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CONNECTION
by Jennifer Ferris
___________________________________________________________
"Janeway to Chakotay."
"Chakotay here."
"I know it's late. Is this a bad time for you?"
"Not at all, Captain. I was just reviewing some reports."
"Anything I should know about?"
"Not yet. Training rotations. What can I do for you?"
"This isn't a business call."
"Oh?"
"Maybe I just wanted to see if you were alone."
"Checking up on me?"
"No, I--"
"Because that's what it sounds like."
"Are you laughing at me?"
"I would never do that."
"Like hell."
"No. Kathryn, I was laughing, but not at you. I was just..um..."
"What?"
"Well...you've don't call me except for business. What is it really?"
"...I just thought you might want to talk about it."
"About what."
"Well. The whole thing down there."
"Oh. The Kraden."
"--See, that's what you do. I say a word--ask something--anything--and that's what you do. You go away. Even your voice shuts down."
"It was...I'm not proud of it."
"There's nothing you should feel ashamed of."
"Of course I'm ashamed of it. To be used that way, to feel that kind of hatred--it's like--never mind. And I let them do that to me."
"Chakotay...I wish it didn't upset you so much."
"Of course it upsets me. It should upset you."
"It does."
"I don't mean that way."
"I hate it for you. It was an ugly experience. But it was not your fault. You were manipulated."
"Very easily, it seems."
"You underestimate yourself."
"I think you're being unrealistic."
"Why?"
"Kathryn...damn. We shouldn't be having this conversation over the com."
"You wouldn't talk about it. I thought this way maybe you would."
"You're worried about me. You should be worried about your first officer. About his fitness for the job."
"You're really overreacting here."
"Maybe. Maybe not."
"I think I can decide that for myself."
"...Captain. Can you honestly say it hasn't occurred to you that your first officer is too gullible to be trusted?"
"No, damn it. Why are you so hard on yourself? You're not on other people."
"Sure I am."
"No. The doctor told you but I don't think it's sunk in. It wasn't just psychological manipulation, you know. It was physiological too. You were drugged the whole time you were down there."
"Yes. He told me."
"You think you should have been proof against that, Commander? Got a pretty high opinion of yourself, don't you."
"I just...I should have...what is this, reverse psychology?"
"Well. We don't have a counselor. Somebody's got to do it."
"Tough job."
"What?"
"That's the whole expression. 'It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it.' "
. . .
"Kathryn?"
"I'm here."
"Say something."
"I don't know. I don't know if I can get through that thick skull of yours no matter what I say."
"I'm not that bad."
"You know, I'm not a violent person. But I swear sometimes I want to shake you."
"Why?"
"Because you don't listen. You get that stubborn mule-headed expression on your face and you nod but you're not listening."
"I don't do that, I-"
"You sure in hell do. And if it's not that, you get this--oh hell, never mind."
"What."
"You get this look, like I've hurt you. I don't want to do that. And then you just put your shields up."
. . .
"Say something, dammit. I'm sorry. I'm not supposed to notice, am I. Chakotay?"
"Sorry. This gets to me sometimes. Today we're fighting, then we're not. Yesterday we were friends, today we're not. It's very...tiring."
"--yes. I know."
"But-?"
"But we're never not friends, Chakotay. Even when we're not speaking to each other. Even when I'm furious with you. Even when--I know I haven't been fair with you. I'm sorry. I was hurting and I lashed out and you were there."
"I know that. I was angry but it doesn't matter. You can be angry with someone you--care about, can't you? And still care."
"Yes. That's what I mean. Even then, we're still--"
"Still."
. . .
"Chakotay? Now you're worrying me."
"Captain. Just let it be, all right?"
"Maybe it's not all right. We should be able to talk about this. We should be able to talk about anything."
"Not everything."
"Um. Well. Yes, we should. We should be able to. Maybe we need to clear the air."
"Kathryn. You don't want to have this discussion."
"Dammit, Chakotay. Don't just pat me on the head and tell me you know me better than I do and 'go away, little girl'. I'm not a little girl."
"I've noticed."
"So?"
"Kathryn. What do you want me to say?"
"I--"
"--There. You see? This is not the time. I don't know, you're not ready for this."
"I guess I--damn. You're right, this is--I guess I needed to know whether or not you were--still there."
"--Yes. I am. I haven't changed. The way I--I'm here."
"Maybe I need to know--what you want from me. No, I mean-what do you expect from me."
"I don't expect anything."
"I, I know. You're very careful about that."
"I have to be. You won't let me be anything else."
"Oh god, Chakotay, I don't mean to do that. I just don't see a simple answer."
"There is."
"No. That isn't simple. If it was, don't you think I'd have grabbed the chance? If there was an easy answer I would have taken it."
"Kathryn. There's not much I can say that isn't going to sound self-serving. So I think I better shut up."
"You don't understand."
"The hell I don't."
"All right. Just why do you think I've worked so hard to maintain this distance?"
"Don't get mad. We can't do this over a com line."
"We damn well can't do it in person. Not right now. Answer me."
"You really want me to."
"Yeah. I do."
"I, oh, shit."
"What."
"Okay. I think I scare you."
"What? Chakotay, you don't scare me."
"I don't believe you."
"You think I'm lying to you?"
"Kathryn. Don't. I don't mean it that way."
"All right."
. . .
"Chakotay?"
"God, you're stubborn. But I knew that."
"Yes."
"Fine. All right. For the sake of argument - that's one thing we seem to be able to manage very well-"
"Ha. Yeah. So, for the sake of argument-"
"--I'm going to assume you don't find the idea of...us...totally repugnant."
"-and?"
"I wish you would smile. All right. So...you take your responsibilities very seriously. That's a given."
"Yes."
"And you think being...involved with me would endanger...something. The command structure. Your judgment, maybe."
"You don't think it could create a problem with the crew?"
"Is that a rhetorical question?"
"Yes. No."
"I think the crew would be cheering on the sidelines if we'd let 'em. I think they'd sell tickets."
"Yeah. I know. I guess it was a rhetorical question."
"So that's not it."
"No, not really. They certainly don't seem to mind with B'Elanna and Tom. And look at the way they've been behaving."
"Uh huh."
"You're laughing! You sound like you approve."
"I--well, I guess I do. Not that my approval matters. -- I'm happy for them, Captain."
"Well--so am I, when you put it that way. Although I have to say I think they're being a little juvenile about it."
"What do you mean?"
"You've probably heard a lot more about that than I have. And I've heard plenty. The Jeffries tube, for god's sake."
"Oh. That."
"Uh huh. I can't believe you approve of that, come on, they could really get in trouble."
"Why?"
"They were on duty, for god's sake. I can't take that lightly."
"No, you're right. Should I speak to them?"
"I think you better. It shouldn't come from me, that'd be too official. But they have to draw a line somewhere."
"All right."
"And it surprises me that you don't--um, never mind."
"What?"
"Well. You're pretty fond of B'Elanna. And I didn't think Tom was your favorite person."
"No. He's not. But he's changed a lot in the last few years."
"Yes, he has."
"And it doesn't matter what I think, anyway. If I criticized him right now B'Ela'd have my head."
"You really love her, don't you?"
"--She's family."
"I envy you that."
"They're right here for you, Kathryn. You only have to reach out."
"I can't. Not that way."
"Why? I guess, no, I really don't understand. Why? Command dignity? That's a load of crap."
. . .
"Kathryn? I really, really didn't mean it that way."
"You're wrong. That's not why it's hard to reach out. Anyway. I'm getting sidetracked here."
"From what?"
"You."
"Oh. What were we saying?"
"If I thought the crew was the problem."
"And that's not it."
"Right."
"Then--Captain--if it's not the crew's reaction--then it's your judgment we're talking about."
"Well, not exactly-"
"Oh. It's something about me."
"Of course not. It's--I--"
"I told you. Somehow I scare you. Damn."
"No. You don't."
"I think I do. I don't know. Maybe sex scares you."
"Don't be silly, Chakotay."
"Am I? Why else would you make such a...mountain...out of a natural thing?"
"You know the answer to that."
"No. I don't."
"I can't afford to...let you bias my judgment. Cloud my thinking. If I was involved with you I don't know if I could keep that from affecting everything."
"Kathryn. I've got news for you. We're already involved."
"I...know."
"You think it would be worse if we were sleeping together? If we made love? In person, I mean. Together."
"It could."
"Maybe I should be flattered. You think making love with me would be that...that....never mind, I can't tease about it."
"It's not funny."
"No. Damn it, Kathryn. Can't you see that you're blowing this all out of proportion?"
"Now you're being condescending."
"No I'm not. It's just... it's just so simple. It would be a beautiful thing for me, I hope for you. It wouldn't change the world. It would just be good. And I can't show you that I'm right, because you're so certain that your judgment would go straight out the window. I can't believe you think that little of yourself. I don't believe it."
"--Maybe you're just underestimating yourself."
"Kath--"
"What."
"Nothing. I just--you get that wry little twist in your voice, I don't know how to take it."
"Oh. It doesn't mean anything. It's just a defense mechanism."
"I wish you didn't feel you had to defend yourself against me."
"Oh--oh--but I do. You could overwhelm me. And that's the risk I 'm afraid to--I can't take. You could knock my feet right out from under me--Stop it, I don't have to see you to know what you're thinking."
"Kathryn."
"God. What."
"--just for the record right now, I have to ask this. Can I come see you? This would be much--easier--in person."
"No! No. Um, no. This is hard enough-"
"Pfaah."
"Oh, stop it."
"Sorry. I just--no, never mind."
"Baby, I just can't handle it right now, all right?"
"--'Baby'?"
"Oh, god. Did I say that?"
"Kathryn--what else do you call me that you don't want me to know?"
"Never mind."
"You never answered--oh, yes, you did. That was a pretty emphatic 'no'. How am I supposed to take that?"
"It's not complicated. We're trying to discuss something here. Having you right next to me would not help that."
"I think you're wrong."
"Well that's one thing you're not afraid to say to me."
"Oh. Are we back on that?"
"No--no. I've apologized for that. I meant it. Don't you see? That's just what I'm talking about. I was very afraid, and worried, and you disagreed with me, and I lashed out at you. And that made everything worse."
"You were never alone, Kathryn. Not that kind of alone."
"I know that. Really I do. I was just--you were handy, all right? And--"
"And?"
"And I, I trust you. Enough to beat up on you sometimes. I'm s--no, I said that."
"I-"
. . .
"Chakotay?"
"Oh. You can't see me. I was waving away what I was going to say. I was going to say one of those things you don't want to hear."
"Oh, god. It's not that I don't--well, we're back there again, aren't we. Listen. I really need you to understand. There are too many times I don't feel in control. I know you probably think I'm--a control freak, or something. But my being on top of things is too important. I'm responsible for--"
"I know that. I know. That part I understand. I just don't agree that allowing yourself to have feelings--to act on those feelings--would compromise that."
"But I don't know that. And that's what scares me."
"Oh, Kath. I wish I--"
"Don't."
"No, that's not what I was going to say. I wish I could take that fear and lift it off your shoulders. It must get very heavy. I'm strong, I could help."
"Ah, god. You do help."
"Not enough."
"More than you know."
"Good. I just want to make it easier for you."
"You can make it easier."
"I can barely hear you. Are you all right?"
"I--said--you can make it easier."
"How. Tell me."
"Don't push too much, not right now. I'm feeling a little fragile."
"You ask a lot."
"I know."
"I meant it, though. If that's all I can do, that's what I'll do."
"I--"
"What."
"God, I love your voice."
"Kathryn--"
"No. Don't ask that. Just take the compliment."
"--All right. I don't have any choice."
"There is something else you could do."
"Anything."
"Call me like this, sometimes. It's--a connection. It's letting me touch you."
"Just--call you."
"Or let me call you."
"Yes."
"Besides--"
"What? You've got that sound in your voice again."
"Well, Commander--"
"Uh oh. What."
"You didn't ask what I should call you."
"Oh god, now I'm getting set up for a punch line. Go ahead, I can take it."
"No, no, not like that. I have just--enjoyed--certain of our conversations in the past and I wanted you to know that. So that perhaps you would feel free to--respond. Maybe reciprocate."
"--You continue to surprise me, my love. Oh. Sorry. I wasn't supposed to say that. I won't take it back though."
"It's all right--I want you to think of--no, never mind."
"Oh, you can't do that, Kathryn. You tell me I can't come see you, you tell me you--enjoy these little conversations. Well, so do I. So what else can I do for you?"
"You could--tell me what you're up to. Oops. That wasn't on purpose."
"I bet. All right. What am I up to?"
"Um hmm?"
"More than I was a half hour ago, that's for sure. Fair trade though. You have to give a little back."
"I could do that."
"Really?"
"Chakotay, you sound surprised."
"Well--you're usually pretty reserved, and-"
"Hah. No. Actually, I'm not. Why do you think you scare me?"
"I thought I didn't scare you."
"I didn't mean to say that."
"And--I'm very happy to hear that you're not always--reserved."
"You--maybe you'd be surprised."
"Ah. I, um, you continually surprise me."
"Continually?"
"You have no idea. Sometimes when I leave the bridge it's not just because I have a conference scheduled. You can be so--"
"I don't mean to."
"I'm not sure if I believe that. I think you like doing this to me."
"Ooh--maybe I do. What am I doing? Right now, I mean."
"Fair trade?"
"Okay."
"Right now--god, I wish I could see your face. All right, I heard that, you don't have to say it. Okay. You want to know what you're doing right now? You've got a very nice touch."
"--do I."
"Um hmm. You just unzipped my uniform and slid it off."
"--And?"
"And now you pulled down my briefs."
"Yes, I could--do that. And?"
"And I've told you before what your voice does to me. I was already pretty hard."
"Ohh. Don't stop."
"I wasn't planning on it. But I need to know a little bit too."
"..Yes?"
"Where are you? What are you doing?"
"I'm curled up on the bed. I was pacing earlier. You make me mad sometimes and I can't sit still."
"I'm not making you mad right now, though."
"No--but it's still hard to stay still."
"Good. I'm--um, er, sorry, I was a little distracted."
"Yeah--me too. Ooh."
"What?"
"Hmm?"
"You got a little catch in your voice. What are you doing?"
"Oh, I--I was--"
"Don't be shy. Damn, I--what were you doing?"
"I was, um, am I supposed to be a lady here?"
"God, I hope not."
"Good. I'm not, always. I was playing with my nipples. Squeezing my tit."
"Which one?"
"God, I love your voice. You get this throaty little--"
"Don't talk about throats right now, I can't take it. Which one?"
"Oh. My right one. I don't know why, it's more sensitive in a way. There's this, I don't know, nerve connection, sometimes there's like an arc that shoots through me, from the roof of my mouth to my heart to my tits. Between my legs."
"Ssssss--damn. Ooh. You just sent a shiver up my spine. It's almost painful."
"Is it?"
"No. It feels good. It's just so--oh god. I wish I, never mind, I won't say that. I'll just think it. I'll think about what I would do."
"What would you do."
"I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. It drives me out of my mind. What would I do?"
"Yes."
"Don't stop, whatever it is you're doing--you sound like it feels good--oh. I'd squeeze, both hands, gently, but I'd squeeze your breasts--you said tits--can I call them that?"
"Yes--yess.."
"Say that again--just say it.."
"Yesss--"
"Oh god, you--I'd squeeze your tits. I'd run my palms over your nipples. I'd take them in my mouth. I'd suck on them--"
"God--you--yes, you would. And?"
"I, er, I'd slow down a little here."
"Not for me. Don't slow down for me."
"For me. I'd want to take time to--I want to drive you crazy."
"You already do that."
"I love it when you laugh--the world lights up when you laugh."
"I'd say you make me laugh, but you'd take it wrong."
"No I wouldn't. I--whew."
"What?"
"God. What else would I--"
"Your turn now. Fair trade."
"I don't know if I--fair trade. I'm pumping a little slower now, I got going a little too hard. I want to bring you with me."
"I don't think that would be too much of a problem. Sometimes I'm slow to get started but when I do, I--I--"
"Kathryn."
"God--ahh..what."
"I just wanted to hear you. You--I want to make you purr."
"You're being--no you're not. Tell me what else you'd do."
"Can I run my tongue all over your body?"
"I don't know. Can you?"
"Aaah--slowly. All over your body. I might tease a little."
"I bet you would. You'd like that."
"Yes. Then I'd spread your legs with my hands-"
"Oh. Oh. Um hmm."
"And I'd stroke your thighs. Maybe I'd bite you, just a little tiny bit."
"God."
"Just a little bit. And I'd lick you as slowly as I could."
"Ooh-"
"And I'd drink your juices, I bet you taste wonderful--uh, um--aaah."
"Ahh--I'm not crazy, I'd love--ah, ooh--someday I want a taste."
"Of you?"
"No, silly, of you."
"Any time."
"I love it when you smile. Even now, when your voice sounds so tight-"
"I'm pretty close, I can't-"
"Ah, yeah, I know--yeah--god-"
"Kath-"
"Umm--.hmmm?"
"I'd give you a taste, god, oh, oh--I'd love to have you taste--"
"Do you like it?"
"Do I--of course I do. If you did that--god. God. Ahhh--"
"Mmm hmmm?"
"Kath?"
"Yes?"
"Just say yes again--let me hear you say--"
"--Yessss."
"God. God. Do it again-"
"Yes-your hands on my - oh, yes--"
"Ahh, Kathryn--"
"Uh uh uh, ooh yes, god Yes YESSS--"
"God, I can't--OH OOOOH! KATH--!"
"Oh-oh. Ooh --.yes. Yes--."
"Mmm."
"Ummm--hmmm--.yes."
"God."
"Let me--oh. Oh. For a minute I--"
"Kathryn. Shhh. What is it--"
"Ooh. Oh. No, nothing. I just--I could feel you."
"Yes."
"I'd love to feel--ah. See? Now look at me. Against my better judgment. I know better, but I almost-"
"Kathryn, I-"
"No, don't. Let me catch my breath."
"I don't want to. If I were there I wouldn't let you."
"-God, you've got a wicked laugh, Chakotay."
"You don't know the--oh, boy."
"What?"
"Oh. Um, I just noticed. I'm kind of a mess over here."
"And I think I gave myself a bruise."
"Sorry."
"Don't be. Besides, I'm a big girl."
"You're little."
"I'm not."
"You know what I mean. Can I come tuck you in, little girl?"
"-No, you can't."
"But I made you smile."
"Yeah. You did. Anyway, I'm pretty tucked in as it is. I think I'll sleep now."
"Me too. Counselor."
"What? Oh. Um hmm."
"Sleep tight, Captain."
"Um hmm. Good night, Chakotay."
"Kathryn?"
"What."
"I'll call you."
END
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