenly to him, it was hitting him much harder. She could see that this time, he had given up completely. *I won't let that happen,* she thought fiercely, frowning so hard Han reached down to smooth the wrinkles out of her brow. He knew what was happening as well, but didn't have the same view of it that his wife did.
They came to a part in the dance where a switching of partners was called for, and Leia found herself in the arms of her twin. ::Come out onto the balcony with me::, she said to him, and before he could protest, stepped neatly out of the combination towards the doors. He followed unprotesting, and silent.
"It seems to be going very well," he said quietly as they reached the privacy of the balcony. Night had settled around the capital, but all over the city there were lights coming on, music was playing, and the sound of shouting and cheering drifted up to them. The Council had made sufficient preparation so that every citizen of Coruscant as well as the visitors would be part of the celebration. The true festivities would not start until tomorrow, and then there would be two days of parades, speeches, presentations and awards of all kinds, as well as dancing and music all over the city. Luke stood next to Leia, unmoving, his face implacable.
She decided she had nothing to lose by plunging right in. "So Mara is going back to the Academy."
"If she isn't already gone, yes, she's leaving soon."
"You know she isn't already gone."
Luke shrugged. "It really doesn't concern me anymore. I told her to go."
Leia grabbed his arm, pulling him around to face her. "You can tell that to Han, but don't try to fool me, Luke. You trained me too well for that. What are you doing here instead of on that landing platform?"
He would not meet her eyes, but stared off over her head into the night. "She is leaving. I can't stop her." His voice faltered a bit, then he said, stronger, "It's better this way."
"Oh, come on, Luke, who do you think you're talking to? Stop throwing these politically correct statements at me and tell me what happened!"
Luke looked down at her, his eyes the color of the storm-tossed seas on the Alderaan of long ago, and thought about what Mara had said. 'You don't know me at all...this is just a big mistake. All these things stand between us.' "She doesn't believe it can happen, so it won't happen. That's why I told her to go. I can't force her hand. I learned with Callista that no matter how much you want something, the other person has to want it as much as you do, in the same way, at the same time. Otherwise your roads can do nothing but diverge." 'The journey from that to this roof is what confuses me,' Mara had said. "Perhaps it is just the way of the Jedi."
Leia turned away, biting down on the first five or six things that popped into her mind to shout at him. *Calm down,* she warned herself. *It won't do any good to get angry at him.* "You base that statement on the few Jedi that you have known, Luke. You hardly know anything about their pasts. How do you know who they loved and what happiness they had? Just because they were hermits when you knew them doesn't mean they were always that way." She stepped forward, took his hands in hers, looking up at him with a great sigh. "You are a man of great passion, my brother. I don't think it is the will of the Force that you expend all of that feeling on the restoration of the Jedi Knights. Did Ben Kenobi go to all that trouble to hide us away only to have the Skywalker name die with you?"
"You don't understand."
"I understand just fine. I understand that you have decided to stand back and let the joy of life pass you by. I understand that you are perfectly willing and, somewhere in the convoluted way you have been thinking, content to sacrifice your happiness on the altar of the New Republic. And I understand that once again, you are going to let a woman that could make you happy turn around and leave. You need a family, Luke."
"I have a family."
"You need children of your own, and a wife who will share your dreams and help you make them a reality. You have too many talents not to pass them on to another generation, and you have too much love in you to live out your life as a hermit, or as 'Uncle Luke'."
She held on tight when he would have pulled free, and led him over to a small stone bench. As they both sat down, she said, "I liked Callista. In time, I would have loved her. There was a peace about you in her presence, as if she rooted you in the Light. But that was not to be. So I watched-we all watched you spend months of your life worthlessly, trapped within the confines of your sorrow and inability to let it go. It was a hard journey for you to make."
"It is good to have an end to journey toward, but in the end, it is the journey that really matters." Luke said flatly.
Leia stared into his eyes for a long moment. "You don't believe that, not really." Only when he looked away did she continue. "I spent years in mistrust of Mara. I couldn't get past her conditioning by the Emperor, long after she was past it. Somehow, through the will of the Force, that all changed. She is good for you, Luke, in a way that Callista never was. She could help you find the Luke of old again, the one we haven't seen in years. You are so grounded in the Light that the Force is all you can see! The way you have been the last week since you came back...I never thought I would see you like that again, and it has everything to do with Mara."
She took his chin in her hand and tugged until he looked at her again. "Luke, it is we who destroy ourselves, but it is also we who save ourselves. No one else. If you want it badly enough, it can happen. Look at how my life has turned out."
Slowly, Luke nodded. "You have everything you have ever deserved, Leia."
"You deserve that too." She stood up, tears in her eyes, and smiled down at him. "I doubt your life will be easier with Mara, but it will certainly be happier. Now, do I have to call and forbid them to allow the 'Fire' to take off, or are you going to go do something about it?"
Luke stood up beside her, pulling her into a rapid hug. "I love you," he whispered, before turning and practically sprinting off the balcony. Leia wrapped her arms around her stomach, turned her face up to the stars, and threw a smile at the universe. He had told her so months ago, but she finally felt that Luke was going to be all right...provided Mara would cooperate, she thought wryly.
