Home > X Reports > The Second Bahlistics Report
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The Second Bahlistics Report
"1995 - that was the year that was"
An X-Report compiled by Rachael Bahl
1 October 1999
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One woman alone cannot write an X-Report... but she can compile one! :-)
In 1995 (yes long before my time and probably before yours newbie, so
shut up and learn!) - ATXF launched what was to become a much loved
tradition.
The X-Report.
The First Xreport was dated 25 August 95 and written by Waz from Oz.
It was a weekly "celebration" of all that was good (and BAD!) on ATXF.
The early X-Reports came with the following disclaimer:
"... the below awards are given on a satirical basis. They are
my own personal opinions, and those of the people who could be
bothered to write to me and suggest award winners. They are not intended
to cause harm, hurt or offence. And now, read on!..."
Many of those ATXFers who are regulars now were here then.
Trevor Calder featured in this award:
THE JOHN LAWS AWARD FOR BEST .SIG:
Is this week awarded to Sciby, for his paranoiac .sig:
..."The above opinions could be mine, but that's not my handwriting."
as he is absent tonight, the award will be accepted on his behalf by
Trevor "Umyawursenitemare" Calder! (Trev, clad in SAS combat gear,
tosses a stun grenade onto the stage. It explodes with a deafening
boom and a flash of light and when everyone's vision clears the
Golden X is missing).
While Rob Whyte might be able to explain what this one was all about:
THE FRED NILE AWARD FOR WORST .SIG:
Goes to relative newcomer Robert Whyte for his Quantum Sex .sig.
...what the hell is that supposed to mean? Doing it with your eyes
closed? Yeesh. (Robert stands up to accept his award and suddenly
notices the expectant silence. He grins sheepishly and sits back
down.)
(This was the first time Rob received an award for his ever changing
.sig, but it wasn't the last).
And in the category of "the more things change, the more they stay the
same", $teve Dann (aka NatGatCat and a trillion other things) picked up
this award:
THE QUALITY/QUANTITY AWARD FOR GOOD POSTING:
Pressed into the clammy hands of $tephen 2, who nods good-naturedly.
(Legion of Steves: "Speech! Speech! Speeeech!" Everyone else: "SHUT
UP! SHUUUUT UUUUUUPPPP!")
$teve went on to win similar awards throughout 1995, including this one
in the Second Claytons Xreport (29 September 1995 written by Steve
Leahy)
"... THE "MOST MATERIAL IN A POST THAT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH
THE SUBJECT" AWARD goes to $teve 2 (nominated by Chris "I am not a uni
student" Hadgis), for his posts re: K2 in the "Thoughts arising from
Anasazi" thread.' $teve 2 breaks away from Kirsty momentarily, and
attempts to collect his award, only to be informed the action is too
relevant to the topic at hand; he returns to Kirsty's side. 'I'd like
to accept this Tarnished-X on his behalf..."
... and this one in the Second $loth Report (17 November 1995, written
by Steve Dann) (!)
"... Finally the "I can't control the way that I feel. When I'm with you
my head begins to reel" award for excess, over posting, newsgroup
hogging, flaming, being grouchy, deliberately picking fights, blackmail,
espionage trafficking in pornography, using explosives, over quoting the
Smiths, implying events with others that had not yet occurred, writing
self referential Sloth reports, scene stealing, trouble making, and
generally behaving in conduct unbecoming of a senior member of the
aus.tv.x-files community. $teve 2. ... "
The Second ever Xreport appeard on 30 August 1995 and was written by Waz
from Oz. The story "Gillian's Island...".
Waz went on to write five of the fourteen X-Reports to appear that year.
If I recall correctly, Waz was last seen in ATXF as Lord Wazron in 1997
causing a stir over the types of X-philes.
Next in the more things change, the more they stay the same category we
feature Dr. Ingrid Jakobsen.
Dr. Ingrid picked up her first "MUST BE A PROFESSIONAL ACADEMIC' AWARD
FOR DEMONSTRATION OF EXCESSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF THE SCIENCES IN REAL LIFE"
in the Third Xreport (8 September 1995) for the following:
"... Ingrid Jakobsen, come on down! For your little thread on Prion
diseases and their effects, you get this complimentary phial of
Kreuzfeldt-Jakob infected human somatotrophin! Just the thing to slip in
the punch at your next party! (a party's not a real party until your
brain has gone spongy and you just _can't_ stop smiling.) ..."
And again in the Fourth Xreport (15 September 1995, written by Waz from
Oz) "...The 'MUST BE A PROFESSIONAL ACADEMIC' AWARD FOR DEMONSTRATION OF
EXCESSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF THE SCIENCES IN REAL LIFE:
...goes somewhat predictably to Milady Jakobsen for her thread on alien
morphology and evolutionary tangles. Milady..." (Waz tosses the Golden
X, which decides that flying is easier as a ring, and arrives as a
Golden O.) ..."
The Fourth Xreport was also notable for the first appearance in the
awards of MelbXF's own Chevron who won the "... ROMULAN SKULKER AWARD
FOR DELURKING NEWBIES WITH OPINIONS...".
On a hat-trick, Dr.Ingrid was to be disappointed in The First Claytons
Xreport (22 September 1995, written by Steve Leahy) where she received
no awards at all. :-(
The Claytons Xreports (as all good ad watchers will know) were the
Xreports you have when you're not having an X-Report.
Waz was back on the 6th of October with The Fifth Xreport where the he
wrote that "... THE ROMULAN SKULKER AWARD FOR DELURKING NEWBIES WITH
OPINIONS could go to no other but Chris Hadgis for his posts and
followups too numerous to name. Well done boy!" Waz throws the X to the
tousle-headed lad and chuckles as the boy falls over from the weight..."
The Fifth X-Report also saw discussion of the much wanted (and still to
be seen) Lone Gunmen spin-off series.
"... This week's BEST TANGENTIAL THREAD AWARD goes to Daniel Frankham,
the originator of the Lone Gunmen spinoff series thread. A sample
follows, to jar your memory..."
THE ADVENTURES OF THE LONE GUNMEN
Frohike (Tom Braidwood)
Byers (Bruce Harwood)
Langly (Dean Haglund)
EPISODE GUIDE: [excerpts]
1: Pilot.
Against the wishes of his fellow Gunmen, Frohike places an ad in
several national newspapers:
IF THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE IN YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD
WHO YOU GONNA CALL?
YEAH, WELL, WHY NOT TRY THE LONE GUNMEN INSTEAD?
WE DO ANYTHING ANYTIME
(PROVIDED IT'S WEIRD)
(BABES ESPECIALLY WELCOME: PLEASE ASK ABOUT OUR SPECIAL PAYMENT PLAN)
..."
Two more Clayton's reports followed - the Third Claytons Xreport (20
October, 1995) and the Fourth Claytons Xreport (27 October 1995), both
written by Steve Leahy.
Still in the more things change, the more they stay the same category,
Ken Finlayson picked up this award:
'THE "SHORT AND TO THE POINT" AWARD goes to Ken Finlayson, for the
following response to a message that should never have been posted to
ATXF:'
Sorry, your post does not meet our TAN requirements at this time.
We suggest you repost it during a more sane session to receive
a proper response. ..."
It's good to see that ATXF has always attracted the nutcases and
cross-posters of Usenet.
Annette Fraser features in the Fourth Claytons Xreport with the
following awards:
"... THE ".SIGNIFICANT" AWARD goes to Annette Fraser, for the following
.sig:'
"Annette just make sure that you drool out of both sides of your mouth
or people will think you're unbalanced." (My ex-best friend Phillip to
me while watching DD on The X Files)
'Annette also wins both THE "LOCALISED FLOODING ALERT" and THE "I DON'T
WANT TO SET DD ON FIRE, I JUST WANT TO START A FLAME IN HIS HEART"
AWARDS for this week, for suggesting a DD Droolfest in the "Fallen
Angel" thread. Unfortunately, Annette can't be with us tonight; she's
trapped on an island in a sea of her own drool. ..."
The last Claytons report for the year appeard on 3 November 1995.
The 10th of November saw the dawn of a new age in X-Reports... the First
$loth Report, written by Steve Dann. $teve followed with the second
$loth Report on the 17th of November.
Sebastian Tauchmann gave $teve a week off when he wrote the First
Xreport Summer Edition. Interview subject: Lyndal Cairns.
The Third Sloth Report (8 December 1995, written by Steve Dann) was the
last for the year and featured the first appearance of Adelaide's own
Tim R. Quinn (aka A poor sweet innocent).
"... The Laminex Turtle Award II: Saving the Worst for Second last....
In the category of First Class Trolling, (Kirsty) the prize must go to
the suicidal, drool and flame proof Tim R Quinn, for the brave, utterly
inconsistent and fundamentally flawed post "Scully Hates Mulder". He how
ever loses the award for following up with the totally redundant "Scully
loves Mulder". Listen son, stick to one side of the fence, or just sit
on the damn thing.
Delurking Newbie with no real regard for his personal safety goes to Tim
R "A poor sweet innocent" Quinn who recieves two laminex turtles on
debut, one for best newbie, and the "Frohike thinks I'm weirder than
Mulder's theories" award for proposing "Is Mulder a Child?" and "Tan
NUTTY Theory". You're a worry son, but you're one of us now <cue: evil
laughter>..."
Tim was last seen fleeing the newsgroup as a horde of female ATXFers
(and maybe a few males) were seeking inspection of his butt... (don't
ask me I was just a spectator!).
***** BACK TO THE FUTURE *****
Back in 1999 awards for this week (or so) were due to be handed out...
In the more things change, the more they stay the same category...
The "MUST BE A PROFESSIONAL ACADEMIC' AWARD FOR DEMONSTRATION OF
EXCESSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF THE SCIENCES IN REAL LIFE" AWARD (aka THE
"BLINDED BY SCIENCE" AWARD (nominated by Ken), and the "MY BRAIN HURTS
NOW, WHAT ABOUT YOURS?" AWARD (nominated by Demo) ) goes to (drum roll
please)....
Dr Ingrid! (who else? <g>)
For this contribution to the Mr. PHD?? thread:
****
demosthenes@cybergal.com (Demosthenes) wrote:
> ingridbj@my-deja.com wrote:
> <snip interesting sweetener discussion that I'm too dumb to contribute
> to>
I doubt you're too dumb. You just haven't spent enough time reading
New Scientist etc.
Actually, that's probably a sign of intelligence :-).
> >[1] I'm pretty sure I had to be able to draw the structure to pass
> >2nd year biochem, but that was over ten years ago[2].
> >[2] I can still draw most of the 20 amino acids, though.
>
> In ascii?
> ;)
Ascii isn't much harder than any other way.
So, here is Ingrid's version of the 20 amino acids[1]. I'd like
to warn everyone in advance that the last row is where I get really
hazy on the structures :-).
glycine alanine serine threonine valine
OH
|
OH CH2 CH3 CH3
| | \ /
H CH3 CH2 CH2 CH
| | | | |
H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH
| | | | |
H H H H H
leucine isoleucine methionine cysteine phenylalanine
(the hexagon is
CH3 a benzene ring)
|
CH3 CH3 CH3 CH2 _
\ / | | /o\
CH CH2 S SH \_/
| | | | |
CH2 HC-CH3 CH2 CH2 CH2
| | | | |
H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH
| | | | |
H H H H H
aspartate asparagine glutamate glutamine tyrosine
OH
COOH CONH2 _/
| | /o\
COOH CONH2 CH2 CH2 \_/
| | | | |
CH2 CH2 CH2 CH2 CH2
| | | | |
H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH
| | | | |
H H H H H
arginine lysine histidine proline tryptophan
NH2 CH3 CH2
| | / \
H2N-C-NH2 NH CH2 NH NH
| | / \ | |
CH2 CH2 H2C NH H2C--N-CH2
| | | / | \
CH2 CH2 N-CH2 CH2 H2C-NH-CH2
| | | / \ |
CH2 CH2 CH2 H2C CH2 CH2
| | | | | |
H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH H2N-C-COOH
| | | | |
H H H H H
My brain hurts now :-). I have no idea how many are actually
right (I had to do this from memory, after all).
Ingrid
[1] There are lots of other possible amino acids and some of the
others are used biologically. But (the true versions of) these 20
are the ones encoded in DNA.
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
****
THE "ROMULAN SKULKER AWARD FOR DELURKING NEWBIES WITH OPINIONS" goes to
Marty (quuux) for his (her?) contributions to the 'Mr PHD??' thread (and
others).
****
THE "WELCOME BACK KOTTER" AWARD for ATXF-return-ees goes to Chris Hadgis
for letting us all know he and Kaliope are having a baby.
****
THE "SALT AND BATTER-Y" AWARD (nominated by Ken) goes to Ingrid for her
contribution to the "Anyone seen the X-files movie" thread:
~From: ingridbj@my-deja.com
~Subject: Re: Anyone seen the X-files movie?
~Date: Mon, 06 Sep 1999 01:19:19 GMT
trevorREMOVE@THISiinet.net.au (Trevor Calder) wrote:
> A nice person called David from Perth (who can be contacted at
> NOSPAMquokka@tnet.com.au) told all the world the following....
>
> >Mulder definitely calls her GILLY the first time when he is asking
> >her if she is alright. Hard 'G'. Not the soft 'J' sound.
> >
> >Is that Duchovny's pet name for Anderson on the set?
>
> I thought it came about when Scullz got turned into a fish mutant:-)
The X-Fries.
Join Special agents Gilly and Mullet as they investigate just
what goes on behind the innocent facade of a fish-n-chips shop.
Ingrid
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Share what you know. Learn what you don't.
****
THE "ATXF INNOCENT OF THE YEAR" AWARD (nominated by Ingrid) goes to
Revanant for this contribution to the "Frank Black to make a return to
the small screen [Spoiler Free]" thread:
~From: Revenant <revenant@interact.net.au>
~Subject: Re: Frank Black to make a return to the small screen [Spoiler
Free]
~Date: Sat, 18 Sep 1999 00:00:00 GMT
~Newsgroups: aus.tv,aus.tv.x-files
S2K wrote:
> Revenant wrote:
> > Yeees! Kill off that Mulder Pansy (what kind of a name is 'Fox'
> > anyway?) Frank is *far* more interesting and I'd love to see him
> > step into Mulder's slot.
> EEewwww. Revenant! You've read far too many slash fic pieces
"Slash fic"?
No, seriously. The X-files is in a rut. An 'amalgamation' between
it and Millenium could be just what it needs. How do the Millenium
Group relate to the consortium? Where does Frank stand on alien
viruses? etc.
****
Hugh Fisher picks up the "EVEN FROHIKE DOESN'T LIKE ME" AWARD (nominated
by Ken) for the following:
~From: laranzu@spirit.com.au (Hugh Fisher)
~Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
~Subject: Aliens = dentists (was Little White Aliens)
~Date: Wed, 22 Sep 1999 22:50:33 +1000
In article <7s6h7v$9ki$1@nnrp1.deja.com>, ingridbj@my-deja.com wrote:
> And greys have big black eyes. (I stand by my theory that our image
> of greys is a superstimulus for a human, probably baby face.)
Personally I think the various abductees are just reliving their
last dental checkup. You're lying on a bench, told not to move,
with a bright light overhead. The dentist and assistant have
large safety lenses where the eyes should be, and the masks hide
the mouth and nose. Add in the head/eyes looking larger than
normal due to foreshortening from the angle you're looking at
them, and you have a textbook alien appearance.
Hugh
****
The "C|N>K" award (nominated by Ken) goes to Trevor Calder for this:
~Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
~Subject: Re: A Place to talk about Gillian!
~From: trevorREMOVE@THISiinet.net.au (Trevor Calder)
~Date: 28 Sep 1999 13:27:07 GMT
A nice person called gillianfanlist@my-deja.com (who can be contacted at
gillianfanlist@my-deja.com) told all the world the following....
>Just wanted to post again about my list for Gillian Anderson, because
>it's currently the most active mailing list for her fans with 200
>members
I feel sorry for them It must make walking difficult.
--
Trevor Calder
"..it is foolishness and endless trouble to cast a
stone at every dog that barks at you.."
****
Ken Finlayson wins the "SERVICES TO THE COMMUNITY" AWARD for his post
"ADMIN: More stuff on web"...
Now also available:
* FAQ
* Understanding ATXF
* X Report schedule
at http://www.geocities.com/wollongong_ken/
This'll probably be the last update the page gets for a while...
Ken
****
While Danny wins the "IN CASE YOU WONDERED WHERE I WAS" AWARD for his
posts "TAN: Still in absentia...."
Hi all...
Just another note to say I'm out of touch with newsgroups atm
considering a) it's Uni holidays so I'm not in here everyday
and b) I have NO news access at home. I have to wait until
my sysop gets back from holidays so he can put the hard word
on the news-provider ISP (third party and all that...)
I will still be on IRC, so see some of you there...
Any newbies who want the FAQ (yeah, right!) can email
me at Danny @ scoutnet.net.au
Seeya. Danny.
****
Sarah wins the "BEST RESPONSE TO *ALLEGED* NUTCASES" AWARD for her
contribution to the "W H A T S P A M ? ?" thread.
Here's a sample:
EZ2I wrote in message <19990921210416.17598.00000805@ng-bj1.aol.com>...
>snip<
>If my ISP contacts me about my post, my ISP will be contacted by my
>attorney. This newsgroup does not have the right to infringe on
>anyone's right to free speech.
FREE LEGAL ADVICE: No one's infringed on your right to free speech but
YOU have infringed on other's right to their free speech. Any lawyer
either in US or Australia would tell you to go jump...you have no legal
case in either country and anyway all ISP's reserve the right to
terminate contract. You are a crazy, lunatic nutter... this statement is
NOT libel because its the truth and is evidenced in your insane,
ranting, rambling posts. Go ahead and waste your time and money trying
to sue AOL or this ng or whoever it will cost you a lot of money but at
least it will keep you from writing and posting reams of crazy drivel
and expecting readers of this ng (who are genuinely interested in the
X-Files AND have a grasp on reality) from having to troll through your
garbage.
****
(Way to go Sarah!!!)
****
And last, but by no means least, the "IT SHOULDA BEEN AN X-REPORT" AWARD
goes to Vassegno for his fantastic contribution to the "SUNBURN:
Melbourne the world's football capital????" thread.
Here's a sample:
"... The pitch of Old Trafford slowly rolled away, beneath it, the
steel doors had opened. Slowly, ponderously the leviathan rose from the
hanger beneath the Manchester United stadium.
"These Melbourne people have gone too far, their heretical
belief that their city is the centre of the football world must
be punished." Sir Alex Ferguson announced to his team. "We have
left Manchester and are destined for Melbourne so that we can
perform our retribution upon them. They shall see the scourge
that is Manchester United! Bwahahahahahaha. Bwahahahaha!
Bwahahahahahahahahaha-"
"Excuse me?" Taibi interrupted.
"What!"
"Can you not do that please? You might laugh your head
off."
"Oh. I see your point." He conceded. "Just a bit more
evil laughter?" he then asked.
"No."
"Damn."
****
No X-Report would be quite complete without the traditional "interview".
Unfortunately, as is the tradition with X-Reports, I haven't had time to
do one. So here's one we prepared earlier!
From The Third Sloth Report (8 December 1995) by Steve Dann.
****
Finally, in a rather subdued second last Xreport for 1995, the
obligatory interview...since it's nearly 6.30 on Friday, and everyone
who I'd interview has gone home, I guess I'll just have to do a Waz and
interview myself....
THE OBLIGATORY AUS.TV.X-FILES INTERVIEW with $TEVE 2 (using the same
question I used on Nina, with mild changes)
AGE: 22 Cancerian.
YOUR FIRST X-FILES EPISODE: Half of Ice. I used to have a class at uni
on Thursdays until about 9.20. I broke most speed limits and a variety
of traffic laws to get home in time to see threequarters of the show.
YOUR FAVOURITE X-FILES EPISODE: Fearful Symmetry. Yes I know I know, I'm
the only one who does like it. Either that or whenever the LGM appear.
Of course, I **REALLY** like Paperclip
YOUR FAVOURITE X-FILES CHARACTER: Tough choice. I'm a major league fan
of Frohike, but Ratboy does something in Paperclip that's earned my
respect for him, so much so I can forgive that awful awful hair cut he
had in Ascension.
WHY DO YOU LIKE THE X-FILES: Good plot, good players, good story lines,
and the nice touches of the weird bizarre and strange. I like it.
WHAT COMPUTER DO YOU USE: Some godforsaken Compaq running Microsoft
stuff to access the newsgroup. If I need to do real work I have a Mac
Classic at home I use. But I'll use any computer that's not guarded...
IF I WERE FOUND NAKED BY KIRSTY I WOULD:
a) Run...Fast.
b) Complain to the scriptwriters
c) <mr burns> Release the hounds </mr burns>
d) other:
Look surprised, then figure out precisely how the hell this happened.
Then, very quickly before she had time to start laughing, I'd go for the
nearest cover I could find.
MARITAL STATUS: Perpetually single. The professional virgin
DESPERATION STATUS: Not anymore, I'm content with a nice platonic
relationship with Kirsty.
OTHER MUST SEE SHOWS: Gladiators!!! (Delta!!! Hubba Hubba Hubba )
BEST PART OF AUS.TV.X-files: The fact that I haven't been shot
yet....meeting people with common interests to mine, and the fact that
without it, I'd never have meet Kirsty ( a prospect that doesn't bear
considering)
PERSON FROM AUS.TV.X-FILES YOU COULD MOST TOLERATE BEING TRAPPED IN
A STUCK LIFT WITH: Yes. Kirsty, Nina, queen natalia (homina!!!
homina!!! homina!!! )
X-FILES MAGIC MOMENT: If that's the delectable Agent Scully, tell her
I've been working out. I'm buff. - Frohike. I used that line twice now
:-)
IF YOU FOUND KIRSTY NAKED, TIED UP AND SMEARED WITH CHOCOLATE
SAUCE, YOU WOULD: curse my allergy to dairy products. Then untie the
poor thing and help her clean herself up (after all Dennis Franz proved
how much fun showers are)
HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN ON THE NET: Really online since Feb. I had a
partial attachment through a godawful 2400 modem that overheated so bad
you could make coffee on it. It died midlast year.
WHAT'S THE STORY WITH THE DOLLAR SIGN?
Ok, sit down while I tell you a tale....
I was given the dollar sign signature as a gift by two of my study
partners at UQ when I was studying Law. They recognised my capitalistic
traits earlier, and always left messages for me by signing my name with
a dollar sign. I first added to my signature to annoy a lecturer in
government who was a card carrying communist. I nearly failed the
subject, but it was worth it.
****
The End.
Rachael.