Home > ATXF Unofficial > X Reports > Escape from Coldcutz
(A worn and tired figure stumbles steps forward, dressed in ragged clothes
of a muted hue. His hair is thin and wispy, his face stubbled. He smells.
Horribly. He begins to speak, haltingly at first and then more confidently.)
Greetings, my fellow ATXFers. I have come to tell the story of my unlikely
disappearance and my even more unlikely return. In short, I have come to
tell you a tale that even the most credulous member of atxf (Hello Dregs!)
would have trouble believing. I speak, of course, of my...
E S C A P E F R O M C O L D C U T Z
For years now, behind a facade of ineptitude and illogical plots, I have
secretly waged war with those powerful few who are known to plague all
users of the Internet. I speak, of course, of the benighted EIP.
Long and hard was the struggle (that's STRUGGLE, $teve), and my inevitable
defeat was inev--um, well, anyway, how could I hope to succeed where others
more valiant than I had failed? I speak, of course, of Sciby, of MT, of
Antti, of Queen Natalia and of the others whose memory we honour daily.
I was locked in a small room with nought but a word processor for company,
and told I would not be released until I had written at least two X Reports.
This had the expected result: namely, I put off writing the X Report until I
had devised a method of escape. I speak, of course, of procrastination.
Unwittingly, my captors provided me with the perfect means of escape. (No,
not the word processor! Who's telling this story anyway?) My daily diet was
composed of fishtails and steak, perhaps in the hope that a heart attack
would make my death look like an accident. My initial escape attempt failed
(though to this day I do not understand just what went wrong with my glider,
cunningly constructed out of my cell's stone walls), but soon after I hit
upon the plan that would ultimately prove successful. I speak, of course,
of disguise.
Each day I saved some of the food, rather than eat it; squirrelling it away
under a loose floorboard. Using the fish and beef thus accumulated, I
fashioned an outfit that would enable me to disguise myself as a fish-cow
hybrid. I speak, of course, of GM foods.
However my preparation was not yet complete. Although my disguise would
allow me to leave the prison confines unnoticed, I had yet to devise a
method which would allow me to leave my cell. My first thought was to
collect a further supply of meat and from it form an impromptu mattress.
With this I could cushion my fall as I leapt from the cell window. I speak,
of course, of falling stock prices.
I was forced to reject this plan for two reasons. Firstly, it would take
some time to collect the necessary amount of flesh and my costume was
already beginning to smell. Secondly, and most importantly, my cell was
on the ground floor. So instead I just climbed out the window.
Quickly donning my disguise, I made my way to the main gate. The guards
suspected nothing, possibly because they were too busy gagging from the
stench of rotting meat. A few short steps forward and I was free!
Armed with only my ability to compose sentences that were far too long, I
ventured forth into the dark woods that lay beyond the imposing walls of
Coldcutz Castle. Unfortunately, since I had been saving some of my meals to
make the disguise, I had not been eating well and my strength was diminished.
I could only stagger forward a little way before I collapsed. As I lay in
the shadows, I feared the worst. I speak, of course, of being recaptured.
But luck was with me that night and though a search party was sent out they
did not discover me. The next day I left the forest and began to make my way
back to atxf, a journey that is now ended. I speak, of course, of
T H E E N D
That this is not an X Report is self-evident because it lacks a certain
vital element. I speak, of course, of the awards.
Oh, all right. But only 'cos you're my friends.
Vassegno wins the `FOOLS RUSH IN' AWARD for volunteering -- either
deliberately or accidentally -- to take over the running of the X Reports
(something like the running of the bulls, only more dangerous).
Chevron wins the `GOOD SAMARITAN' AWARD for helping CC when he needs it (and
performing a public service while he's at it). We can only hope that little
Mytharc will be found unharmed, but since many suspect the child was nothing
more than a figment of Chris Carter's imagination, perhaps a search is
futile.
From: Christopher Stuart
Subject: Lost & Found
Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 21:43:39 +1000
Lost: one plot, 6 yo, answers to the name Mytharc.
Last seen season 3. If you have a clue send it to
CC quoting #1013. Reward.
$teve, the man in the black, wins the `HILARITY AND MIRTH' AWARD for making
me laugh as I sat at my computer terminal.
From: "$teve2"
Organization: www.stephendann.com
Subject: Re: REL: S8 "news" / DD pay offer...
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 12:42:30 GMT
Dion Turner wrote:
>
> "$teve2" wrote:
>
> > Rachael Bahl wrote:
> > >
> > > This just in from the latest Eastlant Sci fi newsletter (20.3.00),
> > >
> > > ####
> > > Still No News on X-Files 8
> > >
> > > One source is suggesting that the production staff over at the X-Files
> > > are becoming very nervous. With so many loose ends to tie up if the
> > > series is coming to an end this year, they as concerned at the shortness
> > > of the time scale involved to produce the remaining episodes of this
> > > season. Apparently, there are several plans for the remainder of the
> > > season, depending on the decision for S8 and how late it is announced,
> > > including one for a two-part finale that ties up everything [ ... ]
> > >
> > > That is going to be one busy little episode.
> >
> > I can tie up the X-Files arc in under two and half minutes.
> >
> > The scene..Mulder holding a gun on Cancerman, who's holding a gun on
> > him, with Scully pointing her gun either at Mulder or Skinner (just like
> > a Mexican standoff with skinner years ago)
> >
> > MUlder: Cancerman! You black lunged son of...
> > CSM shoots Mulder. Scully also shoots Mulder. Skinner comes charging in
> > and shoots MUlder. Ratboy abseils from the roof and shoots Mulder.
> >
> > Scully: Thank god that's over. He wasn't really your son was he?
> >
> > Cancerman: What do you think?
> >
> > Scully: I think you've got better taste than to sleep with the slag of a
> > Mulder woman.
> >
> > Skinner and Ratboy are lounging by the wall.
> >
> > Cancerman (to Skinner): So, wanna go run another conspiracy?
> >
> > Skinner: Not at the moment. I was thinking about heading off for some
> > quality time with my son. Come on Alex, let's go fishing.
> >
> > Skinner and Ratboy leave
> >
> > CSM looks crestfallen
> >
> > Scully: Come on Dad, let's go home. You can run another conspiracy
> > later. Shame about the Buffalo Bills.
> >
> > Scully and CSM walk off together.
> >
> > *screen out*
> >
> > CSM: (voice over) I can't figure out how the Bills won the pennant.
> >
> > There. Solved. Any questions?
> >
> > $teve2
>
> What about Gibson?
END CREDITS
Screen fades in
Gibson sitting there, staring blankly at the wall, on the verge of death
says "I made this", then slumps dead. Fade out
$teve2
Everybody's favourite meerkat wins the `JUST DON'T BRING ME DOWN AGAIN, ALL
RIGHT, RICK?' AWARD for introducing a depressing note of reality into the
whimsical "Hungry":
From: meerkatrules@hotmail.com (The Meerkat)
Subject: Tummy rumblings on Hungry
Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2000 08:13:27 GMT
[Editorial snippage]
BTW, where does a hamburger joint employee get the money to buy such a
top class wig, quality false teeth, very expensive full contact lenses
and very convincing false ears? You'd be flipping hamburgers for a
lifetime to get that kind of money....
Annette Fraser receives the `DENY EVERYTHING' AWARD for not hosting the
infamous Merch BBQ. Maybe later... ?
From: Annette Fraser
Subject: The kiss
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 07:51:04 +1000
No I am *not* going to burn my merchandise.
Annette
--
High Priestess of The Big Penguin
The Merchandise Queen
PokeyBun - Gotta mug 'em all
Chris Sloan wins the `NOT WITH A BANG' AWARD for her pithy observation on
the end of the world, Millennium Group style:
From: ibid@iprimus.com.aus (Chris Sloan)
Subject: Re: REL Frank Black's character last night [was Re: I am an idiot
Organization: Cataloguers-R-Us
Date: Sat, 01 Apr 2000 08:31:35 GMT
On Fri, 31 Mar 2000 20:42:04 +1000, Dion Turner
wrote:
>The group does have a nobel vision for humanity...but it
You mean they want to blow it up with dynamite?
Chris
jj, the People's Poet (of which, more later), wins the `THINGS MANKIND WAS
NOT MEANT TO KNOW' AWARD for the, um, intriguing mental image she evokes
when discussing narrative striptease:
From: jj
Subject: Re: REL: another 'amor fati' rant
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 12:12:01 GMT
[Editorial snippage]
Okay this is a theory of post-modernist literary criticism, but it's
quite simple. As audiences, we like to have things revealed to us
slowly. That's part of the romance (I *don't* mean shippy stuff here)
of engaging with a text. Once we've seen the flesh, all the mystery has
gone. With the X-Files we've seen *waaaaaaaaay* too much flesh and we
all wish that CC just would get dressed and go home. We weren't
planning on calling him to ask him out again and he knows it. So there
he is with his flaccid buttocks sagging before us. It's sad and we all
know it. But we keep on tuning in because we're sorry for him now.
That's what being the subject of narrative striptease can do to us.
;)
jj
The penultimate sentence inspired dewatf to explain the appeal of a now
often turgid television series, resulting in the bestowal of the `ALL
DRESSED UP AND NOWHERE TO GO' AWARD:
From: dewatf@hotmail.com (dewatf)
Subject: Re: REL: another 'amor fati' rant
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 13:09:24 GMT
On Mon, 20 Mar 2000 12:12:01 GMT, jj wrote:
> But we keep on tuning in because we're sorry for him now.
No, we keep tuning in because our own Wednesday nights are still
worse than S7.
dewatf.
Matt Pitman wins the `ROMULAN CLOAKING DEVICE' AWARD FOR DELURKING NEWBIES
for obvious reasons. As a "Buffy" fan he will understand the importance of
fresh blood. We look forward to regular postings from him in this newsgroup.
(After all, if he can manage it for aus.tv.buffy...)
From: "Matt"
Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
Subject: Newbie
Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2000 16:53:31 +1000
Hi
My name is Matt and I enjoy watching the x-files.
A little about me.
15 year old male. Live in Towoomba QLD.
I like building web pages, and watching buffy and the x-files.
I'm a regular poster to aus.tv.buffy for those of you whom know me from
there.
Anyways see ya
Matt
buffy@theairforce.com
Ingrid wins the `NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS' AWARD for her succinct assessment
of the recent three-parter:
From: ingridbj@my-deja.com
Subject: REL: another 'amor fati' rant
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 00:39:53 GMT
I have to get this off my chest too.
Okay, in 'Biogenesis' we started with the ludicrous idea that
aliens engraved bits of biblical text onto bits of metal millions
of years ago (when there would be no way to predict millions of
years ago that there'd ever be anything on this planet with the
inclination to write biblical text, let alone what would be a
meaningful version for those hypothetical future beings...)
Then in 'Sixth Extinction' it gets even sicker, there's not only
biblical and Koran text, but I'm supposed to believe that it was
a bunch of aliens millions of years ago who came up with the
(English) names for the nucleotide bases, and engraved these names
on the spaceship in symbols that can be transposed letter-for-letter
into English. (never mind that some of these nucleotides were
originally named in other languages, with different spelling, and
that the names are totally arbitrary)
But in 'Amor Fati' I'm supposed to beleive that the symbols are
in fact those used to write ancient Navajo! Allowing the benefit
of the doubt that Navajo has a written form, those symbols are
(hopefully) going to correspond to sounds of Navajo, not English.
There's no way (from my knowledge of linguistics) that Navajo symbols
can be used to write in English (because that's actually what's
going on) other than by a fairly arbitrary assignment of symbols
to letters, which defeats the whole point of using Navajo.
And Scully discovers that some of the text on the spacecraft
matches what is in the book about Navajo mythology exactly. Now I
would sincerly hope that those symbols in that case are actually
being used to write Navajo, not English. And yet other parts of
the spaceship which are in English, appear to match the English
translations of the Navajo myths, which by implication match
parts of the Bible and Koran..
This whole thing is just such a total bollocks it doesn't even
begin to make sense. It not only assumes the audience attaches
near-magical significance to the King James Bible, the names of
DNA nucleotides and Navajo myths, but also that the audience knows
nothing significant about any language other than English.
Ingrid
And to bring this haphazard affair to an end, jj receives the `...& WEEVIL
DID I DWEL' AWARD for her tribute to a seemi-ngly innocuous Weevil:
From: jj
Subject: Re: TAN: Persona change
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 04:28:38 GMT
In article <38D58909.B7E0F364@primus.com.au>,
"$teve2" wrote:
> Weevil wrote:
> > Due to some probably unwarranted paranoia, I've decided to go by the
> > nick of Weevil :). My favourite beetle order :).
> > This is effective as of Now! Hope you can come up with some better
> > gags than the IRC team :) (1)
> So long to the Seemi, We've'll come to love
Now you Seemi.
Now you don't.
Insects are teemy
But Weevil won't
Be all evil
And infest
Cos Weevil's
Seemi more progressed.
;)jj
--
:P